I shut my mouth immediately. I don’t know what came over me, what made me blab about such a painful secret from my past to Ryan like that.
“Oh,” he says, his mocking smile immediately disappearing. He looks suddenly serious for the first time since I’ve met him. “Sorry, I didn’t realize.”
A feeling of intense awkwardness overcomes me.
“You couldn’t have known,” I reply quickly, trying to end the conversation.
On the other side of the post, Molly takes a seat beside another guard and pulls out a pack of cards. I’m shocked and a little taken aback to see her, and the other guards around her, looking so lax. No one seems to be alert at all. The Commander made it seem as though everyone at Fort Noix was as serious and militaristic as he is, but here are his guards lazing around.
“Don’t worry,” Ryan says, clocking my expression. “Nothing ever happens on guard duty. There were attacks at the beginning but these days it’s calmed down a lot.”
But it’s not enough to placate me. Everyone back at the fort is relying on these guys to do their job and here they all are sitting around like it’s a big game. Even the guard dogs are slacking off, play fighting with one another rather than looking out for intruders. So much for everyone has a job to do! Only Ben and I seem to be alert to the possibility of lurking danger.
Just as those thoughts are crossing my mind, I notice movement coming from the distance. In the area pocked with bomb craters there’s a patch of trees and shrubbery, and it seems to be rustling.
“Do people live over there?” I say, nudging Ryan.
He peers out where I’m pointing.
“In the bomb craters?” he says. “No way. The radiation levels are too high.”
Every muscle in my body tenses. “There’s someone there,” I say.
I bring up my shotgun. The motion alerts Ben. He comes to my side, poised with his rifle.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ryan cries. “You guys are getting a bit trigger happy. I’m sure you’re seeing things. It’s probably just a deer.”
Molly notices the commotion and comes to my side.
“What’s going on, Brooke?” she asks, her expression serious and intent.
“There are people in the trees,” I say, not looking at her, my body still positioned to fire, my eyes still locked on the foliage, seeking out possible danger.
Unlike Ryan, Molly doesn’t contest me. She seems to have understood me straightaway. She raises her own gun, taking position beside me.
The trees continue to rustle. Then all at once, something huge and black billows from the foliage. I let off a shot, the noise splintering the air. It’s only after I’ve fired that I realize my evil predator was a flock of innocent birds.
The tenseness leaves my body in one go, replaced by embarrassment. Molly gives me a sheepish look, as if she’s embarrassed on my behalf by my overreaction. Ryan just grins, amused by the whole thing.
“Told you there was nothing to worry about,” he says, arrogantly.
But no sooner are the words out of his mouth, than the sounds of screaming and frantic barking come from behind.
I spin and my heart drops as I see that, just on the other side of the outpost, near the ladder leading up, a group of crazies are thundering out of the vegetation. They’re heading right for us.
Ryan’s slow to react. “Breach!” he finally shouts.
Immediately, I fire my gun at them, but my angle is off and I miss my target. The guards seem stunned, like they were never expecting such a thing to happen. They take far too long to react. By the time they join me, I’ve finally managed to hit one of the crazies, and he goes down like a dead weight.
At last, guns begin firing off all over the place. The noise is so loud I wince. The air becomes thick with smoke from the shots we’re firing and the smell of sulfur.
The crazies start to drop, but some are getting dangerously close to our outpost. I adjust my position and begin firing as they ascend. Ben stands beside me but I realize he isn’t firing his gun at all. His hands are trembling and sweat is pouring down his face. He’s as white as a ghost.
“Ben!” I cry. “Help me!”
But he’s completely frozen. It’s Ryan who sidles up to me and helps me take down the group, one by one, while Molly flanks my other side, firing expertly, too.
Suddenly, I hear a shrill scream from behind and swirl on the spot. One of the crazies must have taken a different route than the others and has gotten up the outpost without anyone noticing. It dawns on me that not a single one of the guards thought to cover us from behind, leaving us completely exposed.
The crazy’s arm is locked around Molly’s throat and he’s dragging her back toward the ladder. I watch, horrified, as Jack bounds forward and locks his jaws around the crazy’s leg. The man roars in pain and loosens his grip on Molly, leaving just enough for her to run away. But now Jack’s the source of his hatred. He grabs the pit bull and yanks him off, bringing him over his head, ready to hurl him off the outpost. The whole world seems to slow down as I notice the terrified dog’s expression as he hangs helplessly over the edge of the outpost. The thirty-foot drop will certainly kill him.
Without even thinking, I pull my knife from its sheath and race across the length of the outpost. With every ounce of strength in my body, I stab the crazy straight in the heart.
The crazy’s eyes roll back in his head and he falls backward. I manage to wrench Jack from his grasp before the crazy plummets over the side of the outpost and hits the ground with a sickening squelch.
My blood-soaked knife clatters to the floor, and then, all at once, quiet descends. I stand there panting, Jack whimpering in my arms, the warm blood of the crazy dripping down my face. Slowly, I turn back to face the other guards.
They’re all looking at me in disbelief, as though they can hardly comprehend what I just did. I can’t tell if they’re scared of me or in awe of me, but the main thing is that my secret life as a killer can no longer be hidden.
I cradle Jack in my arms then slowly approach Ryan. I place the dog in his arms. His cocky expression has completely gone. His arrogance seems to have faded, too, leaving behind a stunned and slightly alarmed expression.
“Thank you,” he says, quietly. But I think what he really means is, “I get it now.” For the first time he understands what sort of world we really live in, and what sort of person it has made me.
Everyone else seems too stunned to move. I feel I have no choice but to take control of the situation.
“We should report back to the Commander,” I say, trying to hide the tremor in my voice. “That attack wasn’t accidental. It was planned. That means there might be more to come.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Twilight is breaking by the time we make it back to the fort. Up ahead I see a group of guards who must have returned from guard duty before us sitting around a bonfire, chatting away without a care in the world. They begin whispering when they notice us trudging wearily toward them.
A tall, lanky man with a goatee comes up to us.
“What happened to you lot?” he says, smirking.
“A breach,” Molly explains.
Immediately, the man’s expression changes. “What do you mean?”
“We were attacked,” Ryan adds. “By a group of crazies.”
The rest of the group begins to take notice of the conversation. They stand up from their positions around the bonfire and come over, listening intently, looks of concern on their faces.
“Did anyone get hurt?” the man with the goatee asks.
Ryan shakes his head. “Thankfully not. But if it hadn’t been for Brooke, there might have been fatalities.”
I shift uncomfortably as everyone’s attention turns to me, the stranger, taking in the sight of my blood-splattered uniform. But rather than looking scared of me like the others who’d seen me kill the crazy at the outpost, they look at me with respect. People start congratulating me, clapping me on the shoulder. Zeke, the man with the goatee, salutes me.
I can’t believe it. I’d been so worried about people finding out about me being a killer and judging me for it, it’s quite a relief for it all to be out in the open. I can’t remember the last time I felt accepted like this.
“Someone get this girl a drink!” Zeke says, before adding, “We don’t have liquor, I’m afraid, so I hope you like mint tea.”
“That sounds great,” I say, but I’m still in fight-or-flight mode. “But we should report to the Commander.”
Zeke shakes his head and rests a hand on my arm. “Don’t. It will just make him more paranoid.”
“But…” I begin, but he interrupts me.
“Honestly,” he says, passing me a mint tea. “The Commander is becoming more and more isolated. We take in fewer survivors every year. To be honest, I’m surprised he even let you guys stay. We’ve kicked kids out younger than you before. If he knows the attack came so soon after you arrived, he’ll probably blame it on you, saying you led them here. So if I were you, I wouldn’t give him more reasons to turn people away.”
The heat from the tea seeps into my skin as his words seep into my mind. It hadn’t occurred to me that not everyone within Fort Noix would be on board with the way the Commander chooses to run things. But, like the Forest Dwellers I saw earlier, it seems as though not everyone is happy with how things work here, with the Commander’s stance on not taking in outsiders. My gut instinct back when I’d met him in his office earlier this morning had been revulsion – to not take in outsiders is the equivalent of sentencing them to death. But then I’d gotten so caught up in it all, in being a guard, in protecting this precious place, that I’d let myself forget how cruel that policy really is.
Just then, I hear a voice calling me from far away.
“Brooke!”
It’s Bree. I turn and see her running along the path toward me, Charlie just a few steps behind. Neena walks a little way behind them both with Penelope on a lead. Some of the girls and women from our house are walking beside her, and the boys from Ben’s house are also coming toward the bonfire.
Bree reaches me, flies into my arms, and hugs me tightly. I hold her close.
“What happened?” she cries, moving out of the embrace. “You were gone for hours. I was worried.”
I smile at her reassuringly. “I’m OK.”
“Is Jack okay?” Bree asks, bending down to stroke the pit bull at Ryan’s feet.
“He’s fine,” Ryan says to Bree, but his eyes are locked on me. “Thanks to Brooke.”
Over Bree’s crouched figure, Ryan’s smoldering eyes burn into me. Before, I wasn’t sure what he thought about me, but now I do. He admires me. My stomach flutters at the thought.
“Where’s Ben?” Charlie asks.
Immediately, I feel guilty for letting myself feel anything toward Ryan at all. I glance around, searching for Ben. I see him sitting on a bench, alone, beside the fire. He looks just as lost back at the fort as he did out in the forest.
“There he is,” I say to Charlie. “Why don’t you go and get him some tea?”
“I’ll get it,” Ryan says, his intense gaze still fixed on me.
I falter. “Okay… thanks.”
I watch, my stomach roiling, as he disappears into the crowd.
Bree grabs my hand and drags me toward the bonfire. Charlie follows, and the three of us sit down beside Ben. Despite the danger we’ve just been in, we’re all still overjoyed to be at Fort Noix. To be warm, clothed, and cared for. To be amongst allies. But Zeke has planted a seed of doubt in my mind. Is it enough for just us to be warm, clothed, and cared for? Is it okay to sit on our laurels when others like us die out in the wilderness at the hands of slaverunners, biovictims, and crazies?
Ryan comes back with more mint tea and some chicken soup for us all.
“Do you want to join us?” I ask him.
I want to speak to him about the Commander’s isolationist position, about his hard-line policy on not letting in survivors. But Ryan casts his eyes over at Ben, and I look over to see that Ben’s watching us, his expression a mixture of anger and sadness.
“Not tonight,” Ryan says. “You guys should probably spend some time together.”
So Ryan’s starting to figure it out, to understand that there’s something between Ben and me, or at least, that Ben feels something for me. He’s not prepared to tread on Ben’s toes when he’s in such a fragile state, and I’m grateful for his thoughtfulness. It seems there’s more to Ryan than meets the eye.
I nod and watch him take the bench opposite with Molly, whose ginger hair matches the color of the flames.
The soup tastes absolutely delicious. The heat from the bowl and the fire, along with the fresh, healthy food, rejuvenates me. I feel like I’m coming back from the dead, not just physically but psychologically too. For years I’ve been in battle mode. For years I’ve felt completely alone. But now I have people around me, people who will fight beside me. And it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
I look over at Bree and Charlie laughing happily, as carefree as Trixie had been when I met her earlier. Finally they’re getting to be children. But Ben is a different matter altogether. He seems even more withdrawn.
“Ben,” I say cautiously. “Is everything okay?”
He looks at me slowly, a little dazed. “It’s just being around all these people,” he says. “It’s a bit overwhelming.”
I know it’s more than that, but I don’t want to push him to speak when he doesn’t want to.
Everyone finishes their soup.
“I think you kids should be heading home now,” I say to Bree and Charlie. They both look exhausted, like they’re fighting to stay awake so they can be part of the festivities.
Bree pouts. “Can’t we stay up a little longer?”
I shake my head. ”It’s been a long day. Ben will take you home.”
Ben looks over at me and frowns, like he thinks I’m trying to get rid of him, when really I just want him to get a good night’s sleep and rejuvenate. But he doesn’t argue; he just stands, as though hypnotized, and leads Charlie and Bree back home.
I watch them go. But as soon as I’m alone, I feel suddenly out of place surrounded by the other guards, all laughing and joking easily. For me, smiles come rarely. The past constantly lingers in my mind like a storm cloud, only parting occasionally to let in a ray of sunshine. None of these people have the same darkness inside of them. I should be feeling peaceful and happy right now, but I can’t. I can’t just see the crazy attack as a one-off to be forgotten, because for me it was just the latest battle in my long, never-ending fight against the world we live in. And while we won that particular fight, somewhere in the world, another group of children loses.
Ryan must notice my change in mood, because he comes over and extends his hand to me.
“Come on,” he says.
“Where are we going?” I reply, looking at his outstretched hand.
“For a walk.” He beckons, urging me on. “Come on,” he presses.
I don’t feel like I have much choice but to take his hand and let him guide me to my feet.
We walk. It’s pitch black and the stars are twinkling above us as we stroll away from the light of the fire and out into the compound.
“Brooke, I know that you think the way the fort works isn’t fair,” he begins.
“What makes you say that?” I reply. “I understand why it has to work this way. I just don’t think that it’s enough for me.”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
I pause, trying to gather my thoughts in such a way that I can articulate them. “I mean I have to do more,” I begin, carefully. “I can’t live with myself knowing others are out there dying. I need to do something. I can’t be part of a place that doesn’t do more to help people. It would make me a hypocrite.”
“Does that mean you want to leave?” he asks, frowning.
I turn my face, unsure myself what I really want. It’s true that I’ve started to question whether I’ve made the right call by coming here. Can I really sit back, after everything I’ve witnessed, and live out my life in peace, knowing that there’s a thousand more Roses out there who need saving, a hundred more Flos trapped in the arenas, a dozen more Logans who have been forced into policing a city they loathe? But at the same time, how could I force my friends and my sister back out into that world? I couldn’t. If I left, I would have to go alone. And that would mean leaving them behind.