I was beginning to understand why Clive hid behind the camp manner. Underneath it all there lay a sharper mind than most of his fellow cast members ever exhibited. He was just as self-absorbed as they were, but at least hed given some thought to how he earned his considerable living. I bet that made him really popular in a green room populated by egos who were each convinced they were the sole reason for the shows success. So you reckon the tug of fantasy is so strong that the millions who tune in three times
We dont, chuck, Gloria said, lighting a fresh cigarette while Clive dealt the cards. But the management do.
Thats hardly surprising, Teddy said. Theyre the ones who are going to make a bomb whatever happens.
How come? I asked.
The contract NPTV has with the ITV network is due for renegotiation. The network knows NPTV have been talking to satellite and cable companies with a view to them buying first rights in Northerners for the next three years. So the network knows that the price is going to have to go up. Theres going to be a bidding war. And the only winners are going to be the management at NPTV, with their pocketfuls of share options. If theyre wrong and the viewers dont follow the program in droves, it doesnt matter to them, because theyll already have their hot sticky hands on the cash, Clive explained.
So Turpin needs to plug the storyline leak, Gloria said, examining her cards.
Im not sure I follow you. Surely any publicity is good publicity?
Not when it involves letting the public know in advance whats going to happen, Teddy said, raising his eyes to the heavens as if I was stupid. I didnt react. After all, I wasnt the one who was currently fourteen quid out of pocket.
Clive took pity on my puzzlement. If people know the big storylines in advance, a lot of them think it wont be the end of the world if they miss a few eps, because they know what theyll be missing. Once they get out of the habit of watching every ep religiously, their viewing habits drift.
They find other programs on at the same time that they get to like. They dont bother setting the video to watch us because they think they already know whats going to happen. Or they just go down the pub. Before you know it, theyve lost touch with the program, Gloria continued. One heart.
Especially now were three times a week. You dip out for two, three weeks and when you come back, you dont know some of the faces. Im going to pass this time.
Teddy tugged at his shirt collar, a mannerism either hed borrowed from Arthur Barrowclough or the character had borrowed from him. Two hearts. And every time the viewing figures drop, John Turpin sees his share of the profits going down.
And we get to watch his blood pressure going up, Gloria said. Three hearts, she added, noting my shake of the head.
Id have thought hed be on to a loser, trying to find out whos behind it. Its too good an earner for the mole to give it up, and no journalist on the receiving end of a series of exclusives like that is going to expose a source, I said.
Id have thought hed be on to a loser, trying to find out whos behind it. Its too good an earner for the mole to give it up, and no journalist on the receiving end of a series of exclusives like that is going to expose a source, I said.
It wont be for want of trying, Gloria said. Hes even got every script coded so that any photocopied pages can be traced back. I hope whoever it is really is making a killing, because theyre not going to earn another shilling off NPTV if theyre caught.
Youll never work in this town again, Teddy drawled in a surprisingly convincing American accent. I was so accustomed to him behaving in character Id almost forgotten he was an actor.
And speaking of making a killing, Gloria, any more news from your stalker?
Gloria scowled. By heck, Clive, you know how to put a girl off her game. No, Ive heard nowt since I took Kate on. Im hoping weve frightened him off.
How do you know its a he? Clive said.
Believe me, Clive, I know.
We played out the hand in silence for a moment. In bridge as in life, Ive always been better at defense than attack. Clive also seemed to relish the taste of blood and we left Gloria and Teddy three tricks short of their contract. My client raised her eyebrows and lit another cigarette. She lied so beautifully, Teddy. I really believed her when she said she was crap at this.
Dont tell Turpin, Teddy said sharply. Hell hire her out from under you.
My dears, for all we know, hes done that already, Clive said archly.
I should be so lucky, I thought as they all stared at me. Im not proud about whose money I take. Maybe I should engineer another encounter with Turpin the hatchet man and kill two birds with one
I nodded. Fair enough. Whose deal is it?
Chapter 6
VENUS IN LEO IN THE 4TH HOUSE
She can show great extravagance, both practical and emotional, to those she cares for. She is loyal but likes to dominate situations of the heart. She has creative ability, which can sometimes lead to selfdramatization. Her domestic surroundings must be easy on the eye.
From Written in the Stars, by Dorothea Dawson
My second evening bodyguarding Gloria Kendal taught me that I really should pay more attention to the client. The evening engagement Id so blithely agreed to turned out to be another of the nights from hell that seemed to be how Gloria spent her free time. That night, she was guest of honor at the annual dinner dance of the ladies division of the North West branch of the Association of Beverage and Victuals Providers. Ive never been in the same room as that much hairspray. If taste were IQ, there would only have been a handful of them escaping Special Needs education. Id thought the Blackburn outfit would have blended in nicely at a women-only dinner, but I was as flash as a peahen at a peacock convention. I should have realized Gloria wasnt wearing those sequins and diamanté for a bet.
About ten minutes after we arrived in Ormskirk, I sussed this wasnt one of those dinners you go to for the food. I know 70s food is coming back into fashion, but the Boar and Truffles menu of prawn cocktail, boeuf bourguignon and, to crown it all, Black Forest gateau, owed nothing to the Style Police or the foodies. You could tell that every cooking fashion in the intervening twenty years had passed them by. This was a dinner my Granny Brannigan would have recognized and approved of. It wasnt entirely surprising; nobody who had any choice in the matter would spend a
The landladies, most of whom almost certainly served better pub grub back home, didnt care. The only function of the food they were interested in was its capacity to line the stomach and absorb alcohol. It wasnt a night to be the designated driver, never mind bodyguard.
Gloria was on fine form, though. Shed heeded what Id said about keeping her back to the wall and trying to make sure there was a table between her and her admirers. It wasnt easy, given how many of the female publicans of the North West desperately needed to have their photographs taken in a clinch with my client. But she smiled and smiled, and drank her gin and made a blisteringly funny and scathing speech that would have had a rugby club audience blushing.
Im sorry youve been landed with all this ferrying me around, she said as I drove across the flat fields of the Fylde towards the motorway and civilization.
Who normally does it? I asked.
A pal of mine. He got the sack last year for being over fifty. Hes not going to get another job at his age. He enjoys the driving and it gives him a few quid in his back pocket. She yawned and reached for her cigarettes. It was her car, so I didnt feel I could complain. Instead, I opened the window. Gloria shivered at the blast of cold air and snorted with laughter. Point taken, she said, shoving the cigarettes back in her bag. How much longer do you think were going to have to be joined at the hip?
Depends on you, I said. I dont think youve got a stalker. Ive seen no signs of anybody following us, and Ive had a good look around where you live. Theres no obvious vantage point for anybody to stake out your home
One of the reasons I bought it, Gloria interrupted. Those bloody snappers with their long lenses make our lives a misery, you know. All those editors, they all made their holier-than-thou Suns readers have any right to know whether Im having Busy Lizzies or lobelia this year.
So that probably confirms that whoever has been sending the letters is connected to the show; they can keep tabs on you because they see you at work every day. And they can pick up background details quite easily, it seems to me. The cast members talk quite freely among themselves and you dont have to set out to eavesdrop to pick up all sorts of personal information. Ive only been on the set for a couple of days and already I know Paul Naylors seeing an acupuncturist in Chinatown for his eczema, Rita Hardwicks husband breeds pugs and Tiffany Josephs bulimic. Another week and Id have enough background information to write threatening letters to half the cast. What I didnt say was that another week among the terminally self-obsessed, and threatening letters would be the least of what Id be up for.
Its not a pretty thought, that. Somebody that knows me hates me enough to want me to be frightened. I dont like that idea one little bit.
If the letters and the tire slashing are connected, then it almost certainly has to be somebody at NPTV, you know. Of course, it is possible that the tire slasher isnt the letter writer, just some sicko who took advantage of your concern over the letters to wind you up. Ive asked you this before, but youve had time to think about it now: are you sure there isnt anybody youve pissed off that might just be one scene short of a script?
Gloria shook her head. Come on, chuck. Youve spent time with me now. Youve seen the way I am with the folk I work with. Im a long way off perfect, but I dont wind them up like certain other people I could mention.
Id noticed, I said drily. The thing is, now everybody at NPTV knows youre taking what Dorothea said seriously. The person who wrote you those letters is basking in a sense of power, which means that he or she probably wont feel the need to carry