Behind his wire-rimmed glasses, Dr. Kesslers eyes showed disappointment. Ill check on Olivia now.
Rachel watched the doctor leave. What do you think of him?
Hes a good doctor.
Joshs tone rang with certainty and she accepted his pronouncement.
She finished the last of her salad, then picked up her tray and stood. Im going back upstairs now.
Josh rose, taking her tray from her. Ive got it. He took their trays and deposited them in the dirty dish bin before coming back to stand beside her. We could go down to the emergency room. We havent been gone very long.
Slipping her jacket back over her silk, short-sleeve top, Rachel shook her head. Im not here to work.
He arched a brow. Too small-town for you?
No. I wouldnt be able to stay focused.
Right. Focused.
The beeper attached to Rachels waistband sent a shrill alarm ringing through the cafeteria. Her heart slammed against her chest. Mom G. Rachel couldnt make her feet move; panic gripped her, clogging her throat. Josh moved to her side, his big, warm hand cradling her elbow. Josh, Mom G.
Lets go. The urgency in his tone clutched at her throat. She gratefully leaned on him as he propelled her out of the cafeteria and through the hospital.
Rachel and Josh stepped off the elevator and onto the fifth floor and sprinted down the corridor to Mom G.s room. They skidded to a halt as a nurse emerged out the door.
Is she? Rachel couldnt say the words.
The nurse smiled at her kindly. Shes waiting for you.
Oh, thank you, God, Rachel breathed out. She swept past the nurse and into the room, aware that Josh followed closely behind.
Dr. Kessler stood at the foot of the bed, writing on the chart. He turned as Rachel approached. There was relief in his sympathetic eyes. Her vitals are erratic. Shes slipping away fast. Itll be only a matter of hours.
A heaviness settled on Rachel as she moved to the side of the bed and took Mom G.s hand.
Mom G. stirred and opened her eyes. Her gaze focused on Rachel. I love you.
Rachel swallowed the huge, burning lump in her throat and tried to smile, but could only manage a slight lifting of the corners of her mouth. Agony and grief gnarled in her heart. I love you.
Youre my daughter. And I thank God every day that He brought you into my life. Her voice was weak, strained with the effort to talk.
Rachel let the tears slipping down her cheeks fall into her lap. She couldnt fight the pain of losing the only person who really cared about her.
Rachel, happiness lies beyond what you thinks possible. Its there waiting for you. You only have to have faith.
I dont want you to leave me, Rachel whispered, shuddering with the intensity of her grief.
Mom G.s grip tightened ever so slightly. Its time for me to go be with my Savior. Ive had a good life. She shifted her gaze away from Rachel. Josh, youll keep your promise?
Joshs deep voice filled the room. Yes, I promise.
Mom G. nodded and then seemed to shrink within herself.
Rachel pressed Mom G.s hand to her cheek. Wanting to hang on, to somehow, with the force of her love, keep her from slipping away.
Ill wait for you in heaven. Mom G. breathed the words with a smile and then her eyes closed.
Rachel refused to budge from Mom G.s side. The hospital staff went about their business and Josh pulled up a chair beside her. Even though he didnt touch her, she felt his presence like a soft covering. Two hours ticked by in agonizing slowness as Mom. Gs breathing slowed to small hiccups of air.
Mom G.s heartbeat fell, then stopped. Machines sounded a strident warning. Rachel instinctively reacted by rising, ready to begin resuscitation. She looked wildly at the others filing into the room. Everyone stood quietly by as Mom G.s life ebbed away. Why arent you doing something? she sobbed. Lets bring her back!
Dr. Kessler stepped forward and lay a gentle but firm hand on her arm. She has a standing DNR. She was in great pain. She wanted to go.
Rachel looked down at her mother. Peaceful was the only word she could use to describe her. She was at peace with God.
Slowly Rachel sat back in the chair. A cold numbness seeped into her heart, spreading throughout her body. The two most important people in the worldher mother and Mom G.had left her behind.
The weight of Joshs hand on her shoulder brought a fraction of solace to her restless thoughts. But that was an illusion, she reminded herself. A momentary respite from the grief welling up inside.
As soon as possible, she would return to her life and Josh would stay here.
Now she was truly alone on this earth.
Rachel sat near the window and surveyed the crowded church reception room. Among the various flower arrangements and tables filled with food, there were so many people. So many lives touched by Mom G. Some of the faces she recognized, others were new to her. Everyone had expressed his or her grief over Mom G.s passing and then wandered off to talk among themselves.
Her gaze dropped to the taupe carpet and the polite smile shed worn all day faltered. She was out of place among these people. Without Mom G. she didnt belong.
A slight film of dust covered her black pumps. Though shed numbly stood by the grave with eyes blurry from tears, the graveside service had been beautiful. Pastor Larkin had delivered a lovely eulogy and Josh had spoken, giving a sentimental testament to Mom G.s memory.
Hed grown so close to Mom G. while Rachel had been so far away. She was glad the funeral was over. After the reception, she would meet with the lawyer, Mr. Finley, to discuss Mom G.s estate and then she wouldnt have any reason to stay. Shed be free to return to the life shed carved out for herself, the life God wanted for her. Strangely there was no peace in that thought.
Constrained laughter caught her attention and she looked up. Across the room Josh held a captivated audience as he talked.
She sighed. He looked handsome in his dark navy suit and tie, looking more like he belonged in a boardroom than out fighting fires. He stood tall and carried himself with a confidence that she envied. He was a part of these people. He belonged here. She didnt.
A young boy moved to stand beside Josh. Shock momentarily wiped away the numb ambivalence that had taken ahold of her the moment Mom G. died. Rachels heart pounded as she looked from the boy to Josh and back to the boy.
Even as Josh put his arm around the child and hugged him, Rachel realized that this boy with his light-colored hair and expressive eyes could only be Joshs son. The they Mom G. had been talking about.
The child could have been her son.
She blinked and turned to stare out the window at the little town of Sonora. The quaint, turn-of-the-century homes, the cute little café that hadnt been there when shed lived in the town and the gas station where Josh had worked during high school turned blurry through fresh tears.
Josh had a son. Why hadnt Josh mentioned him?
Why did she care?
She realized she didnt know that much about Josh and his life. She didnt want to know, she told herself. She couldnt change the past, could only accept it.
There was so much to accept.
The quicker she left Sonora and the memories behind, the easier the past would be to acceptand forget.
There was so much to accept.
The quicker she left Sonora and the memories behind, the easier the past would be to acceptand forget.
Chapter Five
Josh hugged his son close. He was grateful his father had had the foresight to take Griff to the hospital before school the day before Mrs. G. died. He hated to think of the pain Griff would have suffered had he not had the chance to say goodbye to the woman who had helped raise him.
Thankfully Rachel had been able to say goodbye, too. He scanned the crowd. Hed seen her earlier talking with Mr. and Mrs. Poe, then hed lost sight of her.
She was putting on a good show of strength. Though her complexion was ghostly pale and her eyes were a little glazed, shed smiled and moved gracefully through the funeral service and the reception.
She looked very mature and womanly in her black tailored suit with her hair pulled up into a fancy twist. When theyd talked briefly at the cemetery, shed been distant and polite, but he could see by the tiny lines bracketing her mouth and the way she had to blink constantly to fight tears, that she was struggling to keep her composure.
Where was she? He frowned. She shouldnt have to deal with her grief alone. He started to usher his son toward the door in search of Rachel when he saw her sitting by the window. She looked composed and serene, but he knew inside she had to be crumbling. He steered Griff toward the window.
As they approached, she turned and he saw a flicker of an emotion he couldnt identify in her eyes. But then it was gone and she smiled with distant, polite interest.
Rachel, Id like you to meet my son, Griff. Griff, this is Rachel Maguire.
Rachel held out her hand. Its nice to meet you, Griff.
Griff took her hand. Youre in the picture with my dad at Mrs. G.s house.
Her eyes widened with surprise. Yes, I am. How did you know?
Mrs. G. takes care of me when Dad and Grandpa work.
Rachel fought the burning behind her eyes at the boys use of the present tense. She could only imagine the grief the child would suffer when he realized that Mom G. wasnt coming back.
Josh cleared his throat. She saw the same concern in his eyes.
When youre ready to leave, let me know and well give you a ride to your hotel, he said.
That wont be necessary. She didnt want to rely on anyone, especially Josh, for anything.
He gave her a pointed look. Yes, it is.
Annoyance arced though her. Their promise to Mom G. didnt include his services as chauffeur.
He set his jaw and grated out a warning, Rachel.
From across the room, Rod called out Joshs name.
Rachel turned her attention to Griff. So whos your favorite baseball team?
The Mariners.
Seattle fan, huh? She nodded sagely. Im a Cubs fan myself.
Theyre in Chicago.
Rachel laughed softly. Thats right, they are.
Josh placed a hand on Griffs shoulder. Come on, Griff. Lets give Rachel some space. Lets go find Grandpa.
Griff gestured with his thumb. Hes over there.
I know hes over there, son. I need you to come with me. Well come back and take Rachel home when shes ready.
Rachel ground her teeth, but didnt say anything. She wouldnt argue with Josh in front of his son.
Aw, Dad. I wanna stay here and talk to her.
He can hang with me. Rachel blinked up at Josh, half expecting him to say no way.
Okay. Then well take you home, he said firmly.
Their promise didnt give him a license to try to control her, but she didnt have the energy to point that out to him. Fine.
Josh nodded and moved away, sapping the air of its heat and leaving her chilled.
I have a baseball card collection.
Rachel turned her attention back to Griff. You do? An unfamiliar yearning crowded her senses. She supposed she was drawn to him because this boy was so like his father.
It used to be Dads, but he gave it to me. Now I collect them.
How old are you, Griff?
Im eight.
Rachel absorbed that information with a bit of shock. Josh and Andrea had waited before having a child. Shed expected them to start a family right away because that was what hed wanted. You look like your dad.
Griff grinned. Everybody says that.
I see your mother in you, too. His hair was more the color of Andreas and the shape of his nose favored her, as well.
You knew my mom?
Rachel smiled compassionately. We all went to high school together.
What was she like?
She blinked. Dont you remember her?
He shook his head. She died in a car accident when I was a baby.
This news carried the weight of a punch to the solar plexus. Andrea had died nearly eight years ago. Rachel had assumed because Josh was still grieving that shed died fairly recently.
Griff had grown up without a mother. Josh had raised his son from infancy all by himself. She had no doubts that Rod helped, but that Josh took on the responsibility made her admire him in a way she hadnt before. And made her ache for both Josh and his son. Ached for what theyd lost.
Why are you crying?
Rachel wiped at the tear coursing down her cheek and gave a shaky laugh. Idont know.
Are you sad because Mrs. G. died?
She nodded, surprised and relieved he understood that Mom G. was gone. Shed underestimated the child.
Shes in a better place now, where theres no pain.
Did your daddy tell you that?
Yes. Mrs. G.s in heaven with my mom.
Rachel hurt for this little boy, for what hed miss. She hurt for herself, for the hole Mom G. left in her life. She hurt for Josh.
In an unfamiliar moment of need, Rachel hugged the boy. He smelled clean, like sunshine and fresh air. And when his little arms wrapped around her neck, she couldnt stop the sob that broke free.
Shh, its okay, Griff said, his voice so grown up, so like Joshs.
Rachel forced herself to let go. Im sorry. That was inappropriate.
Griff cocked his head to one side. Why?
You dont know me.
Sure I do. Youre Mrs. G.s daughter. She talked about you all the time.
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. Did she?
Yep. Hey, will you come to church tomorrow?
That the next day would be Sunday hit her like a blast of cold air. Her normally ordered and scheduled life was in disarray. With all the emotional stress of the past few days, shed lost track of time. Attending a church service would be soothing. Josh would be there, but she could handle that. Yes, I will.
Will you sit with us?
Taken aback by the invitation, she struggled for an answer. I dont know. Well see.
Aw, that usually means no. Please? You can sit next to me.
Well She bit her lip. She didnt want to disappoint Griff, but
Griff, dont badger her. Joshs voice interrupted her thoughts and warmed her senses.
Hes not badgering me, she said.
But he will until you say yes, he countered with an amused twinkle in his eyes.