I reached out to swat his arm.
Jerk.
Seriously, though. Why dont you let me come with you? If nothing else, you can argue with me afterwards about how lovely the storyline was, even if it was completely implausible. Mmmkay?
I eyed him contemplatively. Why was he always so nice to me? He hardly knew me, yet he seemed to understand me. It was an odd sort of familiaritylike someone youve known your whole life, even from the first moment of meeting. And Ray seemed to be exactly what I needed, there to be a friend.
Now it was up to me to let him be there.
I smiled, one that I meant.
One that I hoped could convey how much I wanted to say but didnt really know how.
That would be great, Ray. Really great. I paused, widening my smile. And seeing as I am shamefully lacking in provisions, I would love to buy you some Goobers for your trouble.
Sweet! Ray said. Now I can do my Goober dance.
My eyes grew in horror. You have a Goober dance?
Ray shook his head as he took his place in line beside me. You are so easy, he said with a laugh.
Its Kate, I said two hours later, reading the display on my ringing phone as Ray and I meandered out of the theater.
Our rom-com deficiency now sated, I couldnt help but wonder where the evening would take us next. How was I going to untangle and gracefully make an exit without appearing rude?
I flipped it open and raised it to my ear.
Hey, Kate, where are you?
Where are you? she asked back. Theres fifty kinds of noise in the background. She paused for a beat. Are you at a bar? Tell me youre not at a bar. Your mother would kill me if she found out you went to a bar alone.
Hey! I said, mildly insulted. Why would you assume I was at a bar? And, more importantly, why are you assuming I would be there alone?
There was a stunned silence that crackled through her end of the line.
Okay, I know youve been through a lot lately, but youre still Zoëand the Zoë I know is hardly a barfly. So come on. Where are you?
There was still a thin edge of uncertainty in Kates voice, enough for me to know that she was slightly thrown. I could almost hear the wheels grinding in her head. Had I changed enough in the year that shed been gone that I might actually hit the bar scene to drown my sorrows?
I knew the answer to that, but she was showing faint shadows of doubt.
Dont worry, Kate. Im at the movies, I said, hoping my words would allay any amount of fear she might have. And Im not alone. Ray was here, so we decided to see a movie together. I realized, as soon the sentence left my mouth, what question might follow.
Together? A date? Kate asked, never one to disappoint.
No, I snorted.
Maybe I was a little too insistent to be convincing, but I was slightly annoyed at the assumption.
Couldnt men and women go to the movies together without everyone automatically jumping to the conclusion that it was a date? Why were people so anxious for me to start dating again, anyway? What if I wasnt ready? What if I didnt feel any desire for this to be a date?
I darted a glance at Ray, who seemed to be studying the movie posters on the wall with an intensity that suggested he was trying not to overhear.
Was there something wrong with me? I couldnt help but wonder as I looked at him. He was perfectly pleasant-looking, and he was such a sweet guy. Any reasonable woman would be happy to have him as a date.
Did that mean I was unreasonable? Great. Not only was I damaged, I was unreasonable in my expectations.
I was going to die alone.
All alone.
I was right back where Id started, when Id first taken my place in line at the theater earlier that evening.
Alone, alone, alone.
Zoë? I heard Kate say.
How long had she been talking? What had I missed?
Im sorry, its hard to hear you, I replied, hoping I was doing a sufficient job of recovering. All I really wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed with the covers pulled over my head.
I said Im leaving work nowthey needed me to stay latebut I was hoping maybe I could talk you into meeting up with me for dinner?
Dinner? I repeated.
Ray seemed to straighten his spine at the word. I wondered what might be going through his mind, if he even registered the movement. There was no hiding the fact that hed been listening to every word.
Yes, dinner, Kate said. You knowfood. Restaurant. You in?
Well, I hesitated, unsure of what she might say to the suggestion that was forming on my lips. Would you mind if Ray came along? I asked.
All pretenses had been dropped, and Ray was now facing me, his eyes searching my face for anything hinting at Kates answer. He looked hopeful, like a little boy waiting to hear whether his playmate can come out and play.
No, no. That would be fun, actually. Drag him along. We can get barbecue at Billy Bobs, she said.
Ah, Billy Bobs. Purveyor of the smoked-meat equivalent of crack.
I felt my stomach rumbling appreciatively in anticipation.
Meet me there in half an hour? Kate was clipping out her words now, and I could tell she was trying to wrap things up at the office and get out of there in as little time as possible.
There were a few voices in the background, snippets of words that I caught being sent her way, attempts to get her attention one last time before she stepped out the door.
See you there, I said, a small twinge of worry scratching at the happy glow that had started to wrap its way around me.
Would she be able to slow her brain down enough to really be there when she was thereor was she starting to leave already? The time Kate had left with me before she went to start her new life in Atlanta was quickly dissolving, like an Alka Seltzer tablet in a glass of hot water. It seemed to be going at an accelerated rate. Much as I hated to admit it, I was getting more and more afraid that I wouldnt be able to cope with her leaving.
Ray stood mutely at my elbow as I shut my phone and stared at it, in a silent trance, as though its plastic form might encase the answers to questions that tumbled over one another on the static-filled lines of my brain.
So whatd she say? Ray asked after a respectable number of beats.
I blinked my eyes rapidly, wrenching my thoughts and focus back to where I was standing, right here with Ray in front of the theater.
In a present reality that had cast me as a young woman grieving the loss of love and wondering what the next scene would bring. Every moment of every day unscripted, fed to me line by blind line.
Who, Kate? I asked, realizing the stupidity of my question only after it was too late.
Yes, Kate. Of course. Who else would he be referring to?
Ray nodded, kindly sidestepping the opportunity to point out my obliviousness.
Shes leaving work and wants to get some dinner, I said, self-consciously tucking my hair behind my ears before dropping my phone into the deep recesses of my purse.
Have you ever been to Billy Bobs? I asked, not sure that I should be hoping hed want to come along.
Every fiber in me knew that I would never feel anything more than friendship for this man whod unexpectedly shown up in my life, but I still wanted him there. Even after such a short time of knowing him, something told me that he was important somehow. That he would become more than just temporary. There was a bond, an indefinable network of connection that seemed to be growing between us, like roots creeping along the ground.
Whats a Billy Bob? Ray was grinning now, enjoying some game of his own making.
I raised an eyebrow at him, shaking my head sadly as though I was lamenting his ignorance.
Poor, dear, Ray. How empty your life must have been up to now, if you are so unschooled in the wonders of Billy Bobs. Youre coming with me, I said, taking him by the sleeve and tugging him on, toward the parking lot and our cars.
Have you had any luck convincing her yet? Kate asked Ray as we slid into our booth at the restaurant.
Shed never been one to waste time or words tiptoeing around delicate subjects. Which made any rare attempt she made at it that much more noticeable and, consequently, that much more unsuccessful. She hauled out the big guns almost right away, without even making a minimum effort at paving the way with small talk.
Ray smiled at hera smile, I noticed, that was not the same kind he beamed at me. This was something else. Something more. Something that telegraphed interest more than brotherly affection or simple friendship. Even in my half-blind state of grieving, I could still see that, still feel the electric current that hummed off of him when he was around her.
I looked from Rays face back to Kate. Did she see it? Did she feel it?
Youll have to forgive her, Ray. Shes about as subtle as a two-by-four, I said, casting a baleful glance at Kate as I spoke.
Lifes too short for subtlety, Zoë, Kate replied, smiling unapologetically as she batted her eyelashes and turned back to Ray. So?
Ray didnt look like he knew whether to blush at the attention or run away in fear. Hed never really been caught in the middle of one of our discussions.
Yet.
Sure, that first day at the coffee shop had given him a small taste, but Kate and I had been close enough for long enough that we werent afraid to tell one another what we thought. About anything, no matter how painful. Now they were both convinced that I should move into Neils house, but Ray seemed to think that easing into things was the most effective way of winning me over.
Not yet, but now that you mention it, he began, a slight hesitation in his voice. I think Kate and I both agree that this is a really good idea for you, but youre the one that needs to be convinced.
I sat silently, feeling his gaze on me as he waited for my response.
I sat silently, feeling his gaze on me as he waited for my response.
How could he possibly understand everything that went along with this decision? How could he ever understand, really? It wasnt a feeling that was communicable to someone who had never been through this before.
From where Ray was sitting, he knew nothing. He still didnt know details. Maybe hed been able to piece a few things together, but I had never told him the story, never told him about the life Id lost.