Lise, she whispered almost in his ear, Lise has greatly surprised me just now, dear Alexey Fyodorovitch. She touched me, too, and so my heart forgives her everything. Only fancy, as soon as you had gone, she began to be truly remorseful for having laughed at you today and yesterday, though she was not laughing at you, but only joking. But she was seriously sorry for it, almost ready to cry, so that I was quite surprised. She has never been really sorry for laughing at me, but has only made a joke of it. And you know she is laughing at me every minute. But this time she was in earnest. She thinks a great deal of your opinion, Alexey Fyodorovitch, and dont take offense or be wounded by her if you can help it. I am never hard upon her, for shes such a clever little thing. Would you believe it? She said just now that you were a friend of her childhood, the greatest friend of her childhoodjust think of thatgreatest friendand what about me? She has very strong feelings and memories, and, whats more, she uses these phrases, most unexpected words, which come out all of a sudden when you least expect them. She spoke lately about a pinetree, for instance: there used to be a pinetree standing in our garden in her early childhood. Very likely its standing there still; so theres no need to speak in the past tense. Pinetrees are not like people, Alexey Fyodorovitch, they dont change quickly. Mamma, she said, I remember this pinetree as in a dream, only she said something so original about it that I cant repeat it. Besides, Ive forgotten it. Well, goodby! I am so worried I feel I shall go out of my mind. Ah! Alexey Fyodorovitch, Ive been out of my mind twice in my life. Go to Lise, cheer her up, as you always can so charmingly. Lise, she cried, going to her door, here Ive brought you Alexey Fyodorovitch, whom you insulted so. He is not at all angry, I assure you; on the contrary, he is surprised that you could suppose so.
Merci, maman. Come in, Alexey Fyodorovitch.
Alyosha went in. Lise looked rather embarrassed, and at once flushed crimson. She was evidently ashamed of something, and, as people always do in such cases, she began immediately talking of other things, as though they were of absorbing interest to her at the moment.
Merci, maman. Come in, Alexey Fyodorovitch.
Alyosha went in. Lise looked rather embarrassed, and at once flushed crimson. She was evidently ashamed of something, and, as people always do in such cases, she began immediately talking of other things, as though they were of absorbing interest to her at the moment.
Mamma has just told me all about the two hundred roubles, Alexey Fyodorovitch, and your taking them to that poor officer and she told me all the awful story of how he had been insulted and you know, although mamma muddles things she always rushes from one thing to another I cried when I heard. Well, did you give him the money and how is that poor man getting on?
The fact is I didnt give it to him, and its a long story, answered Alyosha, as though he, too, could think of nothing but his regret at having failed, yet Lise saw perfectly well that he, too, looked away, and that he, too, was trying to talk of other things.
Alyosha sat down to the table and began to tell his story, but at the first words he lost his embarrassment and gained the whole of Lises attention as well. He spoke with deep feeling, under the influence of the strong impression he had just received, and he succeeded in telling his story well and circumstantially. In old days in Moscow he had been fond of coming to Lise and describing to her what had just happened to him, what he had read, or what he remembered of his childhood. Sometimes they had made daydreams and woven whole romances togethergenerally cheerful and amusing ones. Now they both felt suddenly transported to the old days in Moscow, two years before. Lise was extremely touched by his story. Alyosha described Ilusha with warm feeling. When he finished describing how the luckless man trampled on the money, Lise could not help clasping her hands and crying out:
So you didnt give him the money! So you let him run away! Oh, dear, you ought to have run after him!
No, Lise; its better I didnt run after him, said Alyosha, getting up from his chair and walking thoughtfully across the room.
How so? How is it better? Now they are without food and their case is hopeless?
Not hopeless, for the two hundred roubles will still come to them. Hell take the money tomorrow. Tomorrow he will be sure to take it, said Alyosha, pacing up and down, pondering. You see, Lise, he went on, stopping suddenly before her, I made one blunder, but that, even that, is all for the best.
What blunder, and why is it for the best?
Ill tell you. He is a man of weak and timorous character; he has suffered so much and is very goodnatured. I keep wondering why he took offense so suddenly, for I assure you, up to the last minute, he did not know that he was going to trample on the notes. And I think now that there was a great deal to offend him and it could not have been otherwise in his position. To begin with, he was sore at having been so glad of the money in my presence and not having concealed it from me. If he had been pleased, but not so much; if he had not shown it; if he had begun affecting scruples and difficulties, as other people do when they take money, he might still endure to take it. But he was too genuinely delighted, and that was mortifying. Ah, Lise, he is a good and truthful manthats the worst of the whole business. All the while he talked, his voice was so weak, so broken, he talked so fast, so fast, he kept laughing such a laugh, or perhaps he was cryingyes, I am sure he was crying, he was so delightedand he talked about his daughtersand about the situation he could get in another town. And when he had poured out his heart, he felt ashamed at having shown me his inmost soul like that. So he began to hate me at once. He is one of those awfully sensitive poor people. What had made him feel most ashamed was that he had given in too soon and accepted me as a friend, you see. At first he almost flew at me and tried to intimidate me, but as soon as he saw the money he had begun embracing me; he kept touching me with his hands. This must have been how he came to feel it all so humiliating, and then I made that blunder, a very important one. I suddenly said to him that if he had not money enough to move to another town, we would give it to him, and, indeed, I myself would give him as much as he wanted out of my own money. That struck him all at once. Why, he thought, did I put myself forward to help him? You know, Lise, its awfully hard for a man who has been injured, when other people look at him as though they were his benefactors. Ive heard that; Father Zossima told me so. I dont know how to put it, but I have often seen it myself. And I feel like that myself, too. And the worst of it was that though he did not know, up to the very last minute, that he would trample on the notes, he had a kind of presentiment of it, I am sure of that. Thats just what made him so ecstatic, that he had that presentiment. And though its so dreadful, its all for the best. In fact, I believe nothing better could have happened.
Why, why could nothing better have happened? cried Lise, looking with great surprise at Alyosha.
Because if he had taken the money, in an hour after getting home, he would be crying with mortification, thats just what would have happened. And most likely he would have come to me early tomorrow, and perhaps have flung the notes at me and trampled upon them as he did just now. But now he has gone home awfully proud and triumphant, though he knows he has ruined himself. So now nothing could be easier than to make him accept the two hundred roubles by tomorrow, for he has already vindicated his honor, tossed away the money, and trampled it under foot. He couldnt know when he did it that I should bring it to him again tomorrow, and yet he is in terrible need of that money. Though he is proud of himself now, yet even today hell be thinking what a help he has lost. He will think of it more than ever at night, will dream of it, and by tomorrow morning he may be ready to run to me to ask forgiveness. Its just then that Ill appear. Here, you are a proud man, I shall say: you have shown it; but now take the money and forgive us! And then he will take it!
Alyosha was carried away with joy as he uttered his last words, And then he will take it! Lise clapped her hands.
Ah, thats true! I understand that perfectly now. Ah, Alyosha, how do you know all this? So young and yet he knows whats in the heart. I should never have worked it out.
The great thing now is to persuade him that he is on an equal footing with us, in spite of his taking money from us, Alyosha went on in his excitement, and not only on an equal, but even on a higher footing.
On a higher footing is charming, Alexey Fyodorovitch; but go on, go on!
You mean there isnt such an expression as on a higher footing; but that doesnt matter because
Oh, no, of course it doesnt matter. Forgive me, Alyosha, dear. You know, I scarcely respected you till nowthat is I respected you but on an equal footing; but now I shall begin to respect you on a higher footing. Dont be angry, dear, at my joking, she put in at once, with strong feeling. I am absurd and small, but you, you! Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch. Isnt there in all our analysisI mean your analysis no, better call it oursarent we showing contempt for him, for that poor manin analyzing his soul like this, as it were, from above, eh? In deciding so certainly that he will take the money?
Alyosha was carried away with joy as he uttered his last words, And then he will take it! Lise clapped her hands.
Ah, thats true! I understand that perfectly now. Ah, Alyosha, how do you know all this? So young and yet he knows whats in the heart. I should never have worked it out.
The great thing now is to persuade him that he is on an equal footing with us, in spite of his taking money from us, Alyosha went on in his excitement, and not only on an equal, but even on a higher footing.
On a higher footing is charming, Alexey Fyodorovitch; but go on, go on!
You mean there isnt such an expression as on a higher footing; but that doesnt matter because
Oh, no, of course it doesnt matter. Forgive me, Alyosha, dear. You know, I scarcely respected you till nowthat is I respected you but on an equal footing; but now I shall begin to respect you on a higher footing. Dont be angry, dear, at my joking, she put in at once, with strong feeling. I am absurd and small, but you, you! Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch. Isnt there in all our analysisI mean your analysis no, better call it oursarent we showing contempt for him, for that poor manin analyzing his soul like this, as it were, from above, eh? In deciding so certainly that he will take the money?
No, Lise, its not contempt, Alyosha answered, as though he had prepared himself for the question. I was thinking of that on the way here. How can it be contempt when we are all like him, when we are all just the same as he is? For you know we are just the same, no better. If we are better, we should have been just the same in his place. I dont know about you, Lise, but I consider that I have a sordid soul in many ways, and his soul is not sordid; on the contrary, full of fine feeling. No, Lise, I have no contempt for him. Do you know, Lise, my elder told me once to care for most people exactly as one would for children, and for some of them as one would for the sick in hospitals.
Ah, Alexey Fyodorovitch, dear, let us care for people as we would for the sick!
Let us, Lise; I am ready. Though I am not altogether ready in myself. I am sometimes very impatient and at other times I dont see things. Its different with you.
Ah, I dont believe it! Alexey Fyodorovitch, how happy I am!
I am so glad you say so, Lise.
Alexey Fyodorovitch, you are wonderfully good, but you are sometimes sort of formal. And yet you are not a bit formal really. Go to the door, open it gently, and see whether mamma is listening, said Lise, in a nervous, hurried whisper.
Alyosha went, opened the door, and reported that no one was listening.
Come here, Alexey Fyodorovitch, Lise went on, flushing redder and redder. Give me your handthats right. I have to make a great confession, I didnt write to you yesterday in joke, but in earnest, and she hid her eyes with her hand. It was evident that she was greatly ashamed of the confession.