So hed had plenty of time to think about it. To remember.
To remember making love in the warm pine needles and then swimming naked in the icy-cold river, whooping and shrieking like kids. Lying on the rocks in the sun afterward to warm up, and forgetting to put sunscreen on the exposed places. Singing Bruce Springsteen songs and Alex teasing him about being old enough to remember when Born to Run first came out
To remember the day the memories always returned to, sooner or later. Their last day, as it turned out.
It was a good day. We were so excited, driving up to the meadow. Talking about how great it was going to be, adding rock climbing to Penny Tourss schedule, and how the meadow would make a great base camp. We spent the night there in the shadow of the Devils Fortress, made love under the stars. I can still remember the way her skin smelledthe way her mouth tasted. We were good together, when we werent arguing.
It had been so good that day. Which was probably why hed gotten to thinking about making it official.
Thinking about it, he could probably have gotten away with. Talking about it-that was his big mistake.
He could see Alex coming back down the hill in a hurry, slipping and sliding around the boulders and bull pines. She joined him, only a little out of breath, with her long dark braid over one shoulder and wisps of damp curls sticking to her flushed face. Her skin was all warm colorsautumn colors: golden tan, cinnamon brown and the deep blush pink of old roses.
And it hit him then, with the sharp sense of loss hed thought he was long past: he was never going to make love with her in that secluded spot among the boulders again. Never go there, with her or anyone else, or even see itever again. Hed have to be able to walk to do that.
Okay, the choppers on its way. Alex tipped her head toward Tahoe, who was leaning back against the side of the boat with his injured arm cradled across his waist, and lowered her voice. Hows he doing?
Hanginin, Tahoe replied, without opening his eyes.
Hey, Alex. Matt felt restless, antsy all of a sudden. He nodded toward his chair. Think you can help me with that?
She looked startled, opened her mouth, then closed it again and shrugged. Sure. Carefully not looking at him. What do I do? JustYou want it-
Just lift it out of the boat. Unfold it. Set it down as close to the boat as you can.
His insides cringed, and if hed been able, hed have done what his bodys defense system yearned to do-get the hell away. But hed learned a long time ago he couldnt run away from what was. It is what it is, Alex.
He clamped his teeth together and focused on what had to be done.
Alex picked up the chair and lifted it out of the boat. It was surprisingly light. She unfolded and placed it carefully on the hard-packed decomposed granite, mentally steeling herself for whatever came next.
It is what it is, Alex. Hes obviously okay with this, why cant you be?
Because it hurts, dammit.
And if you let him see how much it hurts, youll never forgive yourself.
Okay, she said, straightening up and planting her hands on her hips, all business now. As if this were any other client. As if.
Looking at him was like looking straight into the sun. She wanted to close her eyes. Look away. What now?
He smiled at her, crookedly, as if he knew. Just steady it. And stand by in case I need you.
Oh God, please dont make me watch this.
But she did watch. Watched him push his body up with the sheer strength of his arms and shoulders until he was sitting on the tube. Watched him swivel and reach for the chair, brace and maneuver himself into it. And somehow, it wasnt awful at all. It wasamazing.
Shed expected to feel pity. Instead, she felt awe. Shed expected-no, feared-shed feel revulsion, but instead she felt stirrings deep insidean awakening of emotions she hadnt allowed herself to feel in a very long time.
She was used to being around athletic, physically fit people, but even so, Matts arms and shoulders, chest, back and torso wereamazing. Rock-solid, sculpted muscle. His body wasbeautiful.
What? The belligerence was reflexive, because she realized shed been staring, and Matt was sitting there watching her with that crooked grin on his face. And a gleam in his eyes that made her insides quiver.
Whats the matter, Alex? Didnt you ever see a paralyzed man get into a wheelchair before?
She shrugged and turned as he did, falling in beside him as naturally as if hed been walking. Not from a boat, anyway.
He gave a snort. It is-
If you say It is what it is again, Im gonna smack you.
He laughed.
They moved slowly, away from the boat, as far as the terrain would allow. When they reached the place where piled boulders blocked the wheelchairs path, Alex leaned her backside against the sun-warmed rock and scanned the rugged hillside. So, where are the others?
Went looking for privacy.
What about you? She didnt look at him. You dont need-
Nah, Im fine. Alex tilted her head, cut her eyes at him. He grinned, then shrugged. Im okay for now.
She laughed, and it felt good. Almost as good as she remembered it being with Matt. When they werent arguing. She drew a deep breath, knowing they were about to do it again.
Im canceling the run, she said, at the same exact moment he said, Youre not canceling the run.
She let out the breath, and again they spoke together.
Matt-
Alex-
Alex raked her hand over the top of her head and muttered, God, youre just the same. Stubborn
Hell, yeah, Im stubborn. There was an angry edge to his voice. I didnt get to this point with this thing- he pounded the gloved heels of his hands on the wheels of his chair -by quitting when things got tough.
And yet, you did. You quit on me, dammit.
But she didnt say that out loud, and silence fell like a wall between them.
Ah, hell. Matt closed his eyes and counted. Why does it always have to be like this between us, Alex? As close as we were-once-were we ever honest with each other?
He took a deep breath and said softly, Alex, be honest-do you really want to quit? Dont you want to keep going, too?
She gave a short laugh. Looked at the ground, then at him. And did he imagine it, or had her eyes kindled for just a moment, the way they did sometimes, like live coals when a soft breath touches them?
She looked away again, nodding. You did good out there, she said stiffly, not looking at him. Really good. You saved him-you know that, dont you?
We did. We were good together, werent we? Like old times. He waited for her to say it: Ive missed you. I need you here. I want you to come back.
But she didnt say it. Instead, Alex shaded her eyes and looked skyward, and they both listened to the staccato beat of the fire department chopper, making its way steadily toward them up the river canyon.
I thought sure she was going to cancel the rest of the run, Sam said. Didnt you?
Cory didnt reply.
They were standing on a huge boulder overlooking the river, arms around each others waists, watching the helicopter bank sharply and begin its long gradual climb out of the canyon. Down below them they could see Alex and Matt at the rivers edge, getting the boat ready to put in.
Wonder why she didnt? She craned to look up at her husband. Think maybe thats a good sign?
She felt him exhale. Looking out across the river, he said, Lord, I sure do hope so.
Youre worried, arent you? Why-because of the accident? Seemed like Matt handled that real well.
Youre forgetting the reason you were in that kayak to begin with. I dont know, Sam. Seems like too many things going wrong.
Because she didnt want to think too much about how it had felt, being at the mercy of the river, she poked him teasingly in the ribs. Are you being paranoid, Pearse? Or just superstitious?
He didnt tease her back. The gravity of his voice sent a chill down her spine. Not paranoid or superstitious, but maybe a wee bitsuspicious.
She pulled away from him a little. Pearse? What are you thinking?
He glanced down at her, then quickly away. I dont know. I mean, youd tell me if-
The doubt in his voice jolted her. Jeez, Pearse, you cant think-no!
Tell me the truth, Sam. His body felt rigid next to hers. This isnt the Philippines all over again, is it?
Listen to me, she said, and her voice was low and even. That was before you were my husband. Id tell you if I had anything goin on. Especially if there was any chance it might put your brother in danger. I dont know how you could think I wouldnt.
He exhaled, and she felt him relax as he kissed the top of her head. I dont. Not really.
Her own heartbeat slowed to its normal rhythms and the prickles faded from her skin. But she wasnt quite ready to let him off the hook. Why would you mention it, then?
Because it sure does seem like somebody doesnt want us to make this run, Cory said quietly. And I cant for the life of me think why-or who.
There were no more incidents, no more mishaps that day.
Because of the wait for the chopper, it was later than normal when they put in for the night, so everybody volunteered to help Alex with the food prep. Shed warned them it would have to be a wilderness camp, since a lot of their gear had had to be left behind with the malfunctioning oar boat. Theyd have to make do without the folding table and chairs and tents. Nobody seemed to mind.
Cory and Sam unloaded supplies from the boat while Alex got the fire going and set up the camp stove and oven. She had baked brie, toasted sourdough bread and fresh raspberries ready by the time the unloading was done. Meanwhile, Matt made margaritas for everybody. Alex thought it was probably a toss-up, which was appreciated more.
It may have been partly the fault of the margaritas, but Alex realized she was actually enjoying herself. It was weird, but it felt almost like being part of a warm family gathering-at least, the way shed always imagined that experience would be. Cory and Sam were telling stories about each other, affectionate or hilarious, embarrassing, maybe, but never mean, cracking each other up and making it impossible for anyone listening not to laugh along with them. Matt and Alex listened and laughed, and it felt so good to her, watching Matt laugh. Seeing that smile she remembered. So good.