We had been looking for houses on my weekends here, she reminded him, thinking of Lilah and Tanner, building their home, trading opinions on everything from light fixtures to the welcome mat. A surge of envy pierced her. Together.
But we hadnt found any we loved. This met all your qualifications, and I knew it wouldnt stay on the market long at that asking price!
All valid points. However, it made it difficult to connect with her husband when, every time she tried to explain her feelings, he cut her off with logical arguments instead of understanding what she was trying to share.
Rachel, if you didnt like the house, why didnt you say so four years ago?
If shed spoken up the moment he proudly handed her the keys-the way she was trying to speak up now-would it have set a different tone for their marriage? Because I did like the house. You were right, of course. Its perfect for us, so it seemed childish to whine, But I wanted to help pick it out. Only now its four years later, and half the time I feel like a part-time consultant on my own life, with you making unilateral decisions. I wish sometimes that instead of my moving to Mistletoe, where you already had a life established, wed moved to a neutral location where we could build a life together from the ground up. Because-
You love Mistletoe! You always have. He scowled at her, equal parts angry and confused.
Some days more than others. But this wasnt about the town. She was trying to explain her feelings about them. Damn it, David! Could you please just listen? I feelextraneous. I daydreamed about brainstorming nursery themes with you, she blurted, tears rising. Looking through catalogs, discussing baby namesUnless youve already picked out one of those, too?
Dont be ridiculous.
Its not ridiculous to me, David. I She glanced around again, hating how wrong shed been, feeling stupid for all that hope shed been nurturing for the past week. I had this image of the two of us, paint smears on our clothes and faces, standing in the middle of a nursery wed created together.
I didnt think the physical exertion and fumes would be good for you and the baby, he muttered, intractable. Im sorry you dont like the nursery. I can-
No! This isnt about me being some shrew who doesnt appreciate her husbands kind acts. I like surprises. Smaller ones, anyway. This is about your entrenched mantra of I can. David, why isnt it ever we can?
She knew shed ruined the moment he must have been picturing, savoring, while he sweated over furniture assembly and wallpaper paste. She saw the wounded look deep beneath his rapidly cooling gaze and hated herself a little for putting it thereand hated him a little for putting her in this position. This was too important for her to nod politely and pretend she was overjoyed. Shed let lots of incidents pass unremarked-if you could call buying an entire house an incident-because they were sweet and she didnt want to hurt him. But she couldnt go back to their marriage the way it was. She needed-she deserved-a partnership.
You make it sound like I dont think about you. I did this for you, David protested.
If you really thought about me, if you really knew meFor a couple of months, I was unsatisfied at my job, partly because Id fallen into a rut, partly because of the subliminal guilt my parents heap on me that Im not doing anything more important. Ive come to terms with never again having the kind of salary I gave up, never being an executive or having the type of career other people see as important, but I should feel important in my own house. I should feel important to you.
He was furious now, stomping past her as if he couldnt wait to get out of that room. I was trying to show you how important you are to me! I go out of my way to do things like this, to take care of you, toAnd your reactions have varied from sullen acknowledgment to outright criticism. Most women would be thrilled to be married to a guy who thought to send flowers, who surprised them with grand gestures.
Then maybe I am not the woman for you! Her pulse was racing, and she couldnt believe shed just yelled that at him. But this was crucial-the point she was trying to make, this was a deal breaker-and he wasnt hearing her. Again.
David shot her a look of something perilously close to contempt. Maybe youre not. Then he was gone.
At first she was too stunned to move, but when the front door shut, she sank to the floor, her eyes hot and dry. This felt too big for tears, the gaping hole that had just been punched through her. She didnt know why she was so horribly shocked; after all, shed known they were standing on a fault line and that one more good-size tremor might be more than their marriage could take at this point.
She just wished she hadnt been so right about them in November and so wrong about them making the most of their second chance.
Chapter Fifteen
David watched his brother through an invisible wall of cynicism. I dont remember being this discombobulated at my wedding. Was it because he was a more inherently organized person, or was there something wrong with him? Had he just not loved Rachel as much as Tanner loved his bride?
No, that was ridiculous. I loved that woman with everything I had in me. Not that it had been enough for her. Hed told himself for months that the reason he couldnt make her happy was because she so desperately wanted to get pregnant that nothing else could make her happy. Yet here she was, finally pregnant, and still-
David, I think I left my cuff links in the car! Tanner said. Im supposed to meet Lilah and the photographer in just a sec. Would you mind?
Of course not. David easily caught the keys his brother tossed his way. Stop messing with your tie, bro. It looks fine. I straightened it myself. And for pitys sake, take a breath.
Right. Tanner smiled then. Right, thanks.
See, had that been so hard? Hed given perfectly sensible advice, which Tanner had recognized and been grateful for. Tanner had not thrown an incomprehensible fit.
A much nobler part of David, which hed tried to silence at the rehearsal dinner by sipping Scotch and not looking anywhere near his wife, asked, Is it really that incomprehensible that she wanted to have a hand in decorating the nursery? But it hadnt just been that. It hadnt only been that after his planning, after his hard work and soliciting Tanners help, that Rachel had rejected his gift-had practically thrown it back in his face. (How would she have felt if Tanner and Lilah had balked at that scrapbook shed expended so much effort on? Instead, theyd laughed and cried and hugged her. All the responses hed envisioned getting from Rachel.) What had chilled David to the core was how easily shed snapped that maybe she wasnt the right woman for him. It had sounded ominously like a threat. Hed recalled with brutal clarity the shock of when shed left him in November.
Was that how it would be now, the specter of separation hanging over him like a married mans Sword of Damocles? Would he have to worry that whenever things got rocky at home, calling it quits would be her go-to solution? He couldnt put himself through that. And what about after their child was born? Kids deserved a stable environment.
Davids righteous anger lasted from the walk at the back of the church, all the way to the front steps. As he descended toward the parking lot, Zachariahs car stopped at the bottom of the stairs, and Arianne and Rachel got out. Apparently there had been a hold-up at the hairdressers earlier. Lilah herself had arrived later than scheduled, her nerves frazzled when she reached the church.
The hairdresser might have been slow, but shed done an amazing job with Rachel, whose black hair had grown so long in the past year-a result, shed speculated, of the prenatal vitamins. Now, it was up in some kind of pretty twist, tendrils curling down around her face here and there. Her makeup was smoky and soft, or maybe that was just the pregnancy. Hed noticed the way she was softening more and more lately-well, in general, not with him. Her voice had been hard at the wedding rehearsal. Shed greeted him with exacting politeness, her gaze as warm as an ice sculpture.
He extended that same cool civility now, nodding as she passed. Rachel. As he averted his gaze, though, trying not to notice how fantastic she looked, it snagged on the top of her dress and the tantalizing view of full, ripe cleavage. That wasnt appropriate for church! But Arianne and Rachel were already hurrying past him and his wordless stupor, leaving him behind.
If it werent for the fact that he was the best man and took his responsibilities as such very seriously, he would be counting the seconds to the reception and the open bar.
THE GOOD THING about weddings, Rachel thought as she shifted her weight and tried not to look miserable in front of two hundred and eighty guests, was that no one thought anything of it if you cried. Shed wondered, as she first walked down the aisle to her position at the front, whether if she didnt look at David, she could do this. But watching Tanner and Lilah-and the way they watched each other-made everything even worse.
We had that once. They were both good people, flawed but decent, and theyd loved each other very much. How had they let it go so wrong?
Then the vows had started, almost identical to the ones she and David had exchanged. The richer and poorer part had never really been an issue, but theyd failed spectacularly at the better or worse and in sickness and health. The promise that really haunted her, though, was cherish and respect. She recalled mood swings shed had, excuses shed made for not being intimate with him, days when shed been so tempted to roll her eyes at his offering her or someone else advice that shed forgotten entirely that she used to come to him for advice about everything under the sun.
Had she cherished her husband? She winced guiltily.
David, to give him his due, had tried to cherish her. Hed tried a lot more consistently than she had. But in doing so, time and again hed failed to respect her opinions, preferences, her intellect and autonomy. Honestly, how much consideration had he really given to why that nursery set would be the one she would want the most, the one that was perfect for their child? Had he simply been swept away by the idea of once again sweeping her off her feet? My husband, the broom. Of course, as hed so patronizingly pointed out, lots of other women would be grateful that their husbands cared enough to make sweeping gestures.