I understand too well, Ivan. One longs to love with ones inside, with ones stomach. You said that so well and I am awfully glad that you have such a longing for life, cried Alyosha. I think every one should love life above everything in the world.
Love life more than the meaning of it?
Certainly, love it, regardless of logic as you say, it must be regardless of logic, and its only then one will understand the meaning of it. I have thought so a long time. Half your work is done, Ivan, you love life, now youve only to try to do the second half and you are saved.
You are trying to save me, but perhaps I am not lost! And what does your second half mean?
Why, one has to raise up your dead, who perhaps have not died after all. Come, let me have tea. I am so glad of our talk, Ivan.
I see you are feeling inspired. I am awfully fond of such professions de foi from suchnovices. You are a steadfast person, Alexey. Is it true that you mean to leave the monastery?
Yes, my elder sends me out into the world.
We shall see each other then in the world. We shall meet before I am thirty, when I shall begin to turn aside from the cup. Father doesnt want to turn aside from his cup till he is seventy, he dreams of hanging on to eighty in fact, so he says. He means it only too seriously, though he is a buffoon. He stands on a firm rock, too, he stands on his sensualitythough after we are thirty, indeed, there may be nothing else to stand on. But to hang on to seventy is nasty, better only to thirty; one might retain a shadow of nobility by deceiving oneself. Have you seen Dmitri today?
No, but I saw Smerdyakov, and Alyosha rapidly, though minutely, described his meeting with Smerdyakov. Ivan began listening anxiously and questioned him.
But he begged me not to tell Dmitri that he had told me about him, added Alyosha. Ivan frowned and pondered.
Are you frowning on Smerdyakovs account? asked Alyosha.
Yes, on his account. Damn him, I certainly did want to see Dmitri, but now theres no need, said Ivan reluctantly.
But are you really going so soon, brother?
No, but I saw Smerdyakov, and Alyosha rapidly, though minutely, described his meeting with Smerdyakov. Ivan began listening anxiously and questioned him.
But he begged me not to tell Dmitri that he had told me about him, added Alyosha. Ivan frowned and pondered.
Are you frowning on Smerdyakovs account? asked Alyosha.
Yes, on his account. Damn him, I certainly did want to see Dmitri, but now theres no need, said Ivan reluctantly.
But are you really going so soon, brother?
Yes.
What of Dmitri and father? how will it end? asked Alyosha anxiously.
You are always harping upon it! What have I to do with it? Am I my brother Dmitris keeper? Ivan snapped irritably, but then he suddenly smiled bitterly. Cains answer about his murdered brother, wasnt it? Perhaps thats what youre thinking at this moment? Well, damn it all, I cant stay here to be their keeper, can I? Ive finished what I had to do, and I am going. Do you imagine I am jealous of Dmitri, that Ive been trying to steal his beautiful Katerina Ivanovna for the last three months? Nonsense, I had business of my own. I finished it. I am going. I finished it just now, you were witness.
At Katerina Ivanovnas?
Yes, and Ive released myself once for all. And after all, what have I to do with Dmitri? Dmitri doesnt come in. I had my own business to settle with Katerina Ivanovna. You know, on the contrary, that Dmitri behaved as though there was an understanding between us. I didnt ask him to do it, but he solemnly handed her over to me and gave us his blessing. Its all too funny. Ah, Alyosha, if you only knew how light my heart is now! Would you believe, it, I sat here eating my dinner and was nearly ordering champagne to celebrate my first hour of freedom. Tfoo! Its been going on nearly six months, and all at once Ive thrown it off. I could never have guessed even yesterday, how easy it would be to put an end to it if I wanted.
You are speaking of your love, Ivan?
Of my love, if you like. I fell in love with the young lady, I worried myself over her and she worried me. I sat watching over her and all at once its collapsed! I spoke this morning with inspiration, but I went away and roared with laughter. Would you believe it? Yes, its the literal truth.
You seem very merry about it now, observed Alyosha, looking into his face, which had suddenly grown brighter.
But how could I tell that I didnt care for her a bit! Ha ha! It appears after all I didnt. And yet how she attracted me! How attractive she was just now when I made my speech! And do you know she attracts me awfully even now, yet how easy it is to leave her. Do you think I am boasting?
No, only perhaps it wasnt love.
Alyosha, laughed Ivan, dont make reflections about love, its unseemly for you. How you rushed into the discussion this morning! Ive forgotten to kiss you for it. But how she tormented me! It certainly was sitting by a laceration. Ah, she knew how I loved her! She loved me and not Dmitri, Ivan insisted gayly. Her feeling for Dmitri was simply a selflaceration. All I told her just now was perfectly true, but the worst of it is, it may take her fifteen or twenty years to find out that she doesnt care for Dmitri, and loves me whom she torments, and perhaps she may never find it out at all, in spite of her lesson today. Well, its better so; I can simply go away for good. By the way, how is she now? What happened after I departed?
Alyosha told him she had been hysterical, and that she was now, he heard, unconscious and delirious.
Isnt Madame Hohlakov laying it on?
I think not.
I must find out. Nobody dies of hysterics, though. They dont matter. God gave woman hysterics as a relief. I wont go to her at all. Why push myself forward again?
But you told her that she had never cared for you.
I did that on purpose. Alyosha, shall I call for some champagne? Let us drink to my freedom. Ah, if only you knew how glad I am!
No, brother, we had better not drink, said Alyosha suddenly. Besides I feel somehow depressed.
Yes, youve been depressed a long time, Ive noticed it.
Have you settled to go tomorrow morning, then?
Morning? I didnt say I should go in the morning. But perhaps it may be the morning. Would you believe it, I dined here today only to avoid dining with the old man, I loathe him so. I should have left long ago, so far as he is concerned. But why are you so worried about my going away? Weve plenty of time before I go, an eternity!
If you are going away tomorrow, what do you mean by an eternity?
But what does it matter to us? laughed Ivan. Weve time enough for our talk, for what brought us here. Why do you look so surprised? Answer: why have we met here? To talk of my love for Katerina Ivanovna, of the old man and Dmitri? of foreign travel? of the fatal position of Russia? Of the Emperor Napoleon? Is that it?
No.
Then you know what for. Its different for other people; but we in our green youth have to settle the eternal questions first of all. Thats what we care about. Young Russia is talking about nothing but the eternal questions now. Just when the old folks are all taken up with practical questions. Why have you been looking at me in expectation for the last three months? To ask me, What do you believe, or dont you believe at all? Thats what your eyes have been meaning for these three months, havent they?
Perhaps so, smiled Alyosha. You are not laughing at me, now, Ivan?
Me laughing! I dont want to wound my little brother who has been watching me with such expectation for three months. Alyosha, look straight at me! Of course I am just such a little boy as you are, only not a novice. And what have Russian boys been doing up till now, some of them, I mean? In this stinking tavern, for instance, here, they meet and sit down in a corner. Theyve never met in their lives before and, when they go out of the tavern, they wont meet again for forty years. And what do they talk about in that momentary halt in the tavern? Of the eternal questions, of the existence of God and immortality. And those who do not believe in God talk of socialism or anarchism, of the transformation of all humanity on a new pattern, so that it all comes to the same, theyre the same questions turned inside out. And masses, masses of the most original Russian boys do nothing but talk of the eternal questions! Isnt it so?
Yes, for real Russians the questions of Gods existence and of immortality, or, as you say, the same questions turned inside out, come first and foremost, of course, and so they should, said Alyosha, still watching his brother with the same gentle and inquiring smile.
Well, Alyosha, its sometimes very unwise to be a Russian at all, but anything stupider than the way Russian boys spend their time one can hardly imagine. But theres one Russian boy called Alyosha I am awfully fond of.
How nicely you put that in! Alyosha laughed suddenly.
Well, tell me where to begin, give your orders. The existence of God, eh?
Begin where you like. You declared yesterday at fathers that there was no God. Alyosha looked searchingly at his brother.
I said that yesterday at dinner on purpose to tease you and I saw your eyes glow. But now Ive no objection to discussing with you, and I say so very seriously. I want to be friends with you, Alyosha, for I have no friends and want to try it. Well, only fancy, perhaps I too accept God, laughed Ivan; thats a surprise for you, isnt it?
Yes, of course, if you are not joking now.
Joking? I was told at the elders yesterday that I was joking. You know, dear boy, there was an old sinner in the eighteenth century who declared that, if there were no God, he would have to be invented. Sil nexistait pas Dieu, il faudrait linventer. And man has actually invented God. And whats strange, what would be marvelous, is not that God should really exist; the marvel is that such an idea, the idea of the necessity of God, could enter the head of such a savage, vicious beast as man. So holy it is, so touching, so wise and so great a credit it does to man. As for me, Ive long resolved not to think whether man created God or God man. And I wont go through all the axioms laid down by Russian boys on that subject, all derived from European hypotheses; for whats a hypothesis there, is an axiom with the Russian boy, and not only with the boys but with their teachers too, for our Russian professors are often just the same boys themselves. And so I omit all the hypotheses. For what are we aiming at now? I am trying to explain as quickly as possible my essential nature, that is what manner of man I am, what I believe in, and for what I hope, thats it, isnt it? And therefore I tell you that I accept God simply. But you must note this: if God exists and if He really did create the world, then, as we all know, He created it according to the geometry of Euclid and the human mind with the conception of only three dimensions in space. Yet there have been and still are geometricians and philosophers, and even some of the most distinguished, who doubt whether the whole universe, or to speak more widely the whole of being, was only created in Euclids geometry; they even dare to dream that two parallel lines, which according to Euclid can never meet on earth, may meet somewhere in infinity. I have come to the conclusion that, since I cant understand even that, I cant expect to understand about God. I acknowledge humbly that I have no faculty for settling such questions, I have a Euclidian earthly mind, and how could I solve problems that are not of this world? And I advise you never to think about it either, my dear Alyosha, especially about God, whether He exists or not. All such questions are utterly inappropriate for a mind created with an idea of only three dimensions. And so I accept God and am glad to, and whats more, I accept His wisdom, His purposewhich are utterly beyond our ken; I believe in the underlying order and the meaning of life; I believe in the eternal harmony in which they say we shall one day be blended. I believe in the Word to Which the universe is striving, and Which Itself was with God, and Which Itself is God and so on, and so on, to infinity. There are all sorts of phrases for it. I seem to be on the right path, dont I? Yet would you believe it, in the final result I dont accept this world of Gods, and, although I know it exists, I dont accept it at all. Its not that I dont accept God, you must understand, its the world created by Him I dont and cannot accept. Let me make it plain. I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for, that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidian mind of man, that in the worlds finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood theyve shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened with menbut though all that may come to pass, I dont accept it. I wont accept it. Even if parallel lines do meet and I see it myself, I shall see it and say that theyve met, but still I wont accept it. Thats whats at the root of me, Alyosha; thats my creed. I am in earnest in what I say. I began our talk as stupidly as I could on purpose, but Ive led up to my confession, for thats all you want. You didnt want to hear about God, but only to know what the brother you love lives by. And so Ive told you.