What? Come on, I thought all women liked sushi.
Oh, I do, she said with the same touch of dry humor hed glimpsed before, as she obeyed his gesture and preceded him through the maze of cubicles. Im just amazed you do.
Dont let the tough-guy image fool you, he said, and was rewarded with a soft laugh. It appeared his plan to get her to relax might be working after all.
As they waited for the elevator, she gave him a measuring look and said, Youre not from here originally, are you?
He gave her back the look, and was surprised to discover he liked the fact that she was almost tall enough to look him in the eye. That it stimulated him in a way he couldnt quite figure out-and very little stimulated him these days, in any way. Nah, he said, grew up in Philly. Id guess youre a native, though, right?
She nodded. San Diegan born and raised. She gave a sigh that seemed almost regretful. I had the perfect childhood. I really did. Thats what makes all of this sohard.
The elevator dinged as she said the last word. It had the effect of underlining it, although she hadnt, and in fact, as she finished, her voice had dropped to barely a whisper.
A dozen things sprang into Alans head, questions he could have asked, remarks he could have made, gentle reminders that Alzheimers was notorious for robbing people of the best parts of themselves. He didnt say any of them, but waited for her to precede him, then followed her into the elevator.
There were a couple of other people already in the elevator, probably having come from the cafeteria on the seventh floor. The four of them rode down in the kind of awkward silence that seems to be the norm in elevators, most people being unwilling to share even whispered conversations with total strangers. The other couple got off and the silence became even more strained.
What am I doing here? Lindsey thought. His eyes are so hardhes not going to believe a word of this.
Alone in an elevator with a police detective, instead of feeling safe, Lindsey felt trapped; her thoughts chased each other through her mind like rabbits desperately searching for a hole in the fence.
I should never have come!
But she had, against her better judgment, and now she was stuck. Even though Detective Cameron was probably only being polite about listening to her story, she knew she couldnt just change her mind now and decide she didnt have a case for him after all. He was a homicide cop, and shed mentioned a possible murder. Of course he was going to insist on hearing the whole awful, miserable story. Then he would say something kind-a little patronizing, no doubt-about it almost certainly being the Alzheimers talking, and he was truly sorry about her mother, but unless she had something more concrete to give him
The elevator bumped to a stop and the doors opened onto the street-level lobby.
Theres a sushi place a couple blocks from here, the detective said, once more politely waiting for her to exit ahead of him. He glanced down at her low-heeled sandals. If you dont mind walking.
No, not at all, Lindsey said, and was seized by a sense of unreality. None of this was what shed expected. He wasnt what shed expected, not that shed ever personally met a homicide detective before, so how would she know what to expect? He seemed nice, and yet, she felt uneasy in his company. Hed be judging her, she was sure of it. She could feel him observing her, scrutinizing her facial expressions and body language. Weighing every word she spoke. Looking for inconsistencies and hidden agendas. Of course she had none, nothing whatsoever to hide, no reason to evade or lie. And yet, she felt tense and uncomfortable.
Maybe, she thought, its his eyes. Hard, yes, but not cold. Penetratingperceptive, too. And weary. They see a lot, those steely blue eyes. And, I think, have seen way too much of death and violence and ugliness already.
Youre a long way from Philadelphia, she said when they were outside, walking in the seventy-degree early November sunshine, a light breeze from the ocean lifting her hair away from her face. What on earth brought you to San Diego? And she knew she was only postponing what was coming, the questions he would inevitably ask.
For the moment, at least, he didnt seem to mind. He gave an easygoing chuckle, but when she glanced at him she noticed the laughter didnt reach as far as those eyes.
The marines, actually.
Ah. You were stationed at Camp Pendleton?
Did some training there. He said it dismissively, and she wondered what kind of training it might have been. He seemed hard enough, tough enough, to make some sort of Special Forces experience seem a reasonable assumption. Then he looked at her and smiled, and the tough-guy image wavered and softened. Hard to beat the weather. Philly can get ugly in the wintertime.
She smiled back at him, and they walked briskly for a block or so before she asked, Stillit was your home. Do you miss it? Do you still have family there?
He shook his head. No-on both counts. And his face had closed and hardened again, so she didnt ask the follow-up questions that were buzzing around in her mind. Are you married? Do you have children? Siblings? Are your parents still alive?
It was none of her business. He was a police homicide detective with a gun on his hip, someone she never would have imagined she would find herself walking and talking with in the normal course of her uneventful life.
So hard to believe, even now, that this was happening.
To her-Lindsey Diana Merrill. Once, briefly, shed been Lindsey Merrill-Hyde, but that had been another lifetime and seemed almost like a dream, now. She was Lindsey Merrill, only child of Richard and Susan Merrill, successful businesswoman, owner of her own insurance agency, competent, content, secure in who she was and where she belonged.
At least she had been, before her stable, secure world had shifted and trembled beneath her feet.
Her mothers face flashed into her mind. Beloved face, with kind green-gold eyes creased at the corners with laughter, and a mouth that smiled more often than not. A face that was only a memory now, supplanted by one she barely recognized, a face with eyes bewildered and shimmering with tears, lips tight with suspicion and fear, lines all drawing downward, making her lookold. That image grew and distorted and became the face of Lindseys nightmares, and walking beside the ex-marine, ex-special forces homicide cop, she felt helpless and frightened and fragile.
A buddy of Alans had advised him, in the months following his divorce when he was contemplating getting back in the dating game, never to take a woman to a place where theyd have to eat something messy on the first date. Hed considered it fairly sensible advice, at the time. Youll look like an idiot, hed been told, and the woman will never forgive you. Among the foods mentioned as first-date no-nos, he seemed to recall, had been spaghetti, tacosand sushi.
Now, all these years later, he wasnt sure whether hed grown wiser, more confident, or whether his priorities had changed, but he was finding there was a lot to be learned about a woman from watching the way she handled sushi with a pair of chopsticks.
For one thing, he gathered right off the bat, this woman knew her sushi. Shed ordered with confidence and barely a glance at the menu, and prepped her chopsticks as if shed been born to do it.
You like the spicy stuff, he commented, when the waiter had presented them with a bowl of edamame and pots of tea and then departed. Im afraid I have to stick with good old boring California rolls.
She smiled as she popped open a pod and scooped the tender soybeans into her mouth, then licked her lips without even a hint of self-consciousness. Ive always liked things hot, even as a kid. My dad is a great cook. King of the backyard barbecue, famous for being heavy on the spices. I probably had most of my taste buds burned off by the time I was six.
Helping himself to a handful of edamame pods, Alan realized he was watching her for the sheer enjoyment of it, and he knew it was time to remember why hed invited her to lunch in the first place. Time to get down to business.
Her face lights up when she talks about her dad. Definitely daddys girl.
Did you and your mom get along? he asked, and wasnt surprised when her gaze quickly dropped to her hands, busy with another edamame pod, so that the thick black lashes hid her eyes from him.
It was a moment before she said carefully, I always sensedI guess you would call it a kind of reserve in my mother. Its hard to explain it, but I think I always felt there was a part of her she kept hidden away. A part I wasnt allowed to touch-like the good china, you know? I always tried to be on my best behavior with her-which I think is not true of most kids. Most kids feel secure enough in their mothers unconditional love, they arent afraid to be themselves, even at their worst.
But you werent?
No, I wasnt. The lashes flew upward and her eyes met his in what seemed almost like defiance. But I do know she loved my father. And he adores her-that much I know. I grew up with them. And Ive stayed close to them as an adult. I swear to you, my parents love-loved- she choked a little on the word -each other.
An image flashed into his mind: Two old people with their arms around each other, faces peaceful as they lay together in bed, blood dried matted and brown in their sparse white hair and soaked into the pillowcases beneathHe pushed it back into the darker closet of his mind where he kept all such images, the ones marked Hazards Of The Job.
When did that change? He kept his voice gentle.
The tension went out of her shoulders and they seemed to droop under the burden of sadness she carried. A burden he thought had become such a habit for her she was barely aware of it now. After a moment, she took a deep breath and pushed the bowl of edamame away.
When did the Alzheimers start, you mean?
Alan poured himself some tea. If thats when the accusations began.
No, not the accusations-not then. Shed started showing the signs about two or three years ago. Probably, from what I know now about the disease, shed been hiding them for quite a while. Until she couldnt anymore. We were pretty sure it was Alzheimers, and once the doctors had ruled out everything else She shrugged and tried to smile, then gave it up as a lost cause. Fiddled with her teacup for a moment. Then, about six months ago she started behaving strangely. I mean, really strangely, even for someone with Alzheimers.