Meanwhile, potatoes roasted in the coals and an apple pie baked in the Dutch oven, and Matt tended the grill, waiting for the right moment to put on the thick, lean beef tenderloin steaks. Fresh green salad stayed cold and crisp in the cooler, along with plenty of tequila and margarita mix and whipped cream for the pie. A few yards away, the river chuckled peacefully to itself on its way down the canyon, and an owl hooted in the gathering dusk.
Im happy, Alex thought in surprise. Here, tonight, with these three people, Iamhappy.
And it came to her, because she knew at this moment how it felt to be happy, that she had not been for a very long time.
After dinner, Alex adamantly refused Cory and Sams offer to help with the cleanup.
Okay if we go for a walk? Cory then asked with studied innocence.
Sure, said Alex, wondering why they felt they had to ask.
He and his wife exchanged a secret look and went off, holding hands. Alex called after them, Watch out for rattlesnakes. And dont get lost Their laughter drifted back on the twilight breeze, and Alex felt a sharp pang of envy.
Then it hit her. That secret look. Could it be, that the reason for this whole crazy runCould it be?
No.
But she hadnt imagined it.
Her chest prickled. Her heartbeat quickened and heat flooded into her cheeks. She glanced sideways at Matt, wondering if hed caught the look. Wondering if he had any idea what his brother and sister-in-law were up to.
What? he said, and she looked away quickly.
Nothing She hitched in a breath. Theyre sure being good sports.
Whatd you expect? Matts smile was crooked. None of this was your fault.
Yeah, but not everybody would have been so understanding. She paused. They even seem to be enjoying themselves.
He bent down to open the coolerdropped in a foil-wrapped package of leftovers and closed it again. He gave a short laugh as he straightened. I imagine theyve been in worse situations. A helluva lot worse. I mean, steak, margaritas and apple pie? Jeez, Alex.
He bent down to open the coolerdropped in a foil-wrapped package of leftovers and closed it again. He gave a short laugh as he straightened. I imagine theyve been in worse situations. A helluva lot worse. I mean, steak, margaritas and apple pie? Jeez, Alex.
She felt the warmth leave her and a chilly disappointment take its place. She looked away and said distantly, I just meantSam getting dunkedTahoe almost-
I know what you meant. Sorry. Matts voice was gentle. Then, in a different, almost conversational tone, My brothers seen some stuff. Did you know he spent several months in an Iraqi prison?
No! Her braid snaked over one shoulder as she jerked her eyes back to him. Really? Good Lord.
Yeah. And Sams kind of closemouthed about what it is she does, exactly, but I wouldnt be surprised if shes been in a hairy situation or two herself. You know shes a pilot, right?
Alex shook her head. She was remembering Corys words, that day in the office, when hed come to ask about Matt. I almost lost her, trying to keep my secrets.
Cory told me there were stories there-about her, the way they got together. But she hadnt asked. She hadnt been able to think about anything except the fact that Matt was back in her life. After five years
Probably more than one, Matt said dryly, and Alex smiled, remembering his brother had said almost the same thing. What? he demanded, seeing her smile.
Again, she shook her head and said, Nothing. Because there was so much she wanted to say and knew she never would.
She finished packing away the remains of dinner, silently handing things to Matt to put in the cooler. Securing the camp, setting up for breakfast. Doing things shed done hundreds of times before. Things theyd done together, she and Matt, so many times before.
The ache inside her came from nowhere and quickly became intolerable.
Just before it turned, in self-defense, to anger, she heard the crunch of wheels on the hard-packed earth and felt the nearness of Matts body in the growing darkness.
Alex. His voice came barely above the whisper of the breeze in the pines. Whats wrong?
Whats wrong? She said it more loudly than she meant to, turning to lean her backside against solid rock and fold her arms across her middle. Jeez, Matt, I wouldnt know where to start. You, this crazy run, Tahoe almost getting-
Yeah, look, why dont you forget about the stuff I already know, and just tell me what it is youre not telling me?
Whats that supposed to mean?
Youre worried, and its not just about me, or making a Class V run youve made dozens of times before. He listened to her silence. Finally, sheer frustration made him add, Come on. You used to tell me everything, Alex.
Yeah, she shot back, breathless and angry, used to. She shifted restlessly, and in silhouette he saw her look up at the deepening sky, at the stars just winking on up there.
Back there at the put-in, he gently prompted, careful not to push too hard, you were upset, and it wasnt- he held up a hand to forestall her retort -just because the boat failed. Booker T and Tahoe werent happy, either. What happened, Alex?
She hissed out a breath, unable to stop herself. Somebody- Her voice caught, and she cleared her throat and went on, tense and edgy. Somebody filed the valve fitting.
What?
Just enough so it had a slow leak. Couldnt have happened before we packed up the bus yesterday, because wed have noticed it during the safety check. So it had to have been later. Last night sometime.
Wait. He held up a hand now because he couldnt seem to get a grip on the words he was hearing. Youre telling me you think somebody deliberately
Sabotaged the boat. Yeah, thats what Im telling you.
Come on, Alex. Whod do such a thing? Why?
You think I havent asked myself that at least a hundred times? She lifted her arms and let them drop. God. Its just not possible.
Okay, you know what they say. If you eliminate the impossible, the alternative, no matter how improbableSo, whats the alternative? You missed the damage when you checked it-you all did.
She didnt reply. He couldnt see her face, but he could hear misery and self-blame in her silence.
Dont beat yourself up, he said softly. It happens.
Yeah. And she muttered something under her breath as she turned her head away.
He could feel her tension, almost hear it, like a humming in the air. Knowing she was an instant away from walking off and leaving him there, he reached out and caught her hand. Talk to me, dammit.
Her silence was impenetrable, her wrist like steel in his grasp. But the feel of itthe warmth, the wiry strength of itthe softness of her skin, touching his for the first time in so damn long. He gentled his grip, stroked his thumb over the tendons at the base of her palm, and wondered what would happen if he were to bring her hand to his mouth and put his lips there instead. Juices pooled at the back of his throat, and he felt like a starving man, starving for the taste of herthe smell of her.
Matt
She was pulling against his grip, and reluctantly he let her go. But not before he felt her tremble. She took one step away from him, jerked back, lifted one hand toward him, then wrapped it with the other across her body. When she spoke it sounded as if the words were choking her. Thats what happened, isnt it? That day. I didnt check it. And I should have. I didnt-
Didnt-what? He shook his head, trying to understand. She was talking nonsense. Check what? What day?
She took a step back toward him, then retreated, so upset he could see her shaking. The day you fell. Your gear. I should have double-checked it. If I had-
What? Sudden anger sent his voice off the scale. What in the holy hell are you talking about? You think you were supposed to check my gear? What are you, my mother? Now I need you to check up on me?
It sure looks like you did! She spat the words at him like an angry cat.
Matt shook his head, gave an incredulous bark of laughter. Do you even know how insulting that is? You think you should have double-checked my gearwhy? Because you think I was careless? Why-oh, wait, because we were arguing? Because I suggested maybe we should get married? Because I asked you if you loved me? He paused, not really expecting an answer. In the silence he could hear her breathing. In a voice heavy with irony, he went on. Maybe it was a question I shouldnt have had to ask after five years, and sure, I know it was lousy timing. But do you really think Id be so upset over it, Id forget to check out my gear? Again, he tested her stubbornness. Finally, softly, he said, Ive been over it a thousand times in my mind, Alex. I swear to you, the gear was okay. I checked it thoroughly.
She answered him, a whisper of misery. Then why did it fail?
She waited, but he had no answer for that. He hadnt had one for five long years.
Chapter 6
Alex slept badly that night. She woke up several times, once in time to watch the almost full moon rise above the rim of the canyon and flood the river gorge with silvery light, and the stars go into hiding. She watched the river carry the moons broken reflection along on its rippling current without ever taking it away. She saw the pines in black silhouette, and the smooth granite boulders huddled along the riverbanks like herds of great slumbering beasts.
Chapter 6
Alex slept badly that night. She woke up several times, once in time to watch the almost full moon rise above the rim of the canyon and flood the river gorge with silvery light, and the stars go into hiding. She watched the river carry the moons broken reflection along on its rippling current without ever taking it away. She saw the pines in black silhouette, and the smooth granite boulders huddled along the riverbanks like herds of great slumbering beasts.
Except for the chuckle of the river and the whisper of the breeze in the pines, the world was silent.
Across the camp she could see Cory and Sam, their sleeping bags close together, touching. And Matts, on the other side, some distance from her own.
I cant hear him breathe. He always used to snore. I wonder if hes awake, too.
She fought the urge to call to him, whisper to him in the darkness. If she did, would he answer? What would she do if he did? Would she go to him? And if she didthen what?