I woke up in a barn, Zeke went on, in that same dead voice. And when I did, I couldnt remember anything. I didnt know where I was, or who I was. I just knew...I was starving.
Dread twisted my insides. I suddenly had a horrible suspicion of where this story was going, and wanted to rip Sarren apart for his cruelty. I remembered my first awakening as a newly Turned vamp; the confusion, fear, rage and Hunger that followed, and my mentors patient care in explaining everything. That hadnt happened for Zeke.
I wasnt alone, of course, Zeke continued softly. Sarren had locked me in and barred the door from the outside along with about a half dozen other people. Just simple farmers, women and a couple kids. They werent even armed. He paused, clenching his fists, as if the next memories were more than he could bear. And I...I killed them, Allie. Every single one. I slaughtered them all.
He choked, one hand going to his face, as I fought back tears, as well. Zeke, I managed, knowing I couldnt imagine what he was feeling now, the guilt and utter horror of what hed done. I know it sounds horrible, but...that wasnt you. When were Turned, when we first wake up, we dont know what were doing. The Hunger takes over and we attack the first thing we see. Sarren knew that. You cant blame it on yourself.
No. He whirled on me, his gaze feverish. The desolation on his face made my stomach twist. You dont understand. I remember killing those people. I remember tearing them apart and...and I loved it, Allie. His face screwed up with revulsion and self-loathing. Dont you see? he whispered. Im not like you. Youve fought this thing since the day you were Turned. Ive...already fallen. He blinked, and twin tracks of red slipped down his cheeks. Im a demon, and the sooner I take myself out of this world, the better.
It was very bright now, or it seemed that way to my light-sensitive eyes. I didnt know how much time we had left, but I couldnt leave him here to die alone. Youre not a demon, I pleaded, as my own tears spilled over to join his. Youre just as strong as I am, Zeke. You can fight this. It doesnt have to control you
Im a vampire now! Zeke exploded, his face anguished. More crimson lines coursed down his skin as he gestured violently toward the rising sun. I died, Allison. Im dead! What kind of existence can I expect from now on? Feeding on humans, only coming out at night, constantly fighting to stay in control, to not rip people apart for fun. Living for eternity as a cursed thing? He sobbed. I couldnt answer, because my own throat was filled with tears. Wiping his eyes, Zeke looked up at me, his expression desolate.
My father is dead, he whispered with a hopeless gesture. I cant go back to Eden. My family wont have anything to do with me now that Im a vampire, and I cant ever go near them, because I dont want to put them in danger. Everyone I love will hate and fear me, and they have every right to. He gave another sob, closing his eyes and turning from me. I should have died, he choked out. Back in that lab with Sarren. I wanted to die. Whats keeping me here, Allison? Why should I stay?
Because I love you, you idiot!
He blinked, looking stunned. I slumped, feeling the tears still trickle from my eyes as I looked up at him, beseeching.
That night in the lab, I began in a soft, resigned voice, when you...died...I lost myself for a little while. I almost became the monster you always hated. Shame and guilt rose up once more, mingling with the fear and desperation. Memories of the night I had nearly crossed the line. I thought it would be easier to let go of everything that made me human, to feel nothing. But I didnt let it win, Zeke. Because of you.
Zeke didnt move or look away from me. I met his gaze head-on, uncaring of the red lines down my cheeks or the sudden, instinctive fear of those three words that left me wide open. You told me once I wasnt evil, I said firmly. That I wasnt a demon, and I believed you. I still believe you. I took a careful step forward, so that I was right at the edge of the girder, just a few feet away if I reached for him. And I swear to you, Zeke, Ill help you fight it. Every step of the way. I wont let you become a monster. But you have to trust me now. Please.
The top of the sun broke over the horizon. Faint orange light spilled across the rooftops, and a blinding pain speared me right in the eyes. I hissed, half turning away, feeling the skin on my cheeks, forehead, hands, everywhere that wasnt covered, erupt with pain.
Go back, Zeke choked out, his voice tight with agony. I peeked up and saw him silhouetted against the light, tendrils of smoke beginning to curl from his bare arms. His eyes were anguished as they met mine. Allie, get inside. Leave me.
No. Straightening, I turned to face the sun, feeling the light sizzle across my face. Putting one foot on the beam, I held out a hand, my fingers already red and raw. My tears felt like acid, searing down my cheeks. Im not leaving without you, I said hoarsely. So, you either come with me, or we both burn.
Zeke closed his eyes. For another moment, he stood there, head bowed, fighting with himself. Finally, he let out a sob, a heartbroken, defeated sob...and stepped forward, placing his hand in mine. I pulled him from the edge, hurried to the gaping hole in the roof, and dropped into darkness, as the sun climbed fully over the rooftops and painted everything behind us in orange light.
Chapter 10
I woke the next night starving and momentarily confused. I didnt recognize the room I was in, and there was a body curled next to mine, still as death. Carefully, I levered myself to an elbow and looked around, taking in the small, windowless room. Moldy chairs sat on top of each other along the wall, and boxes of rags covered in dust and cobwebs were stacked in the corners. A huge, once-white dresser stood at the front of the room, the large, square mirror above it now fractured into a dozen pieces.
Then my gaze flickered down to see Zekes pale, unconscious form beside me, and everything from the night before came flooding back.
Hes really here. For a moment, I just watched him, letting relief spread through me like a slow flame, driving away the dark. Last night, Id thought I would have to kill him. Last night, Id experienced the worst moment of my life when hed stood atop that roof, waiting for the sun to end his existence.
But it hadnt. He was here, miraculously back from the dead, technicalities aside. It still didnt seem real, like this was some sort of dream, though vampires didnt dream. Zeke was back. Against all odds, against torture and mind compulsions and death and everything that Sarren had done to him, he was still here. Still alive.
The tricky part would be keeping him that way.
I wont let you become a demon, I swore, gazing down at him. He lay motionless beside me, no slow breaths, no heartbeat, no warmth radiating from his skin. Thankfully, we had both healed from our deadly brush with the sun; no traces of burned flesh remained. Though I remembered looking down at my hand just before I fell asleep, and seeing that the tips of my fingers were black and charred. The memory made me shiver. Id almost died last night, almost let the sun cook me alive, turn me into a smoldering pile of ashes.
Ill do it again, if it means saving you.
Zeke slept on. I put a hand against his cheek, feeling the smooth, cold skin beneath my fingers. He was a corpsea living corpse, like me, but we would deal with this together. I promise, Zeke. You wont become a monster. Ill fight for both of us if I have to, I swear it.
A darkness invaded my thoughts then, the reality of my decision rising up to overshadow everything; Id gone to face Zeke instead of continuing on toward Eden and the insane vampire hell-bent on destroying the world. Of two impossible decisions, Id chosen to turn my back on my survival instincts...and follow my heart. A year ago, Allie the Fringer wouldve done anything to keep living. She wouldve mocked the attachments to the small group I now considered family, encouraged me to sever all ties to protect myself. But I couldnt do that anymore.
I wonder if Kanin ever found Jackal?
Suddenly anxious and feeling a little guilty, I shifted to one knee, closed my eyes, and reached out for my kin.
The instant pulse through our blood tie nearly made me collapse in relief. They were there. Both of them. I felt Kanins presence, strong and steady, and another, fainter tug that had to be Jackal. I didnt know where they were. I didnt know if they were waiting for me outside Old Chicago, or had gone ahead to Eden. I just knew they were alive. That was enough. If anything, the two of them could stop Sarren if I failed.
Theyre all right. I relaxed, slumping back against the wall. Theyre alive. Even Jackal is alive. Were all okay for now. I glanced at Zeke, still dead to the world, knowing he could wake at any moment. Now, we just have to get out of Old Chicago without being pumped full of lead.
The floorboards creaked beside me as Zeke stirred, coming out of sleep, and I tensed. I didnt know what state of mind hed be in when he woke up. If he was teetering on the edge of Blood Frenzy, Id have to stop him from losing it. With his wounds, he had to be just as Hungry as me, and he had less practice in controlling himself.
I desperately hoped that he hadnt woken with a new resolve to meet the sun or to have someone drive a stake through his chest, but the possibility hovered at the edge of my mind, dark and terrifying.
Zeke rose slowly, pushing himself to one elbow, then to his knees. I shifted behind him, not touching, just letting him know I was there, that I was close. But he didnt make any attempt to get up. He wasnt shaking, or crying, or hunched forward in misery. He just knelt there with his hands on his knees, staring at the floor, at nothing.
It wasnt a nightmare, then.
I swallowed. His voice was low, flat. The tone used when youre so numb you cant feel anything anymore. When youve been so cut open from the inside, youve completely bled out, and theres nothing left. Fear twisted my stomach. This was going to be hard. For Zeke, it might be impossible.