He dabbed at his eye with the cuff of his sleeve. He felt terrible. His stomach was rollercoastering.
Jim!
Like a voice in his head. Ronny started and glanced up in alarm. As if by sorcery, the other Ronny had rematerialized next to him.
Pardon?
A gift. From me. In exchange for the watch.
I dont get it.
A new name. Jim. It came to me in a flash.
Ronny laughed nervously. I dont need a new name.
The other Ronny was visibly galled. Big Ron is dead, he said, matter-of-factly, so why not bury him?
Ronny was surprised. He was confounded. But above all he had the strong feeling that it was ill-mannered to reject a gift so freely given.
Jims a nice name, he said gently, but I dont ever hide from things.
Youve got nothing to hide from, the other Ronny insisted, as though he really understood everything. You have an honest face. I have an instinct for honesty. In faces.
Ronny was taken by surprise. He was quiet for a while. The other Ronny misconstrued his silence. He decided that it might be best to return to his island. He took a few steps back. He never pushed things. He was a piece of chaff. A dandelion seed. He floated and landed, floated and landed.
He took several more steps. The wind was behind him. A gust of it touched him and defined his outline against the streetlights and the headlights.
Ronny took it all in and felt his gullet fracture. This man was a streak of piss, a twig, a little foal. He was one small knot in an endless scrag of string.
If you want to do me a favour his mouth said his eyes showing the shock of it I mean if you want to repay me for the watch then you could drive me home. My eyes sore and I feel nauseous. Im in a hurry to get the car back. You said you knew someone in Sheppey
You.
Ronny frowned. What?
Youre the person I know in Sheppey.
But we only just met.
The other Ronny cleared his throat. Same people, he said, different lives.
Ronny smiled, but thinly. I certainly hope that isnt true.
He meant it. He believed that each person could only lead one life. He sensed that nothing in him could be different from how it was. He was a closed book. His pages were permanently meshed together.
I live in a beach house, he said eventually. I have extra blankets.
The other Ronny stood and considered his offer.
I have no drivers licence, he said finally.
Me neither. Ronny tried to appear indifferent, but suddenly this mattered to him so badly.
Its a Volvo, he said cheerfully, and they have big bumpers.
The other Ronny still seemed uncertain.
Theres the beach, Ronny said, scrabbling for incentives, and a natural wildlife reserve with owls and hunting birds
Still the other Ronny hesitated.
And rabbitsI mean unusual rabbits. Jet black ones. Wild. Its a strange place, flat and empty like the surface of the moon.
And the sea? the other Ronny said, teetering.
Yes.
The other Ronny scratched his right arm with his left hand. Fine, he announced, but heres the hitch
Ronny nodded, ready for any eventuality.
Youll have to change gear. I dont use my right hand.
OK.
Ronny never yearned for anything. Not any more. Although at one stage in his life hed discovered a worrying talent for persuasion. Persuasion had become a weakness with him. A sickness. Once hed set his sights on something he seemed to yearn for it with an almost obscene fervour. Often things he hadnt even known hed wanted. Those were the worst.
Hed convinced himself that those times were pretty much behind him. This was a blip.
And the second thing the other Ronny was eerily emphatic, youre Jim or I dont come.
Jim.
Thats my gift.
You call me Jim.
No. You call yourself Jim and you mean it.
Jim.
Ronny felt a wave of euphoria, like he was lodged in a tiny dinghy and hed just pushed himself adrift. He was floating. He could leave things behind him. Then it cut off. The euphoria. Just like that. He clambered over to the passenger side.
Jim.
Ronny felt a wave of euphoria, like he was lodged in a tiny dinghy and hed just pushed himself adrift. He was floating. He could leave things behind him. Then it cut off. The euphoria. Just like that. He clambered over to the passenger side.
The other Ronny climbed in. He slammed the door shut, he felt for the pedals and then for the knob to adjust the position of his seat. He found it. He pushed himself back, but only slightly. He turned the ignition. The engine whinnied and then rumbled.
Get the gears, Jim.
He carefully adjusted his rear-view mirror. Jim said nothing. He wiped his eye, sniffed once, and then calmly stuck the gears into reverse.
Six
Nathan told Margery before shed even had the chance to sit down.
I saw James this morning.
Margery hadnt had an easy day. One of her clients was in court pleading guilty to a charge of fratricide. Another client, a child, had been taken into care after trying to burn down his grandmothers house. And then shed spent the remainder of her afternoon unsuccessfully trying to communicate with a young girl whod become voluntarily mute after witnessing her sisters death in a road traffic accident. It was grim.
James who?
Jim. Jimmy.
They were in Nathans flat in Stamford Hill. Above a bakery. Margery lived in Bethnal Green. Next to Tescos.
Jim? She turned to look at him. So why didnt you call me?
Nathan scratched his head. When I threatened to he ran off. There seemed no point once hed gone.
Margery had lit a cigarette. Nathan didnt smoke. She inhaled and then pulled a smidgen of loose tobacco from the tip of her tongue.
So you simply didnt bother ringing at all.
Im sorry.
Margery grimaced. To hell with being sorry, Nathan. Did he say where he was going? Did he say where hed been?
No.
Then what was he after?
He wanted a watch.
Margery inspected Nathans wrist.
And you gave him yours.
Yes.
And he didnt say where he was living?
Nathan paused. When I asked he said that he was going to Manchester.
Manchester? Margery was bemused. Why Manchester?
I dont know. Perhaps it was just a whim.
Margery threw herself down on to the sofa next to Nathan. I wish to God you hadnt given him your watch, Nathan.
I know. I know.
Nathan felt ashamed but he didnt want a lecture.
Im not being nasty, Margery continued, but its a real weakness on your part.
I realize that now. And Im sorry. I just feltI felt pity for him. He was very thin. I thought he might sell it in exchange for food or something.
Please.
Margery stubbed out her cigarette with a ferocious thrust. It hadnt made her feel any better. Her lips were burning, for some reason.
Quite unexpectedly, Nathan began crying. He didnt sob or sniff but tears flowed silently down both of his cheeks. Margery scowled. She was unmoved by tears. Shed seen too many over the years. Tears were a part of her job, after all, a part of her life. Tears were an excuse. A mechanism for delay. She felt in her pocket for a tissue. She had none. She felt in Nathans pocket. She drew out a ball of paper. She unfolded it.
You were going to show me this, I suppose?
What? Nathan turned and saw the square of paper. He wiped his eyes. What is it?
Hes signed this request form Ronny. Did you see?
Nathan shook his head. I didnt see. I didnt read it.
And under Address hes written
The handwriting was so poor that she couldnt decipher it. ShelbyShelWell certainly not Manchester.
Nathan was feeling raw and puny and defensive. He told me Manchester. I have no reason to lie about that.
Margery rubbed her eyes with her hand. A smear of mascara settled on her forehead above her left eyebrow. Nathan stared at it.
You know
She was exhausted and demoralized. Its at moments like this that I begin to wonderI mean by rights I have an obligation to contact the authorities.
Nathan took the slip of paper. He could see that the word written under Home Address was Sheppey. Margery watched him. Can you read it?
Uh he swallowed, uhno.
She sighed. I just wish you hadnt given him your watch. If something happens to him and they find your watch
Nathan felt his wrist. I hated that watch, he said.
Margery relaxed her head on to the back of the sofa. Im too tired for this, she mumbled.
Nathan nodded. Im tired too, but I felt I should tell you.
Margery ignored him.
And he did say Manchester, Nathan repeated, regretting that he had confided in her now and abandoning all previous ideas about honesty being the best policy. He pushed himself up. Ill make a start on dinner.
He went into the kitchen.
Margery pulled her aching legs on to the sofa. She closed her eyes. Her body relaxed but her mind wheeled on in full throttle. She was implicated. She hated that feeling. It was a compromise and she hated compromises. She was hardened. She knew it. And it was a nasty thing to know about yourself.
Her father had been a doctor. Her mother had been a midwife. Two strong service traditions. Caring was just another mechanical gambit shed learned about in tandem with tying her laces. It was an inconvenience, sometimes. When Daddy had to make a house call on Christmas day. When his dinner went cold. And it was probably only some stupid old woman who was stuck on her own and had no one to talk to. But he took it for granted. They all did.
Margery was disgusted by weakness but equally disgusted by her own disgust. Shed been married, a man she met at university. Hed studied engineering. He was ambitious. It hadnt lasted. It had lacked something. Compassion? Should a marriage be compassionate? Divorce. Then shed floundered. And finally shed met Nathan.
It was on the job. A routine investigation into allegations of misconduct at a childrens home in the London borough of Brent. There she met James, who was Jimmy, who was Ronny. He was a lost boy. Like in Peter Pan. A little lost boy. Nobody loved him. Nobody wanted him. But he was looking for love and in all the wrong places. He was vulnerable.
Hed had this habit of losing things. He didnt have much, but what he had he lost. On the way to school hed drop his books. Hed leave his lunch on the Tube. Hed take off his coat and he wouldnt pick it up. As if he was a snake and just shedding skins.
Then hed begun making claims. Hed go and make a claim and hed hope to get something back that wasnt his. Something interesting that had a life, a meaning, elsewhere. Something distinct. Something whole.