And this coming from the woman who dubbed the different phases of dating, one of them being, the doom phase.
That was before I met Jeremy.
Excuses, excuses. Believe me, Im sure about this. Now hes coming closer, so Rebecca didnt know how to say it kindly. No more romance talk. Weve got kids coming in a few minutes.
Sure. Fine. I can take a hint. Marin was smiling a little too widely to be believable.
What was she going to do with everyone? What did she have to do to convince them that she really was fine? Well, as fine as she could be?
Rebecca focused on her clipboard, aware of the slight slap of Chads steps coming closer. Marin meant well, sure, but she had forgotten what it was like to be single and wish things were different. To wish you, yourself, were different.
She managed what she hoped was a bright welcome. Chad. Im pretty shocked to see you bright and early on a Monday morning. Youre not a member, are you?
Ive been here a couple of times when I was visiting my aunt and uncle. They attend the earliest service. I could barely hold my eyes open.
I try to avoid that one if I can or Im constantly yawning, no matter how hard I try not to. There she went, yakking on with him again. He was incredibly easy to talk to. If youre looking for Pastor Michaels, youve just missed him. He left for a meeting.
No, Im where Im supposed to be. Hi, Marin. Im here on time, reporting for duty.
For duty? The clipboard slipped from her hands and hit the concrete with a stunned clatter. How embarrassing. She knelt to retrieve it but Chad was already there, rescuing it with capable-looking hands. Now, why did she notice something like that?
Here you go. His smile was genuine. There was that sense of calm again, a steady light in his dark blue eyes. Are you one of the volunteers, too?
No, they actually pay me to have fun with the kids all day. She took the clipboard he offered her. Thanks. Again.
No problem.
Why were her knees shaky when she rose? That was a good question. Rebecca straightened the pen, still clipped to the board, needing to look at something other than Chad. She could feel his gaze on her like damp on the wind. Surely he was just surprised to see her, that was all.
Marin was grinning ear to ear. Since it seems that you two know each other, Chad, take this clipboard and help check in the kids when they start arriving. Im going to leave you in Rebeccas able hands.
I dont know about able. Rebecca shook her head. That Marin, she was always so optimistic and complimentary. Chad was so going to get the wrong idea. Im lucky you guys put up with me.
Marin chuckled as she walked away. Dont listen to her, Chad. Shes invaluable around here.
Rebecca rolled her eyes. Marin is the invaluable one. Im just hard to get rid of.
So, have they tried and you just wouldnt leave? Chad winked at her.
Charming, absolutely charming and she really should not be noticing that. Ive been here every summer since I was fifteen. I started volunteering in the churchs day care and it worked into this.
Youve been here ever since? Thats some serious commitment. They must really like you.
Im the one who really likes it here. The kids are great. She really was surprised how she was just herself around him. It was refreshing. Oh, the dowel. Shed forgotten to thank him. I found the dowel on my porch. I really appreciate it.
No problem. I had to stop by the hardware store anyway to pick up a few things. He gave a humble shoulder shrug. It was no trouble.
It was still very thoughtful. Rebecca couldnt believe it. Chad Lawson just kept seeming nicer and nicer. How about you? Why are you here?
Why not? My aunt told me about all the programs here and I thought I would get involved. Im planning on going to seminary after I finish at the university.
Montana State? I go there. What are you studying?
Im transferring there. Im majoring in both religion and psychology. I hope to have a job like Marins one day. Whats your major?
Heres where it got tough. It was the big question everyone wanted to know. She glanced up to see if any kids were running up to interruptand rescue heryet, but no, there was nothing but the steady patter of the rain. I just finished my masters degree in English and Im currently debating going back for my Ph.D.
Wow. Thats great. What kind of job are you going to get with that?
Yep, there it was. The million-dollar question. No idea. I just like going to school.
At least that made him smile, and she got to see his friendly, handsome grin again. The sight was enough to make her smile. While talking with him, it was easy to forget how the big plans she had for her life werent working out the way she thought. God seemed to be leading her in another direction entirely, but where, exactly? Ive never been interested in having a big career.
You never wanted to grow up and be anything?
She studied him. It wasnt as if there was anything to lose by telling him the stark truth. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Maybe thats not politically correct these days, or easy in this economy, but I just loved growing up the way I did. I wanted to be like my mom. To just be happy spending my time taking care of the people I love.
And before he could panic, thinking she was looking for a man to marry and support her, as Chris had finally accused her, she went right on with the truth. Im starting to see thats not going to happen for me. Thats why I might keep going on with school. I have to believe the good Lord knows where Im going. Although that sounds easier than it is.
I know, believe me. Chad resonated kindness. Still masculine and strong, calm and reassuring, but there was a goodness to him. He was more than nice; he was empathetic and mature. Thats faith. To keep putting one foot in front of the other when it feels like youre in the pitch dark, trusting the Lord to guide you in the right direction.
That was it exactly. You sound as if youre speaking from personal experience.
I am.
I dont mean to pry, but did it work out all right for you, walking in the dark and trusting?
So far so good. Ill let you know when I get where God is leading me.
Its to a very good place, Im sure.
I am, too. He smiled. He was seeing more in her by the minute. She was grounded and faithful and real.
Before he could ask her anything more, a red minivan pulled to a stop at the curb. The side door slid open and two grade-school-aged kids leaped out, backpacks in hand. They shouted goodbye to their mom behind the wheel, who waited, windshield wipers flapping as the girl and boy splashed their way up the walkway.
Looked as though the workday had started.
Talk about a busy day. With so many kids split up into age-appropriate activities, it was a mystery to him how he kept seeing Rebecca all through the morning.
Not that either of them had a single second to do more than say hihe was with the older boys and she was with the older girlsbut it was nice seeing a friendly face. Other than Ephraim and his aunt and uncle, he didnt know anyone else in all of Bozeman, unless it was Marin, whom hed met when hed signed up as a volunteer. So at noontime, when he spotted Rebecca sitting at a table in the dining area with her lunch spread before her, he headed straight for her, tray and all.
Mind if I sit with you?
She startled, turning to look at him over her shoulder with her wide honest eyes. The morning of activities had tangled her long locks of brown hair and she seemed glad to see him. Are you run ragged yet?
Yep. Im beat and the days half-over. He plopped his plate on the table, keeping an eye on the tableful of twelve-year-olds he was in charge of. The boys were snarfing up pizza and slurping down lemonade as if they were refilling their tanks, recharging for the rest of the afternoon.
Joy. He slid onto the bench near to her and took the time to bow his head for a quick grace. He looked up to find her watching him and waiting for him to finish what hed been saying. Im not sure I can make it through the rest of the day. Im short on stamina.
You? Hardly. You look like the type who is in great cardiovascular health, unlike me who avoids the gym with a passion.
He blinked. Wow. He had just discovered that it was impossible to think and look into her pretty eyes at the same time. He did his best to keep his thoughts from scrambling. You dont like sports?
Sure. Its exercising I dont like. Treadmills. Weight machines and reps.
I like the discipline of it.
Oh, youre one of those. She studied him over the rim of her cup. Im surprised youre eating pizza and not soybeans or something.
He caught the amused sparkle in her eyes. Im not a total health nut. I used to be, but I missed the pizza. And Popsicle treats. Maybe I should have stuck with the health food and I would have more stamina. Those kids have worn me out.
Marin should have warned you. Youll get used to it. You look like youre enjoying your first day here.
Im having a blast, but Im feeling my age.
That made her chuckle. You cant be any older than I am.
Sure, but those kids are putting me to shame. Im twenty-four, by the way.
Youre a year older than I am.
Here it came. He might as well say it before shewho had completed a masters programdid. Youre doing the math, arent you, and wondering why Im still working for my bachelors.
Maybe a little.
I was a slow starter.
I doubt that. I saw you playing basketball with the kids. You moved pretty fast.
She saw that? Cool. He took that as a sign. Sure, when it comes to b-ball. But other things have taken me a little longer to get right.
I know how that is. She smiled again, and the sweetness just beamed around her like sunlight. She leaned a little closer to him, as if interested in his answer. Did you have a hard time deciding what to do with your life, too?
For a long time. Now would be the right time to be totally honest, to just come clean. He opened his mouth to tell the truth, but the words lodged somewhere deep in his chest, near his heart.
If she knew what hed done and who he used to be, what would she think? Would she scoot away from him? Try to avoid him the next time she saw him? Would the friendliness in her luminous eyes fade forever, because she saw him differently?
He couldnt say the words. He didnt know if he was afraid to, or if they were just stuck between his ribs and wouldnt budge.
Whats so hard, she said quietly, is when you think you know where youre going, but life throws you a serious roadblock.
Been there. Again, he thought about his life before hed been saved. About the path hed been on. Thank God for roadblocks. He took a bite of pizza. I used to have things all figured out. When I was fifteen, thought I knew it all and believe me, that wasnt a good thing. I was making tons of poor choices.
Who doesnt when were teenagers? She took another sip of lemonade and put the cup down thoughtfully.
You? Make mistakes? I dont believe it.
Now youre being too kind. She couldnt look at him, but glanced at the table of twelve-year-old girls chattering together or talking on their phones. Ive made so many mistakes, mostly because I couldnt see with my own eyes what was wrong. Even when I was warned.
Chad wondered about what Ephraim said this morning, about Rebeccas former boyfriend. Sympathy tugged at his heart. That was my problem, too. I had friends telling me that what I was doing was going to catch up with me. That I was hanging with some other kids I didnt think were so bad. I didnt listen.
I understand. Ive been there. I just couldnt see. She shrugged, jostling her long locks of hair, looking sad.
So sad. He couldnt help but be affected. He wished he knew her well enough to know what to do to comfort her. It wasnt right that shed been hurt by a bad relationship, although he knew, too, what that was like. Been there. I was seeing this girl, I thought she was fun and different from the kind of sheltered life I led.
It was a bad relationship for you? Her hand stilled, her piece of cheese pizza an inch above the plate. Did you know it at the time?
Maybe there was that little voice inside meyou know the oneit was telling me to listen. Its tough to admit, but I just didnt want to.
Did she break your heart?
No, she bruised it pretty bad, though. It was my life she broke. Again, there was the truth right there, but it wouldnt roll off his tongue. Maybe talking about the past just hurt too much. Nothing was the same after that, and not in a good way.
Im sorry you had to go through that. Empathy made her more beautiful. It was easy to see that Rebecca McKaslin had a good heart. She set her half-finished piece of pizza back on her plate. After you two had broken up, did you take time off from dating for a while?
You might say that. It was a long time until I had my life in order before I even tried dating again. That didnt go well.
Im sorry to hear that. See, it was different for me. I didnt know the Chris everyone else did. If only she was able to forget the year shed met him. Theyd been high school sweethearts. Shed gotten numb about a lot of things concerning the breakup, but it hurt to remember. It hurt to look back.
Shed made too many mistakes. Mistakes she regretted. I was seventeen when the coolest guy in high school asked me to accompany him to one of his church functions. He went to a church across town, and when I learned he was a Christian, too, I was so thrilled. He was the captain of both the football and the baseball teams. He went to state three times.
Sounds like a guy who had everything going for him.
She nodded. Chris had been just everything wonderful in her eyes. He was fun and funny and he just seemed to take over my quiet life. It was like the sun came out one day when it had never shone before.
Chad watched her, nodding slowly, as if he were starting to see.
Why she went on, she couldnt say. She was a private person. She didnt even talk about this stuff with her sisters. Maybe it was Chads dependable goodness. Maybe it was because shed kept this bottled up for so long. Sure, Chris had problems, but who doesnt? Nobodys perfect. He swept me off my feet and fell in love with me, and that was an answered prayer. It was all I ever dreamed of.
Sounds like you still care about this guy.
No. Yes. Not in the way that you think. Things didnt gowell in the end. And that pretty much ended it for me. But that doesnt mean that its easy. The hurt is all tangled up with the good stuff and the bad stuff. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if looking in instead of out. Love is complicated. When it ends, its even more so.