No. Thats not it.
Whats his problem then?
Jacob leaned down to scoop up another rock. He turned it over and over in his fingers; his eyes were riveted on the black stone while he spoke in a low voice.
When Sam saw . . . how you were in the beginning, when Billy told them how Charlie worried when you didnt get better, and then when you started jumping off cliffs . . .
I made a face. No one was ever going to let me forget that.
Jacobs eyes flashed up to mine. He thought you were the one person in the world with as much reason to hate the Cullens as he does. Sam feels sort of . . . betrayed that you would just let them back into your life like they never hurt you.
I didnt believe for a second that Sam was the only one who felt that way. And the acid in my voice now was for both of them.
You can tell Sam to go right to
Look at that, Jacob interrupted me, pointing to an eagle in the act of plummeting down toward the ocean from an incredible height. It checked itself at the last minute, only its talons breaking the surface of the waves, just for an instant. Then it flapped away, its wings straining against the load of the huge fish it had snagged.
You see it everywhere, Jacob said, his voice suddenly distant. Nature taking its coursehunter and prey, the endless cycle of life and death.
I didnt understand the point of the nature lecture; I guessed that he was just trying to change the subject. But then he looked down at me with dark humor in his eyes.
And yet, you dont see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle. You never see that. He grinned a mocking grin.
I grinned back tightly, though the acid taste was still in my mouth. Maybe the fish was trying, I suggested. Its hard to tell what a fish is thinking. Eagles are good-looking birds, you know.
Is that what it comes down to? His voice was abruptly sharper. Good looks?
Dont be stupid, Jacob.
Is it the money, then? he persisted.
Thats nice, I muttered, getting up from the tree. Im flattered that you think so much of me. I turned my back on him and paced away.
Aw, dont get mad. He was right behind me; he caught my wrist and spun me around. Im serious! Im trying to understand here, and Im coming up blank.
His eyebrows pushed together angrily, and his eyes were black in their deep shadow.
I love him. Not because hes beautiful or because hes rich! I spat the word at Jacob. Id much rather he werent either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bitbecause hed still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person Ive ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?
Its impossible to understand.
Please enlighten me, then, Jacob. I let the sarcasm flow thick. What is a valid reason for someone to love someone else? Since apparently Im doing it wrong.
I think the best place to start would be to look within your own species. That usually works.
Well, that just sucks! I snapped. I guess Im stuck with Mike Newton after all.
Jacob flinched back and bit his lip. I could see that my words had hurt him, but I was too mad to feel bad about that yet. He dropped my wrist and folded his arms across his chest, turning from me to glare toward the ocean.
Im human, he muttered, his voice almost inaudible.
Youre not as human as Mike, I continued ruthlessly. Do you still think thats the most important consideration?
Its not the same thing. Jacob didnt look away from the gray waves. I didnt choose this.
I laughed once in disbelief. Do you think Edward did? He didnt know what was happening to him any more than you did. He didnt exactly sign up for this.
Jacob was shaking his head back and forth with a small, quick movement.
You know, Jacob, youre awfully self-righteousconsidering that youre a werewolf and all.
Its not the same, Jacob repeated, glowering at me.
I dont see why not. You could be a bit more understanding about the Cullens. You have no idea how truly good they areto the core, Jacob.
He frowned more deeply. They shouldnt exist. Their existence goes against nature.
I stared at him for a long moment with one eyebrow raised incredulously. It was a while before he noticed.
What?
Speaking of unnatural . . . , I hinted.
Bella, he said, his voice slow and different. Aged. I realized that he sounded suddenly older than melike a parent or a teacher. What I am was born in me. Its a part of who I am, who my family is, who we all are as a tribeits the reason why were still here.
Besides thathe looked down at me, his black eyes unreadableI am still human.
He picked up my hand and pressed it to his fever-warm chest. Through his t-shirt, I could feel the steady beating of his heart under my palm.
Normal humans cant throw motorcycles around the way you can.
He smiled a faint, half-smile. Normal humans run away from monsters, Bella. And I never claimed to be normal. Just human.
Staying angry with Jacob was too much work. I started to smile as I pulled my hand away from his chest.
You look plenty human to me, I allowed. At the moment.
I feel human. He stared past me, his face far away. His lower lip trembled, and he bit down on it hard.
Oh, Jake, I whispered, reaching for his hand.
This was why I was here. This was why I would take whatever reception waited for me when I got back. Because, underneath all the anger and the sarcasm, Jacob was in pain. Right now, it was very clear in his eyes. I didnt know how to help him, but I knew I had to try. It was more than that I owed him. It was because his pain hurt me, too. Jacob had become a part of me, and there was no changing that now.
5 IMPRINT
ARE YOU OKAY, JAKE? CHARLIE SAID YOU WERE HAVING a hard time. . . . Isnt it getting any better?
His warm hand curled around mine. S not so bad, he said, but he wouldnt meet my eyes.
He walked slowly back to the driftwood bench, staring at the rainbow-colored pebbles, and pulling me along at his side. I sat back down on our tree, but he sat on the wet, rocky ground rather than next to me. I wondered if it was so that he could hide his face more easily. He kept my hand.
I started babbling to fill the silence. Its been so long since I was here. Ive probably missed a ton of things. How are Sam and Emily? And Embry? Did Quil ?
I broke off mid-sentence, remembering that Jacobs friend Quil had been a sensitive subject.
Ah, Quil, Jacob sighed.
So then it must have happenedQuil must have joined the pack.
Im sorry, I mumbled.
To my surprise, Jacob snorted. Dont say that to him.
What do you mean?
Quils not looking for pity. Just the oppositehes jazzed. Totally thrilled.
This made no sense to me. All the other wolves had been so depressed at the idea of their friend sharing their fate. Huh?
Jacob tilted his head back to look at me. He smiled and rolled his eyes.
Quil thinks its the coolest thing thats ever happened to him. Part of it is finally knowing whats going on. And hes excited to have his friends backto be part of the in crowd. Jacob snorted again. Shouldnt be surprised, I guess. Its so Quil.
He likes it?
Honestly . . . most of them do, Jacob admitted slowly. There are definitely good sides to thisthe speed, the freedom, the strength . . . the sense ofof family. . . . Sam and I are the only ones who ever felt really bitter. And Sam got past that a long time ago. So Im the crybaby now. Jacob laughed at himself.
There were so many things I wanted to know. Why are you and Sam different? What happened to Sam anyway? Whats his problem? The questions tumbled out without room to answer them, and Jacob laughed again.
Is he ready to kill me? Jacob asked with a grim smile, unconcerned by my anger.
Not like you seem to be! I realized I was yelling. At least he can be a grown-up about this. He knows that hurting you would hurt meand so he never would. You dont seem to care about that at all!
Yeah, right, Jacob muttered. Im sure hes quite the pacifist.
Ugh! I ripped my hand out of his and shoved his head away. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them.
I glared out toward the horizon, fuming.
Jacob was quiet for a few minutes. Finally, he got up off the ground and sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders. I shook it off.
Sorry, he said quietly. Ill try to behave myself.
I didnt answer.
Do you still want to hear about Sam? he offered.
I shrugged.
Thats a long story. Id seen the long gash clearly, seen the blood that flowed into the sink. The rust-and-salt smell of it had almost pulled me under. It should have needed stitches. It should have taken days to scab over and then weeks to fade into the shiny pink scar that marked his skin now.
I told you a long story. Besides, Im not in any hurry to get back, I said, and then I grimaced as I thought of the trouble I would be in. He screwed his mouth up into half a smile and thumped his fist once against his chest. Werewolf, remember?
He looked up at me swiftly, hearing the double edge in my words. Will he be mad at you? His eyes held mine for an immeasurable moment.
Yes, I admitted. He really hates it when I do things he considers . . . risky. Right, I finally said.
Like hanging out with werewolves. He laughed at my expression. I told you this. You saw Pauls scar.
Yeah. I shook my head to clear it. Its a little different, seeing the action sequence firsthand.
Jacob shrugged. So dont go back. Ill sleep on the couch. I kneeled down and dug the bleach out of the cabinet under the sink. Then I poured some on a dusting rag and started scrubbing the floor. The burning scent of the bleach cleared the last of the dizziness from my head.
Thats a great idea, I grumbled. Because then he would come looking for me. Let me clean up, Jacob said.
Jacob stiffened, and then smiled bleakly. Would he? I got this. Throw that towel in the wash, will you?
If he was afraid I was hurt or somethingprobably. When I was sure the floor smelled of nothing but bleach, I got up and rinsed the right side of the sink with bleach, too. Then I went to the laundry closet beside the pantry, and poured a cupful into the washing machine before starting it. Jacob watched me with a disapproving look on his face.
My ideas sounding better all the time. Do you have obsessive-compulsive disorder? he asked when I was done.
Please, Jake. That really bugs me. Huh. Maybe. But at least I had a good excuse this time. Were a bit sensitive to blood around here. Im sure you can understand that.
What does? Oh. He wrinkled his nose again.
Like I said, its a long story. And very . . . strange. Therere so many strange things about this new life. I havent had time to tell you the half of it. And this thing with Samwell, I dont know if Ill even be able to explain it right.
His words pricked my curiosity in spite of my irritation.
Im listening, I said stiffly.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the side of his face pull up in a smile.
Sam had it so much harder than the rest of us. Because he was the first, and he was alone, and he didnt have anyone to tell him what was happening. Sams grandfather died before he was born, and his father has never been around. There was no one there to recognize the signs. The first time it happenedthe first time he phasedhe thought hed gone insane. It took him two weeks to calm down enough to change back.
This was before you came to Forks, so you wouldnt remember. Sams mother and Leah Clearwater had the forest rangers searching for him, the police. People thought there had been an accident or something. . . .
Leah? I asked, surprised. Leah was Harrys daughter. Hearing her name sent an automatic surge of pity through me. Harry Clearwater, Charlies life-long friend, had died of a heart attack this past spring.
His voice changed, became heavier. Yeah. Leah and Sam were high school sweethearts. They started dating when she was just a freshman. She was frantic when he disappeared.
But he and Emily
Ill get to thatits part of the story, he said. He inhaled slowly, and then exhaled in a gust.
I supposed it was silly for me to imagine that Sam had never loved anyone before Emily. Most people fall in and out of love many times in their lives. It was just that Id seen Sam with Emily, and I couldnt imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her . . . well, it reminded me of a look Id seen sometimes in Edwards eyeswhen he was looking at me.
Sam came back, Jacob said, but he wouldnt talk to anyone about where hed been. Rumors flewthat he was up to no good, mostly. And then Sam happened to run in to Quils grandfather one afternoon when Old Quil Ateara came to visit Mrs. Uley. Sam shook his hand. Old Quil just about had a stroke. Jacob paused to laugh.
Why?
Jacob put his hand on my cheek and pulled my face around to look at himhe was leaning toward me, his face was just a few inches away. His palm burned my skin, like he had a fever.
Oh, right, I said. It was uncomfortable, having my face so close to his with his hand hot against my skin. Sam was running a temperature.
Jacob laughed again. Sams hand felt like hed left it sitting on a hot stovetop.
He was so close, I could feel his warm breath. I reached up casually, to take his hand away and free my face, but wound my fingers through his so that I wouldnt hurt his feelings. He smiled and leaned back, undeceived by my attempt at nonchalance.
So Mr. Ateara went straight to the other elders, Jacob went on. They were the only ones left who still knew, who remembered. Mr. Ateara, Billy, and Harry had actually seen their grandfathers make the change. When Old Quil told them, they met with Sam secretly and explained.
It was easier when he understoodwhen he wasnt alone anymore. They knew he wouldnt be the only one affected by the Cullens returnhe pronounced the name with unconscious bitternessbut no one else was old enough. So Sam waited for the rest of us to join him. . . .
The Cullens had no idea, I said in a whisper. They didnt think that werewolves still existed here. They didnt know that coming here would change you.
It doesnt change the fact that it did.
Remind me not to get on your bad side.
You think I should be as forgiving as you are? We cant all be saints and martyrs.
Grow up, Jacob.
I wish I could, he murmured quietly.
I stared at him, trying to make sense of his response. What?
Jacob chuckled. One of those many strange things I mentioned.
You . . . cant . . . grow up? I said blankly. Youre what? Not . . . aging? Is that a joke?
Nope. He popped his lips on the P.
I felt blood flood my face. Tearstears of ragefilled my eyes. My teeth mashed together with an audible grinding sound.
Bella? What did I say?
I was on my feet again, my hands balled up into fists, my whole frame shaking.
You. Are. Not. Aging, I growled through my teeth.
Jacob tugged my arm gently, trying to make me sit. None of us are. Whats wrong with you?
Am I the only one who has to get old? I get older every stinking day! I nearly shrieked, throwing my hands in the air. Some little part of me recognized that I was throwing a Charlie-esque fit, but that rational part was greatly overshadowed by the irrational part. Damn it! What kind of world is this? Wheres the justice?
Take it easy, Bella.
Shut up, Jacob. Just shut up! This is so unfair!
Did you seriously just stamp your foot? I thought girls only did that on TV.
I growled unimpressively.
Its not as bad as you seem to think it is. Sit down and Ill explain.
Ill stand.
He rolled his eyes. Okay. Whatever you want. But listen, I will get older . . . someday.
Explain.
He patted the tree. I glowered for a second, but then sat; my temper had burned out as suddenly as it had flared and Id calmed down enough to realize that I was making a fool of myself.
When we get enough control to quit . . . , Jacob said. When we stop phasing for a solid length of time, we age again. Its not easy. He shook his head, abruptly doubtful. Its gonna take a really long time to learn that kind of restraint, I think. Even Sams not there yet. Course it doesnt help that theres a huge coven of vampires right down the road. We cant even think about quitting when the tribe needs protectors. But you shouldnt get all bent out of shape about it, anyway, because Im already older than you, physically at least.
What are you talking about?
Look at me, Bells. Do I look sixteen?
I glanced up and down his mammoth frame, trying to be unbiased. Not exactly, I guess.
Not at all. Because we reach full growth inside of a few months when the werewolf gene gets triggered. Its one hell of a growth spurt. He made a face. Physically, Im probably twenty-five or something. So theres no need for you to freak out about being too old for me for at least another seven years.
Twenty-five or something. The idea messed with my head. But I remembered that growth spurtI remembered watching him shoot up and fill out right before my eyes. I remembered how he would look different from one day to the next. . . . I shook my head, feeling dizzy.
So, did you want to hear about Sam, or did you want to scream at me some more for things that are out of my control?
I took a deep breath. Sorry. Age is a touchy subject for me. That hit a nerve.
Jacobs eyes tightened, and he looked as if he were trying to decide how to word something.
Since I didnt want to talk about the truly touchy stuffmy plans for the future, or treaties that might be broken by said plans, I prompted him. So once Sam understood what was going on, once he had Billy and Harry and Mr. Ateara, you said it wasnt so hard anymore. And, like you also said, there are the cool parts. . . . I hesitated briefly. Why does Sam hate them so much? Why does he wish I would hate them?
Jacob sighed. This is the really weird part.
Im a pro at weird.
Yeah, I know. He grinned before he continued. So, youre right. Sam knew what was going on, and everything was almost okay. In most ways, his life was back to, well, not normal. But better. Then Jacobs expression tightened, like something painful was coming. Sam couldnt tell Leah. We arent supposed to tell anyone who doesnt have to know. And it wasnt really safe for him to be around herbut he cheated, just like I did with you. Leah was furious that he wouldnt tell her what was going onwhere hed been, where he went at night, why he was always so exhaustedbut they were working it out. They were trying. They really loved each other.
Did she find out? Is that what happened?
He shook his head. No, that wasnt the problem. Her cousin, Emily Young, came down from the Makah reservation to visit her one weekend.
I gasped. Emily is Leahs cousin?
Second cousins. Theyre close, though. They were like sisters when they were kids.
Thats . . . horrible. How could Sam . . . ? I trailed off, shaking my head.
Dont judge him just yet. Did anyone ever tell you . . . Have you ever heard of imprinting?
Imprinting? I repeated the unfamiliar word. No. Whats that mean?
Its one of those bizarre things we have to deal with. It doesnt happen to everyone. In fact, its the rare exception, not the rule. Sam had heard all the stories by then, the stories we all used to think were legends. Hed heard of imprinting, but he never dreamed . . .
What is it? I prodded.
Jacobs eyes strayed to the ocean. Sam did love Leah. But when he saw Emily, that didnt matter anymore. Sometimes . . . we dont exactly know why . . . we find our mates that way. His eyes flashed back to me, his face reddening. I mean . . . our soul mates.
What way? Love at first sight? I snickered.
Jacob wasnt smiling. His dark eyes were critical of my reaction. Its a little bit more powerful than that. More absolute.
Sorry, I muttered. Youre serious, arent you?
Yeah, I am.
Love at first sight? But more powerful? My voice still sounded dubious, and he could hear that.
Its not easy to explain. It doesnt matter, anyway. He shrugged indifferently. You wanted to know what happened to Sam to make him hate the vampires for changing him, to make him hate himself. And thats what happened. He broke Leahs heart. He went back on every promise hed ever made her. Every day he has to see the accusation in her eyes, and know that shes right.
He stopped talking abruptly, as if hed said something he hadnt meant to.
How did Emily deal with this? If she was so close to Leah . . . ? Sam and Emily were utterly right together, two puzzle pieces, shaped for each other exactly. Still . . . how had Emily gotten past the fact that hed belonged to someone else? Her sister, almost.
She was real angry, in the beginning. But its hard to resist that level of commitment and adoration. Jacob sighed. And then, Sam could tell her everything. There are no rules that can bind you when you find your other half. You know how she got hurt?
Yeah. The story in Forks was that she was mauled by a bear, but I was in on the secret.
Werewolves are unstable, Edward had said. The people near them get hurt.
Well, weirdly enough, that was sort of how they resolved things. Sam was so horrified, so sickened by himself, so full of hate for what hed done. . . . He would have thrown himself under a bus if it would have made her feel better. He might have anyway, just to escape what hed done. He was shattered. . . . Then, somehow, she was the one comforting him, and after that. . . .
Jacob didnt finish his thought, and I sensed the story had gotten too personal to share.
Poor Emily, I whispered. Poor Sam. Poor Leah. . . .
Yeah, Leah got the worst end of the stick, he agreed. She puts on a brave face. Shes going to be a bridesmaid.
I gazed away, toward the jagged rocks that rose from the ocean like stubby broken-off fingers on the south rim of the harbor, while I tried to make sense of it all. I could feel his eyes on my face, waiting for me to say something.
Did it happen to you? I finally asked, still looking away. This love-at-first-sight thing?
No, he answered briskly. Sam and Jared are the only ones.
Hmm, I said, trying to sound only politely interested. I was relieved, and I tried to explain my reaction to myself. I decided I was just glad he didnt claim there was some mystical, wolfy connection between the two of us. Our relationship was confusing enough as it was. I didnt need any more of the supernatural than I already had to deal with.
He was quiet, too, and the silence felt a little awkward. My intuition told me that I didnt want to hear what he was thinking.
How did that work out for Jared? I asked to break the silence.
No drama there. It was just a girl hed sat next to in school every day for a year and never looked at twice. And then, after he changed, he saw her again and never looked away. Kim was thrilled. Shed had a huge crush on him. Shed had his last name tacked on to the end of hers all over in her diary. He laughed mockingly.
I frowned. Did Jared tell you that? He shouldnt have.
Jacob bit his lip. I guess I shouldnt laugh. It was funny, though.
Some soul mate.
He sighed. Jared didnt tell us anything on purpose. I already told you this part, remember?
Oh, yeah. You can hear each others thoughts, but only when youre wolves, right?
Right. Just like your bloodsucker. He glowered.
Edward, I corrected.
Sure, sure. Thats how come I know so much about how Sam felt. Its not like he would have told us all that if hed had a choice. Actually, thats something we all hate. The bitterness was abruptly harsh in his voice. Its awful. No privacy, no secrets. Everything youre ashamed of, laid out for everyone to see. He shuddered.
It sounds horrible, I whispered.
It is sometimes helpful when we need to coordinate, he said grudgingly. Once in a blue moon, when some bloodsucker crosses into our territory. Laurent was fun. And if the Cullens hadnt gotten in our way last Saturday . . . ugh! he groaned. We could have had her! His fists clenched into angry balls.
I flinched. As much as I worried about Jasper or Emmett getting hurt, it was nothing like the panic I felt at the idea of Jacob going up against Victoria. Emmett and Jasper were the closest thing to indestructible I could imagine. Jacob was still warm, still comparatively human. Mortal. I thought of Jacob facing Victoria, her brilliant hair blowing around her oddly feline face . . . and shuddered.
Jacob looked up at me with a curious expression. But isnt it like that for you all the time? Having him in your head?
Oh, no. Edwards never in my head. He only wishes.
Jacobs expression became confused.
He cant hear me, I explained, my voice a tiny bit smug from old habit. Im the only one like that, for him. We dont know why he cant.
Weird, Jacob said.
Yeah. The smugness faded. It probably means theres something wrong with my brain, I admitted.
I already knew there was something wrong with your brain, Jacob muttered.
Thanks.
The sun broke through the clouds suddenly, a surprise I hadnt been expecting, and I had to narrow my eyes against the glare off the water. Everything changed colorthe waves turned from gray to blue, the trees from dull olive to brilliant jade, and the rainbow-hued pebbles glittered like jewels.
We squinted for a moment, letting our eyes adjust. There were no sounds besides the hollow roar of the waves that echoed from every side of the sheltered harbor, the soft grinding of the stones against each other under the waters movement, and the cry of gulls high overhead. It was very peaceful.
Jacob settled closer to me, so that he was leaning against my arm. He was so warm. After a minute of this, I shrugged out of my rain jacket. He made a little sound of contentment in the back of his throat, and rested his cheek on the top of my head. I could feel the sun heat my skinthought it was not quite as warm as Jacoband I wondered idly how long it would take me to burn.
Absentmindedly, I twisted my right hand to the side, and watched the sunlight glitter subtly off the scar James had left there.
What are you thinking about? he murmured.
The sun.
Mmm. Its nice.
What are you thinking about? I asked.
He chuckled to himself. I was remembering that moronic movie you took me to. And Mike Newton puking all over everything.
I laughed, too, surprised by how time had changed the memory. It used to be one of stress, of confusion. So much had changed that night. . . . And now I could laugh. It was the last night Jacob and I had had before hed learned the truth about his heritage. The last human memory. An oddly pleasant memory now.
I miss that, Jacob said. The way it used to be so easy . . . uncomplicated. Im glad Ive got a good memory. He sighed.
He felt the sudden tension in my body as his words triggered a memory of my own.
What is it? he asked.
About that good memory of yours . . . I pulled away from him so that I could read his face. At the moment, it was confused. Do you mind telling me what you were doing Monday morning? You were thinking something that bothered Edward. Bothered wasnt quite the word for it, but I wanted an answer, so I thought it was best not to start out too severely.
Jacobs face brightened with understanding, and he laughed. I was just thinking about you. Didnt like that much, did he?
Me? What about me?
Jacob laughed, with a harder edge this time. I was remembering the way you looked that night Sam found youIve seen it in his head, and its like I was there; that memory has always haunted Sam, you know. And then I remembered how you looked the first time you came to my place. I bet you dont even realize what a mess you were then, Bella. It was weeks before you started to look human again. And I remembered how you always used to have your arms wrapped around yourself, trying to hold yourself together. . . . Jacob winced, and then shook his head. Its hard for me to remember how sad you were, and it wasnt my fault. So I figured it would be harder for him. And I thought he ought to get a look at what hed done.