ImagesfeelingsBefore she knew it, they came tumbling in. She didnt want them but couldnt stop them, couldnt make them go away. So she closed her eyes and surrendered, let herself drown in the sweet, aching memory of how it had beenwith Mattie, making love.
He was so sensual, for a man. He loved to be touched, not just there, but everywhere. And I loved touching him, with my lips and tongue and fingers and breasts. I loved the way his skin feltsmelledtasted. I could spend hours justtouching him.
And he loved to touch me, too. He never seemed to be in a hurry to get inside me, as if that were the only thing that mattered. Nohe would kiss me and kiss meeverywhere. Not as if that was something he had to do to get where he wanted to be, but as if thisthe kissingwas all that mattered.
Oh, Mattie. I wonderwould it still be like that now?
What would it be like now? Even if you cant move, can you still feel?
We used to laugh a lot when we made love. I wonder, Mattiewould wecould westill laugh?
The smell of coffee woke her up. She sat bolt upright in the morning chill and saw that it was early, just breaking day, and the pale ghost of the moon was slipping below the mountains on the far side of the river. And that Matt was already up and in his chair, with the stove going and coffee made.
Her sudden movement must have alerted him. He turned and saw her sitting up in her sleeping bag and made a little beckoning head-jerk, as if to say, Hey, get up and get your lazy self over here. A tremor ran through her, and she saw herself rising, going over to him and putting her arms around his neck and breathing in the warm, sleepy-man smell of him.
And so, contrarily, she took her time disentangling herself from her sleeping bag, stretchedshivered in the shorts and tank shed slept in as she slipped on her shoes, and finger-combed her hair that had come loose from its braid. Then, and only then, did she get up and make her way across to the fire and the warmth where Matt waited to pass her a mug of coffee.
She smiled at him as she took it and murmured, Thank you. Then, watching him reach to take a package of bacon out of the cooler, You dont have to do that.
The smile he gave her back was crooked. Figured you could use a little extra sleep, after the day you had yesterday.
She feigned outrage in a squeaky whisper. Me! Youre the one that went for a swim.
He handed her a stainless steel bowl, a whisk and a carton of eggs. Okay, then, make yourself useful. First morning out-omelets, right?
Surprised you remember that. She set her coffee on the grills prep shelf, and as she leaned past him to take the milk from the cooler, inadvertently brushed against his arm.
Her heart jolted and her skin shivered at the touch. Had she done it on purpose? Surely not. But she hadnt tried very hard to avoid touching him, either.
Some things you dont forget. His voice was a husky drawl, so close she could feel his breath on her temple. She turned her head to look at him, and her braid tumbled over her shoulder to dangle between them. He didnt have to move his hand much in order to grasp it.
An involuntary breath escaped her, not quite a gasp. She glanced down at his hand in its fingerless glove, holding her braid, his thumb stroking across the bumps and crevices, then lifted her eyes to his. They were so close, gazing back into hers. So close. If he tugged on her braid, even a little, and if she obeyed that summonsIt would take no more than that.
Their eyes held. Time stopped.
A twig snapped in the quiet. Voices murmured across the camp. Alex straightened up, breathing again, as her braid slithered through Matts loosened grasp.
Our guests are awake, she said in a croaking voice, and only realized shed said our when it was too late to take it back.
It was a picture-perfect day. As if, Alex thought, the river were trying to make up to them for its surliness the day before. The rapids were hair-raising enough to get everybodys adrenaline pumping, but they all came through them without mishap. And in the quiet water between, there was time for picture-taking and storytelling, to surprise a doe and her fawn drinking in the shallows, and to catch an even more rare glimpse of a bobcat bounding away across the rocky hillside.
As the guides usually did during the quiet times on the river, Alex gave talks on the rivers history, geology, flora and fauna, although she felt self-conscious doing so now, with Matt there. Hed always been the better storyteller.
She said as much at one point, after forgetting a key point in the lecture shed been giving on the role the Kern River Valley had played in the gold rush. Cory had smiled and said, It runs in the family.
Really? Hows that? Matt had seemed surprised.
Dad loved to tell stories, Cory had explained. Used to make them up himself. That was before you were born, though. Before Vietnam.
And it had hit Alex then, with a chilly sense of shock and shame, that this river run wasnt even about her and Matt and whatever may or may not have been between them. Shed been so caught up in her own issues and emotions-how could she have forgotten what it must be like for him? Not just coming back to the river, and the life hed once loved so much, but trying to get to know a brother he hadnt known existed, a whole family history he didnt know anything about.
Yeah, youre one selfish bitch, Alex. The least you could do is quit thinking of your own issues and try not to make things any harder for him.
They took out for the noon break-a sumptuous spread of cold cuts, fruit and veggie plates, breads and cold drinks-nonalcoholic, since they still had more rapids to run that afternoon. Another of the cardinal rules of river rafting, right up there with Watch for Rattlers and Leave No Trace, was Dont Drink and Boat!
After lunch, Sam volunteered to help Alex with the cleanup, while Matt and Cory went up the river-presumably to take care of personal and private needs. Alex was glad to have the help, and the company, since she wasnt all that comfortable with the course her own thoughts had been taking lately. Not after her lightbulb moment on the river.
And besides, she genuinely liked Sam. Not being one who got close to very many people, and being an only child besides, Alex didnt exactly know what having a sister would be like. But if she did have a sister, it would be okay with her if she was something like Samantha Pearson.
And besides, she genuinely liked Sam. Not being one who got close to very many people, and being an only child besides, Alex didnt exactly know what having a sister would be like. But if she did have a sister, it would be okay with her if she was something like Samantha Pearson.
Which-combined with her chastened mood-was probably why, when Sam asked her how it felt, being around Matt again, she didnt try as she normally would to evade the question. But she couldnt answer it, either, thanks to the unexpected knot of emotion that came from nowhere to clog up her throat and make it impossible to do more than shake her head and give a meaningless little ripple of laughter.
I do know how it is, Sam said gently. From personal experience.
Alex cleared her throat, buying herself the time she needed to tuck her emotions safely away. Yeah, you said that before. WhatI mean, how do you know? Fromwhat
Sam laughed. What personal experiences, you mean? Okay, well, in a nutshell, Cory and I met when I was really young. He was a friend of my dads, and thought he was too old for me. Or, maybe that I was too young for him-because I was. Too young to settle down, anyway. Too young to know what I wanted. He was patient for a long time, willing to wait for me to do all the stuff I wanted to do, that I thought I wouldnt be able to do once we-well, long story. Anyway, the upshot of it is, he got tired of waiting and we broke up. And then Cory got married to somebody else.
Alex made a shocked sound. Youre kidding.
Nope. The marriage didnt last, but I was devastated.
I can imagine!
Sams smile was wry. Stupid me. I always thought hed be there for me, forever. And then one day he wasnt.
Yeah, thought Alex, I know how that is.
I didnt think I could ever forgive him for that. But thena few years later, we met again underlets just say, difficult circumstances. Again-long story, but we came close enough to losing each other forever that it kind of put things into perspective for both of us. In the end, it wasnt easy, but we justhad to forgive each other.
She paused, then added, And for Cory there was the other thing-this issue about his family.
Yeah, said Alex, he told me about that.
Well, hed been keeping all that inside, and it was really hard for him to open up to me. Once he did- She shrugged and Alex saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. But what made it possible for us to get through all that was she brushed at her eyes and gave a small, self-conscious laugh, the kind of thing Alex could see herself doing if she got caught with her emotions showing we really really wanted to make it work. You have to have that. Otherwise, I thinkits just too darn hard.
Alex murmured, Yeah Those emotions she preferred to hide were percolating dangerously.
Sam turned to give her a piercing look, weighing a plastic bag full of cut-up veggies in her hand. So I guess my question would bedo you? Want to make it work with Matt?
Oh Lord. Do I? Now Alex resorted to that painful little laugh as she muttered, Its complicated.
Always is, hon.
Oh yeah. Especially right now. Hes got a lot going on, she said carefully.
About his family, you mean. Sam snorted-something else Alex wasnt above doing herself now and then. Theres always gonna be family issues. Now me-my dad disappeared from my life when I was ten.
Hah, said Alex, mine split before I was born.
Yeah, well, mine turned up alive and well when I was eighteen.
Okay, you win, Alex said, laughing. You definitely take the blue ribbon for father issues. But she was remembering Booker Ts words: You never got to be any lovin daddys little girl.
Sam was smiling. Not really. My dad and I get along great, now. Turns out it wasnt his fault he was gone so long. Hed been shot down in the Middle East and was in an Iraqi prison all that time. Nobody knew he was there until Cory got himself kidnapped. He was this famous journalist, see, so they sent Special Forces to rescue him. And, whoops, they found my dad with him. Thats how I met Cory.