I was not!
No! You know its not-shoot, we take disabled people on the river all the time, you know we do.
Well, then?
Jeez, Booker T, he wants to go on the Forks. Thats a class V. He cant-
Hes done it before, dozens of times.
Not in five years, he hasnt!
Booker T pulled up in front of Alexs little house, set among the granite boulders and bull pines with the privacy and isolation she normally loved. He cut off the motor, and in the silence said quietly, Thats whats bothering you, isnt it? The fact hes been gone five years. What are you afraid of, Alex? That he cant do it, or that he still can?
Still canmake my heart hammer and my skin hot? Still canmake me want him?
She sucked in another breath-an angry one, this time-and whooshed it out along with, No, thats not-Look, Im not afraid, okay? Thats just stupid. Im not afraid. Im not.
Okay, youre not afraid. So, why not book his trip? He opened his door and got out, then opened hers for her and held out his hand to help her down. Youre not chicken, are you, baby doll?
She could see the snaggletoothed smile lurking underneath that mustache. Damn him.
Damn you, Booker T. She let him walk her to her door and open it for her and turn on the lights, then paused in the doorway to give him a sideways look. You know youre the only person on Gods green earth that gets to call me baby doll. You know that, dont you?
Maybe thats whats wrong with you, Booker T said as he started off down the pine needle-strewn walk, heading back to his pickup.
Whats that supposed to mean? Hey, Booker T- She stomped her foot and started after him, and he paused with one hand on the trucks door handle to turn back to her.
You never got to be any lovin daddys little girl, he said, then yanked open the door, climbed in and drove away.
He left Alex standing there with tears smarting her eyes, cussing out loud and ashamed at herself because shed just remembered. Booker T and Lindas only daughter, Sherry Ann, had died in a car accident when she was just seventeen.
But she still wasnt booking Matt Callahan and his brother on a trip down the Forks of the Kern. No way, José.
Chapter 3
Alex spent a restless night in the company of dreams that werent quite awful enough to be called nightmares, but close.
First, she was back on the Mojave Desert where shed spent her childhood. She, the grown-up Alex, was climbing the tree that stood beside their mobile home. It was an old tree shaped by decades of desert wind so that it seemed to hover with its limbs spread protectively over the trailer, sheltering it from the relentless desert sun. Down below, her mother was yelling at her to come down from there before she fell and broke her neck. Alex smiled and kept climbing. And then she fell.
Except, instead of the tree, it was a rocky cliff she was falling from, and as she was falling she looked up and saw a face peering down at her from a ledge up above. Matts face. He was yelling at her, something she couldnt hear because of the wind rushing past her ears, and he was holding out his hand for her to grab hold of. But she wouldnt. She scowled at him and kept falling, and just before she hit the ground, she woke up.
She was drenched in sweat, so she threw aside all her covers and pulled off the oversized T-shirt shed worn to bed, flipped the pillow to a dry side and went back to sleep.
And she was right back on that cliff, still falling. Only now she was naked, and Matt was still peering down at her, holding out his hand for her to grab on to, and instead of yelling at her, he was smiling. Smiling that beautiful Matt Callahan smile that could melt her heart like vanilla ice cream in the Mojave sun. She watched the smile get smaller and farther away as she fell, and fell, and fell, and again, just before she hit the ground, she woke up.
The ringing telephone woke Matt in the darkness. He groped for the handset, squinted at the time in the lighted window. Jeez, was that4:00 a.m.? He thumbed it on, swearing under his breath. Who the hell is this?
Are you insane?
Alex? He jerked himself half upright, got himself propped on one elbow and his throat cleared, stalling for time, waiting for his heart rate to get back to normal. When it didnt appear it was going to anytime soon, he tried instead for the lazy Clint Eastwood drawl he sometimes adopted with the kids when he wanted to appear cool. Nice of you to call. Havent heard from you in a while. Whats it been, five years?
Youre the one who broke up with me, remember? He heard some heavy nasal breathing, and then, The Forks, Callahan? Have you lost your mind?
His scalp prickled in a familiar way, and instead of confessing to her that the whole river trip had been his brothers idea and hed only insisted on the Forks of the Kern run and its Class V rapids to scare Cory off the notion, he dropped the temperature of his tone a couple more degrees and said, No, dont think I have.
Okay, then, you cant be serious.
Whys that?
Oh, for- There was a long pause, filled with some more of that breathing. Youre going to make me say it? Okay, Ill say it. You cant do a Class V run. Not the Forks.
Another shower of prickles enveloped him, and it was like getting hit by a gust of wind-driven sleet. Five years hed dreamed of hearing her voice again, talking to her, and he should have known it would be like this, picking up right where theyd left off. Shouting at each other. Just proved hed been right to end it when he did.
He closed his eyes and fought to hang on to his temper. Ive made that run a dozen times. Youve been with me on most of em. Whats the problem?
Jeez, Matt. That was more than five years ago. Before-
Before I got hurt? Before I was paralyzed? Last time I checked, you didnt need legs to row a boat. Somebody change that when I wasnt looking? He felt a childish urge to brag, to tell her how he played basketball and tennis and won medals in wheelchair races all over the country and had a good chance of making the U.S. Paralympic Team, if he put his mind to it. But he managed to keep his mouth shut, and after listening to the silence on the other end of the line, said in his coolest drawl, Alex? Whats the matter? Scared I wont be able to do it, or scared I will?
Okay, but Im sending two Class V guides. Shed cleared her throat, but her voice sounded raspy anyway.
Hed always loved that little froggy voice of hers. Never failed to stoke his fires, not then. And evidently not now, either.
Why? You already got me. You only need one more. You, Alex? Youre a Class V guide, too.
Two. Besides you. And thats not negotiable.
He sat for a minute, smiling to himself, savoring the moment. Making sure to keep the smile out of his voice, making it sound grudging, he said, Whove you got?
There was an exhaled breath. Tahoe, for sure.
Tahoe-hes that big dude with the beard, the one that does trips in the Andes in the off-season, right? Surprised hes still around.
He isnt, always. But hes here right now. Hes the most experienced Class V guide weve got. Him, definitely.
Okay. Who else? Come with us, Alex. Come on-I dare you.
Another whoosh of breath. I dont know. Ill have to think about it. Ill find somebody, okay? I just need to-Jeez, its four in the morning, Callahan, you really expect me to think?
Hey, you called me, Alex. He tightened his fingers on the handset, half expecting her to hang up. When she didnt, he eased himself back onto the pillows and said softly, So. How are you? Doin okay?
I am. Im good. A caught breatha pause. How are you?
Im doing just fine. I guess you heardmy brother-
Yeah, he stopped by here. Thats so amazing. Hows it been? The two of you
Oh, its been- he gave a short laugh -a little unreal, actually. I find out I not only have a brother, but a couple of little sisters, too. Im still trying to get my head around it. But, yeah, its amazing. Lots to tell you, Alex. Id like to tell you all about it, the way we used to tell each other everything. We used to be friends-best friends, remember? When we werent being loversor mad at each other and yelling-or not speaking.
God, I miss you, Alex.
Had he said that out loud? He didnt think he had. But he could have. The nearness of that disaster made his scalp crawl.
SoI guess Ill see you in a couple of days, then. Was it his imagination, or did her voice still sound strange? Sort of muffled.
The handset had grown slippery in his grasp. He put his free hand over his eyes and pressed on his closed lids, and was surprised to discover there was moisture there, too. Okay-yeah. Guess you will.
Wellbye, then.
Yeah. Take care now.
You, too.
The phone went dead in his hand, and for a while he sat with his eyes closed and held it. His chest had a hard lump of emotion in it he didnt know what to do with, a little like that moment right after hed met Cory for the first time, in the hallway outside the locker room. Like hed done then, he tried laughing and swearing and whooshing out a breath, but none of those things helped. Not this time.
It hurt too much. And he was too damn big and strong to cry.
Dieters gone? Hes the only other Class V guide weve got, besides Tahoe. What do you mean, hes gone? Since when? Ah, jeez, Booker T-
Hey, dont kill the messenger. Booker T held up his hands and tried-unsuccessfully-to look innocent. You know how these guides are-come and go as they please, especially those Class V guys. Bunch of adrenaline junkies. I guess the seasons about getting started up there in Idaho, on the Salmon, and Dieter told me he wanted to get there for the spring runoff-said thats the best water. Who am I to tell him he cant?
You told him he could go? You told him? You knew I needed two fives for this Forks run. I dont have anybody else available.
Sure you do. Tahoe and you. That makes your two.
You told him he could go? You told him? You knew I needed two fives for this Forks run. I dont have anybody else available.
Sure you do. Tahoe and you. That makes your two.
Yeah, but Im not going. How can I? Somebodys got to stay here and run this place.
Booker T was in the process of shouldering a pair of oars. He paused to snort. You know good and well if you dont go youre not gonna be worth a nickel around here anyway. All youre gonna do is sit here and worry the whole time theyre gone.