I could have kissed her.
Once Emma had achieved near-silence in the hall, the teachers were able to start herding everyone toward their classes again, and through the crowd, I saw Nash and Sabine heading away from us. Without a word.
I dont know what I expected. For all I knew, he might never forgive me, and I couldnt really blame him.
Are you okay? Coach Tucker, the girls softball coach, asked as I finally pulled my locker open.
Yeah, Im fine. What else could I say?
Here. She pulled out a notepad and started scribbling on it, then ripped the top sheet off and handed it to me. It was a late pass, with my name on it. Take a few minutes and get yourself together, she said, already scribbling on a second pass for Emma.
Thanks. But all I could think about was that shed remembered my name for the first time in nearly three years.
Im so sorry about what happened to you, Kaylee, Coach Tucker said as she handed Em her pass. I feel like one of us should have known something was wrong with him. We saw him every day. We talked to him. Ate with him. Im so sorry we failed you.
I didnt know what to say. The faculty had sent flowers to my house the day after Id been restored from the dead, but Id assumed the bouquet was an autoresponse from the secretary. Now I wondered if Coach Tucker had arranged the whole thing.
Nobody failed me. Im fine. Really, I said, but she didnt look convinced.
Let me know if theres anything I can do to help you get readjusted, she said, and I nodded, then started removing books from my backpack and sliding them into my locker. I wasnt trying to be rude. I just didnt know what else to say.
Finally Coach Tucker left to scold a couple kissing in the hall, and I exhaled slowly.
You okay? Emma asked, leaning against the locker next to mine.
Been better. People suck.
Em smiled. Yeah. People do suck. Her smile died as I stared into my now-empty backpack, trying to remember what Id been doing. What book I needed.
Second period. Chemistry. Oh, yeah.
So, Thanes back? Em said softly as I dropped my chemistry text into my bag again. How is that even possible?
I dont know.
What does this mean?
I dont know.
She frowned. What are you going to do?
What does this mean?
I dont know.
She frowned. What are you going to do?
I dont know, Em. I dont know anything about it, except that he killed the owner of the doughnut shop around the corner from the school, and youre the only person Ive told. But I couldnt tell her what hed said about Avari coming after my friends and family. That would scare her to death.
You havent told Tod?
Havent had a chance. I closed my locker and threw my backpack over one shoulder. I cant tell Madeline, because shell tell Levi, and that will force him into making trouble for Tod. Like, big trouble. I have to do something, but I have no idea what that is yet. For now
The bell rang, and several underclassmen ran past, on their way to class.
were both late for second period, I finished. And Em hadnt been to her locker yet.
Okay, I know. But one more thing. She laid a hand on my arm and the rare show of nerves in her expression made me stop. Since youve been gone, Nash and Sabine have been avoiding me, so Ive been eating lunch with Jayson.
Jayson Olivera?
Yeah. Weve been kind ofgoing out. For a couple of weeks.
I blinked in surprise. To my knowledge, she hadnt actually dated anyone since Doug died right before Christmas.
Why didnt you tell me?
Because I wasnt sure it would turn into anythingIm still not sureand you had enough on your mind without having to worry about censoring yourself in front of my human boyfriend.
My chest ached at the look in her eyes and at the silence, where all the things she wasnt saying should have gone. I didnt realize you knew Jayson, I said.
Em shrugged. I didnt, really. She clutched her books to her chest and leaned against my closed locker. It was really weird here when you were gone. Nash and Sabine were all closed off and unapproachable. Not that I can blame them, with everyone talking about his arrest. And everyone else just wanted to know what really happened that night at your house. Nash wasnt talking, so they came after me. Jayson was the only one who still actednormal.
And shed needed normal. Id tried so hard not to drag Emma into danger, but the Netherworld was like quicksandthe harder I tried to pull her out of it, the harder it sucked her in.
She would have been better off if shed never met me.
Im so sorry, Emma.
Its okay, Em said. Really. But I like him, and he was totally there for me when I waslonely. I just Is it going to be weird if Jayson sits with us? Im assuming Tod will be there, and you never know when Nash and Sabine will decide they want to talk. He cant be mad at you forever.
Yes, he can. So, are Nash and Sabinetogether? Em hadnt said much about that during my month off, and I wasnt sure how I felt about the possibility. The probability. It was officially none of my business who Nash went out with, and I wanted him to be happy, butjust asking the question felt weird.
So much had changed so fastmy head was still spinning.
Em frowned in thought. I cant tell. You never see one without the other anymore, but theyre not all over each other in public or anything. Maybe that was never their style.
But if thered been a ban on public displays, that was Nashs doing. Sabine would claim him any way she could. Any way hed let her.
I shrugged and tried to shake the thought off. I wouldnt worry about Nash and Sabine showing up to make your human boyfriend uncomfortable, and when Tod gets therewell make it work. So what if Ems boyfriend wouldnt be able to see or hear mine. Any boyfriend of yours You know the rest. I scrounged up a parting smile, then headed for second-period chemistry, where the stares continued for another miserable fifty minutes.
Third period was my free period, so I shoved my backpack into my locker, then headed for the nearest restroom, which was quickly turning into my own personal transit system. But as I passed the front office, the glass door opened and the schools attendance secretary stuck her head out. Kaylee Cavanaugh? she said, both her eyebrows and her voice high in question.
I hesitated, almost certain she wouldnt have been able to pick me out of a crowd a month earlier.
I was just on my way to find you. Youre late for your appointment with your guidance counselor.
Well, crap. Thered been a message on my home phone the week before, mentioning an appointment during my free period when I returned to school, but Id deleted the message and made a mental note to have my dad talk the school out of mandatory trauma counseling.
Obviously I should have left myself an actual note
Reluctantly, I followed the secretary through the main office and into another suite, where several other students sat waiting for the N-Z counselor, whose door was closed. Id never met my counselorthe A-M counselorbut the moment I entered the waiting room, she stepped out of her office and directed me inside with one outstretched arm while she gave the secretary a thank-you nod.
Hi Kaylee. Im Ms. Hirsch. Come in and have a seat, please.
I sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk while she closed the door behind me, then circled the desk to sit in her own chair. My file folder was open on her desk, and when she turned off the computer monitorthough I couldnt see it from my seatI realized that shed been reading the local paper online. Or maybe shed just Googled me in preparation for our appointment. Were school counselors allowed to Google?
Would you like a bottle of water? Ms. Hirsch set a small plastic bottle at the front of her desk, next to a bowl full of Jolly Ranchers.
No, thanks. I set my backpack on the floor between my feet, then realized that left me nothing to do with my hands.
So, Kaylee, hows your first day back going?
Fine. As long as fine could be defined as the half-way point between horrible and unbearable.
What about your classes? Are you having any trouble getting caught up? Did the school set you up with a tutor while you were out?
Theyd tried. But my father had insisted that he could help me with anything I didnt understand. The tutor finally accepted that as the truthafter my father hit him with a heavy dose of verbal Influence, his natural gift as a male bean sidhe.
Im not that far behind, I said with a shrug.
Well, if you decide you do want a tutor or need help scheduling any makeup exams, just let me know.
Im fine. Really, I insisted, but Ms. Hirsch only frowned like she didnt believe me. And why should she? What sixteen year old is fine four weeks after being stabbed by her math teacher?
Certainly not this one But that had less to do with what Mr. Beck had done to me than the thought of facing another mob like the one in the hall that morning. Beck was dead and gone, but the vultures were still alive and circling.
Im sure it must be very difficult being back here for you, Ms. Hirsch said, and I realized shed heard about the incident in the hall. I suspect youre dealing with a lot of unwanted attention today.
Yeah.
How do you feel youre coping with that?
I was trying to cope by fleeing school grounds during my free perioduntil Id been dragged into the counselors office. All I can really do is ignore them, right?
She nodded slowly. People, especially teenagers, are curious by nature, they dont always think about how their curiosity affects others. Peers may ask you directly or indirectly about what happened to you. But you have every right to tell them you dont want to talk about it with them. You should never feel guilty about that.
I didnt feel guilty. I didnt feelmuch of anything, except for the needa truly escalating driveto get as far away from school and my peers as possible.
I should have been a wreck. People were obviously waiting for me to fall apart at the seams and spill my emotional guts all over the floor, and some small part of me wished I could. I wished things were still simple enough that a good cry could purge all the bad stuff and give me a fresh start. But Id never felt less like crying, and I was all out of fresh starts. My mother had given me the only one I was allowed when I was three.