I dont know how to explain my feelings in simple words, but during that time I found joy in being brave. We were all in danger together. They had no one but me, and I had them. It was a wonderful opportunity. This opportunity came to me like a clear picture. I was like a shield, standing in front of them. The more I watched them, the less they noticed me. I started watching them with nervousness[38] and excitement. It could have turned to madness[39] if it had lasted too long. But it turned into something else. It turned into horrible evidence. The evidence started when I took action.
The moment this happened was one afternoon when I was alone in the garden with the younger child. We had left Miles inside reading a book. His sister, on the other hand, had wanted to come outside. We walked together for about half an hour. I noticed how both children were able to be independent yet still be with me. They never asked for attention but also never seemed bored. I enjoyed watching them have fun without needing me. It was like being a special person or thing in their game, and I was happy to play that role. I cant remember what role I played that day, but I know I felt important and Flora was playing happily. We were near the lake, which we called the Sea of Azov because we were learning about geography.
Suddenly, I realized that there was someone watching us from the other side of the Sea of Azov. I was sitting on an old stone bench near the lake when I felt, without actually seeing, the presence of another person in the distance. I was sure that if I looked across the lake, I would see that person. I was busy stitching and tried not to look. I thought that it could be one of the men from the area or even a messenger, a postman, or a tradesmans boy, from the village. But my thoughts didnt seem right to me.
I looked straight at little Flora, who was about ten yards away. I was worried if she would also see the strange visitor. I held my breath, hoping for a cry or some sign from her. But nothing happened. Two things shocked me even more. First, I felt that all sounds from her had stopped in a minute. Second, she turned her back to the water while playing. When I finally looked at her, I was sure that we were still being watched by someone. With my newfound bravery, I was ready to face whatever came next.
VII
I found Mrs. Grose as soon as I could. I remember crying out as I hugged her tightly, saying, They know, its too scary. They know, they know!
Mrs. Grose looked at me with disbelief[40] as she held me. What do you mean? she asked.
Well, everything we know, and who knows what else! I tried to explain after she let go of me. Two hours ago, in the garden Flora saw!
She told you?
Not a wordthats the horror. She kept it to herself! The child of eight, that child! I was completely shocked by it.
Mrs. Grose, of course, was surprised too. Then how did you find out?
I was there, I saw it with my own eyes. I saw that she knew.
Do you mean she sees him?
Noher. I knew I must have looked really shocked because I could see it on Mrs. Groses face. Another person, but just as terrifying and evil. A woman dressed in black, pale and scary, with a strange face. She was on the other side of the lake. I was there with the childquiet for the hour; and then she came.
Came howfrom where?
From where they come from! She just appeared and stood therebut not so near.
And without coming nearer?
Oh, for the effect and the feeling, she might have been as close as you!
Was she someone youve never seen?
Yes. But someone the child has. Someone you have. Then, to show how I had thought it all out: My predecessor[41]the one who died.
Miss Jessel?
Miss Jessel. You dont believe me?
She turned right and left How can you be sure?
Then ask Florashes sure! But before I could finish speaking, I stopped myself. No, for Gods sake, dont! Shell say she isntshell lie!
Oh, how could you?
Because Im sure. Flora doesnt want me to know.
Then, its only to protect you.
No, no, theres more to it! The more I think about it, the more I understand, and the more I understand, the more Im afraid. I dont know what I dont see, what I dont fear!
Mrs. Grose tried to keep up with me. Do you mean youre afraid of seeing her again?
Oh, no, thats not the problem now! Then I explained. Im afraid of not seeing her.
But my companion just looked pale. I dont understand you.
Well, its that the child may continue to do it, and she will, without me knowing.
Oh dear, we must stay calm! And, you know, if she doesnt mind it! She even said a dark joke. Maybe she enjoys it!
Enjoys such things, a little child!
Isnt it just a sign of her pure innocence? my friend bravely asked.
Oh, we must believe it! If its not proof of what you say, its proof of who knows what! This woman is really horrifying.
Tell me how you know, she said.
Then you agree its what she was? I cried.
Tell me how you know, my friend simply repeated.
Know? By seeing her! By the way she looked.
At you, do you mean?
Dear me, no She never looked at me. She only looked at the child.
Mrs. Grose tried to understand. Looked at her?
Ah, with such awful eyes!
Do you mean with dislike?
God help us, no. With something much worse.
Worse than dislike?
With great determination[42]. With a kind of evil intent[43].
Her face turned pale. Intent?
To take possession of Flora. Mrs. Grose walked towards the window. As she looked outside, I finished, Thats what Flora knows.
After a bit, she turned around. The person was dressed in black, you say?
Yes, but with great beauty. She was wonderfully beautiful. But insidious[44].
She came back to me slowly. Miss Jessel was insidious. She once again took my hand and said, They were both insidious.
I appreciate[45], I said, that you havent spoken about it until now, but its time for you to tell me everything. She seemed to agree with this, but still stayed silent. I continued: I need to know. What did she die from? Come, there was something between them.
There was everything.
But what about their differences?
Oh, their social status, their situation, she said sadly. She was a lady.
I thought about it; I understood again. Yes, she was a lady.
And he was so far below, said Mrs. Grose.
He was a bad person.
Mrs. Grose quietly said Ive never seen anyone like him. He did what he wished.
With her?
With them all.
It was as if my friend saw Miss Jessel again with her own eyes. For a moment, I felt like I could see her too, just like I saw her at the lake. I said, That must have been what she wanted too!
Mrs. Groses expression showed that it was true, but she also said: Poor womanshe paid for it!
Then you do know what she died of? I asked.
NoI know nothing. I didnt want to know; I was glad enough I didnt!
Yet you had, then, your idea
About why she left? Oh yes, I had that. She couldnt have stayed. Imagine being a governess here! And then I started imagining and what I imagine is horrible.
Its not as horrible as what I do, I replied, and then I realized my defeat I cant do it! I cried in despair. I cant save or protect them! Its worse than I imaginedtheyre lost!
VIII
What I told Mrs. Grose was true enough: there were things in the situation that were difficult for me to understand and explore. We both agreed that it was important to stop imagining strange things. Late that night, while the house slept, we had another talk in my room. I asked her how, if I had made it up, I could describe each persons looks in detail, and she named them right away[46]. She wanted to forget about that, and I told her that I was trying to find a way to escape[47] from it. I said that I might get used to the danger with time, but my new suspicion was still unbearable[48]. However, as the day went on, I felt a little better about the situation.
The next morning, I had of course returned to my pupils. I spent time with Flora and realized that she could tell when something was wrong with me. Looking into her beautiful eyes, I knew that her innocence was real and not a trick. But I knew that Flora saw the visitor, but she pretended she didnt to make me wonder if I saw it too. Flora tried to distract me with games and songs, because she didnt want me to talk about it.
I felt desperate and needed help. My colleague told me a lot under pressure, but there was still a small uncertain part. I remember saying; What was on your mind when you said before Miles arrived, that you didnt think he ever was bad? He has not literally ever, in these weeks that I myself have lived with him and so closely watched him. And thats why you could perfectly stand up for him if you didnt know about something else. What was it and what did you talk about, because you had to see it personally?
It was a serious question, but we werent joking around, and before sunrise I had got my answer. It was simply the fact that Quint and the boy had been spending a lot of time together. In fact, she said that it was strange for them to be so close. She even talked with Miss Jessel about it. Miss Jessel told her to mind her business. And the good woman talked to little Miles then. When I asked what she had said, she told me that she wanted to see young gentlemen remember their place.
I asked again, Did you tell him that Quint was just a servant?
Thats right! And the problem was his answer, first of all.
And what else? I waited for her to continue. Did he tell Quint what you said?
No, not that. He definitely wouldnt! she said. I was sure, at least, she added, that he didnt. But he denied[49] some situations.
What situations?
When they were together as if Quint was his teachera very important oneand Miss Jessel was just there for the little lady. He spent hours with him, I mean, going off together.
He then lied about it? He said he didnt? She nodded. So I said, I understand. He lied.
Oh! Mrs. Grose murmured[50], You see, Miss Jessel didnt mind. She didnt forbid[51] him.
I thought about it.
Did he give you this as an excuse?
She dropped her head again. No, he never talked about it.
He never talked about her and Quint being together?
She understood where I was going and blushed, No, never. He denied, she repeated, he denied.
So you guessed that he knew what was happening between the two terrible people?
I dont knowI dont know! the poor woman cried.
You do know, my dear, I replied; but youre not as brave as I am, and you hold back because youre shy. You even hide the impression that caused you the most pain in the past when you had to get out without my help. But Ill find out! I continued, There was something in the boy that made you think he was hiding their relationship.
Примечания
1
shudder дрожь, трепет
2
prologue пролог
3
misfortune несчастье
4
successor преемник
5
seduction обольщение
6
passion страсть, увлечение
7
condition условие
8
carriage повозка, карета
9
curtsey присесть в реверансе
10
eager стремящийся, страстно желающий
11
to wince морщиться, вздрагивать
12
naughty непослушный, шаловливый
13
to corrupt развращать
14
to gossip сплетничать
15
inn гостиница
16
charge обвинение
17
firm решительный, твердый
18
encounter столкновение
19
ledge выступ,
20
to deceive обманывать
21
invasion вторжение
22
judgment суждение
23
cherub херувим
24
disproof опровержение
25
to nod кивать
26
to peep подглядывать
27
whiskers бакенбарды
28
valet лакей, слуга
29
Heaven forbid боже, упаси
30
sacrifice жертва
31
disgust отвращение
32
admittedly общепризнанно
33
influence влияние
34
sternly строго, серьезно
35
to interpret толковать, объяснять
36
wound рана
37
slope склон
38
nervousness беспокойство
39
madness безумие
40
disbelief неверие, недоверие
41
predecessor предшественник
42
determination решимость
43
intent умысел, намерение
44
insidious коварный
45
to appreciate ценить
46
right away тотчас
47
to escape сбежать, спастись
48
unbearable невыносимый
49
to deny отрицать
50
to murmur бормотать
51
to forbid запрещать