When she was nineteen, shed fought this agonizing battle. If anything, her reasons for saying no to everything her heart desired were stronger now. Except that Cam didnt offer everything her heart desired. Whatever passion they mustered between them, there would be a coldness at the center of this marriage arranged purely to appease public opinion.
Pen couldnt live with Cam day after day hungering for his love. Shed seen her mother become a bitter harridan through yearning after a man who didnt return her affection once the first reckless rapture had passed. It was a terrifying example of the price of unrequited love.
With a grim sense of inevitability, she heard Cam padding toward her. Even in borrowed boots, he still moved like a cat.
Pen, look at me.
No. It was childish, but she couldnt bear that concerned stare, as if he only pursued her best interests.
If you wont look at me, will you at least listen?
I dont want to. More childishness.
I wont give up. I wont have the world calling you vile names.
That had her turning. You could convince a spider to weave you a shirt, but you wont change my mind.
At least youre looking at me, he said calmly.
I wont marry you.
So youll let me become a public laughingstock?
Oh, he was cruel. Her throat felt dry and tight. That wont happen.
If not a laughingstock, then a byword for villainy. A man who ruins a childhood friend and abandons her to face her disgrace alone.
Nobody who knows you will believe that.
A muscle flickered in his cheek. She couldnt doubt how deeply he wanted to save her, even at the sacrifice of all his hopes for a different life. But its true.
Youre exaggerating.
No, Im not. Your reputation will be in shreds. And its my fault.
His remorse on her behalf stripped another layer from her defenses. She felt like she waged a losing rearguard action. We didnt do anything wrong.
His level stare stirred unwelcome memories of their kisses. Not for want of trying.
Mortifying heat rose in her cheeks even as her temper stirred. If you recall, that encounter was an absolute shambles. Instead of proposing marriage, any sane man would run for the hills.
You were right to hit me. She supposed that was the closest hed come to an apology. Pardon my frankness, but there was no lack of heat between us.
Thats no basis for marriage, she snapped and caught a flash of satisfaction in his eyes at her unwitting admission.
How could she marry him, loving him and knowing that hed never love her? He hadnt changed from that young man who had dismissed love so contemptuously in her hearing. She just needed to remember his reaction when shed asked if he loved Lady Marianne to recognize that Camden Rothermere was as set against love as hed ever been.
Pen was a passionate creature who when she cared, cared wholeheartedly. A lifetime pining after an unattainable man who remained a hands reach away would destroy her. Shed be like a dog choking on a chain too short to reach the water bowl.
Its a start. He stepped closer, making her aware of his height and strength. His evocative scent filled her nostrils. Desire is on our side.
Desire is on your side, she corrected sharply. Im trying to be sensible.
The affection in his smile knocked a few more bricks off the walls of her refusal. No, youre trying to be obstinate.
Oh, dear God, she was so susceptible. The slightest warmth from Cam and she wanted to curl up at his feet and beg for his love. That humiliating image made her scowl down her nose in her best imitation of his imperious glare. I refuse to marry a man who wont take me seriously.
To her complete astonishment, he burst out laughing. My sweet Pen, I take you as seriously as an epidemic.
She didnt smile. Charming.
The time he took to sober didnt advance his cause. Fate seems set on us marrying. Nine years ago, you escaped. You wont escape now.
This isnt cosmic destinies colliding. Its you wanting your own way, she said sourly.
She understood that he found her implacable opposition puzzling. After those torrid moments in the cabin, he knew she wanted him. He could cope with desire. Her love would horrify him. If she could suffer his pity, she supposed she could confess her feelings to drive him away. But she and Cam were both proud beyond bearing. His pity would be the last straw.
We have more than physical attraction.
What? Childhood memories?
Yes, he said steadily. You know me so well, despite our long separation. I think well go along very well together. Producing an heir wont be a hardship. He paused. And you dont expect any lovesick romantic nonsense from me, which will give us a good start. I like you, Pen. I always have. I distinctly remember telling you that I liked you better than any girl I knew.
Oh, heaven lend her strength. She supposed he meant to flatter her. To her, the lukewarm declaration twisted a knife in an open wound. How hed cringe if he knew that romantic nonsense powered her every breath. That was nine years ago.
You remember?
She remembered everything hed ever said to her. That was just another curse of this futile, painful love. I remember you wanted a conformable wife.
His laugh was wry. Long ago, shed recognized that he didnt laugh enough, weighed down even as a boy with old scandal, an unhappy family, and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. The overdeveloped sense of responsibility hadnt faded. Why else would he be so set on marrying her?
I know when Im beaten. Conformable is no longer part of the deal.
A wave of her hand dismissed his response. Cam, you talk about the Rothermere scandals. What about the Thornes? Weve become more ramshackle with every year since you proposed, and we were no shining example of respectability even then. My father ruined himself chasing whores. Aunt Isabel was decidedly eccentric. Peter died in penury. From what I gather, Harry plays the rake. I cant imagine the ton approves of my junketing. Even though the words pierced like darts, she forced herself to say them. Far better you weather the gossip and make your peace with Lady Marianne. You need a duchess to enhance your name, who meets general approval, who fits the neat, useful, proper life you want.
This description left him less than delighted. How dull I sound.
Her fight drained away. Instead she felt deathly weary, as though shed walked twenty miles in ill-fitting shoes and found no welcome at journeys end. Not dull, Cam, just not for me. In so many ways that she could never explain. Confess everything to Lady Marianne. If shes the woman you think she is, shell stand by you. Marry your perfect bride and forget me.
No, he said stubbornly. We must marry.
Dont you like Lady Marianne? It hurt to say the womans name. Pen wondered if shed ever overcome the excruciating wrench of knowing that Lady Marianne would be with him every day; shed bear his children, shed accompany him into old age.
Of course I like Marianne. Shes a paragon.
Naturally. If Pen married Cam, shed always know she was his second-best bride. Ill never be a paragon, even if you sacrifice your happiness to save me from social ruin.
His expression hardened. Im not saving you from social ruin, Im saving myself. Everything Ive worked for since I was a boy will turn to dust if I dont make this right. I beg of you, Pen, marry me. Only you can rescue me.
Oh, the villain, the scoundrel, the cad. At this moment, she hated him.
She stared at him, telling herself she wouldnt cry. Cam, its mean to play upon old obligations.
He shrugged. Youre my only hope of emerging with my reputation intact. A man with one hope doesnt surrender lightly.
She backed away as if distance would bolster her resistance. Youre inviting years of misery.
The tension eased from his face, leaving him somber but adamant. Ill live with that.
Im not sure I can.
He paled and she was shocked to see that she hurt him. Ill do my best to make you happy, Pen.
In a low, trembling voice, she repeated, Its not enough.
He didnt pursue her. He didnt have to. He knew hed won. It must be.
Well, that was an epitaph for a marriage if she ever heard one. Harshly, because the grief ahead loomed like jagged mountains, she asked, Even if we marry, I dont see how well avoid scandal.
Thats easy.
His confidence didnt soothe the dread stamping around inside her stomach. It always is for you.
He winced at her jibe. Not always. Youve made me wait nearly ten years.
He winced at her jibe. Not always. Youve made me wait nearly ten years.
Dont count your chickens, she said sharply, although they both recognized that she argued for prides sake. While the world thinks were married, were not. If anyone learns the truth, our children will be exposed as bastards.
The thought of creating those children made her sick with apprehension, although this marriage could never have been a chaste arrangement. Cam needed an heir. Given the gossip about his birth, hed countenance no doubts about that heirs legitimacy.
But how could she lie in his arms and know that duty alone brought him there? How could she lie in his arms and pretend mere liking when every beat of her heart echoed his name?
Credit me with some sense, he said equally sharply. Well say we fell madly in love in Italy and married in a Roman Catholic ceremony in some obscure village because we couldnt bear to wait.
How romantic, she said flatly.
He ignored her interjection. Well arrange a quiet ceremony at Fentonwyck to confirm our marriage under English law. Youre in mourning for Peter so nobody will question a quick, private wedding.
Thats interesting. Actually it was brilliant. If Cam wasnt playing skittles with her life, she might applaud. The sticklers will question the validity of the Continental ceremony.
He shrugged. Most people will accept our story, especially once our first child arrives.
She raised her eyebrows. Just how many children are you planning, Your Grace?
Mockery curled his lips. The prospect of fatherhood makes me feel quite dynastic.
It makes me feel ill, she snapped.
The amusement drained from his eyes and he regarded her searchingly. Pen, Im sorry. I know this isnt what you want. If I hadnt barged into your life, youd still be free.