I started to go after her, but Erin held my arm in an iron grip.
Im glad youre okay, Alisa said quietly. Then she turned and went back to her table, where she started to gather her things.
I stared after her. Morgan, Erin said, giving me a gentle shake. I looked at her blankly. Morgan, we need to have a circle. Right away.
Circle? I repeated dumbly.
Erins face was pale and solemn. This is becoming very serious, she said, indicating the fallen shelf. We cant let it go on any longer.
What do you mean? I asked. I was afraid to hear the answer.
I mean that we have to rein in your power right away, Erin replied. Once youve learned moreonce youre more in control of your magickthen we can do an unbinding spell. But right now, youre dangerous. She took my hand. Im sorry, Morgan.
I felt the air rush out of my lungs. Dangerous. The word echoed in my mind. No, I wanted to say, absolutely not. I thought about the white witch fire I had called up the other day. Erin was right; I had no idea where that power and knowledge had come from. Though it was differentI had felt myself channel the energy. Then I remembered the night the candle went out and the lightbulbs exploded. There could have been a fire. And now this. Mary K. was here, I thought. Mary K. could have been standing underneath that shelf.
My chest was tight. Erin was looking at me expectantly. Okay, I said at last. Ill do it.
8. Loss
September 30, 1971
Its been almost a week since it happened. I prepared the ritual, lit the fire in the cauldron, called upon the Goddess and the God for strength, and prepared to destroy Harris Stonghtons vile book. But I couldnt do it.
Its hard to describe exactly what I was feeling. Fear, yes. And revulsion for the book and its author. But I also felt a strange sense of longing. I suppose its my Rowanwand blood-the love of and hunger for knowledge that we are known for. At any rate, I simply couldnt destroy the book and take this knowledge-even though its dark knowledge-out of the world forever. I had to find a safe place for it.
My first thought was to bury it behind the house. Earth can be very powerful-it can purify objects that have been spelled. But I didnt want to run the risk that someone, or even some animal, might dig up the book and find it. Besides, the book itself hasnt been spelled. Its a book of dark spells, and there is no mountain of earth in the world that can purify it.
But I realized that there is a place in my very own house that is ringed with spells of obscurity a secret place no one but initiated blood witches can find: my parents library. I decided to put it there for now and to warn the about the book as soon as possible. I hadnt wanted to tell them about it for fear of getting Sam into trouble. Then again, I thought that things had gone far enough.
My parents keep their dark magick titles, of which they have quite a few, on the highest shelf in the library. I had to get a stool to reach it. I stood there for a moment, reading the title before me. Some of them were fairly chilling, and as I placed the Stonghton book among them, I had a deep sense of foreboding.
At the very moment that I slid the book in among the others, the reading lamp on the table in the corner began to rattle and shake. Then it started to move. Slowly at first, then gaining speed, it slid across the table and crashed to the floor. I squeezed my eyes shut tight. Its an earthquake, I though, and I wanted to believe it-although whoever heard of an earthquake in Gloucester? Besides, I would have felt the whole room shaking.
Finally I managed to calm breathing and opened my eyes. Everything was still, including the books on the top shelf. I left the library as quickly as possible and redrew the sigils in a hurry.
I was so scared that for a moment I considered doing a circle in my room to calm my nerves. But instead I went up to the widows walk and let the rhythmic crashing of the waves hypnotize me.
I have to be honest with myself. Lately magick has seemed terrifying instead of wonderful. For now, I think Ill let nature be my religion.
Sarah Curtis
We have to go right now, Erin said, checking her watch. Hunter should be home, and Sky is due back from the record store in twenty minutes. She may even be there by the time we arrive.
I nodded, mute. The incredible unspeaking Morgan. Part of me just couldnt believe that this was actually happening, and another part of me grasped that it was vitally important and had to take place right away. I found myself pulled along by the strength of Erins willfollowing her like a stick caught in the current of the river.
Time seemed to slow down and everything around me felt surreal as Erin and I walked to my car. As I slid into my seat and turned the key in the ignition, I noticed that Erins feet werent touching the floor of the car. She looked ridiculously small on Das Boots enormous bench seat, like a doll in an easy chair. Pulling into traffic, I felt hyperaware of the cars around me. Somehow a fly had found its way into my car, and it buzzed loudly against the windshield.
Erins voice cut into my thoughts. I wont lie to you, Morgan, she was saying. The ceremony isnt going to be easy.
I interrupted her. Ive seen someone stripped of their powers, I said with a shudder, remembering David Redstone.
It isnt like that, Erin said quickly. Its unpleasant, but not at all like that. Reining puts limits on your powers, but it doesnt take them away. Youll still be able to do some small things, even some bigger things with the help of another, more powerful witch. And you can be unbound once youve gotten further in your training. Think of the reining as like a muzzle on a dog. Once the dog is taught not to bite, the muzzle can come off.
I gripped the steering wheel. It sounds horrible, I said.
Erin turned and looked out the window. It is, she said softly. But Hunter and Sky and I will be there to make it as comfortable for you as we can.
Hunter. A small spark of hope flared in my chest and brought me back to reality. Hunter knew mehe knew I couldnt possibly be responsible for this. He would convince Erin that my magick didnt need to be reined. He would convince me.
He had to.
Sky was just striding up the front walk as we pulled into the driveway. She turned and gave us a little wave, as if she were happy to see us. Then we stepped out of the car and she saw our faces. Her smile vanished. Hunter appeared at the door. I guessed that hed sensed us pull up.
What is it? Sky whispered to me as we walked up the front steps.
I didnt respond. No one said anything as we took off our coats and hats. Hunter went into the kitchen to put on a kettle for tea, and Erin, Sky, and I followed him. As I sat down at their table, I willed myself to relax.
Theres been another incident, Erin announced. Morgan and I were in the library when books began to fly off the shelves, and the entire bookcase nearly crashed down on her head.
Morgan? Sky asked, leaning forward. Hunter turned pale.
It would now seem that the common denominator for these incidents is Morgan, Erin went on. I am concerned that if we allow her magick to remain unchecked, we run the risk of someone getting hurt.
I dont think so. Hunter shook his head. Im almost certain that some of these incidents have been messages from my parents. I dont know how I know it, but I feel its true.
Did you feel that what happened at the circle on Saturday was a message from your parents? Erin asked.
I felt my heart beat once. Twice. Three times. No, Hunter replied.
And this latest incident in the library wouldnt have been, either, Erin went on. Hunter, she said in a gentler tone, its possible that you are receiving messages from your parents. What happened when we scried and what you described at the movie theater, even the figure in the fog those things do sound like messages. Its also possible that Morgan is causing these telekinetic incidents and that theyre entirely unrelated to what youve experienced. Youve said yourself that she has very strong powers and that she isnt a very skilled witch. . yet.
I dont know. Sky spoke up, surprising me. Skilled or not, it seems to me that if Morgan was doing this, shed feel it.
I felt so grateful to her that I almost leaped up and hugged her.
Who, then? Erin demanded.
Ciaran, Hunter suggested.
Erin scoffed. Hunter, you know as well as I do that proximity is important for telekinesis, even for a witch as strong as Ciaran. He has to be near her. He wouldnt be able to control books in a library in Widows Vale when hes in Spainits impossible.
Well, you were at both Saturdays circle and at the library, Erin, I snapped. And those have been the only two telekinetic incidents so far.
Erin cocked an eyebrow. Have they? she demanded. My mind whirled, and I felt sick as I remembered my books leaping from my locker and scattering all over the floor. Maybe not, I admitted.
Sky raised her eyebrows, and Erin leaned back in her chair. Hunter dug his hands into the pockets of his black corduroys. I told them briefly about my locker.
I expected Hunter to ask why I hadnt told him about this before. But he didnt. He just turned and gazed out the window for a long time.
It was Sky who broke the silence. Sowhat should we do? she asked.
I think Morgans power needs to be reined. Erin looked from Hunter to Sky. Now. This evening.
Sky looked at Hunter.
That ritual isnt to be done lightly, he said to the window.
Are you willing to risk it? Erin demanded. Someone could have been killed today. Morgan could have been killed.
Hunter turned and looked at me. His eyes were full of pain. Tell her, I wanted to shout. Tell her that it isnt me! But what he said was, Im sorry, Morgan.
There was a long creak as Sky pushed her chair away from the table. Ive got some white clothes upstairs, she said. Come, Morgan.
I couldnt believe this was happeningthat Hunter was letting this happen. I blinked fast, trying to clear my eyes of bitter tears. I wanted to scream, to shout, but what could I say? I tried to imagine how I would feel if I refused to let my powers be reined and then something horrible happened, but it was too awful to think about.
Its only temporary, I told myself as I followed Sky upstairs to her room. I tried really hard to believe it.
When I came downstairs, wearing Skys white tunic and pants, Hunter had already drawn a circle. At its center was a large, heavy-looking stone basin, filled with water. Thick, pungent incense saturated the air. It was a kind Id never smelled before, and it had a dark, earthy quality that reminded me of caves and dense forests. The sun had sunk quickly, and the only light in the room came from a few flickering candles.
I stepped inside the circle, and Hunter drew it closed. Each of us stood by one of the four cornersHunter by earth, Sky by air, Erin by water, and I by fire.
In a low voice Erin began to chant. The words were Gaelic, strange and ancient-sounding.
Acarach ban-dia
Acarach dia
Do cumhachd, do aofrom
Séol lamh
Bann treòir
The water in the basin began to shimmer and glow. For a moment it looked like a pool of liquid gold. Then a light flared from the center of itsmall yet brilliant, like a lump of coal that burned as bright as the sun. I couldnt look directly at it. After a moment the coal sent up a column of light bright enough to bathe the entire room in dazzling whiteness. The column was shot through with glowing sparks, specks of silver confetti.
I felt a similar spark rise in my chesta brilliant light was growing within me. I felt wonderfully, powerfully alive. My heart leaped, and I wanted to shout, Its beautiful! but in the next moment something happened that made my skin turn cold.
Ugly black smoke began to pour from the bottom of the basin. It was thick and heavy and rolled along the floor. It had gone no more than two feet in all directions from the basin when it slowly began to rise. But it didnt rise the way normal smoke does, floating on the air through the room. Instead it rose like bars, or long wicked fingers, around the light. It rose until it reached the ceiling, then closed around the light like a dark clutching claw.
My lungs felt tight. I struggled for air. The brilliant light within me was dimming, held in the clutches of the horrible blackness. I fell to my knees.
Hunter, Sky, and Erin began chanting. After a moment the pain in my chest receded and I could breathe, although I felt very sick. The black fingers pulled the brilliant column of light down, slowly, into the bowl, until it was nothing but a swirling pool of gray streaked with flashes of light, like a tiny dark sky full of lightning. The chanting stopped, and I knew that Hunter, Sky, and Erin had done their best to help me. Still, my head was throbbing, and I had to choke down the bile that rose in my throat.
For a moment the room was completely still.
Morgan. Hunter strode over to me and tried to help me to my feet.
I shook him off. Im fine.
A hurt look crossed his face, but I didnt apologize. I stood up, my knees nearly buckling.
Morgan, you should eat something, Erin suggested.
The thought of food repulsed me. Besides, I was dying to get out of there. Right now I couldnt look at any of them not even Hunter. Ill eat at home, I said weakly. I checked my watch and nearly gasped. Seven-thirty! Oh my God family night was supposed to start at six! I remembered how excited my mother had been earlier that day, and a new wave of nausea rolled through me. I couldnt believe Id just let my mom down in order to participate in this horrible ceremony. I have to go, I said, and took a staggering step toward the stairs. Sky swooped toward me, but I held up my hand. Im fine, I insisted. Let me do this.
I gritted my teeth and somehow managed to make it upstairs and change into my normal clothes. By the time I came back downstairs, I was feeling a bit clearer, although the headache was exquisitely painful.
Ill drive you, Hunter offered, but I shook my head.
Ive got Das Boot, I snapped. Dont worry, Ill make it home fine.
I turned to leave, but Hunter said, Morgan. The pain in his voice made me turn around, and I forced myself to face him. Hunter looked pale and worried, and I realized suddenly that he really hadnt wanted to do this any more than I had.
Call me later was all he said. He put his hand on my shoulder.
Okay, I said, but our gazes remained locked for a moment longer. His green eyes communicated a world of thoughts and feelings. He loved me. He was afraid for me. He didnt want anything to happen to me.
I held that look in my heart the entire drive home. It was the only thing that made me feel even a little bit better.
Where have you been? my mother demanded the minute I walked in the door. No Hello, no Are you all right? She was sitting on the couch with her arms folded across her chest. The headache threatened to split my skull in two.
I put my fingers to my left temple and rubbed it. Im sorry I began.
Not good enough, my mom snapped. What is going on, Morgan?
I didnt know how to answer her. I just stood there, a lump in the living room.
My mom threw her hands up. What am I supposed to do? she asked. What? You knew that family night was important to meyet not only did you blow it off, you didnt even phone to tell me you werent coming. She pushed herself off the couch and faced me. Tell me how to get through to you, Morgan, she said. Whats left?
I didnt know what to tell her. There was no way I could make her understand what had happened tonight, and I didnt really even want her to know. The accident at the library, the reining of my powersit was too scary for me to deal with, never mind my mom. I dont know, I mumbled.
Well, that makes two of us. My mom sighed, then said, Im sorry, but I just cant take much more of this. Ive tried reaching out to you; now Im going to try punishing you. Youre grounded.
I opened my mouth to protest but thought better of it. She was right.
Okay, I said.
I mean it, Morgan, she went on. No phone, no television, no going outnothing but schoolwork for the next two weeks.
I closed my eyes. I still felt thoroughly awful. Okay.
Look at me, my mom said, so I opened my eyes. I love you, she said. Her voice wasnt sentimentalshe was just stating a fact. And I dont understand whats going on. But whatever it is, Im not going to let it take my daughter away from me, is that clear?
I nodded. Yeah, I said. There was a beat of silence.
Im finished, my mom said finally. For now.
I turned to go upstairs but stopped suddenly. Mom?
Yes? She sounded tired.
I really am sorry, I said. The words hung there a moment, but she didnt reply. I trudged toward the stairs. Every muscle in my bodyevery fiberached. My head was pounding, and my heart was heavy. I pictured Hunter in my mind, tried to visualize the look he had given me just before I left. Only this time, instead of making me feel better, it made me feel worse. I wanted to call him. I needed to hear his voice. But now it was impossibleI was grounded.
I lay on my bed, and the pain in my head dulled a little. I wondered about the limits of my magick now that I was reined. Erin had said that I would still be able to do some small spells. Could I send him a witch message? I wondered. I decided to give it a try. Hunter, I thought, Hunter. I need you.
I felt echoing emptiness inside me and knew it wasnt working. But I tried again, anyway. And again. And again. Even though there was no reply, I didnt give up. I couldnt.
I didnt know what else to do.
9. Fear
I passed Bree in the hall today. I said hello, but she didnt hear me.
At least, I think she didnt hear me. She looked kind of preoccupied, but maybe that was just an act so that she could pretend not to notice me. Im sure Morgan told her about my quitting Kithic.
I havent missed a circle yet, but already there are so many things I miss about the coven. I miss the energy I felt from being part of the circle. I miss the feeling when a circle goes well and you feel like theres a greater power in the room with you. Like everyones energy has combined and formed this force thats more powerful than the sum of its parts. I miss feeling like I have a family.
Well, whateverwho cares? Im not in the coven anymore. What they do is their own problem. Im not going to try to warn anyone about anythingIm staying out of it. From now on, this is just a journal, not a Book of Shadows. And Im just a high school sophomore, not a witch in training.
I would have made a terrible witch, anyway. I dont have the stomach for it.
Alisa
Morgan, what is that? Jenna asked, peering at the bowl of steaming hot something Id gotten from the cafeteria. It was lunch period the next day, and I was sitting with Sharon, Raven, Jenna, Matt, Bree, Robbie, and Ethan. Lately Id been spending almost all of my lunch periods in the library in a desperate attempt to pull my grades up, but today I simply felt too sick to concentrate on anything. I looked around at the familiar faces. If my grades didnt improve, I might be eating lunch at an entirely different school soon.
Chili, I said. I think.
Isnt that the same stuff they served Monday? Matt asked.
I gave him a wry half smile, but Bree let out a silky laugh. Matt grinned at her. Jenna glanced up and gave me a wary look across the table. What was Bree up to?
You have to give the school credit on their food-recycling program, Raven said. No one can bear to eat it, but no one can bear to let it go to waste.
Robbie was sitting next to me on one side of the table with Jenna. Sharon and Ethan were on the other, and Matt was at one of the short ends, sandwiched between Bree and Raven. He looked like he was in heaven. Bree and Robbie, on the other hand, hadnt exchanged a single word during lunch, and now Robbie was staring down at his sandwich as if he thought he could make it disintegrate with the power of his mind.
So is everybody going to make it this Saturday? Sharon asked. Kithic was holding its circle at her house.
I cant go, I said, feeling even gloomier. Im grounded.
Grounded? What did you do? Ethan asked, pushing curly hair out of his eyes. Anything good?
Unfortunately not.
Morgan isnt much good at being bad. Bree gave Matt a flirtatious little smile. Unlike some people.
Hmmm, Raven said smoothly. Tell us about that, Bree.
Bree ignored her, still looking at Matt, who was grinning like an idiot. I narrowed my eyes at Bree. What did she think she was doing?
Robbie stood up. Ive gotta head to the library, he said to nobody in particular. See you guys later. He grabbed his tray and walked off.
I caught Brees eye and frowned at her. She made a face at me. Ill be right back, I said, pushing my chair away from the table.
Robbie was halfway down the hall by the time I caught up with him. Robbie, wait, I said, catching his arm. Whats going on?
I dont know. His eyes were filled with anger. I guess I just didnt feel like sitting around and watching Bree hit on someone else. Call me crazy.
I folded my arms across my chest and cocked an eyebrow. I thought you guys were broken up.
Robbie looked shocked. I knew it, I thought.
Thats what Bree told me, anyway, I went on. She said you dumped her.
Robbies eyes were wide. What are you talking about? he demanded.
I shrugged. Isnt that what happened?
No, he insisted. No way! He looked confused and worried. I just told Bree that I thought we needed some space. Weve been spending all our time together lately, and. . well. . Ive gotten these weird vibes from Bree. Like shes feeling kind of. .
Possessive? I finished for him.
Yeah. He nodded. So I tried to talk to her about it. I mean, look, personally Id love to spend all my time with Bree. But it seemed sort of weird for her. Dont forget that Ive known Bree a long time.
As long as I have.
Exactly, Robbie agreed. And we both know she gets bored easily with guys, and then she moves on. Right?
Mmm. Dead right.
So I thought Id be clever and suggest more space, Robbie explained, and shes been avoiding me ever since. I thought she was just taking me up on my offer. He bit his lip. God, Morgan, have I totally screwed up?
I dont think its your fault, but the situation is definitely screwed up, I said. You have to talk to her. Now.
What should I say?
Just tell her that this is all a big misunderstanding, which it is, I said. Look, Robbie, you and I both know that underneath it all, Bree is actually insecure in a weird way, right?
About some things, he admitted.
About this thing, I said. This has just gotten blown out of proportion because she actually cares about you. A lot. And she doesnt know how to deal.
Robbie looked dubious. You think?
I know it, I told him. I didnt think it was betraying a confidence to say that much. So youll talk to her? I asked.
Yeah, he said. He started to turn back toward the lunch-room, but the bell rang. Damn, he said, checking his watch.
Do it after school, I said as people began trickling into the hall. Dont wait.
Thanks, Morgan. Robbie reached out and drew me into a hug. I felt glad that Id finally butted in. My head was still throbbing, but it was good to know that Id done at least one thing right.
I was halfway through my first problem set when the doorbell rang. Mary K., can you get that? I shouted. My head was still splitting, even after Id taken four Advil. Mary K. didnt reply. Not surprising. She was playing the radio at top volume in her room. I had expected her to be at cheerleading practice, but it had been canceled at the last minute. Now she was upstairs studying with her new best friend, Alisa. They were in the same French class.
With a sigh, I hauled myself up from the dining room table and trudged to the door, figuring it was probably someone from Greenpeace or another member of the Mary K. fan club. The latter was more likely.
I looked through the peephole and sucked in my breath. Erin! Id completely forgotten we were supposed to meet to go over what Id read about witch history. Crap. And now I had to answer the door. She was a witch, after allshe knew I was here.
Hello, Morgan, she said. Her dark red hair was pulled into a braid, and she was carrying a backpack. In blue jeans and a peacoat, she looked more like a Vassar student than a forty-seven-year-old witch.
Hi, I said, looking nervously behind her. My mom and dad werent due home for a couple of hours, but I didnt want to take any chances. I wasnt supposed to have any visitors, and I knew that if they caught me with Erin, I was toast.
Erin cocked an eyebrow. May I come in? she asked.
Actually. .I said, pulling the door closed behind me. Ive sort of been grounded. For coming home late. Im not supposed to have any visitors. Im just supposed to go to school and come homeno TV, no phone, nothing.
I see. Erins face was a neutral blank. And how long is this going to last?
I grimaced. Two weeks.
I see, Erin said again. We stood there, staring at each other for a few moments. She made no move to leave.
I cleared my throat. So you see, Im not supposed to have any visitors, I began again. Um, my parents are actually thinking about sending me to a Catholic school. So Im trying to pull my grades up. They might change their minds.
Yes, I can appreciate that, Erin replied. But the fact is, Morgan, that Im only going to be here for a short time. Do you take my meaning?
I wavered. Erin was right. I was having a rough time family-wise, but shed come all the way from Scotland and so far hadnt had much of a chance to teach me anything. Something always seemed to get in the way. If I didnt let her in today, her entire trip would be pretty much of a wash.
I brought you some more books, Erin said, pulling off her backpack. A few from my own collection on Irish witches in the medieval period.
Well, I said slowly, I am writing a paper on the persecution of witches.
Then its a school project, isnt it? Erin blinked at me innocently.
That did it. Come in, I said quickly, leading her into the front hall. But my sister is home, so well have to be careful.
Oh, dont worry about me. I wont make a peep, Erin promised. Then she cast a quick see-me-not spell so that Mary K. wouldnt see or hear her as she slipped up the stairs. Not that there was much danger of that, considering the volume of the music pulsing from Mary K.s room.
Sorry its such a mess, I said as I brushed a pile of clothes from my bed to the floor. Dagda, my gray kitten, had been sleeping at the foot of the bed. He stretched and mewed a mild complaint. Erin walked over to him and scratched him under the chin.
Hes a cute one, she said as Dagda stretched his neck and purred contentedly.
I smiled. Dagda had grown quite a bit since Id first gotten him. Now he was looking like a lanky teenager of a cat, with gangly legs and paws that seemed enormous in proportion to the rest of him. Lately he spent all of his time either sleeping or dashing around the house madlyusually in the middle of the night.
Erin dropped her backpack and turned to look at me. Have you finished Legacies of the Great Clans? she asked.
I groaned. Not even half of it, I admitted.
Erin studied my face a moment. How are you feeling?
Like crap, I said bluntly. Ive got a headache that I cant get rid of. I ran my thumb along the ridge of my right eye.
A stabbing pain? she asked. Like a knife to the skull?
That was exactly what it felt like. Pretty much, I agreed.
And your breathing is a little tight? Your chest is heavy? Erin suggested.
I nodded. Is that normal? I asked.
Unfortunately. Erin took my wrist and felt for my pulse. She seemed to think for a moment, then said, Im sorry, Morgan. I know this isnt easy for you.