You need to tell someone. And hey, youve already shared your body and soul with me. She added winningly, I know about your guilt problem and I havent run away.
You cant run away, he bit out.
Maybe. But I could also have pretended not to notice it, or I could have blown it off as no big deal. But I called it what it is and I still dont hate you.
The tension humming through him was terrible. Yup. Shed put her finger exactly on the heart of the issue. As shed suspected. Whatever incident had injured his back was also the source of his emotional wounds. Hed linked the two together. Physical pain and emotional pain all in one big messy jumble in his noggin.
He let out a long, shuddering sigh. It wasnt an answer, but it was a good sign that the granite had thawed to, oh, brick.
Talk to me, John. Tell me whatever you want to about your back, about how you hurt it, or how it feels now, something. But youve got to start talking. If you bottle this up inside you forever, itll eat you alive. She propped herself up on his chest and stared down in the darkness at the indistinct shadow that was his face. He was giving nothing away.
She reached up and ran her fingers lightly through his hair, caressing his broad forehead, and murmured, I care far too much about you to let that happen without putting up a fight. She repeated herself for emphasis. Im going to fight it, John. You can help me or you can get in my way, but Im not letting this thing get the best of you without doing my damnedest to stop it.
The shrinks say its normal to spend a period of time not wanting to talk about a trauma.
She snorted. Not when youre destroying yourself over it. She laid her palm against his stubbly cheek and spoke softly. Youve turned whatever happened inward against yourself. Its long past time you talked about it.
Beneath her hand he shook his head.
Last night you forced me to talk to you, to tell you my deepest, darkest secret. And I have to admit, John, I feel better having it off my chest. Im not big enough to physically make you talk, and I cant threaten to abandon you out here like you did me. But John, dont you owe me the same honesty you forced out of me?
John stared at Melina in thinly disguised panic. The sky was falling, the trees closing in on him. He couldnt do this! Not here. Not now. He couldnt face his demons, not in the middle of an op. Special Forces missions were hard enough without additional dragons to slay. And no doubt about it, this had turned into a full-blown op. Problem was, he was out here solo with a civilian, and what he really needed was a twelve-or sixteen-man team and a whole lot of firepower.
Was she right? Was she all he had? Was he so far down the road to self-destruction that he had to do this now or kill them both? Hell, he didnt know. He didnt know anything anymore. Melina had turned everything he thought he knew about himself and his life on its head.
But to talk about the ambushto tear back all the careful layers of insulation hed built over that wound, to relive the agonyterror shuddered through him at the mere thought of it.
Melina. What youre saying may make sense. But you dont understand what youre asking of me.
She gazed gently at him. I think maybe I do understand. Youre possibly the strongest man Ive ever known-and Im not talking physically. If something happened that even you cant handle, it scares me to death to imagine what that might be. We cant fix whatever happened, and I dont have the training to begin to help you come to terms with it. But I think we have to face it at least a little-enough to make sure you can hold it together well enough to get through whatever lies ahead of us.
He swore under his breath. Like it or not, his gut was telling him the same thing. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. It didnt help the sudden and pounding headache he had.
You dont have to be all macho to show off for me, you know, she murmured. She added coyly, You already got the girl.
He grinned lopsidedly at her. I still have a reputation to maintain, you know.
Okay. Well, you do your muscle flexing and Neanderthal grunting or whatever it is you do, and Ill try to remember to act suitably impressed. But dont suffer needlessly, okay? Your guilt is accomplishing nothing.
A moment of clarity burst behind his eyelids. But he did need to suffer. Deserved to suffer. Was that was this was all about? An elaborate form of self-punishment?
He fell asleep without finding any answers. But when he woke up, squinting into the bright morning light, he actually felt a little better. It was probably just a matter of having gotten a few hours of decent shut-eye. He had to give her credit, though. His rest was entirely her doing. He hadnt slept for squat since the ambushnot until Melina had come into his bed and into his arms.
They went through the now familiar routine of eating breakfast and packing up camp in silence. He was eternally grateful that she didnt feel a need to continuously and mercilessly pick at his emotional scabs.
In a contemplative frame of mind, he hefted the big backpack of gear. He waited while she picked up the small, light rucksack hed prepared for her, and then he turned to face the trail. Once we top this ridge, well descend into a long valley and hike along its length for the rest of today and most of tomorrow.
Melina nodded, a smile of relief on her face.
Dont look so happy. The forest is thicker down there and itll be tough going.
Her face fell. So we either get no oxygen or no trail?
That pretty much sums it up. The good news for you is Ill go first and make a trail.
Three cheers for macho he-men!
He grinned over his shoulder at her.
In point of fact, the walk down into the valley was pretty easy, and for several hours, they hiked along in companionable silence. He actually enjoyed losing himself in the simple rhythms of movement. The exercise felt good. It had been a long time since hed done anything like this. Most of his rehab had been done in sterile, impersonal clinics or gyms. But to get outside, smell the green air, feel the wind on his skinit was a good thing. Yet another simple gift Melina had brought back into his life.
They had about an hour of light left when they hit the tree line and entered the primeval forest of the remote Andes. Its gloom was mysterious and magical, and under other circumstances, hed have richly enjoyed the opportunity to pass within its hallowed depths. But as it was, Melina was breathing heavily behind him and they were getting low on water. Should he press on and put a little more distance behind them, or should he go ahead and start looking for a campsite and a stream?
A small sound caught his attention. A twig snapping. Not an odd sound in the woods, but for some reason, it stood the hackles on the back of his neck straight up. He turned sharply to Melina and pressed a cautionary finger against his lips. She froze. He gestured with his hands palm down, pressing down toward the forest floor and then he sank down himself. Thankfully, Mel got the idea and sank down beside him.
She threw him a questioning gaze that needed no hand signals to translate.
He leaned close to her and breathed, I heard something.
Apparently, she understood that he meant hed heard something not of these woods, something that didnt belong out there. The two of them listened intently for many long minutes. Nada. No more noises even remotely similar to that snapping twig. And frankly, that worried him more than several more twig cracks would have. If there had been a steady pattern of snaps, hed know some wild creature was nearby. But no beast of the forest had this much patience.
Something was out there, watching and waiting. Or rather someone.
Chapter 10
Melinas gaze darted left and right, frantically seeking their follower. They were so exposed out here! She wanted to crawl over to John and creep inside his shirt, to hide her head until the danger went away and let him take care of everything. Except this whole mess was her problem, not his. Hed already gone above and beyond the call of duty to keep her safe.
After an eternity, John leaned toward her and murmured, Whoever was out there has gone away or gone to ground.
Which means what, exactly?
We can talk and move again. Whoevers out there isnt going to show himself.
Now what do we do?
He shrugged. Now we press on. We still have to get to the next set of coordinates by tomorrow night.
Look, John, if this is too much for you, its okay if you just leave me a map and get out of here.
He snorted heartily. Whether that was indignation or amusement, she couldnt tell. But it was a definite sound of dismissal of that idea. Color her relieved, but she had to make the offer. She couldnt, in good conscience, guilt him into staying out here with her. He was already laboring under guilt aplenty. Speaking of maps, he pulled out one of his and spread it on the ground between them.
For the record, were right here. He pointed out a spot on the map with a felt-tipped pen and made a little black dot on its laminated surface. This is where were headed. He stabbed at a red dot already marked on the map. If something happens to me, take this map and walk out of here. Do not proceed to the rendezvous alone. Go back to Pirate Petes and get more help.
She shrugged noncommittally.
He made a sound of exasperation. If Im out of the picture, youre planning to continue without me, arent you? Im tellin you, Mel, if you walk into that camp by yourself, I guarantee you and your family are all dead.
And Im telling you, John, they wont kill me right away. They want that drug formula from me. And Ill refuse to give it to them unless they set my family free.
What if they start torturing your folks in front of you? Can you stand the sound of your parents screams for hours or days on end? How long are you gonna hold out on them when they start cutting your brothers fingers off?
She grimaced at the grisly images his words evoked.
How about when they start cutting your fingers off?
Enough! I get your point! she exclaimed, horrified.