The animals ran for the sanctuary to seek forgiveness and reassurance from Mel.
Ignore the heretic. He is the heretic of the great heresy, he assured them. Disregard everything that comes from his jaws. Follow Boris, your true Messiah.
Blessed are the Christians for it is through their kindness that we, too, shall enter into heaven, Boris continued his sermon next to the compost pile.
The sheep settled in around Boriss four-toed cloven hooves for comfort.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
The mink what the I dont want any stinking mink inheriting the earth.
No, no, friend, not mink, meek, said a 6-year-old 250-pound boar. The meek among us shall inherit the earth.
Friend, there are no mink among us.
Pandemonium broke out in the pigpen as a 26-foot box truck came into view and backed against the loading ramp. On the side of the orange-paneled truck in black letters: Harveys Pulled Pork Palace of Tel Aviv, live Blues music Friday and Sunday nights. Through all the squeals of protest and chaos, two men prodded the porkers up the loading ramp into the box truck and, in short order, they had the dozen porkers loaded and were gone, never to be seen again. As for the two men, they would return.
Boris stood on two legs and to the faithful, he preached, My friends, those porkers were rendered eunuchs for the benefit of man, and being that they are swine, you can rest assured that they are intended for the gastronomical pleasure of Christian man. Put yourselves upon the cutting block and you, too, shall be assured a place at Gods table.
The faithful squealed for Howard.
Howard preached of the forces of good and evil, the dualism between God and Satan, a close game at best, the evils of flesh and blood, the entrapment by the body and of the earth, of light and darkness, the sins of humans in general. Stop procreating, he advised. Humans will stop eating animal flesh as our populations dwindle to nothing.
They turned to Boris, who said, Blessed are you when people reproach you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven. For that is how they persecuted the swine prophets who came and went before you.
Julius flew out and alighted on the right shoulder of Bruce. Whos winning?
Tied, two-all, the bottom of the fifth, with two outs and a goat on second, Bruce said and shook his head.
Hmm, the bottom of the fifth, Julius said. He moved to the fence post afraid that his weight would become too much of a burden for Bruce to carry and wear him down. Im afraid this game is too slow for me to stay to the end. What if it went into extra endings! Oh, my goodness, it might never end!
Bruce closed his eyes against the flies.
* * *
Duck! quacked a duck in the barn when a Chinese laborer appeared from nowhere. Chaos ensued as chickens, ducks and geese scrambled in all directions to hide in all corners of the barn. The laborer reached down and grabbed a goose by the neck and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
Two ducks ventured out and met in the middle of the sanctuary. They peered about, surveying the area as chickens, other ducks and the remaining geese came out from hiding.
Oh, my goodness, said the duck who had warned everyone. That was close. She looked at her friend.
Her friend said, Dont say it. Dont say it.
Her goose is cooked.
Next time we may not be so lucky. Next time they might crave Peking duck.
Well, thanks be to Boris that none of us is from there!
Blessed are the Christians, for in their wondrous wisdom feed us, Boris continued from the compost pile.
If you call the slop they give us, food, youre a bigger pig than I thought.
Blessed are the Christians who eat us.
Eat us? And you bless them for that?
You do not enter heaven through the bowels of a Muslim, Boris explained. However, because of our association with Jesus, we enter the Kingdom of God through the Christians digestive tract. And blessed is the Jewish God, Yahweh, for He granted asylum to the swine as well because the Jew did not like the sound of pigs squealing. It reminds him of the cries of babes. Rabbis, forever after, granted swine were dirty, and stupid, left us alone to frolic, and flock, and multiply.
Yes, well, Im not so sure about that, said a young boar, and lucky to be a boar. Hes changed his mind because now some Jews are putting bacon on their plates.
Theyre not kosher or devout as their Muslim neighbors. Regardless of what Muhammad said, or what he said that they did not hear, Muslims swore off pork.
* * *
So, when are you breaking out of this joint? Julius said.
Bruce said, When the tide comes in.
I didnt know you could swim.
Youll carry me to safety. Anything would be better than this shit.
Im not sure, but it might depend on which way the wind blows. Dont look now, but rumor has it, cell block number 9 is making a break for it later tonight. They have a tunnel dug, but I cant bear to tell them it comes out under the Gaza Strip and not the Kerem Shalom mall. Julius covered his beak with a wing as he turned his head to feign a laugh.
Is the mule leading the way?
Are you kidding? Hes pinning his hopes on the back of the Bore of Berkshire, just as the Boar has the tail pinned on the donkey.
Tell us, O Lord, of Jesus and the Demon Swine.
Oh, yes, please do, Lord, cried the piglets. Tell us the story of how the demons were cast into swine. And Boris did not disappoint. He told the story of how Jesus cast out demons into a herd of swine, but with a different outcome, which was joyous and beneficial, particularly to the young pigs among the farm animals.
When Jesus came into the country, he was greeted by two people possessed by demons. They met him there on the road, coming out of tombs, and so exceedingly fierce, they would not allow anyone to pass that way, not even Jesus. Behold, they cried out. What do you know, its Jesus. What do we have to do with you, Jesus, Son of God? Have you come here to torment us before the time? Jesus replied, No, not at all. Just passing through on my way to Galilee, friends, carry on. But the demons begged him, If you cast us out, dear Lord, permit us to go away into that herd of pigs over there feeding as they are far away from us. And the Lord said to the demons, Go! They came out, and went into the herd of pigs, and behold it was said, and the whole herd of pigs rushed down the cliffs into the sea, and died against the rocks.
Oh, how awful, the piglets cried.
Boris assured them by saying, My family, my herd, do not let your hearts be troubled. This is not the end of the story. The Lord of Man, our God, did cast out the demons into the herd of swine, but they did not rush down to the sea to die. Instead, they rushed down to the sea to frolic in the sand, the sun, and the surf. They did not die against the rocks, but frolicked in the sea spray, for the demons were merely souls that entered into the pigs, and they were playful, full of mirth and laughter.
Cheers went up from the gathered souls.
And those who fed them fled, and went away into the city, and told everything, including what happened to those who were possessed with demons. And the pigs were left alone to their own devices. Thus, therefore, and so forth, today we are plentiful.
Cheers went up from the gathered souls.
And those who fed them fled, and went away into the city, and told everything, including what happened to those who were possessed with demons. And the pigs were left alone to their own devices. Thus, therefore, and so forth, today we are plentiful.
The barnyard pigs and their piglets squealed with joy.
Oh, tell us, Rabbi, tell us the rest of the story of the demon swineherd.
Later, after casting out the demons into the swineherd, Jesus, to show he was a good fellow, went down to the sea among them, and as he walked on water, blessed the pigs for they were lowly, and absolved them of their sins. When the prophet Mohammed appeared on the ridge, he witnessed the herd of pigs playing in the sand and shit, wadding in the waves, making sand sties and mud pies, squealing and pealing with laughter. He said unto his people, Going forth from this day onward, from the wiggly tail to the snout, this is what is to be left out. But his voice was drowned by the rush of the sea and not fully understood. Therefore, what his will be done, went unknown. Not sure what was and what wasnt kosher to speak, Muslims, devout as they are, and not knowing fully from the wiggly tail to the snout what was to be left out, swore off everything between. This is why they now sit perched on the hill as they do, salivating over our brothers and sisters, the sheep and goats among us, and their young lambs and kids, for soon upon us will be Ramadan. Although Jesus is known as a friend to the lamb, it is widely seen that he was a greater friend to the pig. Thus, it is because of the love of Jesus shown to the pig that the Prophet Muhammad is our friend. Except for those poor souls along the Thames or the Rhine or the Danube or along the banks of the mighty Mississippi or the shores of Lake Pontchartrain, pigs are grateful to Jesus and Muhammad.
Hes not our friend, said Billy Kidd, the Boer goat.
Yes, Muhammad is a friend to the pig even though he doesnt show it, just as Jesus is a friend to the lamb, and as the good shepherd that none of us want, he shows it. This, as we know, is not so lucky for our brothers and sisters, the sheep and goats. Having Jesus as your friend does not ward off the evils of cutting flesh from bone.
In other words, Howard said from the pond, Jesus does not protect the lamb from flesh-eating man, and as for the pigs, anything from the tail to the nose is fair game. Men even use lambskin to cover the shank, so they can fornicate and not procreate.
The sheep were torn and confused. They ran from one sermon to the other, from Howard to Boris, and back again until Mel stated that the heretic preached exclusion. Inclusive was only meant for pigs, as in Mohammed is our friend. The sheep flocked to Boris, their Savior.
Blessed are the wretched. Blessed are the poor, for they shall enter the animal kingdom of heaven, Boris preached. Although the way is narrow into the valley of clover on the other side of paradise, believe in this, also believe in me, and confess to your confessor, the holy prelate Mel, and you shall receive salvation and live forever in the animal kingdom of God, where no animal feeds off another. And remember, Yahweh, for he, too, is our friend. When hearing the squealing of the swine, he shrieked and declared them vulgar and unclean. Whereupon, the tribes of Israel soon thereafter exited Egypt by way of the Red Sea. Yes, it is Egypt where we are from, and it is Egypt, our paradise on earth, where we shall return.
Boris said, I light the way to paradise on earth, and only through me to heaven beyond. Follow me and you shall receive, for it is through me that you surely shall enter the gates of paradise, and though the way is wide, the path is narrow, and through these narrows are the desert mountains, and the valley of life on earth. It is our resting place on our journey into the animal kingdom of heaven. This day that Boris sermonized to all the animals would one day be known as the sermon on the compost pile, where Boris delivered the Beastitudes.
Boris added that not long after their friend and benefactor, Muhammad had granted the swine a respite to live in Egypt, that he rose on the back of his favorite steed into paradise.
Thats funny, Julius said to Bruce at the water tank. All these years, and I thought it was a unicorn. The great Prophet Muhammad was the only guy of all of humanity who could tame that unruly, wily unicorn. And as the last unicorn rose into the heavens, so, too, did Muhammad, riding into the clouds on its horn. Shows you what I know. What I know from these true stories is whos the greater prophet, Jesus or Muhammad? Jesus, of course. Not only is Jesus Gods gift to man, but Jesus! Even after being nailed to the cross all day, Jesus ascended of his own volition. Whereas, Muhammad, whether on the back of his favorite steed or on the horn of that unruly unicorn, had to hitch a ride. Thats all the proof I need to prove that Jesus rocks!
Bruce, when I die, I hope to have a wing and a prayer, so I, too, may make my way into the clouds above. But if not, Ill take an elevator. What say, you, my old friend?
Ill fly, Bruce said.
Oh, really, Julius said, flapping his massive wings. I didnt know you had wings?
Ill grow a pair.
Julius, who was rarely at a loss for words, didnt say a word.
When the afternoon sun glinted off Boriss white tusks, it scared the flocks, who flocked to Howard, even though by now they knew he was the heretic of the great heresy.
Stop, Mel said from the barn. What are you afraid of? The sun of God alights on the tusks of the Boar, and you dont know this is a glorious thing? Go back to the fold where you belong, and life ever-after is promised. Some turned back, but others did not. The animals who turned back toward Boris were not enough to please Mel.
Howard said, There is no fornicating that leads to procreating. If you engage in such sinful activities, you fornicate protected. However, it remains a sin against nature, a curse of the loins from Satan.
Mel stepped out from the barn into the sun.
Howard said, As our numbers fade from the earth, man will lose interest in us as a food source, and will eventually leave us alone as he, too, fades from the earth.
Yeah, like that will ever happen, snorted a porker.
The domesticated farm animals turned and ran for Boris.
Have you heard some of the shit that comes out of that pigs mouth? Bruce said.
You mean Howard? I like Howard, Julius said. He means well. If they have to follow someone, at least hes not going to take them over a cliff.
You like something? Mel said as he approached the water tank. I didnt think you liked anything.
I like a lot of things, Julius said, but a mules ass in my face isnt one of them.
Mel took a long drink. When he finished, he jerked his head, spewing water over his shoulders and backside as he trotted off in a huff to the barn.
Well, that was rather belligerent, dont you think?
I try not to, Bruce said.
How belligerent, Julius said. Hes so belligerent.
He has God on his side.
I hear theyre best friends, like us.
These pigs are nuts, Bruce snorted. They argue different sides of the same coin.
I suppose youre right, Julius said. Im afraid nothings going to change much with these fools, and the fools theyll follow to the ends of the earth.