Alex watched the dancers from a great unbridgeable distance, while thoughts and feelings rocketed through her mind like an oarless boat on a river full of rapids.
My God, he can dance. And who would have thought a man in a wheelchair could look so graceful? So sexy.
Sobeautiful.
So virile? I wonder if he
Sobeautiful.
So virile? I wonder if he
No. I dont want to wonder.
Damn, but this hurts. I dont want to watch him, but I cant help it.
How can he dance with someone else? To this song? Not that we were sentimental, either one of us, to have had our song-but if we had one this would have been it. We used to dance to it, me with my hands around his neck, and hed have his hands on my butt, and wed sing along while we danced. Sing about the river we both loved.
How could you, Mattie? How could you have messed everything up so badly?
Hey, boss, leaving so soon?
She realized only then that she was standing, looking down at Tahoe, who was looking back at her with heavy-lidded eyes. And she was proud of the brisk and businesslike way she replied. Hey, Im runnin the Forks tomorrow. I dont know about you, but Im planning on getting a good nights rest.
She walked out of the room without a backward glance, fully aware of the fact that shed left before the hamburger shed ordered had arrived. And that everyone there would know that. And probably guess why.
In the foyer she almost bumped into Eve, whod been lurking in the doorway, evidently watching the dancers, too.
Oh, damn. Of all the people in the world she did not want to have to deal with just then, Eve topped the list. Not that Eve wasnt a good friend, but she was just so darn needy. And at the momentDammit, right now I might be needy myself. Okay? When do I get to have somebody comfort me?
The thought was so foreign to her nature, it shook her. Terrified it might show, she compensated by being overly jovial.
Eve-hey, where you been, girl?
Eve shrugged and looked away. Looked at the dancers, the empty coat rack, the beer signs on the wall. She mumbled something about having stuff to take care of. Paperwork to catch up on.
Okay, so she was still miffed about Alex taking the Forks run? Tough. Covering her own inner turmoil, Alex gave a shoo-fly wave. Forget that-its the weekend, right? You dont have a run scheduled. Why dont you go on in? Join the gang. Theyve got a regular party goin on.
Shed started out, bent on making her escape, when it occurred to her. She said to Eve without turning back, Oh, hey-you can have my burger, too, if you want it.
Chapter 4
It was the part hed dreaded. He thought hed gotten over feeling humiliated by the limitations of his physical body; falling on his face in public places and having to be lifted back into his chair by strangers had pretty well cured him of that. He was finding out it was much, much worse when it was friends doing the picking up. Especially friends whod known him when he was able-bodied. Especially when one of those friends was Alex.
They made it as easy on him as they could, hed give them that. Tahoe, who could probably bench-press a Volkswagen, picked him up as effortlessly as he did the coolers full of food and set him down on the back of the mule-an old-timer named Mabel he remembered well-before he really had time to think much about it. Booker T strapped him into the saddle while Tahoe held him steady, and Alex supervised the whole operation with a frown of laserlike concentration and never once made eye contact with him.
It probably shouldnt have bothered him, but it did. He endured it with what he hoped was expressionless stoicism, but inside he was seething with humiliation and anger, flashing back to his early days in rehab.
Jeez, Alex, couldnt you have the tiniest shred of sensitivity? Did you really have to watch? So how did it make you feel, seeing the man who used to share your bed picked up and plunked on the back of a mule like a baby in a stroller?
The flare of anger passed and bleak realization came in its place.
Hell, who am I kidding? She probably doesnt feel anything at all. No more than she would for any other physically challenged customer, anyway. Shes responsible for my safety, so naturally shes going to check everything out. Its her job.
He watched in grim silence while Tahoe strapped his chair onto the back of one of the other mules. Then Booker T mounted the lead horse and the train moved off onto the winding, switchbacking trail. Up ahead of Booker T, Matt caught a glimpse of Cory and Sam, top-heavy with their thirty-pound backpacks, and Alex trotting to catch up with them before they dropped out of sight into the canyon.
He looked up at the sky, checking out of habit for the haze of forest fire. But the weekend with its invasion of crazy or careless flatlanders from L.A. and the San Joaquin Valley was still a day off, and all he saw was clear, cloudless blue, and a hawk circling lazily in it. He sniffed the air for the scent of smoke, then hauled in a chestful of air that smelled only of pine and dust and horse sweat. With it came a whole avalanche of memories. Good memories.
Almost against his will, the anger and hurt faded, and he felt instead a fierce kind of joy. And that prickling, tingling ache that made him not know whether to laugh out loud or cry. Seemed like hed been having that feeling a lot lately.
He let go of the breath and settled in to enjoy the descent into the river gorge and the rocking gait of the mules beneath him, and the Sierra Nevada mountains spread out all around him like a great big welcome home.
Alex walked away blindly, leaving the rest of the mule-packing to Tahoe and Booker T.
Oh God, I shouldnt have done that. Why did I do that? Stay and watch? It hurts. It hurts me to see him like this. I cant even imagine what it must be like for him.
She caught a quick breath to ease the pain inside her, and was grateful for the anger that helped even more. Why is he doing this? What is it, Mattie, the challenge of it? You always were a daredevil. Or are you trying to prove something? Who to? I wonder. Yourself, your big brother, orme?
Oh God, I hope it isnt me.
I wish I hadnt watched.
She closed her eyes for a momentand saw her own hands checking over the saddle and the rigging. Then her mind flipped backward in time and she was seeing Matts hands, instead. Matts strong, sure hands, jerkily checking over his climbing gear. She heard his voice
Its no big secret how I feel about you, I tell you often enough. So, now Im asking you. Do you love me?
What might have been, she wondered, if only Id answered?
If only Id checked his rigging that day
She exhaled with a shudder, jerked off her sunglasses and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Then she put the glasses carefully back in place and broke into a downhill jog to catch up with Cory and Sam.
Okay, quit beatin yourself up, Pearse.
Cory gave his wife a rueful smile as she sank onto the granite boulder beside him. Is it that obvious?
Probably only to me. She jerked her head toward the figure sitting alone a little way off, hunched in his chair and gazing intently at the river. Right now youre asking yourself, Was I out of my mind, bringing him here? What was I thinking?
He snorted, shook his head, then after a moment looked up at the sky as if the answers to the questions in his mind might be found written up there. What have I done to him, Sam? Do you know what it must have been like for him, to have her see him-
Pearse. You know Id tell you if you were wrong. Okay, well, Im not going to tell you youre wrong. Im not quite sure if youre right, either, but I do know this. If anything is gonna happen between those two, theyre gonna have to face this sooner or later. I mean, hes gonna have to let her see him bein weak and helpless and vulnerable and get over bein bothered by it. And shes gonna have to see him that way and not have it affect how she feels about him. Thats the way it is with two people when they get to be a couple. You have to be okay with the other person bein the strong one now and then.
Oh, yeah, Cory said, Ive felt that way with you a time or two.
A time or two? Sam pretended to look shocked, then grinned and leaned over to give him an affectionate nudge.
The thing is, he went on, after nudging her back, I think theres got to be some sort of balance-you know, offsetting measures of strengths and weaknesses. He paused, and his gaze found his brother again before it moved on to where Alex was engaged in conference with Tahoe and Booker T down by the rivers edge. I dont think either of those two would be happy if its too one-sided.
True She turned her head to look at him along one shoulder. You dont think Alex has any weaknesses? Vulnerabilities?
He gave a dry laugh. Except for having some ambiguous feelings for my brother, I sure havent seen any so far.
Sams gaze drifted back to the trio by the waters edge. Everybodys vulnerable about something. Some people just hide it better than others.
Thats true. Cory shaded his eyes with his hand. What do you suppose is going on down there? Does that look right to you?
She shook her head, shading her eyes, now, too. Huh-uh. Appears to be a problem of some kind.
Well, said Cory, getting to his feet, I dont know about you, but Im for finding out what. He offered his wife a hand up, grinning slyly.
Sam grinned back as she took it. Hey-Im not too proud to show my weaknesses.
How could this happen? Alex had one hand clamped to the top of her head, as if doing that might help keep a lid on her temper. So far it wasnt working. The equipment was checked-thoroughly. I double-checked it myself. You know I did. How could the damn thing not be holding air?
Down on one knee beside the slowly deflating oar boat, Tahoe tilted his head to give her an inscrutable look. Looks to me like the valves damaged, boss.
What? Alex added a second hand to the one already attempting to keep the top of her head from flying off. How?
Tahoe shrugged and rose to his feet, dusting off his hands. Pretty much had to be deliberate. Must have happened last night, after the equipment check.
She opened her mouth, but all that emerged was a wordless squeak of incredulity. She couldnt believe what she was hearing. Sabotage? Why? Who?