Promise me, Melina. If something happens to me, youll go get help and not try to finish this thing alone.
Her lips pressed tightly together.
He grabbed her by both shoulders. Look. I can barely hold it together as it is. On top of everything else, dont add the worry that youll kill yourself if anything happens to me. I cant handle the idea. I care too much about you, dammit.
Her eyes widened in surprise. For that matter, his did too.
I came out here knowing full well I was on my way to die. Why cant you wrap your brain around that? she asked in frustration.
He retorted, Because I came out here knowing full well that I was going to see you through this thing safe and in one piece. Why cant you wrap your brain around that?
Its my choice to make and not yours. My life. My family. My choice.
He stared at her in open exasperation.
With all due respect, she said gently, youre not exactly the person to criticize me about self-destructive behavior.
The life, the very color, drained out of his eyes until they were black and bleak. Okay, that had been a low blow to hit him with. But darn it, he had to understand how committed she was to going through with this.
His gaze fell away from hers. He spoke quietly. I suppose I deserved that. A pause. We make a hell of a pair, dont we? Im out here wishing to die and vowing to stay alive long enough to see you through this, and youre out here desperate to stay alive, but determined to throw yourself upon your sword anyway.
She gazed into the mirror of his hopeless gaze and flinched at what she saw of herself reflected back at her. Is that what he saw when he looked into her eyes? It wasnt a pretty sight.
She said quietly. If its that important to you, I promise I wont try to finish this thing alone. But John, dont let anything happen to you. I care too much about you, too.
He shrugged and started to turn away, but she grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her. Why do you want to die? Nothing is worth throwing your life away for except maybe saving someone elses life.
His voice was low, charged. And when you fail to save someone elses life? Then what?
She stared at him a long time. So that was it. Someone hed been responsible for had died on his watch, and he was consumed by guilt. That certainly explained a lot.
She chose her words carefully. You grieve their loss. You acknowledge that we all have a time to live and a time to die. And then you go on with your own life. Its the least you owe the person who died. Nobody wants anyone else to stop living on their account.
Persons who died. Plural, he bit out.
She didnt want to know the answer, but she had to ask anyway. How many?
Eight. My men. Three of them had wives and kids, for Gods sake.
Oh, God. Pain for him was a fist in her stomach that she could barely breathe around. And hed been carrying that around inside him all this time? Reaching deep for strength for his sake, she asked gently, Did you force them to do their jobs?
His hand slashed through the air, cutting her off. Ive been through all that logic crap with the shrinks. The fact remains that theyre dead and Im not. And Im the one who should be dead, not them.
The agony in his voice was almost more than she could bear. Promise me something, John.
His hand slashed through the air, cutting her off. Ive been through all that logic crap with the shrinks. The fact remains that theyre dead and Im not. And Im the one who should be dead, not them.
The agony in his voice was almost more than she could bear. Promise me something, John.
He glanced up at her, surprised.
When you get home from this expedition, promise me youll talk to a counselor. A good one. That youll stick with it until you work this thing out.
His entire being went still. He was looking at her, but she got the sense he was looking through her, not really seeing her. The only thing I can promise you is that when I get back home, Im going to finish what you interrupted the day you walked into the store.
And what was that?
I was in the middle of hanging myself.
She reeled back, stunned. Her arms ached to wrap around him, to pull him close and comfort him like a child. But she sensed that hed implode if she so much as laid a finger on him right now.
She finally whispered, Oh, John. Im so sorry.
Youre sorry? What the hell for?
Im sorry youre in so much pain. And she wasnt talking about his back. She was talking about his heart. But then, she expected he knew that. He stared off into space for a long time, lost in his own private hell. And she sat beside him and ached for him with all her heart.
Eventually, he shook himself and took a deep breath. This has turned into the damnedest op. After a moment he added resolutely, Cmon. Lets go.
His strength of will was staggering. How he bore this burden and still managed to put one foot in front of the next, she had no idea. They walked for what felt like forever, until the air was cold enough for her to see her breath in the gathering dusk. It was about the only thing she could see. How John was picking his way through the dense forest undergrowth in this gloom, she hadnt the faintest idea. But his broad back moved steadily in front of her, clearing a way past all obstacles and opening a path of sorts for her.
Twice she thought she felt a faint presence behind her. Both times she considered telling John about it but then decided it was just paranoia kicking in. Both times the sensation went away after a few minutes.
Given the cacophony of unidentified night noises out here, they were far from alone in these mountainous climes. Animals and insects kept up a steady chorus of chirps and squawks and buzzes around them as they marched on through the night. That was undoubtedly what she was hearing. After all, who could possibly manage to follow them through these impossible conditions?
Her watch said it was after 4:00 a.m. when they finally stopped to make camp. While John pitched the tarp, she dug out freeze-dried meals and added salt water to activate a self-heating reaction in the pouches. The combination of calories and something hot in her belly refreshed her, and when they stretched out in their usual position pressed together with her head on his shoulder, sleep eluded her.
After a few minutes, John spoke out of the darkness. Whats on your mind thats keeping you awake?
You.
He sighed. Do we have to get into that again?
No. I was just answering your question.
Silence fell between them.
She was surprised when he actually broke the lull. So what were you thinking about me?
She allowed her palm to slide across his T-shirt and savored the powerful bulge of muscles beneath the soft cotton. I was thinking about what a remarkable man you are, and how little I know about you.
He replied dryly, That must be why you still think Im remarkable.
She smiled against his neck. Youre too modest. If you dont mind my asking, is there anyone waiting for you back on Timbalo Island?
He started beneath her. Hell no! I wouldnt fool around with you if there were anyone else!
Im the one who came on to you. I wouldnt blame you if you had a wife or a girlfriend back home. After all, I plied you with liquor and then stripped down to my thong in front of you.
He lurched beneath her, dumping her on her back and looming over her, propped up on his elbow to stare down at her in the dark. I realize Ive given you very little reason to have a decent opinion of me, but I have my standards. I dont cheat on women-ever. If Im in a relationship, then Im loyal to it. End of discussion.
She reached up to stroke his stubble-roughened cheek. Youre a good man, John Hollister.
He closed his eyes and she thought he leaned into her touch for a moment.
She continued, Why arent you married, or at least involved with someone? You must have women chasing you all over the place.
He chuckled quietly. Funny, but Ive thought the same thing about you. Why hasnt some guy snapped you up long before now?
She shrugged. They see a hot chick thatll look good on their arm and hopefully be wild in the sack. They dont ever see me. Whats your excuse?
He nodded sympathetically and replied deadpan, I know exactly what you mean. Guys pick me up left and right and try to treat me like a trophy girlfriend. I get sick of men just wanting me for my looks.
She burst out laughing and swatted his arm. He continued more soberly, Seriously, my job forces me to travel so much that I cant see asking any woman to wait for me through it all.
Do you plan to do this courier work forever? she asked.
Nah. Im getting too old for the wear and tear of it all.
Do you hope to settle down and have a family when you retire? She asked the question lightly, smoothly, hoping to slip it past him, disguised in the flow of their banter. But, of course, he was far too smart for that.
You misunderstand me, Melina. I have no plans for a future past the next few days. Once weve got this mess with your family sorted out, Im hanging it up for good.
She flinched. Apparently, he meant that literally. The idea of him hanging himself caused her tangible pain. Desperation coursed through her. It wasnt like she could take him by the shoulders and shake some sense into him-he was twice as big and ten times as strong as she was. But there was something she could do to figuratively smack him upside the head.
She looped her arms around his neck. Then why are you wasting all this time talking when you could be making love with me?
That, my dear, is a hell of a good question.
Their mouths merged until the kiss stole her breath away. Their shelter was slightly roomier than the back of the Land Rover, and they were able to stretch out at full length, hence, it was a much easier affair to strip each other of their clothes. The air was cold on her skin, a biting chill that made her tingle even before Johns mouth and hands closed upon her.
The air smelled wet and organic, mixing with the musk of their bodies. Normally, shed be appalled at smelling like shed just come out of the gym, but it seemed appropriate out here. John rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him, no doubt cushioning her body from the hard, cold ground. She captured his erection between her thighs, rubbing herself up and down the smooth shaft. He reached up, grasping both of her breasts in his big hands, rolling the nipples beneath his thumbs suggestively.