Hod on. How the fuck do I know this bloody things working?
HELLO! HELLO! DALZIEL SPEAKING! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YOU MUGWUMPS, AND DESPAIR!
Now, let the dog see the rabbit Ill try pressing this, like the bishop said to
Christ, do I really sound like that? No wonder the buggers jump!
So it works. So what? Hears everything I say and plays it back word for fucking word. Whats so clever about that? Old Auntie Mildred could do exactly the same plus good advice! So thats you christened, right? Mildred!
But listen, Mildred, you start telling me to wear my woolly vest and its straight out of the window for you!
Yon Festerwhanger were right, but. Nice bit of kit this.
Jesus, Andy, listen to yourself! Nice bit of kit! You be careful, lad, else youll end up like all these kids with their p-pods, walking around with idiot grins on their faces and their heads nodding like them daffs in the poem.
Keep a record of little thoughts you might lose, Fester said, and mebbe some big questions you normally dont have time to ask yourself.
Right, Dalziel, sod the little thoughts, lets start with the biggest question of them all.
How the fuck did I end up here in Sandytown talking to meself like the village loony?
Lets try and build it up bit by bit like Ed Wield ud build up a case file.
Back to the big bang in Mill Street that set it all rolling.
That were the Bank Holiday, end of May.
Dont recall much of June, mebbe cos I spent most of it in a coma.
Good thing about a coma, they told me, was it gave my cracked bones time to start mending. Bad thing was it didnt do much for my muscle tone.
Never knew I had muscle tone before.
Found out the hard way.
First time I tried getting out of bed by myself, I fell over.
Let a week go by, then tried again. But this time I made sure there was a nice fat nurse to fall on to.
Third time I took three steps towards the door and fell into Pete Pascoes arms.
Where are you going? he asks.
Home, sez I. Soon as I bloody well can.
How do you propose doing that? sez he in that prissy voice he puts on.
Ill bloody well walk if I have to, sez I.
He let go of me and stepped back.
I fell over.
I lay there and looked up at him with pride.
When I first met him he were a detective constable, soft as shit and so wet behind the ears you could have used him to clean windows.
Now he were my DCI, and he were hard enough to let me fall and leave me lying.
Hed come a long way and ought to go a lot further.
OK, clever clogs, I sez. Youve made your point. Now get me back into bed.
Soon it were getting on for August, and I were still the only one talking about going home. Cap made encouraging remarks, but changed the subject when we got on to dates. I thought, sod this for a lark, they cant keep me here when I want to be off!
I said as much to Pete and the bugger sent in the heavy squad.
His missus, Ellie.
From the first time I met her, I saw she were already hard enough to let me fall and leave me lying. In fact back in them early days I reckon shed have been happy to give me a helping push.
She said, I hear youre talking of discharging yourself, Andy. So whos going to look after you when you get home?
Ill look after myself. Always have done, I said.
She sighed. Women have two kinds of sighs. Long-suffering and ooh-Im-really-enjoying-that. Lot of men never learn the difference.
She said, Andy, you got blown up in a terrorist explosion, you suffered multiple injuries, you lay in a coma for weeks
Aye, and most of the time since I came out of it Ive spent on this bloody bed, I said. So wheres the difference?
Dont exaggerate, she said. Youre on a carefully planned course of supervised physiotherapy. They say youre doing well, but it will be ages before you can look after yourself.
So Ill get help from Social Services. Thats why I pay my bloody taxes, isnt it?
How long do you think thatll last? she asked.
Till I get fed up wi them? Couple of weeks mebbe. By then I should be fine.
I meant, till they get fed up of you! Wholl look after you then?
I said, Ive got friends.
Arse-licking friends maybe, she said. But arse-wiping ones are a bit thinner on the ground.
Sometimes she takes my breath away! Mebbe I were taking too much credit for putting the steel into Pascoes backbone. Should have known that all them years the bugger were getting home tuition!
For you mebbe, I said. Treat folk right and theyll treat you right, thats my motto. Therell be folk queuing up to give me a hand.
Takes two to make a queue, she said. Youre talking about Cap, arent you?
Of course I were talking about Cap. Cap Marvell. My girlfriend partner bint tottie none of them fits. Or all of them. Cap bloody marvellous in my book, cos thats what shes been.
So I mean Cap. She wont let me down. Shell be there when I need her.
I let it out a bit pathetic. Could see I were getting nowhere slogging it out punch for punch, but even the really hard ones are often suckers for a bit of pathos. Vulnerability they call it. Make em feel you need help. Stood me in good stead many a time back in my Jack-the-ladding days.
Didnt take long to realize it werent going to get me anywhere now.
Boo hoo, said Ellie. Youve been together a good few years now, you and Cap. But you never set up shop together, youve both kept your own places. Whys that?
She knew bloody well why it was. Weve got our own lives, our own interests, our own timetables. Theres stuff in my pack I dont want her getting touched by. And theres definitely stuff in hers I dont want to know about. Every time theres an animal rights raid, I find myself checking her alibi! But the real big thing is lots of little things, like the way we feel about muddy boots, setting tables, using cutlery, eating pickles straight out of the jar, watching rugby on the telly, playing music dead loud, what kind of music we want to play dead loud, and so bloody on.
I said, A n emergencys different.
So this is an emergency now? Right. Whose place will you set up the emergency centre at? Your house or Caps flat? And how long will you indenture Cap as your body servant before you set her free?
Dont go metaphysical on me, luv, I said. Whats that mean?
Youre not thick, Andy, so dont pretend to be, she said. Caps life has been on hold since you got blown up. You know shes got a very full independent existence thats one of the reasons youve never shacked up together, right? Shes not one of those ground-you-walk-on worshippers that only live for their man.
I know what she is a bloody sight better than thee, Ellie Pascoe! I declared, getting angry. And I know shed be ready and willing to put in a bit of time taking care of me if thats what I need!
Of course she would, said Ellie with that smug look they get when theyve made you lose your rag. Question is, Andy. Do you really want her to?
No answer to that, at least not one I wanted to give her the satisfaction of hearing. And I didnt say much either when she started talking about the Cedars out at Filey, the convalescent home provided by our Welfare Association for old, mad, blind and generally knackered cops. Alcatraz, we call it, cos the only way out is in a box.
No answer to that, at least not one I wanted to give her the satisfaction of hearing. And I didnt say much either when she started talking about the Cedars out at Filey, the convalescent home provided by our Welfare Association for old, mad, blind and generally knackered cops. Alcatraz, we call it, cos the only way out is in a box.
What I did say, all grumpy, was, Were it Cap that put you up to this then?
She grabbed hold of a bedpan and said, Thats the daftest thing Ive ever heard you say, Andy Dalziel. And if you let out so much as a hint to Cap what Ive been talking to you about, Ill stick this thing so far up your behind, theyll need a tow truck to haul it out! You just lie here and think about what Ive said.
Yes, miss, I said meekly. Tha knows, lass, Pete Pascoes a very lucky man.
You think so? she said, looking a bit embarrassed.
Aye, I said. Its not every husbands got a big strapping wife he can send up on the roof if ever a tile comes off in a high wind.
She laughed out loud. Thats one of the things I like about Ellie Pascoe. No girlish giggles there. She enjoys a real good laugh.
You old sod, she said. Im off now. Ive got my own life too. Peter sends his love. Says to tell you that hes got things running so smooth down at the Factory that he cant understand how they ever managed with you. Take care now.
She bent over me and kissed me. Bright, brave, and bonny. Pete Pascoe really was a lucky man.
And shes got lovely knockers.
Any road, I did think about what shed said and a couple of days later when I were talking to Cap, I said I were thinking of going to the Cedars.
She said, But you hate that place. You once went to visit someone there and you said it was like a temperance hotel without the wild parties.
Thats the trouble with words, they come back to haunt you.
Mebbe thats what I need now, I lied. Couple of weeks peace and quiet and a breath of sea air. Me minds made up.
I should have known, men make up their minds like they make up their beds if theres a woman around shell pull all the bedding off and start again.
Next time she came she had a bunch of brochures.
She said, Ive been thinking about what you said, Andy, and I reckon youre right about the sea air. But I dont think the Cedars is the place for you. Youd be surrounded by other cops there with nothing to do but talk about crooks and cases and getting back on the job. No, this is the place for you. The Avalon.
You mean that Yankee clinic place? I said, glancing at the brochures.
The Avalon Foundation is originally American, yes, but its been so successful it now has clinics worldwide. Theres one in Australia, one in Switzerland
Im not going to Switzerland, I said. All them cuckoo clocks, Id never sleep.
Of course youre not. You are going to the one in Sandytown, where as well as the clinic and its attendant nursing home, theres an old house thats been converted into a convalescent home. My old headmistress, Kitty Bagnold, you may recall, is seeing out her days in the nursing home. I visit her from time to time, so it will be very convenient for me to have both my broken eggs in one basket.
That were the clincher, of course, her managing to make it sound like Id be doing her a favour by coming here. I asked whod be paying. She said my insurance would cover most of it and in any case hadnt I always said that if you ended up with life left over at the end of your money, the state would take care of you, but if you ended up with money left over at the end of your life, you were an idiot!
Theres them bloody haunting words again!
Any road, I blustered a bit for the show of things but soon caved in. When I told Ellie Pascoe I thought shed have been dead chuffed, but she seemed right disappointed I werent going to the Cedars. Even when I assured her I wouldnt let Cap be out of pocket here, she still didnt seem too pleased.
Women, eh? You can fuck em but you cant fathom them.
But Cap were happy and that meant I felt pretty pleased with myself when a couple of weeks later she drove me here to Sandytown.
I soon stopped being pleased, but. Cap had hardly set off back to the car park to drive home afore it was being made clear to me that the Avalon werent like a 5-star hotel with the guests wishes being law.
Convalescence is a carefully monitored progression from illness to complete health, explained the matron. (Name of Sheldon calls herself Chief Nurse, but with tits a randy vicar could rest a bible on while he preached the gospel according to St Dick, she were a shoo-in for the role of matron in one of them Carry On movies!)
Oh aye, I said, taking the piss. And visiting hours from three to quarter past every third Sunday!
Ha ha, she said. In fact no visitors at all to start with until weve had time to observe you and assess your needs and draw up your personal programme diet sheet, exercise schedule, medication plan, therapy timetable that sort of thing.
Bloody hell, I said. Schedules, timetables makes me feel like a railway train.
She smiled Ive seen more convincing smiles in a massage parlour and said, Indeed. And our aim is to get you puffing out of the station as quickly as possible.
I could see she liked her little joke. But I didnt argue. I just wanted to sleep!
That were a couple of days ago. Spent most of the time since then sleeping cos every time I woke up there were some bugger ready to pinch and prod and poke things into me. Assessment they call it. More like harassment to me!
Third day, matron appeared all coy and girlish, straightened my sheets, plumped my pillows and said, Big day, today, Mr Dalziel. Dr Feldenhammer himself is coming to see you.
And thats when I first set eyes on Lester Feldenhammer, head quack at the Avalon. I could tell he were a Yank soon as he opened his gob. Not the accent but the teeth! It were like looking down an old-fashioned bog, all vitreous china gleaming white. Bet he gargles with Harpic twice a day.
Mr Dalziel, he said. Welcome to the Avalon, sir. Your fame has preceded you. Im honoured to shake the hand of a man who got injured in the front line of the great fight against terrorism.
I thought he were taking the piss, but when I looked at him I could see he were sincere. Theyre the worst kind. Never trust a man who believes his own crap.
I thought, Ill have to watch this one.
He shook my hand like he wanted to make sure it were properly attached and he said, Im Lester Feldenhammer, Director of the Avalon, also Head of Clinical Psychology. I think weve just about got your programme sorted, but the greatest aid to speedy recovery must come from within. Ive taken the liberty of putting a little self-help book Ive written in your bedside locker. It may help you to a fuller understanding of whats happening to you here.
Gideon Bible usually does the trick, I said.
We like to think of them as complementary, he said. Im really looking forward to monitoring your progress, Mr Dalziel. On matters physiological you will, of course, have access to our specialized medical staff. On all other matters, Im your man. Anything you want to know, you have only to ask.
Is that right? I said. So whats for dinner?