In some respects Im afraid that he is.
No, I dont think he is. If what he was before is cancelled out washed away, then he might just as well come back to us as oh I dont know, a South Sea Islander, or a German or a man from Mars or something.
I see your point. I do, really. Ah, here is the tea.
Thank you. So it isnt that he has lost his memory. He is still who he was. He just doesnt remember me. And the children.
He says he doesnt remember anything at all. Not his childhood. Nor his parents. Nothing.
Yet, Doctor Y, when you say to him, Do you remember your childhood, he says, No, I dont remember my childhood. He doesnt say oh I dont know, Gobbledegook, or Worra worra worra worra. Oh I wasnt making a joke, I assure you. Im very far from making jokes. Oh, God, I know it is stupid to cry.
Mrs. Watkins, would you like to see him again that is, if he agrees. It might help.
If who agrees?
Yes, I do see your point. But dont you see, Im as much in the dark as you are. More. You know him well and I dont. If you talked to him again, let him get used to and dont mind my saying this, if you try not to cry
Doctor, I took his hand, and hes my husband, remember, and he looked as if he looked like a man that a woman is flirting with and hes not sure he likes it.
Look, my dear. Im going to make a suggestion. You have another cup of tea and a cigarette. Wash your face theres a washbasin in there. Im going to ask him to talk to you again. But dont come in if you cant stop yourself crying. Do you understand why? If you are very emotional, it may have the effect of blocking him try and be easy and relaxed, and things may come back.
Ill try, doctor.
Well, Charles, I talked to Doctor Y.
Yes.
I like him.
I can see him.
See him?
Some you cant see at all.
Oh, yes
I didnt understand that, its no good pretending I did. But I want to ask you something. This is hard for me Charles. Please dont be angry.
I dont think Ive felt anger yet. I havent felt. But I can see emotions on your face and on the faces of the doctors and nurses.
But you asked me to go away. What did you feel then?
I felt, not that all over again, not that again.
What?
You asked me what I felt. That is what I felt if that is feeling. I didnt want that. I dont want that, you see.
Now Charles, Im very calm, and Im not crying at all. But I want you to look at me, and answer me. When you see me sitting here, am I just the same to you as oh I dont know, the nurses, or the doctors?
The same?
I mean, dont you know me any better?
I know you, I know you very well.
You dooh, then.
I know them too. Looking is knowing.
Oh, I see.
You are all very
Very what?
You are all so large. Very bright. Very hot and bright.
You press on my eyeballs. You press into my eyes. It is too much.
Are you afraid of me, Charles?
Your anger
Charles, when you say you dont remember anything, do you mean that? Not me, nor your children, nor your home?Not your mother and your father? You were fond of your father, Charles, very fond, dont you remember?
My mind is full of memories,
Oh you dobut the doctors say
I dont remember the things you talk about.
What do you remember then?Charles?You dont answer Tell me, what you remember might link up somewhere with the truth.
Truth is a funny word, isnt it?
Oh, Charles, you never used to be philosophical!
Philosophical? Whats
Why is it that some words you know quite well, and others you look blank?
Ill tell you, if you like. Some words match. A word falls out of your mouth and matches with something I know. Other words dont fit in with what I can see.
But what do you see? Charles? Tell me?.
Felicity you talk to me. Tell me what you think. Tell me what you know. You are my wife? Well then, tell me about that.
Charles! Very well, then. Ill try. We were married in London, Kensington Registry Office. In February. It was 1954. It was a very cold day. Then we went to a farm in Wales for our honeymoon. We didnt have very much money. We were there for three weeks. We were very happy Charles? Shall I go on? We went to a flat in Cambridge after that. Later we got a house. I started with Jimmy in Wales. Jimmy is our elder son. We have been very happy.
Why are you so much younger than I am?
But well, you fell in love with me, Charles.
And Im not surprised.
Charles, for Gods sake, dont flirt with me, I cant stand it. Im your wife.
Im sorry.
You were worried, you said fifteen years was too much. But I said nonsense, and I was right, it hasnt made any difference at all. I was one of your students.
Oh yes, they keep telling me I teach. Teach. Thats a funny word
Do you want me to go on?I think Ill go now, if you dont mind, Charles. Do you want me to come back? I dont mean tomorrow, because Aunt Rose is with the boys and she has to go back to stay with Aunt Anna, because Aunt Anna isnt very well, she has her bronchitis back again, and of course I cant leave the boys alone, but I could come back in four or five days if I can get Mrs. Spence to come and stay a couple of days. Ill ring the Doctor. Goodbye Charles.
Mrs. Watkins spent an hour with patient today. She says he did not remember her at all. In my view the visit was helpful to patient and should be repeated soon.
DOCTOR Y.
I disagree. E.C.T. should be attempted.
DOCTOR X.
Patient had a very disturbed night with recurrence of hallucinations. Have put him back on Equanil.
DOCTOR Y.
DEAR DOCTOR Y,
You asked me in your first letter if I could remember anything at all in my marriage that seemed to me strange at the time. I dont think I know any longer what strange is not after seeing Charles in this state. But Im sending you, after lying awake all night to think it over carefully, the first letter my husband sent me. I did think it very strange then, because he had not said anything about loving me before, although I had been his pupil for seven and a half months. I was only eighteen then. I didnt think it was strange later, when I agreed to marry him, but perhaps I had got used to him. I dont know if you would think it a strange letter. The circumstances of the letter were that I had never thought of him like that. I admired him very much of course. One afternoon after a class he took me to tea and he talked. I thought his manner was rather strange, but then falling in love is strange. When I got his letter I didnt know what to think, particularly as I began to be so happy and proud. And then later, when we agreed to marry, I forgot about thinking him strange, and even now I dont know what to think. Please send me the letter back when you have read it. It is one of my most precious possessions.
Yours sincerely,
FELICITY WATKINS
Oh my God Felicity, I havent slept since I saw you Yesterday? I dont know I keep seeing your face your hair is too bright for my eyes. It was your hair first I always look for your head shining in the dark class You are a light in a naughty world yes and it is enough to look touching too? That would be too much joy And yet if I can look touching could be too for both of us? How dare I think it and yet yesterday with you I knew differently you too I didnt sleep I am old Felicity thirty-five. You, eighteen? A baby! But girls have no age they shine in dark corners if you could I keep thinking of you in a big forest somewhere with the sunlight coming down through branches and you and your bright shining head and you smiling at me smiling will you? oh I dont know if I wonder if I will post this at all it is one thing sitting here putting words on a paper and your thoughts rushing by fifty at least to a word so what is the use of sending it if I cant send the thoughts one in fifty so much diluted is it worth your attention even? I wonder you could take the word for the I love you. Yes, that is it, I know you would never keep me a pig in your pen no, Im sure. She had bright yellow hair and blue eyes too, she must have had but it is the soul that counts. Not like that dark one, black hair and white teeth and red lips those are the colours for pig-keepers. And in war time too The light and the dark of it. But the yellow-hair locked him in her pen and fed him husks. Later a fatted calf? But I dont dare Yes. Would you Ive never dared, Ive been alone for fear of that. She died, and so could never lock me in her stye. Must I be afraid of you? Felicity Felicity Felicity Felicity you have a name like bright sunlight to match your hair. If I see you smile tomorrow Ill know. I love you. Felicity Felicity Felicity Felicity Felicity Felicity Felicity
DEAR DOCTOR Y,
I cant say how distressed I am to hear that Charles Watkins is ill and in hospital in your care. Yes, of course I shall be only too glad to help in any way I can. As it happens I heard about his illness when I returned from Italy last night, and my wife telephoned Felicity Watkins.
No, I dont think that Charles showed any unusual signs of stress or strain this year but he is not the sort of person one would take much notice of, if he did overshoot any marks, but I cannot, I am afraid, explain that without going into considerable detail about our relationship. Which is not, far from it, that I am his superiordid Felicity Watkins say I was? If so, then I regard that as painfully and sadly significant not because of Felicity but because of Charles. He is, and has been since he joined us, the star of our Classics Department, even when I was nominally over him, and in theory Head of Department. I hope that doesnt sound like a criticism. Letters are tricky things, and I certainly would have preferred to talk it over with you, but the term starts tomorrow and, alas, needs must.
I dont know if this sort of comment is in any way helpful, but recently I sat down to write out an account of my own life, a sort of balance sheet. It seemed a useful thing to do, at the age of fifty, well past the halfway mark. But when I came to read it over, it was more about Charles Watkins than about myself. I have always been aware of the influence Charles has had on me, but not, perhaps, quite how much. Of course, all this sort of thing is beyond me, and particularly when it gets into deep waters with mental breakdowns, that sort of thing, but the essence of the thing from my point of view is this: that I have never liked Charles. I believe that I dont admire him, or approve of him. Yet he has certainly been the biggest influence on my life.