She would have liked to think self-discipline gave her the strength to pull away, but actually it was the realization that she could easily lose her balance. The two of them toppling over and cracking their skulls on Winnies bathtub was not how she wanted to commemorate the moment.
W-wait. She angled her head away, her voice breathless. Wait.
Right, he said sharply. His arms still around her, he maneuvered them into the hallway and began kissing her again.
Oh, shed missed this. Missed feeling desire, missed feeling desirable. She thrust her tongue into his mouth, bunching his shirt in her hands. It wasnt easy to move, pressed as she was between his hard body and the wall at her back, but she didnt mind. The way their bodies slid together merely fueled her longing. When Davids hand slipped down the curve of her neck to the slope of her breast, she arched into his palm. But as he began to push aside the fabric of her shirt, reality clanged a warning bell in her head.
What the hell am I doing? She wasnt sure, but it felt great. Not the point!
David? MmmDavid, I- She tilted her head back, closing her eyes as he kissed the exposed line of her throat. David!
He straightened, his expression dazed. Under other circumstances, she would have smiled at that. Guess we shouldnt be doing this at Winnies house?
Men truly were from another planet. We shouldnt be doing this at all! While he was still motionless, she took the opportunity to duck under his arm and scamper away. They needed distance.
Rachel, you cant mean it. His normal composure was already falling back into place. You wanted me as much as I want you.
Well, she couldnt argue that. Its true I was caught up in the moment, but temporary insanity aside, it would be a mistake for us to Have wild, passionate sex, the kind that had been the hallmark of their honeymoon? do anything physical. Were separated. Even as she said the word, a pang of loss assailed her.
We were separated. He held his hands palms up, gesturing toward her abdomen. This changes everything.
His presumption would have been annoying if she hadnt been kissing him fervently ten seconds ago. She could see where that was a mixed signal. My being pregnant complicates things, she said gently, but it doesnt necessarily change anything.
In the last year, angry at her infertile body and feeling shed settled into a dead-end job, her self-esteem had taken a bit of a beating, something she was determined to correct. But what would it do to her pride to walk back to a man whod seemed content to let her go just because she was having his child? While she understood the theory of staying together for kids, parenthood brought with it plenty of stress. You didnt try to build houses on cracked foundations.
The hell it doesnt change things. He looked more bewildered than angry. Rach, youre having my baby! I know you were upset because you couldnt get pregnant, but
Upset hardly seemed adequate for what shed endured emotionally and physically.
That wasnt the only problem, she reminded him quietly. AndI hope Im having a baby. We both know that just because you conceive- She couldnt bring herself to finish the horrible thought.
Oh, babe. Stop. Dont even let yourself go there. Cmere. He cradled her head against his chest. Let me be there for you. You shouldnt go through this all alone. You dont want the tribulations of being a single mother.
Not I love you, Rach, I miss you, only You cant do this by yourself, you need me. She straightened. Im glad you were here, David. I really am, but its time you leave.
Youre mad. He studied her with a blend of puzzlement and martyrlike patience. She didnt know which aggravated her more. You left, but Im here trying to help and somehow youre angry with me? Maybe its hormones making you emotional, but-
Its not the hormones, she interrupted before he angered her any further. At least, she amended silently, it wasnt just the hormones. Part of it was repression. When she was upset or angry, he tried to tell her why she was wrong. When she was scared or worried, instead of hearing out her concerns, he told her not to entertain negative thoughts. Over time, shed built up a volcanos worth of emotions that had blown shortly after Thanksgiving. Please go. We have Lilahs shower this afternoon, and I have a lot to sort through before then.
Ill help, he said promptly.
Youre doing it again. She tried to keep the exasperation out of her voice, but wasnt entirely successful. You think youre listening to me, but youre not hearing me. The best help you can give me right now is to leave me alone. Why do you always somehow think you know what I need better than I do?
Thats not fair. He drew back, indignant. When I met you, you were trying to figure out what you needed. You were overworked, overstressed, looking for a life change. I was there for you.
Yes, you were. Which was how shed ended up walking away from the career and home shed been building and straight into Mistletoe, where his life had been mapped out since birth. David, I will always be grateful to you for helping me through a bad time, but the situations changed. Ive changed. Im not looking for someone to rescue me.
He said nothing, but the muscle tic in his jaw suggested that he wasnt mollified by her words.
She took deep breaths. Whatever else was between them, shed loved this man with all her heart-still loved him, on some level. And the possibility of this baby was a miracle. Having his child would bind her to David forever, even if their marriage vows failed to do so. The last thing she wanted was a future of bitter enmity between them.
Its okay, she relented. You had good intentions. And maybe youre right about the hormones exaggerating everything Im feeling right now. I dont want to fight.
Me, either. He ducked his head guiltily. That cant be good for the baby. Dr. McDermott would kick my butt. Youll let me go with you, wont you? To the doctors?
Of course. I want you to have an equal part in this. Thats what shed always wanted-equal partnership-though hed always been affronted when she tried to explain.
All right. Then Ill go so that you can get some rest before the shower. He smoothed her hair. But Im just down the street if you need anything or have any cravings or-
David. She shook her head. Ill be fine. But if I need anything, I know how to find you.
After he left, she leaned against the front door and pressed a finger to her still-tingling lips. Kissing him had been amazing. She couldnt help imagining, just for a second, what it would have been like to allow herself the indulgence of being swept away, of making love to him again. And then what? Shed meant what she said; the infertility issues had no doubt exacerbated their problems, exposing the fault lines of their marriage, but they hadnt been why she left.
It was true that shed never planned to be a single mom, but nor did she plan to slap this pregnancy over their marriage like a Band-Aid. David had barely protested when shed told him the marriage was over. She knew her husband. If hed wanted to fight for her, nothing on earth would have stopped him. Fighting for the baby, while understandable, was not the same thing. Marriage wasnt a cracked Christmas ornament. He couldnt glue it back together, hang it on the tree and pretend everything was okay.
Chapter Six
The couples shower for Tanner and Lilah was being hosted by Sandra Donavan, one of the other teachers at Whiteberry Elementary, and her husband, Pat. Rachel had never been to their house before, but the giant white bell-shaped balloon tied to the mailbox outside made it easy to find. What was a bit more difficult to find was parking-a line of cars had already formed halfway up the street. Rachel climbed out of the car, bracing herself against the freezing rain, and locked her doors, even though she didnt know the last time anything was stolen in Mistletoe.
She carried her purse, umbrella and a plastic-wrapped platter with enough ham-and-cheese-melt mini-sandwiches for fourteen guests. It was a good thing David was bringing the gift from the two of them since she didnt have a free hand.
Hey.
At the sound of Davids voice, she turned on the sidewalk. I was just thinking about you, she blurted. She glanced at the silver-wrapped package in his hands. I mean, about the fact that you were bringing the present.
A lot of people, herself included, relied on cute gift bags. Not David. He hand-wrapped everything with precision corners and perfectly coordinated ribbons.
Out of nowhere, a burble of laughter escaped her. Its a good thing youre so secure in your masculinity.
Less secure by the hour. He fell in step with her, but remained on the street since their open umbrellas didnt allow for their walking abreast on the sidewalk. Just earlier today, I was shot down by a beautiful woman.
Beautiful? Not sure how to respond, she concentrated on getting out of the rain quickly.
Rachel tried not to think about how many women in town would line up to console him once their separation was public knowledge. Ladies had sought her out at council meetings and softball games to tell her just how lucky she was. A few of them had sounded a bit jealous, miffed that one of Mistletoes most eligible bachelors had chosen an outsider, but most had simply been sincere. She thought again of how she would miss the people when she left, what Mistletoe had meant to her when she first visited.
Beautiful? Not sure how to respond, she concentrated on getting out of the rain quickly.
Rachel tried not to think about how many women in town would line up to console him once their separation was public knowledge. Ladies had sought her out at council meetings and softball games to tell her just how lucky she was. A few of them had sounded a bit jealous, miffed that one of Mistletoes most eligible bachelors had chosen an outsider, but most had simply been sincere. She thought again of how she would miss the people when she left, what Mistletoe had meant to her when she first visited.
My sanctuary. Shed come to this quaint town on vacation, after her dad had been released from the hospital. Shed worried that he was working himself to deathand was disturbed by the possibility that she was headed down the same sixty-hour-a-week path in a career shed never consciously sought. Shed always let whatever classes she was getting the highest grades in determine her course, shaping her major and eventually her internship with a marketing firm in Columbia. But thered never been a moment when shed sat down, thought it out, and said, Aha! This is what I want to be when I grow up.