The response was predictable.
Ah, man.
Hey, its early-how come we gotta quit now?
Yeah, I wanna hit something.
You cant hit nothin-you a wussy.
Im a show you wussy-you hit like a little girl.
The noise drifted off across the court as the six kids headed for the locker room. Matt and Cory followed, slowly.
I see what you meant when you said its not each other theyre mad at. That game they were playing-its what they call Murderball, right?
Officially, Matt said, pausing to scoop up the forgotten volleyball, its called quad rugby. Its been an official sport of the Paralympics sinceI think, Atlanta.
Cory nodded. Ive done some reading up on it. The rules allow them to do just about anything they can to the chairs, right? But they cant go after the occupant. Whoever thought up that game was a genius. Gives them a chance to beat up on the thing they hate most and cant live without. One thing, though. Doesnt the quad stand for-
Quadriplegic-yeah, it does. And most people think the same thing, which is that quads cant move their arms, but thats not true. Theres a whole range of motion, depending on where the SCI occurred.
Cory glanced at him. But youre not-
No-Im a para-T-11, to be exact. He grinned lopsidedly up at his brother. Thats how we refer to ourselves. These kids are mostly paras, too. Dee-Jon is the only one whos a quad, and hed like to try out for the U.S. Paralympic team someday. No, when I started this program, it was supposed to be wheelchair basketball. But the kids had other ideas. They were so rough on the chairs, I finally quit fighting it and went looking for some sponsorship so we could get some rugby chairs. You might have noticed, theyre built a little differently than regular chairs, even the sports models. He slapped the canted wheel of his own chair.
Cory grinned. I noticed. Also noticed youre short a couple.
Were working on it. Those suckers cost a couple thousand apiece. We got lucky right off the bat, because the guy that hit Vincent got his law firm to cough up the cost of the first two. The U.S. Quad Rugby Team gave us one. Andyou know, its taken us a couple of years to get the other three, but well get there. Eventually.
I might be able to help with that, Cory said, so offhandedly Matt wasnt sure hed heard him for a moment.
Then, when he was sure, he didnt know what to say. He bounced the volleyball once and coughed and finally said, Thatd be cool, man. Really. Thanks. He looked over at his brother, but Cory wasnt looking at him. Carefully not looking at him. His profile gave nothing away.
No problem.
Theyd reached the gymnasium door. Matt swiveled his chair about halfway to facing his brother and said, Ive got to supervise these guys, but Ill be free in an hour or so, if you want touh, I dont know. Likehang out?
Okay, hed been hanging out with teenagers too long.
Cory grinned as if hed had the same thought, and in the spirit of the moment, said, Okay, cool. Ill be here.
Matt nodded and went wheeling into the hallway, leaving his brother standing in the doorway. Halfway to the locker rooms, from which he could hear the usual racket and hair-curling language as his team got themselves and each other into the showers, he paused and looked back. The doorway was empty.
So. He was alone. Nobody to see him when he let his head fall back and exhaled at the ceiling, not sure whether he felt like laughing or crying. What he wanted to do, he supposed, was both. So instead he smiled to himself, like a little kid with a new bike. Shook his head, whooshed out more air, scrubbed his hands over his face, smiled again. Sniffed, wiped his eyes and muttered some swear words hed never let the kids hear him use.
After a few minutes, when he had himself under control again, he swiveled and wheeled himself on down to the locker room.
Matt slid a dripping medium-rare hamburger patty onto Corys plate and said, Dont be shy, bro. Dig in.
Looks great, his brother said, helping himself to slices of tomato and onion.
But behind the rimless glasses, his eyes held shadows. He hadnt said much, either, the whole time Matt had been fixing the burgers, just watched everything he did with that quiet focus that seemed to be his natural way. Now, with food on the table, and nobody with any particular reason to say anything, silence fell. It didnt seem like a comfortable silence.
Matt doctored up his burger the way he liked it, took a bite, chewed and swallowed, then said, super-casually, Hey, man. I hope youre not blaming yourself, or anything like that.
Cory put down his burger, and one corner of his mouth went up as he glanced over at Matt. For what part?
What part? For losing track of us-Wade and me andthe little girls. Waiting so long to try to find us. What the hell did you think I meant? This? He hit the rim of the wheel and threw him a look. Why would you be blaming yourself for this?
Cory shrugged and picked up his burger. Put it down again and stared at it as if it had turned bad on him all of a sudden. Why wouldnt I?
Okay, wait. Matt couldnt believe this guy. He huffed out a laugh. Youre not thinking you could have changed what happened to me. If youd been here. Thats crap. Thats justLook here, okay? I probably would have found some other way to screw up my life. Its just the way I am. Youve got no way of knowing this, but Ive always been a daredevil, taking chances I shouldnt, even when I knew better. You being around wouldnt have changed that.
Cory gave him an appraising look, and the light was back in his eyes, as if hed put the guilt away, for now. A chance-taker, huh? That why you chose to teach in an inner-city school?
Matt snorted. Hadnt thought about it quite like that, butyeah, maybe. Probably.
Wade told me he was surprised-thats an under-statement, by the way-when you decided to become a teacher. He said you werent ever much for schoolbeing indoors. Said you reminded him of Tom Sawyer. Youd always rather be outdoors, mixed up in some sort of adventure. And by the way, he blames you for any and all trouble you two got into when you were kids.
Matt laughed silently, nodding while he chewed. He would.
You did get through college, though. Thats something.
Yeah, well, I guess its a good thing I didas it turns out. Gave me something to fall back on, career wise. Not that Im any great shakes as an academic, you understand. I started out teaching phys ed, substitute teaching now and then. Now I teach ninth grade social studies in addition to the PE. Seems to be working out okay. Its a challenge, though, I grant you, going up against the gang influence-drugs, the whole culture of violence. I like it, though-and youre right, maybe because its a challenge. Likemaybe I had something to prove to myself. Maybe.
Cory said mildly, Seems like you could have done that just as well by going back to your old job.
Hey, Matt said, letting himself back away from the table. Forgot the beer. Can I get you one?
Sure.
He could feel those dark blue eyes boring into him as he made his way to the fridge, got out two cold ones and came back to the table. His brother didnt push, though. Just waited, as Matt was discovering was his natural way.
Matt slid one of the cans across to Cory and popped open the other. Took a drink, then figured there was no use avoiding the subject. He should have known it would come up, and was going to come up again, his brother being who he was.
The mountains, you mean. The river. There. That wasnt so bad, was it?
I had a talk with your former partner, his brother said quietly.
Matt took another swallow of beer. Not that it helped wash down the knot in his throat. Yeah? Hows she doing? The rafting business going well?
Corys half smile and steady gaze told Matt he wasnt fooled. Seems to be. Although Alexmaybe not so well.
The kick under his ribs caught him by surprise, made him check with his beer halfway to his lips. He coughed to cover it, set the beer down and said carefully, What do you mean?
Shes pretty angry with you, you know. And hurt. Doesnt understand why you broke things off with her.
Matt leaned back in his chair and steadied his hands on the wheels. Emotions hed learned to control threatened to break loose, something he didnt want, not now, not with the brother he was trying so hard to impress watching him like a hawk. He huffed out a laugh he hoped didnt sound bitter. That doesnt surprise me. I wouldnt expect her to understand. He added, as an afterthought, Dont expect you to, either.
Im pretty good at understanding, Cory said.
There was a moment when Matt thought he wouldnt answer, when he swiveled away from the table. Then for some reason he came back.
Okay, he said, then paused while he thought about how to start. Look. All during rehab they tell you the hardest part of getting your life back is facing up to what you were before. Like, as long as youre in the hospital, in rehab, youre in this completely different world, and youre surrounded by others in the same boat youre in, or worse off than you. You look forward to going home, thats what youre working toward, the light at the end of the tunnel. And then when you finally get there, instead of being this great thing, its like bam, everything hits you at once. Everywhere you look you see stuff that was part of your old life, stuff you cant do anymore. Thats hard. And hows that for under-statement?
Cory nodded. I can see how it would be. So you tried to avoid that part altogether. By not going back to the life you had before.
Yeah, I did, Matt said, quietly defiant. Do you blame me?
Im not into blaming anybody- Corys smile flashed -except maybe myself.
And I told you not to do that. I mean it. Im okay with my life. I mean, hell no, Im not okay with being in a wheelchair, but Ive accepted it. What else can I do? Look, I went through all the stages-first, youre just numb, then youre in denial. You tell yourself youre going to get over this, youre going to get well, youre going to walk again. When you realize youre not, you hit bottom. Theres rage, despair, bitterness-some people never make it past that. Some people choose to end it right there. I dont know why I managed to get through it, but I did, and Im glad I did. Ive got a job doing something important. At least, I think it is. I think maybe I can make a difference in some kids lives, and that keeps me going, getting up every morning.