“I don’t quite understand you,” Alice said, as politely as she could.
“Well, you know, we quarreled with Time last March – just before HE went mad – ” (pointing at the March Hare,) “ – it was at the great concert given by the Queen of Hearts where I had to sing.[114] I hadn’t finished the first part of the song when the Queen shouted: “He’s murdering the time! Off with his head![115]”
“Oh, how cruel!” exclaimed Alice.
“And since that,” the Hatter went on sadly, “it’s always six o’clock now.”
A bright idea came into Alice’s head. “Is that why so many tea-things are here?” she asked.
“Yes, that’s it,” said the Hatter with a sigh: “it’s always tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things.”
“Then you move round all the time, I suppose?” said Alice.
“Exactly so,” said the Hatter.
“But what happens when you come to the beginning again?” Alice decided to ask.
“Let’s change the subject,” the March Hare yawned. “I think the lady will tell us a story.”
“I’m afraid I don’t know any,” said Alice.
“Then take some more tea,” the March Hare told Alice very seriously.
“I’ve had no tea yet,[116]” Alice replied in an offended tone, “so I can’t take more.”
“You mean you can’t take LESS,” said the Hatter: “it’s very easy to take MORE than nothing.”
Alice helped herself to some tea and bread-and-butter.[117]
“I want a clean cup,” suddenly said the Hatter: “let’s all move one place on.[118]”
He moved on, and the Dormouse moved on too: the March Hare moved into the Dormouse’s place, and Alice unwillingly took the place of the March Hare. But only the Hatter had a clean cup. Alice got the plate and the cup after the March Hare.
She didn’t like it at all, so she stood up, and walked away; the Dormouse fell asleep, and nobody called her back. When she turned to look at them she saw that they were trying to put the Dormouse into the teapot.
“I’ll never go THERE again!” said Alice as she was walking through the wood. “It’s the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!”
Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door in it. “That’s very curious!” she thought. “But everything’s curious today. I think I will go in at once.” And she went in.
Once more she was in the long hall, and near the little glass table. “I’ll do better this time,” she said to herself, and first took the little golden key and unlocked the door into the garden. Then she nibbled at the mushroom a few times (a piece of it was in her pocket) till she was about a foot high: then she walked down the little corridor behind the door: and THEN – at last she was in the beautiful garden, among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.
Chapter 8. The Queen’s Croquet-Ground
A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses were white, but there were three gardeners painting them red. Alice thought this was very curious, and she went nearer to watch them. They were quarrelling. Suddenly one of the gardeners noticed Alice who was standing and watching them. The others saw her too and all of them bowed low.
“Would you tell me,[119]” said Alice, a little timidly, “why you are painting those roses?”
One of the gardeners whose name was Two[120] explained: “It must be a RED rose-tree but we planted a white rose-tree by mistake. If the Queen knows about it we will all have our heads cut off.[121] So we are doing what we can before she comes…” At this moment the gardener whose name was Five cried: “The Queen! The Queen!” and the three gardeners fell down onto the ground. Alice heard the sound of many footsteps and looked round to see the Queen.
First came ten soldiers who looked like the three gardeners, with their hands and feet at the corners; next were the ten courtiers ornamented with diamonds. Then came ten royal children; they were all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognised the White Rabbit: it didn’t notice her. Then followed the Knave of Hearts,[122] carrying the King’s crown on a cushion; and last came THE KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS.
Alice stood still and waited. When the procession came near her, they all stopped and looked at her.
“What’s your name, child?” the Queen asked turning to Alice.
“My name is Alice, your Majesty,” said Alice very politely. And she added to herself, “They’re only a pack of cards. It’s stupid to be afraid of them!”
“And who are THESE?” said the Queen, pointing at the three gardeners lying round the rose-tree.
“How can I know?” said Alice, surprised at her own courage. “It’s no business of MINE.[123]”
The Queen became red with anger and screamed “Off with her head! Off – ”
“Nonsense!” said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent.
The King put his hand upon her arm, and timidly said “My dear, she is only a child!”
“Can you play croquet?[124]” the Queen shouted her question after a pause.
The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice, as the question was for her.
“Yes!” Alice shouted back.
“Come on, then!” shouted the Queen, and Alice joined the procession.
“It’s – it’s a very fine day!” said a timid voice near her. She was walking near the White Rabbit, who was looking anxiously into her face.
“Very,” said Alice: “ – where’s the Duchess?”
“Hush! Hush![125]” said the Rabbit in a low tone. He looked anxiously around and whispered into Alice’s ear “She will be executed.[126]”
“What for?” said Alice.
“Did you say “What a pity!”?” the Rabbit asked.
“No, I didn’t,” said Alice: “I don’t think it’s a pity. I said “What for?””
“She boxed the Queen’s ears[127] – ” the Rabbit began. Alice laughed. “Oh, hush!” the Rabbit whispered in a frightened tone. “The Queen will hear you! You see, she came late, and the Queen said – ”
“Get to your places!” shouted the Queen very loudly and the game began. Alice had never seen such a curious croquet-ground in her life: the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes and the arches were made of soldiers.
The main difficulty for Alice was to[128] use her flamingo: when she was going to hit the hedgehog with its head, it looked up in her face with such a puzzled expression that she began laughing; when she was ready to begin again the hedgehog was crawling away. So Alice soon came to the conclusion that it was really a very difficult game.
The players all played at once without waiting for each other, quarrelling all the time, and fighting for the hedgehogs; very soon the Queen became furious and shouted “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” every minute.
Alice began thinking how to get away. Suddenly she noticed something curious in the air. Soon she understood it was a grin of the Cheshire Cat.
“How are you getting on?[129]” said the Cat as soon as his mouth appeared.
Alice waited till the whole head appeared, put down her flamingo, and began to tell the Cat about the game. The Cat probably thought a head was enough, so no more of him appeared.[130]
“How do you like the Queen?” said the Cat in a low voice.
“Not at all,” said Alice: “she’s so – ” Just then she noticed that the Queen was behind her, listening: so she went on, “ – likely to win,[131] that it’s not interesting to finish the game.”
The Queen smiled and moved on.
“Who ARE you talking to?” said the King, coming up to Alice, and looking at the Cat’s head with great curiosity.
“It’s a friend of mine[132] – a Cheshire Cat,” said Alice: “allow me to introduce it.”
“I don’t like the look of it,” said the King: “however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.”
“I don’t,” the Cat remarked.
“Don’t be rude,” said the King, “and don’t look at me like that!” He stood behind Alice as he spoke.
“A cat may look at a king,[133]” said Alice. “I’ve read that in some book, but I don’t remember where.”
“Well, it must be removed,[134]” said the King very decidedly and called the Queen.
The Queen knew only one way. “Off with his head!” she said, without even looking.
“I’ll bring the executioner myself,” said the King, and hurried away.
Alice decided to go back and watch the game. When she caught her flamingo there were no hedgehogs or arches around. So she went back to talk with her friend a little more.
When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was surprised to see a large crowd around him.
Alice could only say “He belongs to the Duchess: ask HER about him.”
“She’s in prison,” the Queen said to the executioner: “bring her here.” And the executioner went off.
At that moment the Cat’s head began fading away[135] and when the executioner was back with the Duchess, it had disappeared completely.
So the King and the executioner began looking for it while all the others went back to the game.
Chapter 9. The Mock Turtle’s Story
“You can’t imagine how glad I am to see you again, my dear!” said the Duchess when she and Alice walked off together.
Alice was very glad to see her so pleasant, and she thought to herself that perhaps only the pepper had made her so angry when they met in the kitchen.
“When I’M a Duchess,[136]” she said to herself, (but not in a very hopeful tone), “I won’t have any pepper in my kitchen AT ALL. Soup is good without it.”
She quite forgot about the Duchess, and was a little frightened when she heard her voice close to her ear. “You’re thinking about something, my dear, and you forget to talk.”
Alice did not like very much to be so close to the Duchess: first, because the Duchess was VERY ugly; and secondly, because she put her chin on Alice’s shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she didn’t say anything.
“Are you wondering why I don’t put my arm round your waist,” the Duchess said after a pause: “the reason is, I’m afraid of your flamingo.”
“HE can bite,” Alice replied.
“Very true,” said the Duchess: “flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is – ‘Birds of a feather flock together.[137]’”
“But mustard isn’t a bird,” Alice remarked.
“Right, as usual,” said the Duchess.
“It’s a mineral, I THINK,” said Alice.
“Of course it is,” said the Duchess, who agreed to everything that Alice said; “there’s a large mustard-mine near here. And the moral of that is – ”
“Oh, I know!” exclaimed Alice, who wasn’t listening, “it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like a vegetable, but it is.”
“I quite agree with you,” said the Duchess; “and the moral of that is – ”
But here, to Alice’s great surprise, the Duchess suddenly stopped talking and her arm began to tremble. Alice looked up and saw the Queen who was standing in front of them and frowning like a thunderstorm.
“A fine day, your Majesty!” the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.
“Now, you may choose,” shouted the Queen; “either you or your head must be off,[138] and immediately! Take your choice!”
The Duchess took her choice, and in a moment she was gone.[139]
“Let’s go on with the game,” the Queen said to Alice; Alice was too frightened to say a word, so she slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.
Without the Queen the other guests were having a rest: however, when they saw her, they hurried back to the game, because the delay could cost them their lives.
The game continued but as the Queen often shouted her favourite: “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” very soon all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were under arrest.
Then the Queen said to Alice, “Have you seen the Mock Turtle[140] yet?”
“No,” said Alice. “I don’t even know what a Mock Turtle is.”
“It’s the thing what Mock Turtle Soup[141] is made from,” said the Queen.
“I never saw one, or heard of one,” said Alice.
“Come on, then,” said the Queen, “and he will tell you his history,”
As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice, to the company, “You are all pardoned.[142]” “THAT’S a good thing!” she said to herself.
Very soon they came to a Gryphon.[143] “Take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back,” the Queen said and Alice was left alone with the Gryphon. She did not quite like the look of the creature, so she waited.
The Gryphon watched the Queen and when she was out of sight it chuckled. “What fun!” said the Gryphon.
“What IS the fun?” said Alice.
“Well, SHE,” said the Gryphon. “they never execute anybody, you know. Come on!”
When they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, he was sitting sad and lonely and, as they came nearer, Alice heard that he was sighing as if his heart would break.[144] She pitied him deeply. “What is his sorrow?” she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, “Well, he hasn’t got any sorrow, you know. Come on!”
So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.
“This young lady,” said the Gryphon, “wants to know your history.”
“I’ll tell it to her,” said the Mock Turtle: “sit down, both of you, and don’t speak a word till I’ve finished.” So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself, “I don’t see how he can EVEN finish, if he doesn’t begin.” But she waited patiently.
“Once,” said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, “I was a real Turtle.”
“When we were little,” the Mock Turtle went on after a very long pause, “we went to school in the sea. We had the best teachers – in fact, we went to school every day – ”
“I’VE been to a day-school, too,” said Alice. “We learned French and music as extras.[145]”
“And washing?” asked the Mock Turtle.
“Certainly not!” said Alice indignantly.
“Ah! Then your school wasn’t a really good school,” said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief.
“I couldn’t afford[146] to learn washing.” said the Mock Turtle with a sigh.
“Then what did you learn?” asked Alice.
“Well, there was Mystery,[147]” the Mock Turtle replied, “ – Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography.[148] An old master taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.[149]”
“What was THAT like?” said Alice.
“Well, I can’t show it you myself,” the Mock Turtle said: “I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.”
“Had no time,” said the Gryphon.
“And how many hours a day did you have lessons?” said Alice.
“Ten hours the first day,” said the Mock Turtle: “nine the next, and so on.”
“What a curious plan!” exclaimed Alice.
“That’s the reason why they’re called lessons,” the Gryphon remarked: “because they lessen[150] from day to day.”
This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over[151] a little before asking “Then was the eleventh day a holiday?”
“Of course it was,” said the Mock Turtle.
“And what was on the twelfth?” Alice went on eagerly.
“That’s enough about lessons,” the Gryphon interrupted, “tell her something about the games now.”
Chapter 10. The Lobster Quadrille
The Mock Turtle sighed deeply again. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two he couldn’t. At last the Mock Turtle went on with tears running down his cheeks.
“You have not lived much under the sea, so you have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!” said the Mock Turtle.
“It must be a very pretty dance,” said Alice timidly.
“Would you like to see a little of it?” asked the sad creature.
“Very much,” said Alice.
“Come, let’s try the first figure![152]” said the Mock Turtle to the Gryphon. “We can do without[153] lobsters, you know. Who shall sing?”
“Oh, YOU sing,” said the Gryphon. “I’ve forgotten the words.”
So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, while the Mock Turtle sang very slowly and sadly. The dance was long and dull. So Alice felt very glad when it was over at last and she said, “Thank you, it’s a very interesting dance to watch.”
Suddenly the Gryphon said, “Come, let’s hear some of YOUR adventures.”
“I could tell you my adventures – beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly: “but it’s no use[154] going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
“Explain all that,” demanded the Mock Turtle.
“No, no! The adventures first,” said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: “explanations take such a long time.”
So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the White Rabbit. She was a little nervous about it at first because the two creatures came so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so wide, but she gained courage and went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet all the time.