Im fine. Really, I said, and her frown deepened.
Kaylee, its perfectly normal to be upset for a very long time after something like what youve been through. It could be months before you start to feel anything like normal and that is perfectly okay.
Normal? Seriously?
So, what, theres a timeline for how long it should take me to get over being stabbed by my math teacher? Someone really wrote that? How convenient! Does it happen to mention how long I should be upset about the fact that I had to kill him? Because honestly, with no guidelines in place, I might be tempted to linger in mourning for, like, a solid week. Is that too long?
Ms. Hirsch blinked. Then she pulled open a drawer and took a pamphlet from inside and slid it across the desk to me. This is the contact information for a group of survivors of violent crimes. I think it would be worth your time to
No, thank you. I pushed the pamphlet back toward her. She was only trying to help. I knew that. But I also knew that through no fault of her own, she was in way over her head. And honestly, shed probably been there all year, considering how many students and teachers Eastlake had lost under unexplained circumstances since the school year started. I really have to go, I said, picking up my backpack.
Ms. Hirsch exhaled slowly, then met my gaze again. Kaylee, this office is a safe space. She spread her arms to take in all four walls, then folded them on top of her desk, rumpling the pamphlet. You can say anything you need to say in here, and what you tell me is completely confidential. Im sure you have family and friends you can talk to, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone completely uninvolved. I want you to know that I can be that person for you. If things get too overwhelming at any point during the school day, I want you to come down here. We can talk. Or you can just sit in here and take a break. She placed her hands palms down on the desktop and her gaze intensified. Safe space. Please remember that.
Thanks. Thats good to know. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and practically ran out the door and through both sets of offices. In the bathroom, I had to take refuge in a stall, waiting for the small mid-third-period crowd to go back to class so I could blink out of the school without anyone seeing me disappear. While I waited, two sophomores whose names I couldnt remember chatted in front of the mirrors, like they had nowhere better to be. As soon as they started talking, I realized they hadnt seen me come in. If there was ever a time to use my new instantaneous method of transportation, this was it. But their conversation froze me in place.
I shouldnt have listened. But I couldnt help it.
The cops think he tried toyou know. And she fought back.
How do you know that?
My mom works in dispatch.
Well, I dont believe it. Mr. Beck could have had anyone he wanted, so why go after Kaylee Cavanaugh? And even if he did, its not like she would have said no. Shes a closet slut. She was with Scott Carter the day he was arrested, remember? Cheating on her boyfriend with his best friendher own sisters boyfriend.
I think Sophies her cousin.
Whatever. She cheats on Nash with Scott, and he ends up in the psych ward. Then she kisses some guy in the middle of the school, and the next day they find Mr. Beck dead on her bed, and Nash gets arrested. Shes like King Midas, only everything she touches turns to shit instead of gold.
Anger flared inside me and I threw the stall door openthen realized thats as far as my plan went. You have no idea what youre talking about, I snapped, glaring at both of them in the mirror. Is there some broken filter or busted pressure gauge in there that lets every half-formed thought leak out of your mouths? I demanded, tossing a careless gesture at their heads. Because if these are the gems you actually intended to share with the world, you should know they dont paint a very flattering picture of your intellect.
I stomped out of the bathroom with them staring after me and ran smack into a tall, dark-haired guy Id never seen before.
Whoa, are you okay? he asked, one hand on my arm to steady me. I nodded, and he frowned down at me, like he suddenly recognized me. Hey, are you Kaylee Cavanaugh?
I exhaled, trying to purge my anger, but with it came words I hadnt intended to say. Yeah. I am. And, yes, Im glad to be alive. No, Im not a slut. And, no, you cant see my scar. Does that about cover it?
He stared at me in surprise and I took off down the hall at a run because I could feel myself fading from physical existence and I couldnt let himor anyone elsesee that happen. My footsteps faded as I rounded the corner, and a girl at the other end of the hall looked up like shed heard something, but her gaze floated over me like I wasnt even there. And from her perspective, I wasnt.
Dead people have to want to be seen in order to exist on the physical plane, and Id never wanted to exist less.
3
HEY, WHAT ARE you doing here? Tod said, taking my hand as I sank into the waiting-room chair next to him. Rough day at school?
Mandatory counseling. And I got mobbed in the hall between first and second period.
He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. Youd think theyve never seen a murder victim returned from the dead to reclaim the souls of the fallen and grant them eternal rest.
Well, when you say it like that
Just give them some time, Kaylee. Eventually youll be old news again, and life will go back to normal. Tod shrugged. Except you wont actually be living it.
Not helping. There was a time when Id thought it would be nice to be noticed. To stand out, like Emma or Sophie. Now I stood out, but for all the wrong reasons. Anonymity was a luxury Id never expected to miss.
I ran my thumb over the back of Tods hand. Just touching him made me feel morereal. More there. More alive. I pulled him closer for a kiss and my heart beat faster when his lips touched mine. My pulse raced, and I suddenly remembered what it had felt like the first time wed kissed, not in my head, like a mere memory, but in my entire body. Like I was reliving it. Like I could go back to that moment, the most alive Id ever felt before or since, and live in it for eternity.
For a second, I almost forgot I was dead. And that he was dead. And that we were surrounded by sick people in the waiting room of the local hospital.
Then someone coughed and a baby started crying. Reality roared back into focus, and it was such a disappointment that my chest ached from the loss of something I hadnt really had in the first place.
Why did I feel so disconnected from everything around me? How could I look the same, but feel so different? Empty, like a shell. A Kaylee-shell, still me on the outside, but hollow on the inside. Id thought that going back to schoolseeing friends and classmates, and even teacherswould help me fill the void. Id thought that if I could stuff the shell of my former self with the pieces of my former life, everything could go back to the way it was.
Id thought my death could be just a blip on the radar of my life, over and done with in short order. I should have known better, just from being with Tod. His death wasnt a blip. It was the defining moment of his existence. His deathhow, why, and when hed diedhad shaped him. Defined him.
What did my death say about me? That I was a victim? That I wasnt strong enough to protect Nash like Id protected Emma and Sophie?
Hey. Tod squeezed my hand to draw me out of my thoughts. I think death looks good on you. He took my other hand and his fingers wound around mine, my arm stretched over the chair rail between us. I look forward to the day when I wont have to share you with roving bands of high-school gossip mobs.
That day could be today, I admitted. I dont want to go back. But I didnt have any choice. Id begged and bargained for the chance to pretend I was still alive, and now that Id gotten that chance, I had to uphold my end of the deal. I had to keep up with appearances.
Itll get better, Tod said, and his next blink was too long. So, did you see Nash?
Only in passing. I doubt hell be offering an olive branch anytime soon.
You could make the first move, Tod suggested, running his thumb over the back of mine.
Yeah, if I could get him to speak to me. How is he? During both rounds of recovery from addiction to frostDemons Breath, to those in the knowTod had checked in on his brother regularly, though Nash never saw him.
I cant get very close to him anymore. That damn dog barks every time I show up, and Nash starts yelling for me to get out.
Nashs dog, Baskerville, was Styxs littermate.
Nash isnt going to forgive me, Tod said. Not yet, anyway. But he might forgive you. He still loves you, Kaylee.
Something in his voice made my heart hurt, and I hated that I liked that. Feeling anything was so rare lately that even pain had become interesting.
Youre not worried about me and Nash, are you? I asked, ducking to catch his gaze. Because
No. He put one finger over my mouth, then replaced it with his lips, and that kiss went deeper and longer than would have been appropriate in a hospital, if anyone could have seen us. And when he finally pulled away, his gaze met mine, and everything that kiss had said was still echoing in his eyes, in fierce cobalt swirls of emotion so bold and confident it couldnt possibly be shaken. Im not worried about you and Nash. Im worried about just Nash.
Me, too.
Did something happen?
Something happened, but not because of Nash. I had my first reclamation this morning, I said, wishing we werent separated by the arm of the chair between us. Rogue reaper. Sort of a trial run, before they send me on the job they brought me back for.
So, did you kick ass?
I grinned, indulging in a moment of pride over the fact that Id actually gotten the job done. First time. There was both the kicking of ass and the taking of names. One name, actually.
Tods pale brows rose. I take it this is a name I might know?
My moment of pride ended in a cold wash of fear and confusion. Thane.
His brow furrowed. Thane, the lovable, brand-new reaper Ive never met, who means none of us any harm? Please say you mean that Thane .