Wow. It was the only thing Alex could think of to say. What did you say to someone with a story like that? Filled with a vast, inexplicable sadness, she became very busy arranging plastic bags full of food in the cooler.
So, Sam said casually as she passed the bags to her, your mom never remarried? After your dad left?
Never married. Period. Nope, I think shed about had her fill of getting her heart broken. She raised me all by herself, which couldnt have been easy. I wasnt exactly an easy kid. Butmy mom was a tough cookie.
Was? Soshes gone now?
Alex nodded, staring down at her hands, guarding that private pain carefully. She died-cancer. The same year I met Matt.
The silence that fell was only in the small space between them. Beyond it, the river sang its usual song, scrub jays screeched in the manzanita and a hawk whistled high in a cloudless sky. And from somewhere out of sight came the rich harmonies of two brothers laughter.
Listening to it, Sam said softly and with a catch in her voice, Its meant so much to him-finding Matt. Both of his brothers. I cant even-
Yeah, said Alex, and cleared her throat. I can imagine. Too bad he didnt find him before- She stopped, appalled, but Sam finished it for her and didnt seem to find it terrible.
Before his accident, you mean. Yeah. You know, I think Pearse believes if hed been around it wouldnt have happened.
Alex smiled crookedly. Hes not the only one whos played the what if game. She shrugged. It happened. Cant be undone. It is what it is, Alex.
There was a pause. Then Sam said, You and Matt were close, though, right? Before he got hurt?
Close? The question surprised her, not the asking of it, but because she realized she didnt know the answer. Close. Were we close, Mattie? We were together a lotworked togetherplayed togetherslept togethertalkedquarreledlaughedmade love. But were we close? I dont even know what that means. She gave a one-shoulder shrug. Yeah, I guess. If you mean, were we sleeping together. Then, as realization collided with guilt, she threw Sam a look and added defensively, Look, its not like I abandoned him, okay? I visited him as often as I could while he was in rehab. Hes the one who abandoned me.
Sam said quickly, I didnt mean it like that, but Alex held up a hand as if to stop a flood of accusing words.
She said in a choking voice, You dont know what it was like, okay? I was there. I saw him fall. I thought hed died, I really did. She paced a few steps, then back, arms wrapped around the pain inside her, pain shed thought shed put behind her. Hoped I had.
But he didnt.
No. No-but in a way, he did. Orsomething did.
Your feelings for him?
No. No. She stared at the other woman as shock lanced through her, then sank back onto a boulder and brushed a furious hand across her nose. No, butthe life Id always thought wed have together, she said thickly. I never thought that would end.
Sam leaned against the rock beside her and looked at her along one shoulder. Did it have to?
Because her eyes were filling with tears, Alex did the only thing she could: looked away, looked at the sky, the mountains, the river. I dont know. Her voice ripped raggedly through her throat. I know I was so mad at him I could have killed him myself. She gave a sharp, bitter laugh. Does that make sense? I mean, its not like he wanted to get hurt, right? So then, I was mad at myself for thinking that. Oh hell, I was justso angry. I wanted to scream at someone. Hit somebody. She shook her head and her voice betrayed her by becoming an airless squeak. I missed him so much I thought Id die. And when he told me he wasnt coming back, that hed decided to stay down there in L.A. and it would be better if we- She clamped a hand over her mouth and drew a shuddering breath.
Bluntly, without the gentleness and sympathy Alex was sure would have been her undoing, Sam said, Did you tell him how you felt?
Alex shook her head, not yet willing to risk actual speech.
Why not?
Alex shot her a hot, angry look. I dont know-pride, maybe?
How about fear?
Fear! Alex opened her mouth to deny it, then hesitated. I dont know. I know I really hate needing anyone. It makes me feel
Vulnerable? Sam was smiling.
Weak, Alex countered firmly.
How abouthuman?
Alex gave a bark of laughter-pure self-defense. After a moment she cut her eyes at the other woman over one shoulder. Okay, dont think I dont know what you guys are up to.
Unrepentant, Sam grinned. Is it working?
For a moment longer Alex tried to keep up the banter, smile back. Keep it light. But her emotions were too close to the surface. Before she could stop it a wave of frightening longing swept over her. Horrified, she felt her face crumple, its expressions no longer hers to control. Appalled at her own vulnerability, she looked down at her shoes and whispered, Do you really think it could?
Why not? If the feelings are still there
Yeah, well, I guess thats the big question, isnt it?
Is it? Sam seemed surprised. For you, or for him?
Alex couldnt answer. Safety doors came clanging down inside her head, shutting out the question, cutting off the voice she could still hear echoing faintly in her memory. Do you love me, Alex?
But Sam was waiting, and so after a moment she shrugged and said testily, How would I know how he feels?
Unperturbed, Sam said in pushy Southern, Well, sweetie pie, dont you think you should find out?
Yeah, how? Alex demanded, pushing back. Seduce him?
Well, why not?
Alex glared at her for a long moment while the self-sufficient loner inside her arm-wrestled with the pathetic weakling that secretly longed to confide in this woman. Giving up the battle, she drew a shaky breath. Yeah, and what happens then? I mean, how do I know She halted and glared at the distant trees.
Ah, said Sam, nodding. You mean
Yeah. I mean, how embarrassing would it be if She stopped again. Coughed. Made some sort of vague gesture. Then laughed and put a hand up to cover her eyes. I looked it up-would you believe it? On the Internet. At first. She jerked her hand away and threw Sam a defiant look. Well, hell, neither one of us seemed to be able to bring up the subject during rehab, and I was curious. Wouldnt you be?
Oh, yeah, said Sam. And?
Alex hitched a shoulder and watched the toe of her shoe dig at the hard-packed dirt. It seems to pretty much depend on the person-the location of the injury, stuff like that, she said with studied diffidence. Basically, its mostly doable, with patience and-and I quote-an understanding partner.
So?
Thats just it, Alex said carefully, hoping the anguish she felt inside wouldnt come through in her voice. Confiding was one thing; stripping naked was another. I dont know if Im the understanding type.
And Sam said-gently, this time, Oh, hon. If you care enough, you will be.
I just wanted to hug her, Sam told her husband. I wanted to, so bad.
Im surprised you didnt.
Yeah, well, in case you havent noticed, Alex Penny isnt exactly the hugging type.
It was evening, past sundown but not yet dusk, and Sam was feeling a wee bit grumpy. Dinner had been another amazing feast-she didnt know how they managed it under such primitive conditions, she really didnt. At the moment, she felt entirely too full and too tired out from the days adventures to move, much less go rambling through the rocks in yet another ploy designed by Cory to leave his brother alone with Alex. A ploy she was beginning to think might be a lost cause.
Shed said as much to Cory, whod then asked why she felt that way. So shed related most of her conversation with Alex, which, she admitted, had left her feeling sad.
I think she loves him, I truly do, Pearse. But shes got some serious abandonment issues. I dont know if-
Abandonment issues? Cory smiled and slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her snug against him. Thats something we know a thing or two about. And we managed to get together in spite of them.
For a moment Sam allowed her head to nestle in the comfortable hollow of her husbands shoulder. Just for a moment. Straightening, she said, Yeah, but we didnt have the disability thing to deal with, either. I mean, think about it. They have to figure everything out all over again. Like, back to square one, really.
Figure everything out? You mean, the sex thing, dont you? She heard the smile in his voice even before she felt the warmth of his lips against her hair. I wouldnt worry too much about that. Those things have a way of working themselves out. Where theres a will
Assuming there is a will.
Hmm, Cory murmured. And after a moment, I guess you didnt notice the way she was looking at him.
She craned to look at him. Yeah? How?
He grinned. Like a hungry wolf.
When? Today?
This afternoon. When we were going through the rapids.
Oh, well. I might have been a little busy right then. You knowtrying to keep from getting pitched into the river? Again
He laughed and pulled her back against him. Well, lets just say she couldnt take her eyes off him. Watching him wield that paddle
Hmmwell, I have to admit, Pearse, your brother does have an amazin body. Those shoulders Her voice dwindled to nothing as her husbands fingers worked their magic over her shoulders. She chuckled low in her throat and slipped her arms around his waist. Darn it, I really do wish we hadnt had to leave those tents behind.
Hmmwhys that?
Because, honey-bunchAlex and Matt arent the only ones who could do with a little privacy.
He laughed softly and let her go. Then he bent down and gathered up his bedroll and tucked it under his arm, smiled at her and held out his hand. Her heart skittered like a teenagers as she took it. Smiling back at him, she walked beside him into the deepening dusk.
Matt watched his brother go off hand in hand with his wife, and only realized he was smiling when Alex looked over at him and said bluntly, You know what theyre trying to do, right?
Matt watched his brother go off hand in hand with his wife, and only realized he was smiling when Alex looked over at him and said bluntly, You know what theyre trying to do, right?
His grin slipped away. Theyre not exactly being subtle.
He worked in silence for a moment, once again occupying himself by clearing away the remains of dinner and setting up for breakfast, while questions chased themselves in circles in his mind. He paused, then threw them at her all at once, so he wouldnt lose his nerve. Is it so terrible an idea, Alex? Being with me? Do you find me that repulsive?