She replied dryly, I gather from that look that youve declined to answer any of them?
His gaze narrowed even further.
Ill take that as a yes. She pondered him thoughtfully. What could mess up a man like him so badly? It was no great feat of logic to figure out hed been involved in some sort of law enforcement or military profession until very recently.
She asked neutrally, Did the bad guy get away when you got shot?
He jolted. Not the directions his thoughts had been running, clearly. And just as clearly, he didnt like the question. Thanks, Doc, but I dont need any more people like you poking around inside my head.
He jolted. Not the directions his thoughts had been running, clearly. And just as clearly, he didnt like the question. Thanks, Doc, but I dont need any more people like you poking around inside my head.
She smiled lightly. So, youve become lovers with all of your doctors? I would have to object to the blurring of the patient-client boundary implied by sleeping with your physicians.
He turned away from her sharply. Enough already. I didnt sleep with any of them.
Then please dont lump me with them. When he continued to stare into space in stony silence, she probed again. Okay, so were not talking about what happened to the bad guy. What happened to your partner or partners?
The response was incredible. He didnt move so much as a muscle. And yet, all of a sudden, waves of rage and grief poured off of him so forcefully they all but knocked her over.
And it all clicked in her head. His comments about not deserving to be happy or to livehis deep sense of responsibilitythat terrible scarhis utter refusal to talk
Survivors guilt.
Somebody hed worked with, maybe even led, had died. And he, while terribly injured, had lived.
She asked lightly, gently, So, just out of curiosity, have you ever heard of a thing called survivors guilt?
His gaze narrowed. Free psychoanalysis was not part of this deal. And besides, thats none of your damned business.
Damn. He was not going to cut her any slack, even if theyd made mind-blowing love together and bared their souls to one another. She hated to hurt him, but her gut and her training suggested a little shock therapy might be in order.
Her gaze narrowed back. My necks on the line here, sport. And whether you want to admit it or not, youre in trouble. If you want to crawl into a hole and kill yourself after this delivery is done, thats your affair. But right now my life and the lives of my parents and brother are in your hands. The state of your head damned well is my business.
His glare flickered briefly and he had the good grace to look away. Score one for her.
She continued, You, my friend, present every symptom in the book of survivors guilt.
He reared back at that. I am not a head case.
I never said you were. Youve suffered terrible wounds, both physical and emotional. You shouldnt underestimate either.
He snorted. Im the one popping painkillers and sweating bullets over whether or not I can do this mission.
Your body is only part of the equation. What about your soul? Ive looked into your eyes, John. Ive seen your pain. Please dont turn away from me. She wouldve added that she wanted to help, but it sounded too doctorish in her ears, and hed clearly had his fill of platitudes from medical professionals. She had to keep this real. It had to stay personal and private between them.
He crossed his arms, his body language screaming defensiveness. I hate to burst your bubble, Sigmund, but we dont have time for me to go through a couple months of counseling before we continue with this mission.
She shook her head. This wont be a project for a few months, John. Youll need long-term and qualified counseling to deal with these issues.
He threw up his hands. Great. Just what I need. Years of shrinks poking around inside my noggin! So much for the rest of my career.
She asked reasonably, Whats more important? Your career or your life?
He stared at her in angry silence.
Yup. Survivors guilt all the way. He didnt value his life at more than a plug nickel at the moment. She shrugged. Im not trying to tell you what to do. Its your life. Your decision. But I do have a right to ask if youre going to be able to do what needs to be done for me and my family.
He stared at her a long time, the look in his eyes grumpy and bordering on rebellious. She did her best to let all the compassion and calm acceptance she could muster seep into her own steady gaze. She dared not look away from him right now. Hed leap all over any show of weakness from her, and she needed him to face this thing head-on and not turn away from it. She didnt know a blessed thing about sneaky missions and intelligence briefings, or the covert insertion stuff hed talked to his buddies about earlier, but she did know he wouldnt be good for a damned thing if he didnt at least start to deal with his guilt, and soon.
We need to get going, he finally said woodenly.
She sighed and nodded. Okay.
You rest. Ill pack up and fix us a bite to eat.
She watched in silence as he took down the tarp and packed it away. He sat down on the other end of her log and passed her a steaming pouch ofsomething.
Uhh, John, what am I supposed to do with this?
Eat it.
She recoiled in horror. A handwarmer, yes, but a meal? No way! She took a cautious sniff. What is it?
Freeze-dried chili mac, he replied cheerily enough to rouse her suspicions. He waved his steaming pouch. Or you can have my beanie weenies if you likebut they give most people gas like crazy.
She answered dryly, Thanks, but I think Ill pass on the beans. She poked her plastic spoon at the glop in her bag. Bracing herself, she blew on a bit of it and gingerly put it in her mouth. It wasnt bad in a better-than-nothing way, but gourmet fare it was not. However, she needed the calories if todays hike was going to be anything like last nights marathon from hell. Of course, she didnt have any right to complain if he dragged her up and down the mountainsides; after all, he was doing this at her request to save her family.
She finished choking down the chili mac. By about halfway through the freeze-dried meal, it actually started to taste decent. She cringed to imagine how many taste buds shed killed to arrive at this state of culinary acceptance.
John efficiently collected their trash and stowed it in his pack. He pointed the way for her to walk up the hill, while he walked backward behind her, fussing periodically. Finally, she stopped and turned around to face him. What are you doing?
Erasing our trail.
You dont plan to make the rest of this trek backward, do you? she asked in surprise.
He laughed. No. Im just making it hard for an amateur to follow us. We dont have time for me to completely counter-track our passage.
Counter-track?
He nodded. Thats where I erase our trail so that even a professional tracker cant follow us.
Why are you messing with our trail at all? Dont the bad guys already know were coming?
Our bad guys arent necessarily the only fish in the pond out here.
Oh, good Lord. Are you saying we may have to fight off other bandits before we reach our own personal bandits?
He grinned widely at that one. Something like that. Im hoping that the very act of halfway hiding our trail will deter the casual bandit from fooling with us. There are some truly serious bad guys out here, and I expect the local yokels will want to avoid tangling with the big sharks.
So youre basically trying to make our trail look like aa big sharks.
Exactly. He beamed at her.
You live in a very strange universe, John Hollister.
His grin widened as he dragged a bundle of twigs across a patch of dirt. Welcome to my world, darlin.
Geez. No wonder the guy was a mess. Except he didnt strike her as the type to fall apart. Most of the time he was so strong and centered and mature, like he solidly knew who and what he was and why he existed. But then shed catch a glimpse of that shadow in his eyes, a vast, empty place of pain and loss. Something really terrible had happened to him. She almost would rather not know what could have rattled a man like him so badly. She was by no means qualified to take on his demons, but unfortunately, she might be all John had. She wouldnt presume to consider herself his soul mate or the love of his life, but she was his lover for now. Hopefully, that would count for something. Like it or not, it was up to her alone to throw the guy a lifeline.
Geez. No wonder the guy was a mess. Except he didnt strike her as the type to fall apart. Most of the time he was so strong and centered and mature, like he solidly knew who and what he was and why he existed. But then shed catch a glimpse of that shadow in his eyes, a vast, empty place of pain and loss. Something really terrible had happened to him. She almost would rather not know what could have rattled a man like him so badly. She was by no means qualified to take on his demons, but unfortunately, she might be all John had. She wouldnt presume to consider herself his soul mate or the love of his life, but she was his lover for now. Hopefully, that would count for something. Like it or not, it was up to her alone to throw the guy a lifeline.
She waited until theyd hiked all day and half the night and had crawled once more into a tiny pup-tent affair that John had rigged up. It was drizzling on and off outside, but hed managed to find them a dry spot to lie down and had rigged the tarp to keep the rain off them. Clever man. Handy to have around.
To his credit and to her encouragement, he lay down first and then stretched an arm out to her, offering his shoulder for her to sleep on. Given the sharp bite to the air tonight, she was all over cuddling up to his big, warm body.
Once she had her arm and a leg tossed across him, trapping him in place, she launched her first life line at him.
She murmured casually, How did you get shot, John?
He turned to stone beneath her. Right there, a full-body transformation to granite. Cold and hard and unyielding. His silence was deafening.