Suddenly I realize that while he was listening to my whining he had taken my hand and was caressing it with tenderness to console me. His touch... I have not time to think about the effect that makes me his hand on mine that, all of a sudden, he takes my face in his hand and, looking intensely into my eyes, says: <<Do not get discouraged, focus on one thing at a time! Is the choreography important now? Then just concentrate on that and think about how much you worked to get here. Take the passion and the love you feel for this work and act. You are hard-nosed and you can do it. You must not give way to despair for some steps, we all have bad days.>>
I do not know whether to be more upset about the emotion Im feeling with his hands on my face or about the hindrance to the choreography.
<<I feel so stupid.>> I think aloud.
<<Why? Were all allowed to become demoralised, the important thing is not to lose heart and find the strength to fight!>>
<<You are right, stop being depressed! Now I will go down and Ill try again and again the steps until they will be perfect, at the cost of spending all night like that. Thank you, Matthias.>> I say to him, blushing.
<<Good! I want to see you always so full of spirit.>> he concludes, giving me two kisses on the cheeks and freeing my face from his hands.
I needed him to find determination and will to fight and it is thanks to him that I find myself again in the gym more positively charged and motivated than before. Of course, problems with Max remain, but I can not talk about them with Matthias, probably he would not take it well. However, I can not stop thinking about his hand that caressed mine; at that time I felt butterflies in my stomach... I must stop thinking about it!
While Im focused on what Im doing, I jerk for the sudden squeak of the door. Roberta bursts into the gym paying no attention to my puzzlement: <<How does your workout proceed?>>
<<Good Lord, Isabel! You scared me! Good evening to you too... What are you doing here? Has something happened?>> I ask her doubtfully.
Usually she advises before coming to visit me. I perceive a negative sensation...
<<Isabel, I need to ask you a big favour...you see, I dont know how to tell you it. I want you to help me...>> she says without looking at me, almost as if she feared my reaction.
<<Tell me, you know Id do anything for you!>> I exclaim intrigued.
<<Would you help me to win Matthias?>> she asks me quickly and always more intimidated in a now or never style.
This request is like a bolt from the blue that runs through me and I say the first thing that goes through my head. <<I dont know if I can help you.>>
<<Are you jealous?>> Robbie asks me scornfully, regaining confidence in herself.
Its certain that this day is going from bad to worse!
My blood froze in my veins, I feel like a thief caught red-handed. I rebut without ruminate too much: <<Absolutely not! What are you thinking about? Matthias is just a friend. It is that becoming friendly with him I learned that he is very busy with his work and therefore he does not have time for anything else.>> I realize that Im trying to justify myself clutching at straws and saying the first stupid thing that can save me.
<<Is he involved only with his job?>> she asks me sarcastically, showing off a hateful malicious smile.
<<Stop with these turns of phrase! Okay, Ill try it, but do not blame me if nothing will happen between you.>>
<<At least we will have tried it!>> she exclaims looking at me badly.
<<Yeah right! you are perfectly right, theres no harm in trying.>> I say to her with a fake smile.
<<Forgive me if I came here without giving you notice. I tried to call you but, as usual, you forgot to turn on the ringtone. Since I was in the neighbourhood I dropped in quickly. We havent seen for days and anyway I would also come just to say hello.>>
<<You did well, you know that Im always happy to see you. Would you like some tea, coffee or a cold drink?>>
<<No, thanks. I have to run off! My visit is a hit-and-run.>>
<<Okay, I give up...>> I say, raising my hands in surrender.
<<I leave you alone to your splits and turns. Dont overwork yourself too much, Isabel. You have an anxious and tired face, you look also slimmed down. Take care!>> she says, hugging me with affection. Time to say goodbye and she went away leaving me upset and thoughtful.
Returning home, Roberta meets Max and decides to talk to him about the conversation she had with her friend just a moment ago, about Isabels strange attitudes and about her presumed doubts. They both suppose that theres the likelihood that Isabel is falling in love with the handsome Matthias.
Its night but I can not sleep. Max continues to be angry with me, Robbie is all over me and asks me impossible favours, Im tired, I have many important things on which I have to focus and they give me no respite. Dont they realize that Im at a delicate phase? Im about to have a nervous breakdown! Then there is Matthias, yeah, Matthias... At this time Id like to leave for another galaxy!
I dont know what to do. My head is about to explode with all this thinking.
If I could Id go on a mountain top and Id scream with all my strength Matthias is right, I must concentrate on one thing at a time. Now the ballet school is important. Stop thinking about Max and Robbies bullshit! I curl up under the blanket and finally my eyelids begin to get heavy. I just want to sleep and not to think about anything and anybody.
V
Walking lightheartedly towards home, some screams draw my attention. I recognise Matthias voice, I look towards the direction from which the yells come and I witness an unpleasant scene. At the front door theres him who is arguing with two men with a dodgy face. Without anyone noticing it I stop to understand what they might want from him; but when Matthias notices my presence he asks me in an aggressive way to leave them alone. This attitude caught me off guard, I have never heard him use that tone of voice before, especially with me. I say nothing and look at him in a bad way, although in reality I wanted to insult him heavily. How dare he address me in this way? What have I done to be treated thus? Im furious but at the same time worried. Those fellows make the skin crawl. I hope he doesnt work with such kind of people or even worse that he hangs out with them. Surely its not like that. I dont see him going around with that kind of people. Who are they? What do they want from him?
My curiosity thunders, I have a strong desire to go to him and to bombard him with questions. I dont do it not to seem nosy and above all I dont do it for pride. He could use other manners! I stay all the afternoon in my bedroom to study and to avoid meeting him. But my concern gets the better of my intentions. After all is said and done he has always been there for me when I needed it. I arm myself with strength and courage and I go towards his bedroom. Now or never!
Despite my legs tremble I decide to knock on the door of Matthias bedroom.
<<Come in>> he says with a calm tone of voice.
<<Forgive me if I turn up here, I dont want to seem intrusive or indiscreet, but I wanted to talk to you about what happened today out here.>> Matthias listens but he doesnt look at me.
<<Do you remember when a little time ago I was depressed and you were there for me? Well, I owe it to you; so if you want to let off steam or distract yourself, Im here for you.>>
<<Actually, I was just coming to get you to apologise to you. I realised that I have been an asshole, I treated you badly for nothing. Forgive me but I was very nervous because of those two men who were there with me.>>
<<Do you want to talk about it?>> I ask, hoping of being able to bring back the smile on his beautiful face, but also to have some answers.
<<Im sorry, Isabel, but I dont want to talk about it now. I swear that Ill do it as soon as Ill be more relaxed. Youll be the first one to whom Ill tell everything.>>
I remain puzzled and disappointed that he doesnt want to open himself up to me. I nod to let him know that I understand.
Finally he raises his wonderful eyes towards me, takes my hand and pulls me towards him. <<Come on, sit down and tell me how your plans for the future evolve.>> he says making me sit beside him on his bed.
Good Lord! Staying so close to him is a torture. I immediately move the mischievous thoughts away from my mind and breathing deeply I reconnect my brain. I came here because I wanted some answers and instead he clearly changes the subject to avoid me to make him other questions to which he doesnt want to answer. He will certainly think that Im nosy! I accept his discretion in keeping his thoughts to himself and answer: <<All right, thanks!>>
<<And how is you friend Roberta? Its some time since Ive seen her.>>
Why does he ask me it? I realized that I stiffened and pretending not to notice anything I answer without dwelling too much: <<Shes fine, thanks! You know, actually I should ask you something from her. Its already a few days that she asked me it but I never had a chance to do it. She would like to know if you want to spend some time with her. You could go out together one evening; she would love it very much.>>
I dont know why but I have a fucking fear of his answer. My blood is boiling and I would never have asked it. Im an emeritus idiot! Id rather crash to the ground than see Matthias with another woman, much less with my best friend!
<<Roberta is very pretty, but my heart and my thoughts belong to another woman.>> Matthias answers looking down at the floor.
Suddenly I have a tachycardia attack. I can not even look at him, I just want to get out of this fucking bedroom.
Roberta is absolutely right; I fell in love with Matthias since the first moment I saw him. From the very moment he came into my life, I was enchanted by him and then little by little I began to feel something deeper. The only thought that he could be connected with another woman hurts me. I would have never entered into his bedroom. I try to hold on for not making anything leak. Without looking at him to prevent him from noticing my frame of mind, I spell out: <<I understand, forgive me for the intrusiveness!>>
To avoid showing him my sadness, I say a trivial excuse to get out of this miserable situation: <<Forgive me again for having infringed on your privacy, I have to go help my mother for dinner, now.>>
<<Dont worry, thanks for asking, Isabel. Remember that you can come here and talk to me whenever you want!>>
<<Thank you.>> I whisper.
I go out the door, breath deeply and rush to my bedroom to suffer in silence and far from prying eyes.
I dont know how many hours Im locked here crying, I feel emptied, I have not even come down for dinner. Now that I have the awareness that Im in love with Matthias I dont know what to do. How can I get him out of my head? I cant believe he loves another woman. Whos she? Isabel, you are very idiot! How could you even think for a moment that a guy like that could not have someone? I realize that actually I know nothing about him. How could this happen? Why did I fall in love with him? He is so unattainable, incomprehensible and with a fluctuating mood. Look whos talking! My mood also is unstable lately. I begin to understand the reason of my disquiet. In recent months I have not fixed points. Am I in love with Max? I dont know... Im attached to him but I have never felt with him what I feel when I look at or think of Matthias. Max has always been my friend. Can it really be that I have agreed to get engaged to him only because of exhaustion? At the beginning I was happy, at least I believe it. We were often in touch but its also true that most of the time it has always been him who bended over backwards for me. I like him physically, he has a wonderful smile and in the past he made me feel safe in his arms. I feel like shit towards him. I have to get Matthias off my mind! Come back on planet Earth, Isabel! You are engaged to a man who loves you and would do anything for you! Poor Max, Im hurting his feelings. From tomorrow onwards I must avoid Matthias and I must only think about passing my last exams and realizing my dream.
VI
My parents have organised for me a surprise party to help me find some peace of mind and to gratify me for the efforts of recent months. They have invited all my friends, including Matthias.
Im really surprised and happy. Fortunately in the last period its much better with Max. We are again so harmonious to make anybody envious, the classical perfect couple. Im succeeding in calming down and in masking my feelings for Matthias. I have understand that we do not belong together and that nothing will ever happen between us. Its not fair to think about or desire the man of another and above all its not fair to hurt the man who loves me. The more I look around me, the more I realize how much lucky I am.
Everybody seems to have fun and the party organised by my parents is taking place for the best; the food is great, my mother has prepared my favourite dishes and everybody is submerging me in affection and gifts.
<<Come on, Isabel! Unwrap your presents>> Rossana urges, distracting me from my thoughts.
<<Yes, come here, so youll see them too!>> I say to her, knowing her curiosity.
The guys gave me a tracksuit and the girls gave me two sets of underwear: one is in black lace and the other is always in lace but pale pink and with a so narrow g-string that wearing it will not leave anything to the imagination.
A note draws my attention:
Watching you dance will always move me. You can make me enjoy the feeling of freedom, your every movement is poetry for me. Matthias
Reading it I panic for a moment. I open the box that accompanied the note to see what it contains and with amazement I find an iPod.
I look at Matthias and he tells me with a smile: <<This is more convenient that the mobile phone to listen to music when you go running.>>
<<Thank you>> I say to him smiling shyly.
Amazing! He is a good observer. I think no one has ever paid attention to what I wear and what I use to listen to music when I go running.
I get distracted by the doorbell, someone is ringing the bell and I wonder who it is. Heres my curiosity is rewarded: there are some unwelcome guests, the two thugs with whom Matthias was quarrelling long ago at the front door.
Matthias stiffens in their presence. He invites them to go out accompanying them to the door and he goes away with them, leaving the party without saying goodbye.
I am very worried about him, I have thoughts more and more confused. I wonder what he conceals and what those nasty people want from him.