The rest of the exchange was a blur of drowned-out words and movements, an event I was only physically part of. It was the same way I lived most moments of my life lately, like being underwater in a pool and looking up at the people standing at the edge of it. You can hear talking and see images, but nothing makes complete sense.
Zoë, did you hear that?
I blinked rapidly, breaking through the surface of the water.
What? Im sorry, I said, thinking I must have looked a complete idiot. I shook my head. No, I missed what you said.
Kate looked at me for a long moment, trying to get a read on me.
Ray says he has a buddy whos going to be out of the country for the next nine months and needs a house-sitter while hes away. Her eyes widened with excitement. Isnt that interesting? she prompted.
Apparently, it was much more interesting to her than it was to me. Or I was just completely missing something here. How on earth was this relevant to me?
She continued, looking intently at me for some sign of comprehension. She was going to be sorely disappointed, though, because I wasnt getting it even enough to fake that I was getting it.
You knowtake care of the place, live there with only utilities to pay. Of course, his stuff will basically all still be there. The whole point of this is that he doesnt want to have to deal with the hassle of renters, but he also doesnt want to have to worry about the house sitting vacant for so long.
I was still looking at her quite blankly.
Clearly, I must still be missing something.
Ray apparently picked up on my confusion and took pity on me. He stroked his closely clipped, chestnut-colored beard and leaned conspiratorially close.
I think she thinks you should consider doing him a favor and taking the worry of the house off his hands, he whispered loudly.
I raised an eyebrow and looked from Ray to Kate and back again to Ray.
You two are both nuts, I said, shaking my head in disbelief. Insane. This guys never met me. How would me being in his house be doing him a favor? I asked, making air quotes with my fingers.
Ray straightened and pulled his most serious face. It was almost comical.
Neil and I have been friends since we were ten, and he takes my opinion of people very seriously. If I told him I found someone I thought would be a perfect person to have staying in his house, believe mehe wouldnt think twice about letting you stay there. Hes got plenty of other worries right now just trying to get all of his stuff together to go. Taking this off his shoulders would be a big relief to him. He smiled at me. Besides, then Id be able to keep a closer eye on you after Kate here leaves to go live up in Hot-lanta.
I turned to Kate and gave her my best withering look.
Whats this, you know him for five minutes and already youve got him brainwashed to be on your side?
My death stare moved to Ray.
What happened to loyalty? I asked, feigning disgust and shaking my head.
I felt inexplicably as if I might be staring in the face of an unexpected opportunity, and there was an undercurrent of excitement running through me. But it had been so long since Id felt anything of the sort that it was almost a foreign sensation.
Unidentifiable, confusing.
A little bit scary, even.
Ray shot me a wounded look.
I am loyal to a fault. To. A. Fault, he said solemnly. In fact, Loyalty is my middle name. I just happen to think that Kate here is absolutely right, and you need to move.
His head moved up and down in a slow nod, his dark hair flopping into his eyes.
Kate shot me a See? look, to which I responded with another cocked-eyebrow scowl.
I couldnt take this anymore. I needed to get out of there, away from the pressure I suddenly felt piling on me. I knew they both meant well, knew that both of them only wanted the best for me. But I also knew that Kate was trying to rush me into doing something I didnt feel ready for, that Ray didnt have nearly all the pieces of the puzzle.
He didnt know why I came in so often looking as though I was in mourning.
Hed never asked, and Id never told him.
I couldnt bear the thought of having his pity.
I I started, feeling my chest tighten as though someone was sitting on it.
And then I walked out, away from the smell of coffee and the suffocating feeling that I was having my last shred of control taken away from me.
Its amazing how quickly fear can turn a glimmer of hope into the headlights of an oncoming train.
Chapter 4
It was time.
It was time, and I could do this.
I was doing this.
Millions of people all over the world did this every day without giving it a second thought, yet here I wasparalyzed.
I was standing in line at the movie theater, alone.
All alone.
In a long, snake-like line of people that seemed to have no end.
Alone.
In line to buy a single ticket to sit alone in a darkened theater full of people who didnt give me a thought.
All alone.
Did I really want to do this?
No, Zoë, you dont. But you also dont want to have to spend the rest of your life without ever going to see a movie in the theater. It wasnt fair to put those kinds of restrictions on my life. After all, there was no guarantee.
No guarantee that I would find a friend to go with me. No guarantee that I would ever have someonemy someoneto sit with me through a movie, holding my hand or draping an arm cozily around my shoulders.
So it was time to do this, to take the step and get it over with. To acknowledge all the grown-up facts of life: life goes on, and this was simply a movie. Nothing to be afraid of.
Right?
Please tell me you have a box of Goobers in that gigantic purse of yours, or Im going to have to conclude that you are a complete theater novice. There was a familiar voice behind me, so startling that at first I couldnt place the speaker. I felt a rush of relief that warmed me almost to my toes, an unexpected surge of emotion that tickled my nose with tears. An uncontrollable grin broke my focused scowl, and I turned around to face Ray.
Please tell me you have a box of Goobers in that gigantic purse of yours, or Im going to have to conclude that you are a complete theater novice. There was a familiar voice behind me, so startling that at first I couldnt place the speaker. I felt a rush of relief that warmed me almost to my toes, an unexpected surge of emotion that tickled my nose with tears. An uncontrollable grin broke my focused scowl, and I turned around to face Ray.
Ray, my unexpected savior. There was absolutely nothing even remotely romantic between us, but at that moment, I could have kissed him. The simple sight of him made me want to clap my hands in childish glee.
What are you doing here?
I realized the pitch of my voice was borderline squeal, but I couldnt help it. My relief was indescribable; and grown-up, composed Zoë did a swan dive right off the top of the theater marquee into the kiddie pool. If I didnt watch it, I might actually grab his hands and start jumping up and down like a sugared-up tween at a boy band concert.
Not exactly the image I wanted to portray. I realized far too late that my reaction to seeing him here, at the theater, was illogical. It was probably a one-in-a-million shot that we had chosen the same movie, so our encounter was not only chance, but very likely only fleeting.
Maybe he was meeting a date.
I had the evening off, so I thought Id try to catch a movie. He paused and flicked a glance at the movie schedule posted in the box office window behind me. Not really sure whats playing; but I live close-by, so I figured Id run by and see. And lo and behold, Ray finished with a smile.
Serendipity, I said, blushing with pleasure.
Ooh, breaking out the big words, he laughed, shifting his gaze from my face to sweep the crowd around us.
Are you meeting someone here? Is Kate with you? His voice was utterly guileless, no suggestion that he was fishing for an invitation. It was simple curiosity, simple friendliness.
I shook my head, wondering if he would think my answer pathetic. Somehow, it seemed more acceptable for a man to see a movie alone.
But why?
Where had I gotten such a skewed perception of things? Did everyone share that opinion, or was it just me?
No, not meeting anyone, I replied finally.
I was almost sure he could see all of the thoughts floating around the air above my head, the way theyre drawn in comic strips.
Nope. Just me. Alone. I stopped, realizing the feelings Id been battling before Rays appearance were edging their way out into the open.
I cleared my throat, trying to get a better handle on things.
Um, I really just wanted to get out and see a movie, you know? It was kind of a last-minute whim, and I figured Kate would probably already have plans. I tried to smile with more confidence than I felt.
Besides, shell be going to Atlanta really soon, and I need to get used to her not being here again, I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. Right? I realized I was nodding my head, likely resembling a bobblehead dollin an unconscious attempt at convincing not only Ray of my independence, but also myself.
Self-assured, independent Zoë, deciding to go to the movies alone.
Just because.
Just like countless other people did.
Right, Ray said, looking a bit skeptical. So what have you decided to see?
Well, I was thinking maybe that one, I said, indicating the poster for the latest Sarah Jessica Parker movie.
Surprise, surprise. A chick flick, Ray chortled.
What, you expected me to shell out ten dollars to waste the next two hours of my life watching the most mind-numbing display of improbability, explosiveness, and cringe-worthy writing in the theater? I countered.
I guess not, he laughed, smiling at me for a moment. I wouldnt do this for just anyone, but would you like some company?
My eyebrows shot up. Really?
Why not? Youre here. Im here. Who says we shouldnt go together? He shrugged. I dont think most people go to the movies alone by choice, Zoë. I could be wrong, but Im pretty sure that the whole idea of going to the movies is to do it as a group activity. Solo movie watching is why we have Netflix. So that no one sees you alone in your pajamas watching sappy girlie movies and bawling your eyes out when some goon proposes to the girl in the story. Ray grinned wickedly. Dont deny ityou know you do. The minute the guy pops a knee, you break out the box of tissues. He paused and looked around shiftily before leaning in to whisper.So do I, he said. And then I have pillow fights with my buddies before we braid each others hair.