Well, yeah. I never stopped wanting him. Trust was our new stumbling block, and as much as Nash meant to me, I couldnt truly forgive him until I knew I could trust him again. I sighed and ran one finger through the condensation on the outside of my glass. And I guess I kind of assumed that when we were both ready, wed get back together. But now, with Sabine back in the picture I swallowed a bitter pang of jealousy. It hurt to see them together.
They shared a history I hadnt even known existed. A connection that predated my presence in Nashs life and made me feelirrelevant. And it wasnt just sex. Shed known him before Tod died. That was practically a lifetime ago. Was Nash very different then? Would I have liked him?
They shared a history I hadnt even known existed. A connection that predated my presence in Nashs life and made me feelirrelevant. And it wasnt just sex. Shed known him before Tod died. That was practically a lifetime ago. Was Nash very different then? Would I have liked him?
Would he have let a demon possess Sabine, when they were together? Would he now?
And the dream But I couldnt finish. Being publicly humiliated and rejected like that by someone who claimed to love methat was a whole new kind of terror, and even the memory of the dream left me cold.
Tod says they were, like, obsessed with each other, and now shes back, and it turns out they never really broke up. Shes not just gonna bow out gracefully, is she?
Alec shrugged. Honestly, I dont have a lot of experience with human girlsyoure the first one Ive really talked to in twenty-six years. But I do know a bit about obsessionyou might recall Avaris ongoing quest to possess your soul?
That does ring a bell My hand clenched around my glass, and I gulped from it, trying to drown the pit of lingering terror that had opened up in my stomach.
Well, whether shes obsessed with him or actually in love with himor bothshes probably not gonna just walk away, Alec said, when I finally set my glass down. But really, thats a good thing, in a way.
I gaped at him. In what universe does Nashs ex wanting him back qualify as a good thing?
Alec leaned back against the cushions. Think of it as a second opinion on his value. If he wasnt worth the fight, wouldnt she just let him go? Wouldnt you?
Hmm Would I? Should I?
How did you get so wise? Youre like a giant Yoda, minus the pointy ears and green skin. I hesitated, eyeing him in curiosity. They had Star Wars in the eighties, right?
Alec laughed, and his deep brown eyes lit up. Only the original trilogy. You sure know how to make a guy feel old. Then he frowned. But I guess that makes sense. Its weird. He met my gaze again. Physically, Im still nineteen. But Im old enough to be your dad.
I shook my head and grinned. No way. My dads a hundred and thirty. Though he didnt look a day over forty. Why? Do you feel forty-five on the inside?
Alec shook his head, holding my gaze with a serious, heavy sadness. I feel way older, most of the time. Every day in the Netherworld was like a year, and I was there for something like twenty-six years. Doesnt even seem possible. Then, suddenly Im out, and Im here, and everythings different and fast and hard and shiny. Im old and wise, according to some his eyes flashed in brief good humor on my behalf and in some ways, I feel ten thousand years old, because after everything Ive seen, and everything I had to do to survive, shiny new Blu-ray disks and stereos that fit in your pocket seem soirrelevant.
Alec shrugged again, looking lost. But then sometimes I feel like a little kid, because these shiny bits of irrelevance are everyday parts of my life now, and half the time, I dont have a clue what they do.
Wow. I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. That was deep.
He returned my grin and raised a challenging eyebrow. Isnt it past your bedtime?
Youre sayin I should listen to my elders?
His smile died, and he glanced at the hands clasped in his lap, then back up at me. Im saying I wish I wasnt your elder. Another sigh. I wish I hadnt lost twenty-six years of my life, and I wish to hell that it wasnt so hard to take advantage of what I have left.
Unfortunately, everyone hed known before he left the human world was a quarter century older now, so he couldnt just show up on old friends doorstepsassuming he knew where to find themwith a smile and a suitcase. My dad and I were all Alec had at the moment, and we had no intention of cutting him loose.
But deep down, we all three knew that we couldnt replace his real family any more than my aunt and uncle had been able to replace my parents.
I just wish I could turn back the clock and undo everything that went wrong.
I knew exactly how he felt.
TUESDAY MORNING, the second day of the spring semester, I was waiting in front of Nashs locker when he arrived, walking down the hall alone for the first time since I could remember. His two best friends were gone, and wed broken up. He was alone and probably miserable. And I couldnt help wondering how hed gotten to school, considering he didnt have a car and no longer had anyone to bum a ride from.
Surely he hadnt taken the bus with the freshmen.
Hey. His voice was casual, and completely Influence free, but his eyes swirled slowly in genuine pleasure. He was happy to see me.
My pulse spiked a little at that knowledge, and I resisted a relieved smile, trying to think of a way to ask him about Sabine without admitting that I wanted to nail her into a crate and ship her to the South Pole. Even though Id just met her. Hey. Can we talk?
Yeah. Nash opened his locker, then unzipped his backpack. Actually, I need to tell you something. I wanted to say this yesterday, but then we got interrupted, and He set his bag down without taking anything out of it and looked right into my eyes, so I could see the sincerity swirling in his. Kaylee, I just want you to know that Im clean. It sucks, and its hard, especially when Im home by myself with nothing else to think about. But Im totally clean. And Im going to stay that way.
My heart ached. Part of me wanted to hug him and forgive him and take him back right then, because I was afraid that if I didnt, Id lose my chance. Sabine would move in, and the time-out that was supposed to give Nash a chance to get better and me a chance to deal with what happened would only end up giving her a way into his life.
But I couldnt just forget about everything hed done. If I took him back before I was sure we were both ready, we could fall apart for real. Forever. Rushing in could ruin everything for both of us.
Of course, so could Sabine.
Im glad. Thats really good, Nash, I said, hating how lame I sounded. Did Hallmark make a card for former addict ex-boyfriends who were trying to stay clean?
Sowhat did you want to talk about? he asked, as I clung to the strap of my backpack like a life preserver. Why was I so nervous?
I just I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then made myself look at him. How worried should I be about Sabine?
At the mention of her name, Nashs irises exploded into motion, swirling so fast I couldnt interpret what he was feeling. And with sudden, frightening insight, I realized that was because he didnt know what he was feeling. Probably several conflicting emotions. But whatever they were, they were strong.
Worried about her? His irises went suddenly still, as he slammed the lid shut on his emotions, blocking me out. I couldnt blame him. Who wants to walk around looking like a giant mood ring? But I was desperate for a hint of what he really felt about her. And about me. I needed to know where I stood. Why would you
But before he could finish, she was suddenly there, down the hall, shouting his name like she didnt care who heard. Or who turned to stare.
Sabine was fearless.
Nash! She jogged down the hall toward us, bag bouncing on her back, low-cut khakis barely hanging on to her hips. As she came to a stop, she reached into her hip pocket and pulled out a cell phone. Nashs cell phone. You left this in my car. You know, you should really set it to autolock. Otherwise, all your informations just there for the taking Instead of handing him the phone, she stepped close and slid it slowly into his front left pocket, letting her fingers linger until he actually had to pull her hand from his pocket. Right there in the hall.
Sabine was fearless.
Nash! She jogged down the hall toward us, bag bouncing on her back, low-cut khakis barely hanging on to her hips. As she came to a stop, she reached into her hip pocket and pulled out a cell phone. Nashs cell phone. You left this in my car. You know, you should really set it to autolock. Otherwise, all your informations just there for the taking Instead of handing him the phone, she stepped close and slid it slowly into his front left pocket, letting her fingers linger until he actually had to pull her hand from his pocket. Right there in the hall.
My face flamed. I could feel my cheeks burning and could see a scarlet half-moon at the bottom edge of my vision.
Umthanks, Nash said.
Anytime, she purred, then finally seemed to notice me standing there. Hey, Katie, whats up? Her black eyes stared into mine, and I flashed back to my dream from the night before. Chill bumps popped up beneath my sleeves, and if I didnt know any better, Id swear the fluorescent light overhead flickered just to cast deep shadows beneath her eyes.
It was everything I could do not to shudder. Something was wrong with her. How could Nash not see it? Looking into Sabines eyes was like taking a breath with my head stuck inside the freezer.
Its Kaylee, I said through gritted teeth, forcing the words out when what I really wanted was to excuse myself and walk away. Fast. And we were talking.
Oh, good! She turned back to Nash, grinning like shed just made a clever joke and I was the punch line, and I was ashamed of how relieved I was to no longer be the focus of her attention. What are we talking about?
Its private, I said, my hand clenching around my backpack strap.
Oh. Speaking of private, I actually slept pretty well last night, for once. I think I just needed to be really worn out to make it happen, you know? She raised one brow at me, and I fought another chill as she turned to Nash. Good thing your mom works nights now.