Rachel schooled her features. She didnt want Mom G. to know how upsetting she found the subject of Josh. She didnt want her to know she still hurt deep inside her heart, in a far corner she pretended didnt exist.
Dont avoid this Rachel.
Rachel met Mom G.s gaze straight on. Theres nothing to avoid. Josh isnt a part of my life and hes not going to be.
Tears gathered at the corners of Mom G.s eyes. He needs you.
Mom G.s sadness tore at Rachel. She wouldnt be able to make Mom G. happy. Not if her happiness involved Josh. This is upsetting you.
He needs you, Mom G. insisted.
Slowly Rachel shook her head. Hes never needed me.
But he does. Rachel, hes always loved you and you still love him.
A double-edged sword of hurt and anger sliced through her. Her heart raced and her blood pounded in her ears. Josh didnt love her. She doubted he ever had.
As for her loving himShe closed her eyes briefly and hardened her heart. Been there, done that. Not doing it again. Emotions would not control her actions. Her goal in life was to make sure her mother hadnt died in vain, not to resurrect her relationship with Josh.
She opened her eyes and took a calming breath, regaining her composure. Its not a matter of love. Josh had an idea of what he wanted in a wife and I wasnt it. He wanted someone I couldnt be.
But that was then.
Rachel lifted one shoulder. Nothing has changed. Im still who I am.
But they need you.
They? Rachel figured she must mean Josh and his father, Rod.
Mom G. dropped her gaze and sighed, but not before Rachel saw the disappointment in her eyes. She wouldnt say anything to encourage Mom G. She and Josh were history. And nothing could change that.
Tell me about your new position.
Rachel nodded, thankful for a subject shed have no trouble discussing, a subject that didnt make her suffer deep in her soul.
Because no matter how she looked at it, the subject of Josh would only bring her heartache.
The late-afternoon sun began to make its descent behind the mountain range, the fading light casting long shadows across the yard and backlighting Joshs Victorian house. Coming home at the end of the day always gave him a sense of satisfaction and peace. Hed worked long and hard refurbishing the broken-down Victorian, preserving as much of the original woodwork as possible. The overgrown land and swamp of a built-in pool had required hours of grueling labor to bring out the potential hed known lay underneath. Hed created a stable sanctuary for his son and managed to ignore the vague feeling of incompleteness that plagued him at night.
Josh eased open the large solid-oak front door far enough to squeeze through. He didnt want a squeak of the hinge to herald his arrival. He wasnt ready to see his family, whom he could hear in the kitchen. He needed time, time to sort out the struggle going on inside of him.
He took the hardwood stairs slowly, placing each foot carefully in the spots where they wouldnt creak. In his room he closed the door and sat on the bed. With his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands.
All the way home hed kept the thoughts at bay, forcing his mind into a blank numbness. But now they wouldnt be held back. Had Rachel really not known about Andrea? Shed seemed genuinely surprised, and remorseful. His heart told him she hadnt known, which only confirmed his belief that once shed left town shed never looked back.
Just like his mother.
Andrea. Sweet Andrea. Guilt engulfed him. He groaned, a deep, gut-wrenching sound that echoed in the quiet of his room.
Lord, its too much to bear. Please take my guilt.
The plea went up as it had a hundred times before, but Josh snatched his plea back before he could feel any relief. He didnt deserve Gods attention and mentally flogged himself with the pain of his guilt.
He hadnt loved Andrea enough. Not the way shed needed to be loved. Hed tried to be a good husband. Hed encouraged her, supported her, provided for her. Hed given her everything he could but not the one thing shed wantedall of his heart.
Josh scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe away the sting of his self-loathing.
It was his fault Andrea was dead.
Because he couldnt erase Rachel from his heart.
Rachel. Was she right that hed only wanted a wife, any wife? Had he been that arrogant and selfish? Hed tried to love Andrea with the same intensity hed loved Rachel, but it had never happened.
Should he have pursued Rachel after she left? According to her, yes. But would his pursuit have changed anything? Would she have come back to the mountains to be his wife?
No, she wouldnt have.
And he couldnt have lived in the city playing second fiddle to her career.
Josh stood and paced, the leather soles of his shoes leaving indents in the dark green carpet. In the back of his mind a thought crept up, making him pause. Had he held his heart from Andrea because he was afraid to love her too deeply?
He clenched his jaw. It didnt matter now.
What hed had to give hadnt been enough for Andrea. Hed lost her, just as hed lost Rachel and his mother. Because he was not enough. And he was never going to make the mistake of trying to love again.
Now Rachel was back. He had every intention of not seeing her again before she left. He would have to plan his visits to Mrs. G. for when Rachel wouldnt be around.
Because this time he wouldnt be left behind with a broken heart.
Silvery light filtered into the hospital room, filling in the shadows created by the bedside lamp.
In the emergency room we Rachel paused as she noticed Mom G. fighting to keep her eyes open. Here, now. Ive talked enough. You should rest.
Mom G. smiled slightly. Your life sounds very interesting, dear.
It can be. Satisfaction in her career grew through the research shed done and the triage techniques shed implemented so far. But so much more could be done to improve the quality of patient care, and every day she spent in the emergency room was a new adventure.
She liked delivering babies the best. Liked the amazing miracle of life. Gods wondrous process for continuing humanity. Sometimes shed thought about switching gears and going into obstetrics or pediatrics, but she didnt want the emotional attachments those specialties would bring. In the E.R., patients came, they left. Her heart wasnt at risk and her mind stayed focused on her goal.
Rachel, would you read to me for a bit?
Of course. What?
Mom G. pointed to the small bedside table. My Bibles in the drawer.
She pulled out the black Bible, the same Bible that Mom G. had read to her from years ago. The worn black leather grew warm beneath her hands. I remember this Bible. She glanced at Mom G. For a moment it appeared Mom G. had fallen asleep. Then she opened her eyes and smiled. Rachel looked questioningly at her.
Mom G. sighed. I think the Psalms would be soothing.
Rachel opened the book and the once-familiar scent of Mom G.s soft, powdery perfume wafted from the yellowed pages. A pang of nostalgia tugged at her heartstrings.
Rachel?
She paused and glanced up. Yes?
Would you do something for me?
Anything.
Anything.
Mom G. gazed at her intently. Would you call Josh?
Rachel drew back. She didnt want to talk with Josh. Call him?
I want to talk to you both.
Im sure hell come tomorrow. Rachel would make sure she took the opportunity to speak with Dr. Kessler in his office while Josh visited so they wouldnt have to see each other.
Mom G. nodded. Yes, but I want to make sure. I want to see you both together.
She lifted her brows. Together? Inside, she cringed. Shed come to town for Mom G., not to spend time with Josh.
Please, Mom G. implored.
Rachel couldnt deny her the request. If Mom G. wanted to see them together then theyd be here together. Even if seeing Josh was painful, Rachel would do it, for Mom G. Ill call him. So much for keeping her distance.
Mom G. relaxed. Thank you.
Her chest hurt with love for Mom G. She leaned over and kissed her cheek. Youre welcome.
She sat back and stared at the open Bible in her lap. She didnt like the quiver of anticipation racing along her limbs at the thought of seeing Josh again. It was a purely physical reaction. Just because she found him attractive meant nothing.
She read King Davids Psalms. Lord, speak to me. I need Your guidance. After all, she was who she was and the past was the past. There was only now, for Mom G. But Rachel didnt feel comforted by that thought.
A familiar sense of hurt filled her, reminding her of the pain loving Josh had caused. She would keep her focus on her path in life and fortify the fortress around her heart. She refused to allow him back in because once there he would make her want something she wasnt able to havea life with him.
Chapter Three
Moonlight bathed the old Victorian in a soft glow as the community of Sonora settled down to enjoy another peaceful night nestled at the foot of the Sierra Nevadas. The Taylor men relaxed together in the cozy warmth of the living room. Josh had read in some parent-oriented magazine that children needed a calming home environment. Hed tried to make the inside of the house as comfortable and welcoming as possible with furniture that, in soothing greens and blues, invited relaxation yet was durable for a growing boy like Griff.
Josh liked this time of evening. He could talk to his son and find out about his day. What hed done, seen, learned. And Josh would tell about his own day. Only, tonight he left out seeing Rachel. She wasnt a part of their lives and never would be.
Josh glanced at his watch. Time for bed, kiddo.
Aw, Dad. Come on. Just a little longer, please?
Josh ruffled his sons hair. Nope. Its time for bed.
Will you read to me? Griff asked as he slowly got off the couch.
He nodded. Go get ready for bed, then pick out your book. Ill be up soon.
Griff walked to the bookcase where Rod Taylor stood with a book in hand. He kissed the older mans leathery cheek. Good night, Grandpa.
Rod gave the boy a hug. Night, pipsqueak.
Joshs heart swelled with love for his boy. Some said Griff looked like Josh. Josh didnt see it. His son had lighter hair, his eyes were more the color of moss than hazel and he had his mothers smile. Sadly Josh hadnt seen Andrea smile much toward the end. He should have tried harder to make her happy. A well-aimed stab of guilt twisted in his gut.
The phone rang.
Rod suggested, Probably the station again. David Mackafee called earlier, wondering when you were coming back in.
Josh shrugged. Hed written out his schedule for the crew. Because of Mrs. G.s illness, hed been taking some personal leave from his duties as District Ranger for the Forestry Service of Tuolumne County. He would be going into the station in the morning, after he checked on Mrs. G.
He picked up the phone. Hello?
Hello, Josh.
His brows rose in surprise to hear the female voice on the other end of the line. Rachel? His heart contracted painfully in his chest. There could only be one reason she would call him. Is Mrs. G..?
No, no, she said quickly. Shes holding her own.
The tightness in his chest eased. He glanced at his father and son who both stared at him with anxious expressions. Hold on, he told Rachel. Shes fine, he said to his family. Both Griff and Rod sagged in relief.
Then Rod arched a brow. Rachel Maguire?
Whos that? Griff questioned and moved to stand next to Josh, the top of his head reaching the middle of Joshs chest.
Josh shook his head and pointed upward.
Griff groaned and shuffled out of the room. As for his father, Josh said, Do you mind?
Rod grinned. Not at all. And he sat back down in his recliner.
Josh rolled his eyes. Talking to Rachel on the phone while his father casually listened from his chair took him back to the past. But back then theyd had plenty to talk aboutschool, love, their future. The only thing they had in common now was Mrs. G.
Sorry about that, he said into the receiver as he turned his back to his father.
Thats all right. Her voice sounded hesitant. Mom G. would like to see you in the morning.
Id planned on coming by.
But she wanted me to call and make sure. Sheuhhmmmwell, she wants to see us together.
Josh frowned. Really? He didnt want to see Rachel again.
Yes. I dont know why, but I hope we can be civil to make her happy.
Ive never been uncivil to you, Rachel.
A moment of silence passed.
Well, I mean, we could refrain from fighting. II want to apologize for earlier, she said in a rush.
The corner of his mouth lifted. At least one part of her hadnt changed. The old Rachel had always accepted responsibility for her actions.
Forget it. He didnt need her apology. He thought about what shed asked, then made a decision. Ill be there tomorrow morning and I can be friendly for Mrs. G.s sake.
Excellent. She sounded pleased, but he couldnt be sure. Goodbye, Josh.
Bye. He slowly replaced the receiver. He hadnt wanted to see her, but he couldnt let Mrs. G. down. Hed tolerate Rachel if it killed him.
And when he thought about it, the best way to annihilate any feelings he harbored for Rachel was to be around the woman shed become. She was so aloof and distant. Much different than shed been in high school. Then shed been open and friendly. Always looking for someone she could help. Shed needed to be of use.
Being a doctor must fulfill that need for her. But had becoming a doctor made her so cold? He supposed life in the big city could change a person, take warm people and turn them into an icy reflection of their former selves.
Youre going to be friendly with Rachel, huh? Rod broke into his thoughts.
Josh shrugged. Mrs. G. wants to see us both.
Rod looked pleased. I might come with you.
Fine. He didnt want to discuss Rachel with his dad. Didnt want to hear Rods opinion that he shouldnt have let her slip out of his life. Hed had no choice. She was determined to go. Ill see you in the morning. Josh turned to leave but stopped at Rods soft chuckle. Whats so funny?
I have a pretty good idea what Olivia is up to.