Suddenly she snatched his hand and impulsively kissed it three times.
Ah, Lise, what a good thing! cried Alyosha joyfully. You know, I was perfectly sure you were in earnest.
Sure? Upon my word! She put aside his hand, but did not leave go of it, blushing hotly, and laughing a little happy laugh. I kiss his hand and he says, What a good thing!
But her reproach was undeserved. Alyosha, too, was greatly overcome.
I should like to please you always, Lise, but I dont know how to do it, he muttered, blushing too.
Alyosha, dear, you are cold and rude. Do you see? He has chosen me as his wife and is quite settled about it. He is sure I was in earnest. What a thing to say! Why, thats impertinencethats what it is.
Why, was it wrong of me to feel sure? Alyosha asked, laughing suddenly.
Ah, Alyosha, on the contrary, it was delightfully right, cried Lise, looking tenderly and happily at him.
Alyosha stood still, holding her hand in his. Suddenly he stooped down and kissed her on her lips.
Oh, what are you doing? cried Lise. Alyosha was terribly abashed.
Oh, forgive me if I shouldnt. Perhaps Im awfully stupid. You said I was cold, so I kissed you. But I see it was stupid.
Lise laughed, and hid her face in her hands. And in that dress! she ejaculated in the midst of her mirth. But she suddenly ceased laughing and became serious, almost stern.
Alyosha, we must put off kissing. We are not ready for that yet, and we shall have a long time to wait, she ended suddenly. Tell me rather why you who are so clever, so intellectual, so observant, choose a little idiot, an invalid like me? Ah, Alyosha, I am awfully happy, for I dont deserve you a bit.
You do, Lise. I shall be leaving the monastery altogether in a few days. If I go into the world, I must marry. I know that. He told me to marry, too. Whom could I marry better than youand who would have me except you? I have been thinking it over. In the first place, youve known me from a child and youve a great many qualities I havent. You are more lighthearted than I am; above all, you are more innocent than I am. I have been brought into contact with many, many things already. Ah, you dont know, but I, too, am a Karamazov. What does it matter if you do laugh and make jokes, and at me, too? Go on laughing. I am so glad you do. You laugh like a little child, but you think like a martyr.
Like a martyr? How?
Yes, Lise, your question just now: whether we werent showing contempt for that poor man by dissecting his soulthat was the question of a sufferer. You see, I dont know how to express it, but any one who thinks of such questions is capable of suffering. Sitting in your invalid chair you must have thought over many things already.
Alyosha, give me your hand. Why are you taking it away? murmured Lise in a failing voice, weak with happiness. Listen, Alyosha. What will you wear when you come out of the monastery? What sort of suit? Dont laugh, dont be angry, its very, very important to me.
I havent thought about the suit, Lise; but Ill wear whatever you like.
I should like you to have a dark blue velvet coat, a white piqué waistcoat, and a soft gray felt hat. Tell me, did you believe that I didnt care for you when I said I didnt mean what I wrote?
No, I didnt believe it.
Oh, you insupportable person, you are incorrigible.
You see, I knew that youseemed to care for me, but I pretended to believe that you didnt care for me to make iteasier for you.
That makes it worse! Worse and better than all! Alyosha, I am awfully fond of you. Just before you came this morning, I tried my fortune. I decided I would ask you for my letter, and if you brought it out calmly and gave it to me (as might have been expected from you) it would mean that you did not love me at all, that you felt nothing, and were simply a stupid boy, good for nothing, and that I am ruined. But you left the letter at home and that cheered me. You left it behind on purpose, so as not to give it back, because you knew I would ask for it? That was it, wasnt it?
Ah, Lise, it was not so a bit. The letter is with me now, and it was this morning, in this pocket. Here it is.
Alyosha pulled the letter out laughing, and showed it her at a distance.
But I am not going to give it to you. Look at it from here.
Why, then you told a lie? You, a monk, told a lie!
I told a lie if you like, Alyosha laughed, too. I told a lie so as not to give you back the letter. Its very precious to me, he added suddenly, with strong feeling, and again he flushed. It always will be, and I wont give it up to any one!
Lise looked at him joyfully. Alyosha, she murmured again, look at the door. Isnt mamma listening?
Very well, Lise, Ill look; but wouldnt it be better not to look? Why suspect your mother of such meanness?
What meanness? As for her spying on her daughter, its her right, its not meanness! cried Lise, firing up. You may be sure, Alexey Fyodorovitch, that when I am a mother, if I have a daughter like myself I shall certainly spy on her!
Really, Lise? Thats not right.
Oh, my goodness! What has meanness to do with it? If she were listening to some ordinary worldly conversation, it would be meanness, but when her own daughter is shut up with a young man. Listen, Alyosha, do you know I shall spy upon you as soon as we are married, and let me tell you I shall open all your letters and read them, so you may as well be prepared.
Yes, of course, if so muttered Alyosha, only its not right.
Ah, how contemptuous! Alyosha, dear, we wont quarrel the very first day. Id better tell you the whole truth. Of course, its very wrong to spy on people, and, of course, I am not right and you are, only I shall spy on you all the same.
Do, then; you wont find out anything, laughed Alyosha.
And, Alyosha, will you give in to me? We must decide that too.
I shall be delighted to, Lise, and certain to, only not in the most important things. Even if you dont agree with me, I shall do my duty in the most important things.
Thats right; but let me tell you I am ready to give in to you not only in the most important matters, but in everything. And I am ready to vow to do so nowin everything, and for all my life! cried Lise fervently, and Ill do it gladly, gladly! Whats more, Ill swear never to spy on you, never once, never to read one of your letters. For you are right and I am not. And though I shall be awfully tempted to spy, I know that I wont do it since you consider it dishonorable. You are my conscience now. Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch, why have you been so sad latelyboth yesterday and today? I know you have a lot of anxiety and trouble, but I see you have some special grief besides, some secret one, perhaps?
Yes, Lise, I have a secret one, too, answered Alyosha mournfully. I see you love me, since you guessed that.
What grief? What about? Can you tell me? asked Lise with timid entreaty.
Ill tell you later, Liseafterwards, said Alyosha, confused. Now you wouldnt understand it perhapsand perhaps I couldnt explain it.
I know your brothers and your father are worrying you, too.
Yes, my brothers too, murmured Alyosha, pondering.
I dont like your brother Ivan, Alyosha, said Lise suddenly.
He noticed this remark with some surprise, but did not answer it.
My brothers are destroying themselves, he went on, my father, too. And they are destroying others with them. Its the primitive force of the Karamazovs, as Father Païssy said the other day, a crude, unbridled, earthly force. Does the spirit of God move above that force? Even that I dont know. I only know that I, too, am a Karamazov. Me a monk, a monk! Am I a monk, Lise? You said just now that I was.
Yes, I did.
And perhaps I dont even believe in God.
You dont believe? What is the matter? said Lise quietly and gently. But Alyosha did not answer. There was something too mysterious, too subjective in these last words of his, perhaps obscure to himself, but yet torturing him.
And now on the top of it all, my friend, the best man in the world, is going, is leaving the earth! If you knew, Lise, how bound up in soul I am with him! And then I shall be left alone. I shall come to you, Lise. For the future we will be together.
Yes, together, together! Henceforward we shall be always together, all our lives! Listen, kiss me, I allow you.
Alyosha kissed her.
Come, now go. Christ be with you! and she made the sign of the cross over him. Make haste back to him while he is alive. I see Ive kept you cruelly. Ill pray today for him and you. Alyosha, we shall be happy! Shall we be happy, shall we?
I believe we shall, Lise.
Alyosha thought it better not to go in to Madame Hohlakov and was going out of the house without saying goodby to her. But no sooner had he opened the door than he found Madame Hohlakov standing before him. From the first word Alyosha guessed that she had been waiting on purpose to meet him.
Alexey Fyodorovitch, this is awful. This is all childish nonsense and ridiculous. I trust you wont dreamIts foolishness, nothing but foolishness! she said, attacking him at once.
Only dont tell her that, said Alyosha, or she will be upset, and thats bad for her now.
Sensible advice from a sensible young man. Am I to understand that you only agreed with her from compassion for her invalid state, because you didnt want to irritate her by contradiction?
Oh, no, not at all. I was quite serious in what I said, Alyosha declared stoutly.
To be serious about it is impossible, unthinkable, and in the first place I shall never be at home to you again, and I shall take her away, you may be sure of that.
But why? asked Alyosha. Its all so far off. We may have to wait another year and a half.
Ah, Alexey Fyodorovitch, thats true, of course, and youll have time to quarrel and separate a thousand times in a year and a half. But I am so unhappy! Though its such nonsense, its a great blow to me. I feel like Famusov in the last scene of Sorrow from Wit. You are Tchatsky and she is Sofya, and, only fancy, Ive run down to meet you on the stairs, and in the play the fatal scene takes place on the staircase. I heard it all; I almost dropped. So this is the explanation of her dreadful night and her hysterics of late! It means love to the daughter but death to the mother. I might as well be in my grave at once. And a more serious matter still, what is this letter she has written? Show it me at once, at once!
No, theres no need. Tell me, how is Katerina Ivanovna now? I must know.