Part of me was afraid of the pity, afraid that he would start to look at me differently. That was one thing I couldnt handle, I knew. He was one of the few people who didnt treat me like the un-merry widow.
Kates voice broke my reverie. As you know, I have a million reasons for thinking you should take Ray and Neil up on the generous and ingenious offer. I can recite my litany again, if youd like, Kate offered gamely, taking a deep drink from the iced tea that had been delivered to our table.
Not necessary, I said quickly, shooting her a meaningful look. I didnt want Kate to be the one to tell Ray my tale of woe. Not now, not yet. Im still thinking about it. I was hoping to shut the conversation down and move on to other, less heavy topics.
Thankfully, the waitress came, distracting us with her tray of food. I knew I had things to think about, and time for decision-making was running out. Right now, though, I was savoring my few moments of happinessstolen time that made it easy to pretend I was someone else, someone normal whose life had never been touched by death.
Chapter 5
She thinks I should move out of my apartment, I said into the phone. What kind of lunacy is that, Mom?
I was sitting cross-legged in the grass, under a tree in the park across from my office in the business district of Pensacola. It had been a week since Kate had given me her diagnosis of the situation, a full week for me to mull it over and digest.
Unfortunately, I still hadnt been able to mull or digest to the point of decision.
People were walking by slowly, enjoying the beautiful weather, drinking in the scenery as the sunset painted a picture across the sky in a wash of bright pinks and oranges. I heard the falling water of the fountain to my right, muffled conversations of people sitting on nearby benches.
What I didnt hear was any kind of response from my mother.
Mom? I said again, more urgently.
Would you hate me if I told you that I agree? she asked finally. Actually, its something Ive been thinking for a while now, but I never knew quite how to say it.
What? This was not the response I was expecting at all. I was expecting something more along the lines of, Oh, no, honey. Kates absolutely wrong. Theres no reason for you to move.
Wait a minute. You agree with her? I heard the shrillness in my voice.
Mom hesitated again, but when she finally spoke, her voice was firm.
Decisive.
Yes, I do. I think that being in that apartment isnt good for you because it reminds you so much of Paul. Im not saying you need to forget about him, so please dont feel that way. But you need to remember something: you and Paul were never married. You still have a chance to have that kind of happiness with someone else, to start a life with someone. I know how much you and Paul loved each other, but you have to open yourself up to the possibility that there will be someone else. You can find that kind of love, or even better, again. Your book isnt finished yet.
The blades of grass under me melted into a dark green blur as tears pooled in my eyes and dropped onto my jeans, making dark spots as they landed.
How do mothers always know where your weak spots lie? It was a concern I hadnt spoken aloud; but one that was constantly there, just under the surface. Almost like a low-grade headache.
I was only twenty-four, but I felt as though Id had my one chance at true happiness ripped from me. As if I was never going to move beyond this, and I would be alone forever. That no one was going to want me.
The individual drops on my jeans had enlarged into puddles as I sat there crying silently, the sounds of the people around me and the noise of the waterfall competing with all the thoughts racing in my head. So many thoughts that I couldnt control, so many emotions that I couldnt explain. So many fears that I didnt want to voice because I was afraid that expressing them might make them a reality.
Zoë? Honey? Are you still there?
I nodded.
Sweetie? she asked again.
Uh-huh, I managed. It came out more like a squeak than an actual word, but it was acknowledgement enough that she knew I was still on the line.
Are you okay? Her concern translated over the line as clearly as though she was in front of me.
Not really, Mom, I closed my eyes and breathed. Mama, how do you know Im not finished? The tears that before had just been passive became violent, choking ones.
Finished? Zoë, baby. You are far from finished. Youve just started, she replied, her hushed voice telling me that she was crying by now, too.
But how do you know?
I just know, she said firmly. You have so much life ahead of you, my beautiful baby girl. Remember that.
The sure sound of her voice gave me a flutter of hope, even though she was so many miles away.
Are you coming down for a visit anytime soon? I asked hopefully.
Id like to, Zoë, she said. Im trying to convince your father to take a week off from work so that we can come see you, and see Kate before she leaves. The pointed tone in her voice hinted that my father was near enough to hear her end of the conversation.
Shed like that, I replied. And so would I. I miss you.
It was a frequent refrain, and it was true. My mother and I had always had a close relationship, but she and my dad had had to move to Birminghama full state away in Alabamafor his work with the University there. It was a position hed applied for without ever expecting to actually get; but in a happy fluke, the instructor whod originally been granted the job in their Air Force ROTC program had decided he would rather open his own food truck serving gourmet sandwiches made with doughnuts in place of bread.
The man was doing a booming business.
Meanwhile, my father had found his happy place, guiding his students along as they began their bright futures in the military life.
I miss you, too.
Tell Dad I say hi, I sighed.
I will, she said, pausing long enough for me to hear mumbling in the background.
He says hi back, and to remind you that youre his favorite daughter.
I had to laugh at that one.
Thats because Im his only daughter, I giggled.
Its still true.
Well. Tell him Im glad, and that hes my favorite father, I replied.
Will do. Bye, baby, my mom said. I love you.
I love you, too. So much.
My coffee was ready before I reached the counter.
Should I give Neil a call? Ray asked as he handed me my cup.
I love you, too. So much.
My coffee was ready before I reached the counter.
Should I give Neil a call? Ray asked as he handed me my cup.
I nodded, giving him a questioning look.
His normally broad grin was replaced by a look of sympathy and concern.
As if he knew.
Kates been in here every day since movie night, he said in explanation.
Ah. And Im guessing she told you everything, I said, dropping my eyes.
Yes, she did. And Im sorry. There was a knowing in his voice that made me raise my eyes to meet his. It was hard to see, but somewhere behind all that carefree humor was the remnant of a pain that had shaped his life as much as my pain was shaping mine.
We stood there, silently communicating our own individual wounds without ever uttering a word. Its strange how pain can level the field, can bring shared ground to people who might otherwise have nothing in common.
Ray nodded, breaking the spell. Ill give him a call tomorrow, he said.
Thanks, Ray.
No problem, he smiled, snapping the mask back in place. And as repayment for the favor, he said, his eyes shifting from side to side and leaning forward as though he was about to whisper a secret, you can tell Kate she needs to take me up on my offer for dinner.
I smiled back at him.
Here he was, an unexpected answer to a prayer I never thought to pray.
Chapter 6
The apartment seemed small now, suffocating somehow. I stood in the doorway, trying to look at my surroundings with new eyes, with the eyes of someone who was starting over. I saw the past everywhere, and it seemed inescapable. It was in the painting in the front hall that Paul had given me for Valentines Day last year, in the set of knives that hed helped me pick out when Id gotten my apartment. It was on every wall that wed primed and re-painted together, infused into every room.
I couldnt start over and still be here.
I sat on my couch, surrounded by suitcases and bankers boxes full of the things I was going to rely on for the next few months. Everything else would stay here to be packed, piece by piece, and put in storage. Eventually, it would be moved to a new home. A new home where I hoped to feel different.
Better.
I wanted to stop feeling so broken all the time, so I had decided that Neils would be a stopgap. A place to land while I looked for another, more permanent place to call my own.
Was I ready for this? God, I hoped so.
I hefted one of the boxes and walked out into the hall, looking up to find myself face to face with the door of Pauls apartment.
It was a sight that greeted me every time I went out, every time I came back.
It was a sight that drove home how alone I felt.
And it was something that I wanted to get away from. Needed to get away from.
Pauls apartment.
Even though it wasnt. Not anymore.
The new tenants were people I avoided at all costs. I didnt want to know them, didnt want to think about the lives they were living in the apartment where my dead fiancé once lived. I didnt know their first names or even how old they were, just that it was a man and a woman. I didnt even know if they were just living together or marriedeach choosing to keep their respective last names.
And it didnt matter.
All that mattered was that their names now replaced Pauls next to the buzzer for 5B in the lobby downstairs. That their furniture was where his had once been. That their lives were going on behind that door, within those walls, while his had stopped.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Here we go, I thought. This is the beginning.
The beginning of what, I wasnt at all sure. What mattered was that this was a step in the right direction.
Zoë, dear, are you alright?
I opened my eyes to see Mrs. Fenmore, the lady from two doors down, looking at me with eyebrows knitted tightly together in concern. I tried to smile reassuringly at her, but Im not sure it came out looking right.