Memory of Murder - Kathleen Creighton 26 стр.


Hed never known a woman like this, so completely immersed in the act of making love, so utterly without reservation, self-consciousness or inhibition. Yet, not in a frantic way. Her body was pliantrelaxed, her movements so languorous and sweet he felt as though he could sink into her and lose himself there completely.

Her joy, her pleasure, her delight in his touch, his kisses, made him feel bigger, better, stronger. More. More of everything good and admirable than hed ever felt in his life before. He felt blessed and yet humbled, as if hed been entrusted with a great treasure to cherish and protect. Which should have been daunting, perhaps, except he also felt completely up to the task. Not only that, it seemed to him he was the only man alive who would be.

She sighed when he kissed herswelled under his hands. He no longer heard the rain or saw the darkness, because the world was her, and himnothing more. Just the two of them and then, so easily, so naturally, one.

Being inside her seemed so right, the only place he could be, then, the only place he felt he belonged, as if hed come home after a long, long time in exile. He felt a swelling in his chest, an unanticipated sting behind his eyelids, and quickly ducked his head to claim her mouth again, releasing emotions in a way he could understand and allow-in passion.

Reaching under her, he drew her more closely against him and seated himself even more deeply inside her, and felt her move with him as if she were truly part of him, not a separate person at all. He didnt ask himself, How can this be? How is it possible Ive never made love with this woman before? Not then. It was only later that it occurred to him to wonder, and ask: Where was the strangeness, the getting-to-know-you awkwardness that went with having sex with someone for the first time?

But just then, at that moment, he could only go with it, immerse himself in it as she did.

They moved together in the same rhythms for an unmeasured time, letting their bodies set the pace, tuned to each other as if they listened to the same music. And when the music rose finally to its crescendo, they rode it out together, bodies arching, swelling, pulsing and clenching in tandem. They clung together, first in something akin to terror, then exhilaration, and finally, a kind of thankfulnessand sweet relief.

Afterward, they lay intertwined and uncovered, bodies slick and humid where they touched, already beginning to feel the chill where they didnt. Even so, when he took his arm away from her to reach for the covers, she gave a little growl of protest.

He laughed softly and kissed her forehead, and when he had them covered up, gathered her close again. He heard her sigh, and for a few minutes more, let himself drift in the kind of contentment he hadnt believed himself capable of. But as his body cooled, inevitably so did his mind. Reason returned. And responsibility.

Still holding Lindsey close to his side with one arm, he lay back on the pillows and swore, muttering under his breath.

From her nest on his shoulder the murmur came, Regretting it already?

He shook his head. No, its not that. Regretting my own stupidity, I guess. And no- he raised up to touch a kiss to her forehead -I didnt mean that, either. What I mean is, I didnt even think about protection. Im sorry. I think I even have a couple of condoms over there in my wallet. I justforgot.

You cant get me pregnant, she said after a moment. And I havent had sex since my divorce. I think I would know if I wasyou know.

And I was tested fairly recently-got sliced up by a suspect in a domestic abuse case, so they tested me as a precaution. But thats-

Is that what this is? Her fingers traced the newly healed scar on his side, making him wince involuntarily. Oh-sorry, she cried. Did I hurt you?

No, you didnt. But what I was going to say was, thats no excuse. I should have remembered. He let out a breath. Well-

He stopped, but the words hed been about to say hung there between them, unspoken: Next time

Would there be a next time? Tonightmaybe. Even probably-or today, since it was already Sunday. But beyond that? He couldnt see it.

Her voice came, quietly and without much expression. You do regret it, dont you.

How could I regret what was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life? He felt exasperated, cornered, unnerved by his own unprecedented honesty.

How could I regret what was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life? He felt exasperated, cornered, unnerved by his own unprecedented honesty.

She was silent for a moment, absorbing what hed said. Then she drew a shaken breath and said, It was for me, too. But Im betting youre not thinking the same things I am right now.

For instance? It was a growl of futile belligerence.

You dont want this-what just happened between us-to happen again.

Not true. Againfutile. His body was already calling him a liar, and she knew it.

I dont mean tonight, she said, with both a smile and sadness in her voice. You said once, this-us-is a bad idea. You still think so.

Its not a matter of what I think, or want, he said slowly, as if speaking to someone of limited intelligence. Its just what is.

Why? Is it because Im part of a case youre working on?

Partly.

What, is it against the law for a police officer to be involved with someone connected with an open case? Even if shes not a suspect?

He stirred restlessly, his thoughts becoming scrambledscattered. Fatigue, he wondered, or the distraction of her body lying warm and round against him. No, not against the law.

Department policy, then? She stirred, too, and he felt her hand move, innocent of design, across his belly.

His voice seemed to come from there-deep in his belly. Yeah, probably. Ethically

So-its your policy. Your ethics.

His laugh was harsh. God, that makes me sound like such a prick.

Her hand grew still. I dont mean for it to. Im trying to understand. Youre a man of principle-I understand that. Its one of the things that makes me She didnt finish it, and instead, after a long pause, drew an unsteady breath. So, what about when its all over? What then?

Lindseylove.

And there it was, the pet name hed been looking for. Lindsey-love. And now realized had been there all along, only hed been too afraid to say it out loud. Why? he wondered. Afraid it might be true?

He took refuge in a tried and true cop-out. Its not that simple.

She raised herself on one elbow and looked down at him, her bewitching eyes only smudges in the darkness. After what seemed an endless silence, she said very softly, You think my father is guilty, dont you? And you think Ill blame youhate youfor bringing him down.

Lindsey

In a quick, almost violent movement, she sat up, pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her voice sounded breathless and muffled. I wouldnt, you know. Even if he were guilty. Which I know hes not. But if he were, I wouldnt blame you. Her head swiveled toward him. How could I? Youre only doing your job. In fact, doing what I asked you to do. How could I blame you?

He heard the anguish in her voice as she emphasized the last word and thought, Yes, there it is. You would, he said gently, raising himself on one elbow. Or maybe more than that, youd blame yourself. Whichever way it goes, its always going to be there between us.

Again, a flurry of movement in the darkness as she shook her head. It doesnt have to be. People have overcome worse things. Its only an obstacle if you let it be. And maybe-

He heard a sharp intake of breath, as if shed stumbled, and when she continued there was a new note of breathlessness and pain in her voice.

Which was just what it was like, he thought-stumbling over the truth. Like stubbing your toe in the darkness.

Maybe you want it to be. Becausemaybe what you want is an excuse.

An excuse? he said. For what?

An excuse not to try again. She paused, and he caught a furtive movement-her hand, brushing her cheeks. Like me. I know what its like, you know-to be so afraid of getting your heart broken, you wont let yourself take another chance.

Chapter 11

I had gone there to kill her-to finish the job I started. When I found she had no memory, and then they told me she was pregnant How could I justify killing a child? And she didnt know me, didnt recognize me at all

Excerpt from the confession of Alexi K.

FBI Files, Restricted Access,

Declassified 2010

Alan was a homicide cop; he was accustomed to listening to confessions. He knew not to interrupt with questions at this point, but simply to listenand wait.

In the neutral, nonjudgmental darkness, Lindsey paused to gather her courage, and after a moment, went on.

After my baby died, I had an operation-its called a tubal ligation. I had my tubes tied, in other words. So I couldnt get pregnant again-ever. I couldnt stand to go through that again-the pain. I just couldnt. Other people seemed to be able to have miscarriages, lose babies, and try again and again. But not me. Her voice seemed to clog up, slow to a trickle, so she continued in a whisper. It cost me my marriagebroke my parents hearts. She paused once more, gathering strength. And Ive always convinced myself I was right to do what I did. But the truth is, I was just not brave enough. I was a coward, Alan. Afraid to take the chance. She made that surreptitious little movement again, brushing at tears. Pleasedont do what I did. Dont cut yourself off from relationships just because one didnt work out for you. Give-this-us-a chance.

What could he say to her? Lie to her? Make her promises he wasnt sure he could keep?

In the end he said nothing except to murmur her name, and gathered her into his arms even knowing that doing so may have been as much a lie as saying the words out loud. But to leave her to weep uncomforted seemed to him too great a cruelty. And besides, he needed the comfort as much as she did.


He made love to her again. It solved nothing, she knew-and she was fairly certain he knew that, too-but it felt so good, and for a short while, at least, it did make the pain go away. His hand between her thighshis mouth on her breastshis big body solid beneath hers, on top of hersevery place he touched her, every way he touched her-a little rough where her body craved roughness, gently, delicately, carefully where any but the lightest touch might have brought pain-gave such exquisite pleasure. There was no room for thought or feeling. He really did make the world go away-and at that moment, it was all she asked of him.

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