And instead of having gotten it out of the way, he still had it to look forward to-his first face-to-face with Alex since that day at the rehab hospital. Awful day. He closed his eyes, pressed his fist against the pain in his chest and whooshed out air, but the memories came anyway.
Alex fidgeting, arms folded across her waist, looking anywhere but at himlooking like shed rather be anywhere but there, with him.
They tell me Im going to be ready to leave here in a couple weeks.
She nods, says, Good. Thats good. Im glad.
Im getting a place He waits, she nods. Physical therapyyou know. I guess that goes on for a while yet. SoI guess Im gonna need to be close to this place for now.
She nods again. He sees her swallow. His chest is full of knots, and his mind is screaming, What the hells wrong with you, Alex? This is me-Matt. Dont stand there like youre a million miles away-say something, dammit!
Then she does, and its, Okay, so I guess thats whats best, then. I understand. Thats cool. She sounds like a stranger.
And he wants to yell at her, No, its not cool. It sucks. Its my body thats all busted up-inside Im the same guy. The one who runs the big rapids with you, makes you laugh. The one who loves youmakes love to you. My God, Alex, cant you see that?
He knows its not true, even while he thinks it. Hell never be the same man he was. And he can see she knows it, too.
Smart woman, Alex.
Hey-I made it easy for her, thats all. Clean break-thats always best. Right?
A knock at the door kept the rest of it at bay, for now. He knew from long experience the memories would be back. The memories from beforeand after. He had a feeling they always would.
It was the during memories, the ones of the accident, he didnt have.
Sam came from the bathroom, having changed her khaki T-shirt and cargo pants for walking shorts and a sleeveless top that left a lot of smooth golden skin showing. Matt saw his brother give her an appreciative look as he went to open the door, and couldnt help feeling a sharp stab of envy. Woulda been nice, he thought.
Then the room was filling up with people and noise, and he put all thoughts and feelings aside for the moment. Put on his happy face. Or, if not happy, at least cool.
Alex came in first, naturally. Then Booker T and Linda, then a tall, good-looking blond girl Matt didnt know. Last came Tahoe, the Class V guide, which pretty much filled up the room. There was a lot of noise and friendly handshaking, since mostly everybody had met everybody else that afternoon at the yard. Matt hung back out of the way through most of it, rocking forward to extend a hand as he was introduced to Cheryl, the blonde, who turned out to be the guide assigned to food duty for their trip.
A newbie, huh? He noted, smiling at her in his most charming way, that her hand was warm and firm, and seemed to want to linger in his a little longer than was really necessary.
YeahHowd you guess? Her voice was breathless, husky and a little shy.
Tradition. Newbies get the food detail.
Oh, thats right, you used to be-
Yeah. Guess some things dont change.
You got that right. Now, that voice he knew. Edgy as a squeaking door, and it still made his skin shiver in predictable ways. Better watch him, Cheryl. Still thinks he can charm the britches off a girl with that grin.
Hey, Alex. He made it nice and cooleasygoing. Clint Eastwood would have been proud.
Hey, Matthew.
Matthew. He couldnt remember the last time anybodyd called him that. Only two people in the world did, and one was his mother. He let his gaze find her eyes, and Cheryl the good-looking blonde and everybody else in the room disappeared.
Still has those lashes. Like soot rings around live coals.
She had some sun wrinkles he didnt remember, a couple around her mouth and at the corners of her eyes. Maybe a few more freckles, too. She never had been good at remembering sunscreen.
Bout time you got around to saying hello.
Got things to do. Hey, you think youre the only customer Ive got?
Her tone was light, teasing. Her smile was in place, just like his was. Twin smiles. No getting around it, people were going to be watching this. Theyd put on a good show.
He felt as if the paralysis hed grown accustomed to in his lower half had crept up his body all the way to his chin.
So- she turned away from him and raised her head and her voice to encompass Sam and Cory -in case you didnt read your information packet yet, this is your pre-trip meeting. Were supposed to go over the details of the trip with you all, but since you probably got that already this afternoon, or from Matt here, I think we can probably skip that. Unless you have any questions?
She paused, waited, then gestured to Tahoe, who stepped forward to dump some waterproof gear bags on the nearest bed. Okay, these are for your stuff. Matt can tell you what you need to take and what you should leave behind. She paused to dust her hands off and grin. And that, boys and girls, concludes the business portion of our evening. Shall we all adjourn to The Corral for burgers andwhatever?
There were general cries of approval and seconds to that motion, which got even more enthusiastic when Cory announced he was buying.
Everyone shuffled and jostled their way out of the room and into the soft summer twilight. Nobody was inclined to drive, since The Corral was just across the park and the main road through town. As the group strolled along the roadway, taking the long way around instead of cutting through the park for Matts sake, Alex moved in alongside his chair. Making it seem a casual thing, as if it were only the natural ebb and flow of the crowd that had brought her there.
They strolled along in silence for a while. Then Alex said in a low voice, You do know this is insane.
He gave a short dry laugh. Wouldnt be the first time you and I did something wild and crazy.
Yeah, and look where that got us.
Something in her voice-a slight catch, maybe-made him look up at her, wanting to see what was in her faceher eyes. But she was already moving away from him, into the dusk.
The crowd at The Corral was rowdy; at least some things hadnt changed-much. The place had gone smoke-free, along with the rest of California, but there was enough of the familiar smells of sweat, booze and charred meat to make up for it, still make it the place he remembered. That, and the noise-laughter and conversation and loud foot-stompin country music playing on the jukebox. Matt wondered whether they still had live music on weekends. And whether Alex went there to hear it, and who she danced with these days.
There was a lot of calling out and waving back and forth as their group moved through the crowd to a table near the dance floor. Obviously, the river guides were still regulars here. Several people Matt knew came over to say hello, with varying degrees of awkwardness and constraint. Which he was used to, and had long ago stopped being bothered by. He figured hed probably be the same way, if the situations had been reversed.
They put in their orders for beer and The Corrals famous black angus hamburgers, then settled back to watch the raggedy line dance in progress. It ended, to hoots and cheers and some sporadic applause, and a Garth Brooks classic-The River-came on. Linda and Sam started to sing along, and then Booker T got up and with old-fashioned courtesy, asked his wife to dance. A respectful silence fell over the table as they all watched Booker T guide his wife around the small dance floor, kind of bent over at the hips like the rump-spring cowboy hed been in his youth. Then Sam jumped up and grabbed Corys arm and hauled him onto the dance floor.
Among the four remaining at the table-Cheryl and Tahoe, Alex and Matt-an awkward silence fell. Tahoe sat sprawled in his chair, nursing his longneck beer and watching the dancers with his usual unreadable gaze. Cheryl tapped her fingers on the table and rocked her body in time to the music. Alex picked up her beer and took a sip.
Matt said, How bout you, Alex-you used to like to dance. He spoke in an easy drawl, but he could feel his heart thumping, out of sync with the music.
Above the rim of the beer bottle her eyes widened briefly, flared and then faded the way banked coals do when you blow on them. He could see she didnt know what to say, that hed surprised her, probably. Hell, for sure, he had. What had he expected her to say? He hadnt even asked it out loud. Dance with me, Alex. Wont be the way it used to be, but Ill make sure you enjoy it. Maybe not quite, but almost as much.
While Alex was hesitating, swallowing her mouthful of beer and evidently trying to think of a reply, Cheryl hopped up and stuck out her hand and said, Hey, Ill dance with you.
So, what could he do? He reached out and took the hand she offered, looked up at her and smiled. Well, lets go, then.
After that, he just concentrated on the music, Cheryls warm hand in his, and her pretty baby-blue eyes.
Tried to, anyway. Trouble was, a different pair of eyes kept getting in the way. Hazel-gold eyes filled with fire and fringed with black, and a smart-alecky mouth that never lacked for something bossy to say. He kept remembering how that mouth felt, laughing up against his, how incredibly inventive it could be, exploring his bodys most sensitive places-back when his body had had senses. Kept remembering how her body felt-small, but round where it needed to be, and as she liked to say, freakishly strong. One little bitty package made up of muscle and fire-that was Alex. My Alex.
He rotated his chair in time to the music, one hand guiding Cheryl as she sashayed in a circle around him. She looked down at him, eyes lit up and smiling, and he looked back at her and winked. And his mind followed its own stepsits own dance:
Not your Alex anymore, you fool. What the hell do you think youre doing here? Shes right-its insane, going on this run. What is it you hope to accomplish? What are you trying to prove?
It came to him, finally, sometime out there on that dance floor as he was rocking and swaying to Garth Brookss anthem comparing life to the flow of a river. In a way, hed staked everything on this run down the monster rapids known as the Forks of the Kern. This was it-his one chance to make it all right again. As far as his future happiness was concerned-and that meant his future with Alex Penny-to borrow a poker term (and hed played a lot of poker during his months in rehab), he was All In.