Josh tightened his fingers around Rachels.
She ignored him. We cant make a promise like that.
Josh applied more pressure. Rachel, we can do this, he said with deliberate slowness.
Her head snapped toward him, her expression thunderous. What?
He was not going to argue with her in front of Mrs. G. It was bad enough that she was balking. He refused to subject Mrs. G. to the tempest that was about to explode. Because, like it or not, he was going to make sure she agreed. He couldnt let her live with the kind of regret that plagued him. He lifted Rachels hand away from Mrs. G.s. We need to discuss this outside.
Rachel stared at him mutinously. Theres nothing to discuss. It cant be done. I live thousands of miles away, Josh.
He smiled tightly at Mrs. G. Well be right back. He tugged on Rachels hand. She pulled against him but finally stood and jerked her hand from his grasp.
Fine, she snapped, her expression softening as she looked at Mrs. G. Youll be okay?
Mrs. G. blinked. Of course.
Rachel strode out of the room. Josh watched her go. Shed become quite a formidable woman. He normally chose to defuse confrontational situations long before they came to a head. That skill made him a good manager of the forestry team he was responsible for. But he found a part of himself looking forward to seeing the sparks fly, to being a part of the controlled energy that was Rachel.
Filled with anticipation, he winked at Mrs. G. before following in Rachels wake, confident he could manage her.
Rachels head was going to explode. Anger raged, pounding at her temples. She couldnt make such a promise. She wouldnt lie to Mom G. How dare Josh even consider promising something he had no intention of fulfilling?
She rubbed at her temples, trying for a calm that was proving elusive. She could control her emotions. She was a doctor, a professional, standing in a hospital corridor, after all. She wouldnt cause a scene.
But the second Josh stepped into the hall radiating confidence, she whirled on him, her vow to remain calm pushed aside. What was that all about? What are you trying to do?
Rachel paced away from Josh in an effort to cool her temper.
Unruffled, he stated, Trying to make Mrs. G. happy.
She screeched to a halt. By lying to her? You think thats going to make her happy? Is your conscience out to lunch?
Josh held up a hand. Whoa, you need to calm down.
Calm down? She didnt appreciate him pointing out the obvious. Unfortunately her reserve of cool and collected was suddenly lacking. And it was Joshs fault. Something about the man hed become caused her to lose her self-restraint. She didnt like being this out of sorts. It was too much; she felt too vulnerable.
She needed calm. She needed to breathe. In slow, out slow, find the calm. We cant make that promise.
The dark green of his button-down shirt magnified the intent look in his eyes. We said wed do anything for her.
Butnot this. Are you out of your mind?
No. He shook his head. I dont want to live regretting that I didnt do everything I could to make Mrs. G. happy.
His words struck her with sharp bites of guilt. I want to make her happy, too, but I cant do this.
His expression hardened. How difficult would it be for you to set your feelings aside for a moment and do something for her?
She drew back, stung. Im not being selfish, Josh. Im being realistic.
His look said he didnt believe her.
Think for a second, Josh. Her hand gesturing wildly. Your lifes here. My lifes in Chicago. And Im leaving as soon as Mom
She froze. She widened her eyes and she covered her mouth with her hand as she realized what shed almost said. A tremor assaulted her body. The reality of the situation hit her full force. No matter how good the medical care, Mom G. was going to die. Sooner rather than later.
Just like her mother had.
No! This was different. Her mother hadnt received the best care possible. Mistakes had been made, inadequate procedures followed. None of that was happening with Mom G. It was Gods decision. He was in control.
She squeezed her eyes tight and fought the tears building, clogging her throat. She didnt want Josh to see her like this. She hated this feeling of utter helplessness.
God, I need you. I cant face this on my own.
She heard Josh let out an exasperated groan. Then his arms came around her, pulling her to his chest. She stiffened in shock. The odd combination of his woodsy-and-spice scent filled her head, evoking images of Christmastime. She longed to melt into his big broad chest and partake of the comfort being offered.
She didnt want his comfort. It hurt too much because it came from pity, not affection, but she couldnt deny the warmth soaking her through, making her conscious of every point of contact between them, every bunching muscle, every beat of his heart.
She swallowed her tears and broke away from him before she gave in to the attraction building between them.
Bereft of his warmth, she wrapped her arms around her middle. Focus, Rachel, focus. What had Mom G. asked us to promise? To take care of each other. It wasnt like she was asking us to get married.
Right. Joshs voice drew her attention.
She hadnt realized shed spoken her thoughts out loud. But how?
I dont know, but well figure out a way.
She stared down the hall. Maybe Josh had a point. It could be done. Through telephone calls, Christmas cards, e-mail. They could take care of each other long-distance. In ways that wouldnt wreak havoc on her life. Or his.
She straightened to her full height, still only barely reaching his shoulders. Youre right. Well find a way. We can do this.
He smiled approvingly. Yes, we can.
She resented how good his approval felt.
As Rachel swept by him and back into Mrs. G.s room, Josh took a moment to recover from the shock of seeing Rachel almost shatter. It tore him up inside to know she hadnt completely accepted the eventuality of Mrs. G.s death. Rachel was trying so hard to be strong. Behind her controlled exterior was a woman struggling against death and grief. He understood why Mrs. G. wanted his promise. When Mrs. G. died, Rachel was going to need an anchor to hold on to because the arctic storm brewing within her would be overwhelming. Whether he liked it or not, he would be there for Rachel because hed promised.
Mom G. stared up at Rachel with anxious eyes. Taking her hand, Rachel sought to reassure her. We promise to take care of each other. Rachel glanced at Josh next to her. His smile was pensive.
Thank heaven. Mom G. relaxed into the pillow for a moment and then looked at them with worried eyes. I need one more thing from you both.
Rachel braced herself. What more could she want from them? What more anguish would she have to suffer in Joshs presence?
Josh chuckled softly. Whatever you need, Mrs. G.
Rachel, you need to eat. Youre too thin. Josh take her to get something to eat.
The motherly words touched Rachel deeply. Im okay, really.
Please, Josh, make her go, Mom G. implored.
Rachel had had enough of Josh, thank you very much. Im not leaving you.
I dont want you to get sick, honey.
A flutter of panic hit Rachel. What if she left and Mom G. died before she returned? Rachel knew she couldnt live with that. Josh can bring something here.
I want to sleep, Rachel. Ill rest better knowing youre letting Josh take care of you. As you promised.
Josh reached out and took her hand. She swallowed back the shiver of comfort in his heated touch. Rachel, you need a break. Well be back in a hour.
Anything could happen in an hour, she whispered and pulled her hand free. Tears once again burned at the edges of her eyes.
Do you trust God?
She gazed into his warm hazel eyes. Of course. Her answer was automatic. There was no question in her mind she trusted God. Hed seen her through so much and had given her the direction for her life.
Josh placed his hand on her shoulder; heat spread out from the point of contact. Then lets entrust her to His care and ask for Him not to take her until youve returned.
This was a test of her faith and she hated the sudden hesitation gripping her soul. She wanted to know where Josh stood. Had his faith survived the death of his wife? Is your faith that strong?
Something akin to anguish flittered across his face, but then it was gone, replaced by determination. Right now it is.
She had her answer. His relationship with Christ had suffered. She understood. To lose the one you loved so suddenly, without having a chance to say goodbye, would be enough to rock the most solid of foundations.
Mom G. squeezed her fingers. The weight of Joshs hand on her shoulder imprinted her skin. Her gaze darted between the two. Did she have enough faith? A still, quiet moment slipped by and Rachel was filled with a comforting peace. She nodded. Please, God, let there be time for me to say goodbye.
Rachel listened to Joshs words of prayer, felt them reverberate within her heart, filling her with comfort she gladly accepted. Shed always loved the sound of his resonant voice, could listen to him talk for hours. Time had only deepened the timbre, matured it in a way that was very appealing. And his words of faith were a balm to her weary soul.
Thank you, Josh, Rachel murmured.
Shall we? He gestured toward the door.
Rachel kissed Mom G. goodbye, noting how drawn and exhausted she looked. Mom G. had expended a great deal of energy in securing the promise she wanted. It made Rachel more determined to comply.
Josh led the way out of the room. Rachel walked to the nurses station, where she gave them her beeper number and elicited a promise from Jamie to make sure Mom G. received some tea before her next chemo session, which she was scheduled for within the hour.
Everything okay? Josh asked as they boarded the elevator.
Yes. She followed him to the cafeteria.
Josh held open the door for her to pass through. The rattle of dishes and the rumble of voices greeted them. In one corner, a young mother spoon-fed a fussy toddler, while doctors and nurses, their white coats or green scrubs distinguishable, relaxed at several tables.
With metal trays in hand, Rachel and Josh went through the food line.
Even though it was only midmorning, Rachel chose a salad. She didnt want the heaviness of breakfast fare. Josh picked a hamburger and fries. That foods going to sit in your stomach like a rock, she commented.
He grinned. Im a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy.
Apparently.
At the cashier, Josh insisted on paying. Though she was used to taking care of herself, Rachel didnt argue. She needed to think about something else. Anything. She searched her mind for a topic of conversation, but unfortunately with Josh, all they had was the past.
Whatever happened to your 65 Chevy? she asked as they took their seats at a table near the floor-to-ceiling window. The warm sun fell on her back and she shrugged out of her jacket.
I still have her. Josh sat opposite her.
She runs? You were always tinkering with the engine, replacing one thing or another.
The corner of Joshs mouth twitched. Sort of.
Do you ever drive her out to the lake? Now whyd she go and ask that? Cherry Lake had been a special place for them. A place to go when the world was too hectic and intrusive. It occurred to her that there at the lake, alone with Josh, shed never experienced that trapped, restless sensation. She mentally shrugged the notion off, attributing the lack of restlessness to being a teenager in love.
Any semblance of a smile vanished from his face. No, came the terse answer.
Silence, dense and thick, filled the air between them.
Pushing her Cobb salad around with her fork, she searched for a neutral topic. Does your dad still work for the forestry service?
Hes semiretired. He picked up his hamburger and took a bite.
Thats nice for him.
Uh-huh.
Frustrated that he wasnt being cooperative with small talk, she watched him drown his French fries in ketchup. The red gooey mess didnt look healthy.
She ate slowly, her body recognizing the need for sustenance, but her mind rebelled, urging her back to Mom G. After a long moment of silence she tried again. And you, Josh? What do you do?
Im a ranger.
You are? Surprise echoed in her voice.
He glanced at her sharply. I wouldnt lie.
I didnt mean to suggest you would. She softened her voice. You used to talk about going into the forestry service. I didnt think She trailed off, not wanting to offend him.
You didnt think I would. He sounded amused.
No, truth be told, I figured when you married Andrea youd settle into a nine-to-five job and have a picture-perfect life. Shed imagined him living the fantasy. The fantasy theyd dreamed together those days long ago. An old Victorian house, the dog, the picket fence. Those were the things theyd wanted.
Only, as a doctor she didnt fit into his cookie-cutter world and she couldnt do what needed to be done from this hospital. The place where her mother had died.
Rachel noticed the ticking muscle along Joshs strong jaw. Im sorry. If youd rather not talk about Andrea, I understand.
Do you?
The intensity in his voice made her wince. He was still grieving for his wife but she didnt know what to say or do to help him. The usual words of condolence shed deliver to a family member of a patient didnt seem appropriate here. This was Josh.
Dr. Maguire, Josh. Dr. Kessler approached the table.
Doctor, Josh said.
Rachel rose, gripping the edge of the table, panic pounding in her veins. Mom G.?
Dr. Kessler held up a reassuring hand. Im on my way to see her. Just stopped in to grab a coffee.
She released her white-knuckled grip and sat down again. Josh reached across and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Comforted by his gesture, she gave him a grateful smile before slipping her hand away. His touch was too warm, too welcome. She couldnt allow herself the luxury of wanting his touch because wanting something she couldnt have was not her style.
Dr. Maguire, our E.R. attending was very excited to learn you were here. I hope youll take a moment and stop by the E.R. to introduce yourself.
Fat chance. She wasnt going anywhere near that E.R. Too many of her nightmares involved that place. Careful to keep her thoughts from showing, she smiled. If I have time.