Tom Parkers v different thinks silence is for the grave & the living have a duty to resist!
His favourite topic unless checked his only topic is Sandytown as advertised on the side of his car!
Remember Sandytown? I think that was the last Heywood family outing. Me 9 or 10 you 13 sea cold & grey sand gritty wind so strong it blew our windbreaks away & Sandytown itself seemed to be shut! To cap it all on the way back George was sick & that set me off & soon we were all at it! Dad sang all the way home! After 3 years doing psychology I reckon I know why. He clearly saw the whole trip as a successful experiment in aversion therapy!
So when Tom Parker started rattling on about Sandytown at supper that first night I didnt dare catch Georges eye.
Ill give it you verbatim again really this is how he talks!
Sandytown! he said Beautiful Sandytown the most lustrous pearl in the long necklace of the Yorkshire coast! You see Charlotte (fixing his eye on me I think hes decided Im the intellectual epicentre of the Heywood family or maybe he just likes my boobs!) a new age of the English holiday is dawning. Compared with it the old age which died with the onset of cheap Mediterranean packages will seem but a trial run. Two practical reasons for the change global warming & global terrorism! We travel in fear & we travel in discomfort. We have our personal belongings & indeed our persons searched by hard-faced & hard-fingered strangers. We are prodded into line by armed police. We are forced to eat with implements which lacking the rigidity necessary to be a threat to soft human flesh cannot begin to cope with airline food. Nor can we feel safe on arrival. Tourists are everywhere regarded as a soft terrorist target while global warming exacerbated by the soaring emission levels of flight has led to a dramatic increase in the incidence of natural disasters floods drought hurricanes earthquakes tsunamis etc
By now dad was regarding him with gobsmacked amazement mum with polite interest his wife with fond admiration & the twins were choking back their giggles.
To me it was clear that Parker was reciting some kind of sales pitch one made so often the record would run to its end unless interrupted.
So when he paused for breath I got in quick with Why were you looking for a healer Tom?
a very perceptive question Charlotte he replied smiling at me to which my answer is health! Let me explain. We live in a sick world a world suffering from some deep-rooted wasting disease of which terrorism & warming are but symptoms. To cure the whole we must start with the smallest part the individual! The English seaside holiday originated in a search for recreation in the strictest sense. Pure ozone-enriched air to cleanse the lungs surging salty water to refresh the skin & stimulate the circulation peace & quiet to restore the troubled spirit
Seeing he was getting back into his groove I cut in again Sounds to me like a healers the last thing you need!
A good point! he cried with delight. (Its a great technique this being delighted with everything anyone says!) To understand the healer it is of course necessary to understand the history. Some 2 years ago when Mid-Yorkshire Council began discussion of their Eastern Region Development Plan naturally Lady Denham & myself took a keen interest in their proposals for the Sandytown area
whos Lady Denham? I asked reducing him to amazed silence & dad always glad to know something I dont chipped in This the Denhams of Denham Park?
you know the family? said Tom delighted.
know of them grunted dad & little good bad landowners worse landlords thought theyd gone to the wall long since
in a sense they have agreed Parker but Lady Denham now alas a widow for a second time only bears the name through marriage. Her 2nd incidentally. Before that she was Mrs Hollis & before that Miss Daphne Brereton only daughter of the Breretons of Brereton Manor Sandytowns premier family well to do highly respected. Money calls to money place to place that is my experience though I do not suggest that love was absent when she caught the eye of Howard Hollis
Hollis? Dad interrupted Hog Hollis? him as got et by his own pigs?
I saw the twins perk up. Anything grisly really turns them on!
indeed there was a tragic accident said Tom You knew Mr Hollis?
met him a couple of times said dad unenthusiastically folk reckoned he kept his pigs in the sea his meat were so salty & watery! Made a fortune but he were a right miserable sod only time he ever smiled was for yon photo on them Holliss Ham freezer packs you see all over the supermarkets & that were probably wind!
I caught mums eye & we shared a moment of speculation about when dad had last been inside a supermarket!
Tom said he was certainly a man who despite his great success remained true to his roots. Perhaps it was the contrast offered by the more refined manners of Sir Henry Denham that made the widow look favourably upon his advances. Alas fate is not sentimental & within all too short a time Sir Henry was also brought low
et by the pigs too? chimed in David hopefully. Dad gave him a glower. He can say what he wants but he expects his kids to observe the conventions.
a riding accident said Tom & while Daphne Breretons first marriage certainly left her with even more wealth than she brought to it from her second it is general knowledge she derived little more than the respect due to an ancient name
Pause for applause. Instead Mary P gave a little gasp maybe a repressed sneeze echoed by dads openly incredulous snort.
Parker unperturbed went on She & I as principal landowners in the area had already been planning to put Sandytown on the map long before the MYCC proposals. She had led the way by being instrumental in bringing the Avalon Foundation to Sandytown. You have heard of Avalon of course?
This time me & dad both nodded. Hardly need to tell you what dad said!
oh aye we know all about the Avalon. When I read in the papers a few years back the Yanks were building a fancy clinic out on the coast I said to our Cass that ud be a grand place for you to work them Yanks know how to pay nurses & you could get home in an hour but it were like
banging my head against a brick wall! chorused the twins then collapsed in giggles.
Dad gave them a glower & Tom Parker went rattling on.
Lady Denham & I in our private discussions had pre-empted the Councils conclusion that Sandytown was perfectly placed to take advantage of the changes in recreational climate both meteorologically & intellectually speaking & formed a loose alliance & put 1 or 2 projects in train. But now we approached the Councils Development Officer who was rapidly persuaded by our projections of the increase in local employment & of tourism plus our plans for a measure of affordable housing to join with us in the formation of the Sandytown Development Consortium a true partnership between the public & private sectors underpinned through the good offices of my brother Sidney by significant investment institutions in the City
He paused momentarily lost in the forests of his own verbosity & his wife came in with a prompt The Avalon dear & the healer
Indeed! he resumed the Avalon. The siting of such a famous centre of medical care & recuperation on our doorstep seemed to me a hint almost divine. At the centre of our Development Plan is the conversion of Brereton Manor Lady Ds childhood home into a 5 star luxury hotel & recreational health centre. All the conventional attractions golf tennis horseriding swimming beauty treatments saunas gymnasia & so on will be on offer here & available to all visitors to our town not just those who can afford the Manors necessarily high prices. However to place us firmly in the new niche market where Sandytown I forecast will rapidly dominate we are offering a range of complementary therapies for those who find that conventional medicine does not answer their needs
He paused for breath not applause then pressed on alternative medicine is you will agree another great 21st century growth area. We already have several practitioners in residence an acupuncturist a reflexologist a homeopath a Third Thought counsellor but spiritual healers are harder to come by. I was hoping to talk to Mr Godley the gentleman at Willingdene with a view to persuading him to be as it were a visiting consultant
By now dad had heard enough indeed too much!
healers! he snorted Load of mumbo-jumbo. Me Id rather be treated by my vet even though the bugger charges a fortune
then perhaps you should read this article suggested Parker who seems quite unoffendable it claims that Mr Godley has had some astonishing results with animals
A sharp glance from mum made dad choke back his suggestion what Tom could do with the article but David burst out Charley thinks its all a load of bollocks too!
David! said mum sternly Language!
but its true the little gobshite defended himself You do think its all rubbish dont you Charley? You were telling us you were going to write a composition about it
Parker looked at me quizzically & I said Ignore him. His ears are bigger than his brain. What he misheard is that Im proposing to do a thesis on the psychology of alternative therapy. The medical establishment says its mostly nonsense the practitioners point to what they claim are well documented successes. Im not interested in joining in the debate but in looking at a variety of these therapies & seeing if I can find any common psychological elements in their practise & their results
Good eh? Should be. Parkers not the only one who has a selling line off pat!
Across the table I could see the Headbangers eyes starting to roll & Id hardly finished before he broke out There you have it Mr Parker. My clever daughters already spent three years with her nose in a pile of musty books learning a lot of nowt about a lot of nowt just to get some letters after her name & now she wants to spend another God knows how long doing much the same just to get some more. She can go on till shes got the whole damn alphabet but wheres it going to lead? thats what Id like to know. Ive tried talking sense into her but its like
Here he glared at the twins daring them to finish his sentence again. I think David would have but Freddie kicked him under the table. Bet she wants to wheedle some more spending money out of him for her school trip this autumn! Since G & me went skiing she thinks shes owed a month in a 5 star in Miami!
Tom Parker endeared himself to me by saying But that is marvellous Charlotte understanding the mind is the first step to restoring the body we need more young people like you to put this sick world of ours to rights!
See you dont have to go shogging off to Africa to be a saint!
Later as Mary helped Tom limp from the room he said to mum A delicious meal Amy best Ive had outside of Sandytown & Mary added Yes thank you both for your kindness. Youve got a lovely family Amy
Well you know how much dad loves to hear mum being praised so he hardly moaned at all about our guests when theyd gone upstairs though I thought hed explode when we heard next morning the car wouldnt be ready for at least 3 days!
I did my bit keeping them from getting under his feet. No problem like I say I really got to like them & they seemed to like me too. Tom showed real interest in my thesis proposal & today he said Charlotte (they both call me Charlotte which is nice) you know we intend calling on Mr Godley the healer on our way home why dont you come with us? You could talk to him about his patients for your thesis
I said but youd be well on your way home by the time you got to Willingdene & you wouldnt want to turn round & come all the way back here
& Mary said actually we did wonder if youd like to come all the way to Sandytown & spend a few days with us at Kyoto House
I said Kyoto? thinking Id misheard.
Tom said yes perhaps I was hasty the Kyoto Protocol has proved pretty toothless hasnt it? If Id waited I think Al Gore House might have been more appropriate
Mary didnt look as if she agreed but she nodded vigorously as Tom went on please come you could meet our other therapists give us the benefit of your take on our great experiment & most importantly wed get more of your company!
Well its always nice to be wanted even so Id probably have said thanks but no thanks only dad had come into the room at some point & suddenly he spoke in that Wiz of Oz voice he uses when hes really laying down the law.
nay he declared shes not been back home 2 minutes shell not want to be gallivanting off afore shes needed her sheets changed
Maybe I should have been touched at his desire to keep me close. All I actually felt was the usual irritation that even at 22 he still wanted to treat me like a kid.
I said no reflection on your own personal hygiene dad but Ive changed my sheets at least twice since I came home. Now getting back to the matter in hand thank you very much Tom & Mary for your kind invitation. Id be really delighted to accept
So there you have it. Heres me a rational being with a degree certifying Ive spent 3 years studying what makes people tick & what do I end up doing?
Going to visit a place Ive no reason to like in the company of people I hardly know just to prove Im not a kid anymore!
Now thats really mature eh?
Watch this space for my next exciting adventure in darkest Mid-Yorkshire.
& I look forward to some truly madly steamy revelations from darkest Africa!
Lots of love
Charley xx
3
Hod on. How the fuck do I know this bloody things working?
HELLO! HELLO! DALZIEL SPEAKING! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YOU MUGWUMPS, AND DESPAIR!
Now, let the dog see the rabbit Ill try pressing this, like the bishop said to
Christ, do I really sound like that? No wonder the buggers jump!