Smerdyakov got up slowly; Marya Kondratyevna rose too.
How am I to know about Dmitri Fyodorovitch? Its not as if I were his keeper, answered Smerdyakov quietly, distinctly, and superciliously.
But I simply asked whether you do know? Alyosha explained.
I know nothing of his whereabouts and dont want to.
But my brother told me that you let him know all that goes on in the house, and promised to let him know when Agrafena Alexandrovna comes.
Smerdyakov turned a deliberate, unmoved glance upon him.
And how did you get in this time, since the gate was bolted an hour ago? he asked, looking at Alyosha.
I came in from the backalley, over the fence, and went straight to the summerhouse. I hope youll forgive me, he added, addressing Marya Kondratyevna. I was in a hurry to find my brother.
Ach, as though we could take it amiss in you! drawled Marya Kondratyevna, flattered by Alyoshas apology. For Dmitri Fyodorovitch often goes to the summerhouse in that way. We dont know he is here and he is sitting in the summerhouse.
I am very anxious to find him, or to learn from you where he is now. Believe me, its on business of great importance to him.
He never tells us, lisped Marya Kondratyevna.
Though I used to come here as a friend, Smerdyakov began again, Dmitri Fyodorovitch has pestered me in a merciless way even here by his incessant questions about the master. What news? hell ask. Whats going on in there now? Whos coming and going? and cant I tell him something more. Twice already hes threatened me with death.
With death? Alyosha exclaimed in surprise.
Do you suppose hed think much of that, with his temper, which you had a chance of observing yourself yesterday? He says if I let Agrafena Alexandrovna in and she passes the night there, Ill be the first to suffer for it. I am terribly afraid of him, and if I were not even more afraid of doing so, I ought to let the police know. God only knows what he might not do!
His honor said to him the other day, Ill pound you in a mortar! added Marya Kondratyevna.
Oh, if its pounding in a mortar, it may be only talk, observed Alyosha. If I could meet him, I might speak to him about that too.
Well, the only thing I can tell you is this, said Smerdyakov, as though thinking better of it; I am here as an old friend and neighbor, and it would be odd if I didnt come. On the other hand, Ivan Fyodorovitch sent me first thing this morning to your brothers lodging in Lake Street, without a letter, but with a message to Dmitri Fyodorovitch to go to dine with him at the restaurant here, in the marketplace. I went, but didnt find Dmitri Fyodorovitch at home, though it was eight oclock. Hes been here, but he is quite gone, those were the very words of his landlady. Its as though there was an understanding between them. Perhaps at this moment he is in the restaurant with Ivan Fyodorovitch, for Ivan Fyodorovitch has not been home to dinner and Fyodor Pavlovitch dined alone an hour ago, and is gone to lie down. But I beg you most particularly not to speak of me and of what I have told you, for hed kill me for nothing at all.
Brother Ivan invited Dmitri to the restaurant today? repeated Alyosha quickly.
Thats so.
The Metropolis tavern in the marketplace?
The very same.
Thats quite likely, cried Alyosha, much excited. Thank you, Smerdyakov; thats important. Ill go there at once.
Dont betray me, Smerdyakov called after him.
Oh, no, Ill go to the tavern as though by chance. Dont be anxious.
But wait a minute, Ill open the gate to you, cried Marya Kondratyevna.
No; its a short cut, Ill get over the fence again.
What he had heard threw Alyosha into great agitation. He ran to the tavern. It was impossible for him to go into the tavern in his monastic dress, but he could inquire at the entrance for his brothers and call them down. But just as he reached the tavern, a window was flung open, and his brother Ivan called down to him from it.
Alyosha, cant you come up here to me? I shall be awfully grateful.
To be sure I can, only I dont quite know whether in this dress
But I am in a room apart. Come up the steps; Ill run down to meet you.
A minute later Alyosha was sitting beside his brother. Ivan was alone dining.
Chapter III.
The Brothers Make Friends
Ivan was not, however, in a separate room, but only in a place shut off by a screen, so that it was unseen by other people in the room. It was the first room from the entrance with a buffet along the wall. Waiters were continually darting to and fro in it. The only customer in the room was an old retired military man drinking tea in a corner. But there was the usual bustle going on in the other rooms of the tavern; there were shouts for the waiters, the sound of popping corks, the click of billiard balls, the drone of the organ. Alyosha knew that Ivan did not usually visit this tavern and disliked taverns in general. So he must have come here, he reflected, simply to meet Dmitri by arrangement. Yet Dmitri was not there.
Shall I order you fish, soup or anything. You dont live on tea alone, I suppose, cried Ivan, apparently delighted at having got hold of Alyosha. He had finished dinner and was drinking tea.
Let me have soup, and tea afterwards, I am hungry, said Alyosha gayly.
And cherry jam? They have it here. You remember how you used to love cherry jam when you were little?
You remember that? Let me have jam too, I like it still.
Ivan rang for the waiter and ordered soup, jam and tea.
I remember everything, Alyosha, I remember you till you were eleven, I was nearly fifteen. Theres such a difference between fifteen and eleven that brothers are never companions at those ages. I dont know whether I was fond of you even. When I went away to Moscow for the first few years I never thought of you at all. Then, when you came to Moscow yourself, we only met once somewhere, I believe. And now Ive been here more than three months, and so far we have scarcely said a word to each other. Tomorrow I am going away, and I was just thinking as I sat here how I could see you to say goodby and just then you passed.
Were you very anxious to see me, then?
Very. I want to get to know you once for all, and I want you to know me. And then to say goodby. I believe its always best to get to know people just before leaving them. Ive noticed how youve been looking at me these three months. There has been a continual look of expectation in your eyes, and I cant endure that. Thats how it is Ive kept away from you. But in the end I have learned to respect you. The little man stands firm, I thought. Though I am laughing, I am serious. You do stand firm, dont you? I like people who are firm like that whatever it is they stand by, even if they are such little fellows as you. Your expectant eyes ceased to annoy me, I grew fond of them in the end, those expectant eyes. You seem to love me for some reason, Alyosha?
I do love you, Ivan. Dmitri says of youIvan is a tomb! I say of you, Ivan is a riddle. You are a riddle to me even now. But I understand something in you, and I did not understand it till this morning.
Whats that? laughed Ivan.
You wont be angry? Alyosha laughed too.
Well?
That you are just as young as other young men of three and twenty, that you are just a young and fresh and nice boy, green in fact! Now, have I insulted you dreadfully?
On the contrary, I am struck by a coincidence, cried Ivan, warmly and goodhumoredly. Would you believe it that ever since that scene with her, I have thought of nothing else but my youthful greenness, and just as though you guessed that, you begin about it. Do you know Ive been sitting here thinking to myself: that if I didnt believe in life, if I lost faith in the woman I love, lost faith in the order of things, were convinced in fact that everything is a disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devilridden chaos, if I were struck by every horror of mans disillusionmentstill I should want to live and, having once tasted of the cup, I would not turn away from it till I had drained it! At thirty, though, I shall be sure to leave the cup, even if Ive not emptied it, and turn awaywhere I dont know. But till I am thirty, I know that my youth will triumph over everythingevery disillusionment, every disgust with life. Ive asked myself many times whether there is in the world any despair that would overcome this frantic and perhaps unseemly thirst for life in me, and Ive come to the conclusion that there isnt, that is till I am thirty, and then I shall lose it of myself, I fancy. Some driveling consumptive moralistsand poets especiallyoften call that thirst for life base. Its a feature of the Karamazovs, its true, that thirst for life regardless of everything; you have it no doubt too, but why is it base? The centripetal force on our planet is still fearfully strong, Alyosha. I have a longing for life, and I go on living in spite of logic. Though I may not believe in the order of the universe, yet I love the sticky little leaves as they open in spring. I love the blue sky, I love some people, whom one loves you know sometimes without knowing why. I love some great deeds done by men, though Ive long ceased perhaps to have faith in them, yet from old habit ones heart prizes them. Here they have brought the soup for you, eat it, it will do you good. Its firstrate soup, they know how to make it here. I want to travel in Europe, Alyosha, I shall set off from here. And yet I know that I am only going to a graveyard, but its a most precious graveyard, thats what it is! Precious are the dead that lie there, every stone over them speaks of such burning life in the past, of such passionate faith in their work, their truth, their struggle and their science, that I know I shall fall on the ground and kiss those stones and weep over them; though Im convinced in my heart that its long been nothing but a graveyard. And I shall not weep from despair, but simply because I shall be happy in my tears, I shall steep my soul in my emotion. I love the sticky leaves in spring, the blue skythats all it is. Its not a matter of intellect or logic, its loving with ones inside, with ones stomach. One loves the first strength of ones youth. Do you understand anything of my tirade, Alyosha? Ivan laughed suddenly.