To leave homethats the worst thing.
Ah, now we approached the catastrophe,
My sister-in-law, the bitterness of her tone was like lemon on cold steel, nonsense, she likes to saythats what they all say.
While she spoke she fidgeted.
Oh, that cow! she said nervously.
Then she shuddered. Then she made the awkward movement. Then again she looked the most unhappy woman in the world.
Sisters-in-law I began.
Her lips pursed. She took her glove. She rub hard at a spot on the window-pane. But the spot remained. She sank back. Something impelled me to take my glove and rub my window. There, too, was a little speck on the glass. But it remained. And then the spasm went through me. I crooked my arm. Then I plucked at the middle of my back. My skin felt like the damp chickens skin in the poulterers shop-window. One spot between the shoulders itched and irritated. Can I reach it?
Surreptitiously I tried. She saw me. A smile of infinite irony. Infinite sorrow, flitted and faded from her face. She shared her secret, passed her poison. She will speak no more. I read her message. I deciphered her secret.
Hilda is the sister-in-law. Hilda? Hilda? Hilda Marsh. Hilda stands at the door, Hilda holds a coin.
Poor Minnie, so thin, this old cloak! Well, well, with two children. No, Minnie, Ive got it. Here you are, cabby. Come in, Minnie. Oh, I can carry you. Give me your basket!
So they go into the dining-room.
Aunt Minnie, children.
The knives and forks sink slowly. They get down. Bob and Barbara. But this well skip. Ornaments, curtains, trefoil china plate, yellow oblongs of cheese, white squares of biscuit. Skip, oh, but wait! One of those shivers. Bob stares at her. He has a spoon in mouth.
Eat your pudding, Bob; but Hilda disapproves.
Skip, skip, till we reach the upper floor. We reach stairs; linoleum. Oh, yes! little bedroom. One can see the roofs of Eastbourne. One can see zigzagging roofs like the spines of caterpillars. This way, that way, red and yellow.
Now, Minnie, the doors shut. Hilda heavily descends to the basement. You unstrap the straps of your basket. You lay on the bed a meagre nightgown. The looking-glassno, you avoid the looking-glass. Some methodical disposition of hat-pins. Perhaps the shell box? You shake it. Its the pearl, thats all. And then the sniff and the sigh. Three oclock on a December afternoon. One light in the skylight of a drapery emporium. Another high in a servants bedroom. Nothing to look at[3].
A moments blankness. What are you thinking? Shes asleep. What does she think about? At three oclock in the afternoon? Health, money, hills, her God? Yes, Minnie Marsh is sitting on the edge of the chair. Minnie Marsh is looking over the roofs of Eastbourne. Minnie Marsh prays to God. Thats all very well. She may rub the pane too, as though to see God better. But what God does she see? Whos the God of Minnie Marsh? The God of the back streets of Eastbourne? The God of three oclock in the afternoon? I, too, see roofs. I see sky. But, oh, dearto see Gods! More like President Kruger than Prince Albert. I see him on a chair. I see him in a black frock-coat, not so high. I can manage a cloud or two for him. And then his hand holds a rod, a truncheon. Black, thick, thorned, Minnies God! Did he send the itch and the patch and the twitch? Is that why she prays? She rubs the stain of sin on the window. Oh, she committed some crime!
The woods flit and fly. In summer there are bluebells. When spring comes, primroses. A parting, was it, twenty years ago? Broken vows? Not Minnies! She was faithful. How she nursed her mother! All her savings on the tombstonewreaths under glassdaffodils in jars. But the crime They may say she kept her sorrow. She suppressed her secrether sexthe scientific people. But what flummery is it! Nomore like this.
She was passing down the streets of Croydon twenty years ago. The violet loops of ribbon in the drapers window caught her eye. She lingers. It was past six. She can reach home if she runs. She pushes through the glass door. Its sale-time. Shallow trays brim with ribbons. She pauses. She pulls this. No need to choose. No need to buy. Each tray with its surprises.
We dont shut till seven.
It is seven.
She runs. She rushes. She reaches home, but too late. Neighboursthe doctorbaby brotherthe kettlescaldedhospitaldeador only the shock of it, the blame? Ah, but the detail matters nothing[4]! Its what she carries with her. The spot, the crime, the thing to expiate are always there between her shoulders.
Yes, she nods to me, its the thing I did.
Whether you did, or what you did, I dont mind[5]. Its not the thing I want. The drapers windowthat is enough. A little cheap perhaps, a little commonplace. The crime. Let me peep across again. So many crimes arent your crime. Your crime was cheap, only the retribution solemn. Now the church door opens. The hard wooden pew receives her. She kneels on the brown tiles. She prays every day, winter, summer, dusk, dawn. All her sins fall, fall, for ever fall. The spot receives them. Its raised. Its red. Its burning. Next she twitches. Small boys point.
Bob at lunch today.
But elderly women are the worst.
Indeed now you cant pray any longer. Kruger sank beneath the clouds. Thats what always happens! When you see him, feel him, someone interrupts. Its Hilda now.
How you hate her! Shell lock the bathroom door overnight. But you want cold water. And John at breakfast the childrenmeals are the worst. Sometimes there are friends. Ferns dont altogether hide them. So you go along the front. The waves are grey. The papers blow. The glass shelters are green and draughty. Ah, thats a nigger! Thats a funny man. Thats a man with parakeetspoor little creatures! Is there no one here who thinks of God? Just up there, over the pier, with his rod. But notheres nothing but grey in the sky. If its blue the white clouds hide him. And the musicits military music. What are they fishing for? Do they catch them? How the children stare! Well, then home.
The words have meaning. An old man with whiskers can speak them. No, no, he didnt really speak. But everything has meaning. Placards near doorwaysnames above shop-windowsred fruit in basketswomens heads in the hairdressers. All say Minnie Marsh! But heres a jerk.
Eggs are cheaper! Thats what always happens!
I was heading her over the waterfall. A sheep turns the other way and runs between my fingers like a flock of dream. Eggs are cheap now.
The crimes, sorrows, rhapsodies, or insanities for poor Minnie Marsh. Never late for luncheon. Never without a mackintosh. Never utterly unconscious of the cheapness of eggs. So she reaches home. She scrapes her boots.
Do I understand you? But the human facethe human face at the top of the paper holds more. It withholds more. Now she looks out. In the human eye theres a breaka division. How do you define it? When you grasp the stem the butterfly is away. The moth that hangs in the evening over the yellow flower. It moved. I wont raise my hand. Quiver, life, soul, spiritI, too, on my flowerthe hawk over the downalone. To rise in the midday; over the down. The flicker of a hand. Alone, unseen. So still and so lovely. The eyes of others are our prisons. Their thoughts are our cages. Air above, air below. And the moon and immortality.
Oh, but I drop! Are you down too? You are in the corner. Whats your namewomanMinnie Marsh? Some such name as that? There she is. She opens her hand-bag. She takes a hollow shell froman egg. Who was saying that eggs were cheaper? You or I? Oh, it was you who said it on the way home. You remember. The old gentleman was opening his umbrellaor sneezing? Anyhow, Kruger went. You came home. You craped your boots. Yes. And now you lay across your knees a pocket-handkerchief. You drop little angular fragments of eggshell into it. Fragments of a mapa puzzle. I want to join them together! She moved her knees. Gold and silver. But to return
To what, to where? She opened the door. She put her umbrella in the stand. The whiff of beef from the basement; dot, dot, dot. But what I cannot thus eliminate is what I must. With the courage of a battalion and the blindness of a bull. Indubitably, the figures behind the ferns, commercial travellers. There I was hiding them all this time. Rhododendrons will conceal him utterly. I starve. I strive for red and white. But rhododendrons in Eastbournein Decemberon the Marshes tableno, no, I dare not. Its all a matter of crusts and cruets, frills and ferns. Perhaps therell be a moment later by the sea.
Moreover, I want to prick through the green fretwork and over the glacis of cut glass. I want to peer and peep at the man opposite. James Moggridge is it, whom the Marshes call Jimmy? Minnie, you must promise not to twitch. James Moggridge sells buttons. The big ones and the little ones on the long cards. Some buttons are peacock-eyed. Others are dull gold. Some are cairngorms. Others are coral sprays.
He travels. On Thursdays, his Eastbourne day, he takes his meals with the Marshes. His red face, his little steady eyes, his enormous appetite. This is primitive. I dont like it. Lets see the Moggridge household. Well, James himself mends the family boots on Sundays. He reads Truth. But his passion? Roses and his wife, a retired hospital nurse. Interesting. But shes of the unborn children of the mind. She is illicit. Like my rhododendrons. How many die in every novelthe best, the dearest, while Moggridge lives. Its lifes fault. Heres Minnie. She is eating her egg at the bench. There must be Jimmy at the other end of the line.
There must be Moggridgelifes fault. Life imposes its laws. Life blocks the way. Life is behind the fern. Life is the tyrant. I assure you I come willingly. Heaven knows what compulsion took me across ferns and cruets, table and bottles. I come irresistibly to lodge myself somewhere on the firm flesh, in the robust spine. Wherever I can penetrate, in the soul, of Moggridge the man. The enormous stability. The spine tough as whalebone, straight as oaktree. The ribs; the flesh; the red hollows. The suck and regurgitation of the heart. And meat and beer fall in brown cubes. So we reach the eyes. Behind the aspidistra they see something: black, white, dismal. Now the plate again. Behind the aspidistra they see elderly woman; Marshs sister; the tablecloth now.
Marsh will know whats wrong with Morrises.
Cheese. The plate again. Turn it roundthe enormous fingers; now the woman opposite. Marshs sisternot a bit like Marsh. She is a wretched, elderly female. You must feed your hens. Why is she twitching? Not what I said? Dear, dear, dear! these elderly women. Dear, dear!
Yes, Minnie. I know you twitched. But one momentJames Moggridge.
Dear, dear, dear!
How beautiful the sound is! Like the knock of a mallet on a timber. Like the throb of the heart of an ancient whaler.
Dear, dear!
A bell for the souls of the fretful to soothe them and solace them. So long. Good luck to you! and then, Whats your pleasure? Though Moggridge will pluck his rose for her, thats over[6]. Now whats the next thing?
Madam, youll miss your train.
Thats the sound that reverberates. Thats St. Pauls[7] and the motor-omnibuses[8]. Oh, Moggridge, you wont stay? You must leave? Are you driving through Eastbourne this afternoon in one of those little carriages? Are you the man who is behind green cardboard boxes? Are you the man who sometimes sits so solemn like a sphinx? Please tell me. But the doors close. We shall never meet again. Moggridge, farewell!
Yes, yes, Im coming. Right up to the top of the house. One moment Ill linger. How the mud goes round in the mind! What a swirl these monsters leave! James Moggridge is dead now. He is gone for ever. Well, Minnie,
I can face it no longer.
If she said that Let me look at her. She is brushing the eggshell. She said it certainly. When the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit. The self that took the veil and left the world. A coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful. It flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.
I can bear it no longer, her spirit says. That man at lunchHildathe children.
Oh, heavens, her sob! The spirit is wailing its destiny, on the carpetsmeager footholdsall the vanishing universe. Love, life, faith, husband, children.
Not for menot for me.
But thenthe muffins, the bald elderly dog? Bead mats and the consolation of underlinen. If Minnie Marsh is in the hospital, nurses and doctors will exclaim Theres the vista. Theres the vision. Theres the distancethe blue blot at the end of the avenue.
Benny, to your basket, sir, and see what mothers brought you!
So, you take the glove with the worn thumb. You renew the fortifications, you thread the grey wool.
In and out, across and over. You are spinning a web through which God himself Hush, dont think of God! How firm the stitches are! You must be proud. Let nothing disturb her. Let the light fall gently. Let the clouds show an inner vest of the first green leaf. Let the sparrow perch on the twig and shake the raindrop. Why look up? Was it a sound, a thought? Oh, heavens!
Back again to the thing you did. Back again to the plate glass with the violet loops?
But Hilda will come. Ignominies, humiliations, oh! Close the breach.
Minnie Marsh mended her glove. She laid it in the drawer. She shuts the drawer with decision. I saw her face in the glass. Next she laces her shoes. Then she touches her throat. Whats your brooch? Mistletoe? And what is happening? The moment is coming. The threads are racing. Niagaras ahead. Heres the crisis!
Heaven be with you! Down she goes. Courage, courage! Face it, be it! For Gods sake dont wait on the mat now! Theres the door! Im on your side. Speak! Confront her. Confound her soul![9]
Oh, I beg your pardon! Yes, this is Eastbourne. Ill reach it down for you. Let me try the handle.
But Minnie, I know youIm with you now.
Thats all your luggage?
Much obliged, Im sure.
But why do you look about you? Hilda wont come to the station, nor John. Moggridge is driving at the far side of Eastbourne.
Ill wait by my bag, maam. Thats safe. He will meet me. Oh, there he is! Thats my son.
So they walk off together.
Well, but Im confounded. Surely, Minnie, you know better! A strange young man. Stop! Ill tell himMinnie! Miss Marsh! I dont know though. Theres something queer in her cloak as it blows. Oh, but its untrue, its indecent. . Look how he bends as they reach the gateway. She finds her ticket. Whats the joke? Off they go[10], down the road, side by side. Well, my world is ruined. What do I stand on? What do I know? Thats not Minnie. There never was Moggridge. Who am I? Life is bare.
The last look of them. He is stepping from the kerb and she is following him. Mysterious figures! Mother and son. Who are you? Why do you walk down the street? Where will you sleep tonight? Where will you sleep tomorrow? Oh, how it whirls and surges! I start after them. People drive this way and that. The white light splutters and pours. Plate-glass windows. Carnations; chrysanthemums. Ivy in dark gardens. Milk carts at the door. Wherever I go, mysterious figures, I see you. Mothers and sons; you, you, you. I hasten. I follow. This must be the sea. The landscape is grey; dim as ashes. The water murmurs and moves. I fall on my knees. I go through the ritual. I adore you, unknown figures. I open my arms. I embrace you. Ill draw you to meadorable world!
The String Quartet
Well, here we are. Cast your eye over the room. You will see that Tubes[11] and trams and omnibuses, private carriages, landaus with bays in them, are weaving threads from one end of London to the other. Yet I begin to doubt