Without smiling, Cory said mildly, Did you think it wouldnt be? You saw my name on the charter, you knew who the customer was. You had to know this moment was coming. You must have hadI dont know, days to think of something bright and clever to say.
Cruel, she thought. That isnt like you.
But then, what did she know? Really?
Well, Id have thought youd have more to say, she shot back at him. Ive never known you to be so stingy with words.
He sat back in his chair. What is there to say? You told me never to call you or speak to you again.
Jeez! You got married! There. Yes! Anger felt so much better.
And divorced.
She stared at him through a shimmering haze. And that was supposed to make it all okay? We couldwhat, pretend it never happened?
His jaw looked tense; she could see the small muscles working. We cant talk about this here, he said stiffly. I need to give you those maps, anyway. Lets take this back to my room. He sat forward in his chair.
She leaned back in hers, cringing away from him. Uh-uh-no way.
He paused then, and a smile broke wryly across his face. Dont tell me youre chicken? Afraid to be alone with me? Doesnt sound like the Sam I knew.
She bristled, then, as hed known she would. The one sure way he knew to get to Sam was to question her courage.
Im no chicken, which you know damn well. Though she glared at him still, he could see a faint blush creep beneath her tan. Her lips twitched, and she pressed them together to stop them from softening into a smile. She drew a quick, faint breath. But if you think Im going anywhere near a hotel room with you
He gazed at her, letting his compassion for her warm his eyes and his smile. His wanting, his hunger for her, he kept hidden, a secret thumping heat in his groin, a bitter ache in his heart. Still there, isnt it? he said softly, for the sheer pleasure of seeing her eyes flare hot.
She opened her mouth to deny it, and he watched the struggle play itself out in the changing expressions on her face. It was a familiar battle, one hed seen waged there many times before. Pride versus honesty. With Sam, though, the victor was never in doubt. After a long, anguished moment, she closed her mouth and, chin elevated, turned her head away.
Cory said gently, If I promise not to touch you, will you let me explain?
What could she do? True, his gentleness had driven her mad sometimes, possibly because it was impossible to resist. She could feel herself growing shaky inside; the protective walls shed thrown up so hurriedly were beginning to crumble already. How much longer would they hold? What would happen to her when they fell?
In a desperate effort to shore them up, she stiffened her back and said tartly, What is there to explain? I came back from training and they told me you were married. I had to hear it from Mom and Dad. And her whole body vibrated with the tension, the sheer willpower it took to keep him from seeing how much that had hurt.
Sam, Cory said, gentle still, wed cut each other loose. Wed agreed
Yes, but I never thoughtI didnt believeI didnt know you meant it! I thoughtI thought youd always be there. I thought youd always love me, and wait for me
Childish of me, probably, to think so.
Yeah, right, she said abruptly, then caught a breath. I know. It wasjust a shock, I guess. She gave her head a toss and pasted on a smile. You should have told me. Ida sent you guys a toaster, or something.
Sam He shook his head, and she caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes before he veiled them from her with a downward sweep of his lashes and rose to his feet. Come on-lets get out of here.
Hollow and shaken, Sam didnt wait for him to settle with the waiter. She made her way to the lobby, where she fidgeted restlessly, surreptitiously checking herself out in the mirror above the check-in desk. Satisfied with what she saw, reassured that none of her inner turmoil showed on the outside, she was able to flash Cory a confident smile when he joined her there a few minutes later.
He gave her a nod and they walked outside together. Together, but not touching. As they strolled unhurried along the bamboo breezeway that led to their rooms she thought how odd it was to be doing that, while a memory tumbled out of the past and threatened to inundate her with sadnessa memory of walking like this, the two of them side by side but not touching, down the lane at Grandmas house in Georgia, she with her insides all aquiver with the strange joyous awareness that she was falling in love. How scary that had been, and how beautiful and sweet at the same time. Remembering made her ache with yearning, and she wasnt even sure what for.
Its the air, she thought. Thats what brings it all back. Reminds me of those early-summer Georgia evenings-soft and humid, still warm even this late at night. Except here, instead of cicadas and frogs backing up a giddy whippoorwill, I hear surf sounds and the chirp of night birds I dont recognize making a different kind of harmony with the music from the bar.
They walked in silence until Sam, feeling easier, maybe, with the cloak of semidarkness around her-not having to see his face-spoke softlycarefully.
Look-Im sorry, okay? Divorce is sad and awful. I have friends whove gone through it. So Im sorry you had to. She paused, waiting for his reply. When none came she ventured on, still focusing on the path ahead. Sowhat happened? I mean, it onlyyou were married for such a short time. Did something Her voice trailed miserably off.
Please, she thought, say the words. Say it, even if it doesnt fix anything: My marriage failed becauseshe wasnt you.
After a long suspenseful moment he said in the same slow and careful way, I thinklets just say we both had expectations the other wasnt able to meet. Leave it at that.
Leave it at that? Why did I dare to hope for more?
At least, she said lightly, with a soft breath to hide how disappointed she was, you didnt have kids. Thats a good thing. I guess.
Yes.
She waited, but again there was nothing more. Never known for her patience at the best of times, she felt her frustration level rising with every pulse beat. Inevitably, in spite of every promise shed made to herself, it boiled over.
Is that all you have to say? Thats what drives me crazy about you. You know what, Pearse? You never let anybody know whats going on inside you. What youre feeling. I know youve got feelings. Nobody could write the way you do and not have feelings. Huge, deep feelings. But you never let anybody see them, me included. In all the years we were together-
Dont try to tell me I never told you how I felt about you, Cory said on a surprising note of anger. Because I did. You know I did. You knew how I felt about you.
She considered that, head tilted to one side, ignoring the little thrill she felt at his unexpected display of emotion, however brief. Did I? See, the thing is, I thought I knew, but then it turned out I was wrong. So either you didnt tell me, or I missed something, or maybe you lied-
Come on, Samantha. Ive never lied to you and you know it.
No-thats right. You dont lie. You just leave blank spaces.
Blank spaces? What are you talking about?
You, dammit. Youre one big blank space.
Sam, youre being ridiculous.
Dont you dare go all tight and reasonable on me, she fumed. Do you realize I dont know anything about your past? Your childhood? How long were we together, and yet, I dont know what kind of child you were-what kind of books you read, what games you played, what songs you sang. Nothing. Ive told you every little thing about mine-I even taught you the Wishing Star poem, remember? Almost the first time I met you. But youve never told meanything.
Youre talking about facts, not feelings. I told you I grew up in foster care, he said quietly. Okay, you want feelings? It wasnt fun. What else is there to say?
You see? She gazed at him for a long moment, then shook her head and said in a voice tight with frustration, Maybe its because I dont know the right questions to ask. Thats your talent, not mine. You have that gift, you know? You can get inside peoples heads. Before they even know it, theyre telling you their life history. I wish I could do that, but I dont know how. Which probably explains why, even after all the years we were together, I dont really know you at all, Pearse. What does that tell you?
Hed never seen her look at him that way before. The bewildered anger in her face tugged at his heart, but it was the bleakness he saw there that shocked him. She lookeddefeated. Sammi June, his Sam, who hed never known to be any way but upbeat, determined, confidentwho went gung ho after what she wanted with chin held high and never even considered the possibility of failure. How hed loved her arrogance, her self-confidence, and at times, drawn strength himself from her courage. Now, the sadness and defeat in her eyes was more than he could bear. He reached for her, then remembered his promise
But almost at the same moment, she jerked away from him with a small cry that pierced him like a dart. No. Im not going through this again, Pearse. Im not.
He snatched his hands back, held them up and away from her, then folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the breezeways rattan railing. The door to his room was only a few feet away, with Tonys next to it and Sams a little farther on. He glanced at his door, then away, while words, thoughts and emotions pounded like thunder in his head. Knowing any attempt to voice them would be futile, he simply shook his head.
Why did you do it? Why did you call meafter the divorce? Her voice sounded so small, but still it managed to hold all the anger and bewilderment, the sadness and defeat hed just seen in her face. She didnt wait for him to answer, but plunged on in the tiny, wounded voice that was so not Sam. I mean, what did you think was going to happen? What did you expect me to do? Or say? He looked at her then, opened his mouth to reply, but again she rushed on.
Like-you getting divorced justerased everything? Hey-maybe getting a divorce erased your marriage, but it didnt erase anything else, you understand?